Mid-June
I felt like skipping into the office. That would make everyone laugh. But Daisy had been skipping everywhere all weekend and my heart was dancing.
I felt like a kid. I couldn’t wait to talk to Ivy. I could have rung her last night, but I didn’t want to tell her my news on the phone, so it was probably going to be shared over lunch in Nero’s because I wasn’t going to tell her in the office either. I didn’t want everyone peering through the glass while I spilled my soppy guts.
It was one hell of an awesome day, though. I had the decree absolute tucked safe in my jacket pocket. I was officially a single man… and Daisy loved me. I was a dad with a kid who loved me.
Ivy was in. That was a miracle; she’d been out for a drink with her ex again last night, so I’d expected her to sleep in and arrive bang on nine.
I’d decided weeks ago I didn’t dislike her ex. He’d been cool with her over the break-in, helping her out and keeping her from panicking too badly, and he’d been good ever since. She always seemed calmer after she talked to him. His sensible head seemed to level out her anxiety. I wasn’t jealous. I didn’t need to be, because on some of the nights she went for a drink with him she came back to mine afterwards and had sex with me; she wasn’t getting that from him. She didn’t think of him like that. She saved her sexy, passionate side for me. And I got all her other sides too: her kindness, humour, concern, adventure.
I ruffled her mauve hair as I walked past her, messing it up. She gave me a mock-annoyed face. About three people looked. I felt like stopping and turning around and saying, When are you all going to get over this? You’ve known for weeks. We’re two people dating. It’s perfectly normal. I just happen to be her boss. My eyes probably gave that little speech anyway. Everyone who’d looked, looked away.
At the meeting I was all revved up and bubbling over with positive energy. We had chances at some really influential accounts and I had some great ideas. There was one concept I was going to run past Ivy – I wanted her to take it on. She’d had her pay rise, a thirty per cent increase, but Em’s warning was ‘She has to earn it, Jack. I want to see her doing the work.’
To which I’d replied, ‘She’s been doing the work. You said so yourself when she took on the Berkeley account, and you’ve been going on at me since I told you I’d started seeing her outside work about how she’s one of our best people, so don’t then moan when I say let’s pay her as if she is. She’s up to this.’
Ivy was grinning at me through most of the meeting. I kept catching her lavender gaze. She knew me well enough to know that something had charged up my adrenaline. She must be guessing it was a good weekend with Daisy, but it was way more than that.
She hung back to talk to me when everyone else filed out. ‘You’re in a good mood…’
‘I am. I’m in an amazing mood. I’ll tell you why over lunch. We’ll go at twelve.’
‘Alright.’ She turned – she had her hair up in a ponytail since I’d messed it up. I tugged the end of it. She glanced over her shoulder and laughed. I bet we’d really annoy everyone in the office if we got flirty.
‘I got another letter this morning.’
‘You didn’t.’ Shit, that spoilt my news.
‘It was just a stupid picture of a flower. It wasn’t threatening.’ None of the last four letters she’d had, had been threatening. I think we’d both decided the guy following her was just a weirdo and nothing else. He’d never actually hurt her physically and now he couldn’t get into her place, he’d resorted to sending letters – and that was all. She didn’t even feel like he was following her any more.
I still wished they’d catch whoever it was, though.
When the clock hit twelve my phone buzzed at me and vibrated. I turned the alarm off and went out to get Ivy. It was a bright, warm day outside, so I didn’t bother with my coat. ‘Hey, beautiful, you’ve pulled. Come on, I want lunch.’ And you.
Phil glanced up. I smiled at him. Fuck you. What are you? Jealous. He actually smiled before he looked away. Maybe people were getting used to it.
She stood up, smiling at my over-the-top happy mood.
I set a hand at her waist when we walked out. Her small handbag hung off her shoulder and she carried her coat like a comfort blanket – or a shield to defend herself against evil stalkers.
We were lucky, we found a quiet seat at the back of Nero’s on a comfy sofa and settled in. I twisted sideways to face her, bent up my leg and rested an elbow on the back so I could sit facing her as she nibbled on a wrap.
She swallowed her first bite. ‘Go on, then, what’s put you in such a happy mood?’
‘Two things, the first being that I have my decree absolute. It’s official. I’m a free man, still reasonably young and now single again.’
She smiled at that. ‘I’m glad for you. Congratulations. Is that the right thing to say for a divorce?’
‘I think we should go out after we’ve been climbing tonight and have dinner to celebrate.’
‘That would be nice.’
‘So subdued. Be happier for me.’ I hoped it would affect her too. ‘But you haven’t heard my second bit of news. I told Daisy I loved her at the weekend and she said it back, and it wasn’t just chatter, I said it properly. I hugged her when I tucked her into bed, after we’d finished reading her story, and said, you know what Daisy, I know I only discovered you recently but I do love you, you’re my daughter and my heart is all involved with you. I love you. And she said, I know Daddy, I love you too. My heart exploded with a boom when she said that.’ Nothing had ever hit me with a rush quite like it.
Ivy smiled that heavenly little smile of hers that had captured my interest from the moment I’d met her, and had enchanted me when all I’d known about her was that she looked good, fancied me and had a sweet nature.
My arm dropped and my hand touched her hair. ‘You told me to just say it to her. You said there was no harm in being first, and that as I was the adult I should be the first to say it. And, okay, it took a few visits for me to pluck up the courage. But, I just said it and she said it back…’ I took a breath… ‘So I’m going to try the same trick again.’ Her long eyelashes descended as she blinked then opened up her eyes. ‘I love you, Ivy.’
She’d taken a bite out of her wrap and now she choked.
I slapped her back, then she swallowed her mouthful. ‘Oh my God… Sorry. I didn’t expect that.’
‘I think Daisy’s reaction was better. It definitely wins.’ Ivy hadn’t said it back.
She took a breath, then a sip through the straw in her Frappuccino thing, then smiled at me. God that smile. ‘I love you too.’
‘A little clinical. Are you sure?’
She laughed, putting down her drink, then she turned to face me and wrapped her arms around my neck. ‘I love you,’ she said into my ear.
‘I love you too,’ I said against her hair. She pulled back and looked at me like she didn’t really believe me, though. ‘What?’
‘It’s just… What Sharon said when she saw us together a few weeks ago – I’ve been thinking ever since then that at some point you’re going to get bored of me and end it. I’ve been waiti—’
‘Waiting for me to get bored… That’s stupid.’ I held her hand.
‘Yes. Because she’s right, I’m boring compared to you. You do everything so full-on, and you keep using words like ‘sensible’ to describe me, and when we went away at Christmas I kept hearing myself saying sensible don’t-do-it things. But it was sensible that made me walk away from Rick, and now I feel as though I’ll be the one holding you down, I’m—’
I let go of her hand. Disappointment tightening around my heart. ‘The only thing you’re doing is talking rubbish. Why did you listen to Sharon? Remember, I left her because I didn’t like the way we were living – or her. And why are we even talking about her when I just said I want to celebrate my divorce and that I love you? You’re being weird, Ivy.’
‘I’m not weird. I mean if I scored you out of twenty, Jack, you’d be twenty-five, and you’ve been with a ton of girls. Why are you going to settle for me?’
‘Settle… This isn’t settling. I’m choosing you, and remember, we fancied each other for years from the moment you started working for me – that’s hardly settling. I waited for more than two years to get my hands on you, and I happen to like your form of ‘sensible’. God knows, I’ve had too much of stupid in my time. I like you, as you are, whole package, brains, personality and definitely looks, but more importantly I’m emotionally involved with you. When your flat was broken into I didn’t realise that something happening to someone else could affect me that much… I care about you, I love you, and if you don’t even trust me to love you, I’m not going to lie, it makes me feel like shit—’
‘When you bounced into the office this morning so full of happy. Sorry.’ Her eyes held the apology too. But it didn’t feel good enough.
‘I said I love you and you basically said you don’t believe me…’
‘I didn’t mean to…’
‘Don’t listen to other people. Lots of them could tell you a lot of things about me. None of it applies to you.’ I stood up. ‘Let’s get back to work. There’s nothing like having a smack in the face on one of the days in your life you expected to feel like the best. I’m going to always remember the first time I said I love you, you said – I thought you’d get bored of me. Thank you.’
‘It wasn’t meant as an insult.’ Ivy snatched up what was left of her wrap in its carton and her Frappuccino.
‘Yes, well, it was taken as an insult.’
‘Jack!’ she shouted at me when I walked ahead.
I stopped and turned around.
‘I’m sorry. I read your texts when I was staying at yours after the break-in. You’d replied to Sharon and said ‘at least she isn’t after my money’. I couldn’t help looking – you’d left your phone on the counter and I looked at the text chain—’
‘Not making it better, Ivy. You checked my phone… That is not good. Also still not cool that you’d listen to a single word out of Sharon’s mouth.’ She knew what I felt about Sharon, so why was she hearing Sharon’s words over mine. She’d even seen what a bitch Sharon could be. I turned around, hanging on to a torrent of abusive words. Fuck.
After about an hour of being back in work, Ivy sent me an email. ‘Are we still going climbing tonight?’
Shit. I was mad at her but I wanted to spend the night with her still. ‘Yes, and guess what? It’s pretty weird – I’ve been climbing since I was a teenager and, strangely, I’m not bored of it.’ I sent the email back. But I’d shelved the idea of dinner afterwards. I wasn’t in the mood to celebrate any more.
But a minute later I sent her another email: ‘And guess what? I’ve been running this fucking business for years, weirdly, worked my arse off to build it up, and NOT BORED.’
‘Jack. I said I was sorry.’
I got up and walked out into the office, over to her. She looked up, her eyes saying, what are you going to do? I leant down, gripped her neck and pressed a kiss on her lips, then whispered over them. ‘Not bored of the taste of your lips either.’
Phil coughed. Then he said, ‘If we did that in the office you’d have something to say about it.’
‘No I wouldn’t. Hook up with whoever you want in the office, only seeing as none of you are single it might be a little awkward back at home if your other halves found out.’ I looked along the room at Em. ‘Em, you wanted to go over the accounts, let’s do it now.’
‘Okay.’
I got it in the neck when she came into the office – for being childish and mixing up work with my personal life. ‘This is exactly what I was worried about. Things go wrong when relationships fall apart.’
‘I just told her I love her; we aren’t falling apart. I’m just pissed off with her. She didn’t say the right thing back—’
‘So you’re sulking.’ She laughed.
‘Shut up. Not you as well.’
When Ivy was in the kitchen later I followed her in there and when I leant past her to fill a glass with water I touched her bum. ‘Sure as hell not bored of that.’
I walked back out before she could answer.
Even when we were climbing later, I kept jabbing. She was halfway up the wall and I shouted up. ‘Hey, honey, hurry up, I may get bored down here and let go.’
She glanced down. ‘Shut up! It was a legitimate fear.’
‘It was a sick accusation.’
‘Jack, don’t argue with the woman while she’s climbing.’ Paul, one of the instructors who was near us, knocked me back for it. He was right.
When she finished her climb, I got her to hold the rope for me. She hated doing it – she was terrified I’d fall and she wouldn’t be able to hold me, no matter that all my weight was on the pulleys. But I’d kept telling her I could climb anyway, so I wasn’t going to fall. I climbed the same wall she had in about four minutes, then climbed another, much harder, wall and deliberately took a non-direct route to try and calm my mind. But when I dropped her off back at hers, I wasn’t in a mood to stop over.
She leaned across the car and touched my cheek, like she was going to say something but didn’t. I gave her a kiss and she tried to make it passionate, but I wasn’t playing. I pulled away. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’
‘Okay.’
By the time I got home she’d texted me, ‘I do love you. It was because I don’t feel as good as you. That’s all xxx <3’
I looked at it. I didn’t want to not reply, I’d learned from that error, and she’d said something nice, and I loved her… ‘I do love you too. And you’re better than me! See you tomorrow.’
I sat down and played on the PlayStation. I couldn’t sleep. I’d been going to say so much more to her… I’d been looking forward to today for fucking days and she’d ruined it.
This was what was wrong when I couldn’t control stuff – sometimes things worked out and sometimes they didn’t. I hated it when they didn’t. It was like going to a boarding school and losing all control overnight. It was that feeling of sheer panic that had set me up to become such a driven person. As much as I was controlling, life controlled me; life had had its foot down on my accelerator ever since I’d been a kid, pushing me to fight, to get in charge and keep everything ordered in a way that I could manage and come out on top.
I’d thought with Ivy I could be different – that I could let go…