When I opened my eyes, my eyelids were weighted down with stones, and sticky like they’d been stuck together with glue. I blinked a few times because the room was hazy.
My body felt as if it was made of lead and there were weird noises: a rhythmic beeping and the sound of plastic rattling by my ear. And I was in a strange-feeling bed; the sheets were scratchy. Everything was wrong…
I breathed in deeply and then realised I had something on my face. My hand lifted and touched a tube that was going into my nose.
‘Leave it. It’s just to double your oxygen intake while you’re getting better.’
I blinked. My eyes focused on a dark-haired woman in a pale-blue uniform that looked like a set of oversized cotton pyjamas. ‘Where am I?’
‘Hello, Jack, you’re in the intensive-care unit at the Chelsea and Westminster Hospital. You’ve been very poorly. You got your family worried.’
I lifted my arm – it looked swollen and there was a dressing on it, and there were dark brownish, dried bloodstains on that.
‘You were in a motorcycle accident.’
‘When.’ My throat was so dry.
‘Three days ago.’
‘Can I have a drink?’
‘Yes, would you like me to sit you up a little bit?’
‘Please.’
Sitting me up involved raising the back of the bed, then she held a cup with a straw to my lips. I swallowed. The cold water tasted like the best champagne I’d ever drunk.
‘One of the other nurses is calling your parents to tell them you’ve come around—’
‘My parents are here?’
‘In London, yes, but your girlfriend is here in the hospital if you’d like to see her. She came in this morning at six.’
‘What time is it now?’
‘Eight.’
‘May I see her? Will you let her in?’
‘Sure. I’ll fetch her. She’ll be thrilled to see you awake. My colleague told me she was quite upset when she left last night. I think she’d have slept here if she hadn’t been told to go home.’
I gave the woman a weak smile.
When she’d gone I lifted the blanket and looked at my legs. I was naked and one leg was in a dressing from the knee down, the other from the knee up, but both were swollen. That was why they felt so heavy.
This was like living in a horror film. I couldn’t remember why I was here. I’d woken up as Frankenstein’s monster.
‘Jack!’ Ivy came through the door. Her hair was a mess and her eyes were red-rimmed and puffy. They shimmered with tears, sparkling in the white light in the room, but her lips parted in the biggest smile. Then her tears ran over.
‘Ivy.’ I lifted a hand. I felt like I’d been out of action for years not days I was so weak. She held my hand, but then immediately let it go and wrapped her arms around my neck, ignoring all the tubes she knocked, which pulled at my skin.
‘Hey,’ I breathed into her ear. ‘It’s okay.’ It was weird I was the one in the bed covered in dressings and wires and yet I comforted her.
‘I can’t believe you’re talking to me,’ she said into my ear. ‘I prayed so hard last night.’ When she let me go she smiled down at me and brushed her fingers through my hair, which must look like hell.
I hated the thought of lying here with no control over what had been happening to me. ‘Ivy, what happened, because I don’t remember anything? All I remember is us going to lunch on Friday. We were going away weren’t we? What day is it?’
‘It’s Monday?’
‘What about our week off? I wanted to go away with you.’
‘It can wait, we’ll do it.’ Her fingers touched my cheek and then she held my hand, as if she didn’t want to break contact with me. But then her lavender eyes became greyer. ‘You were knocked off the bike – outside work.’
I couldn’t remember. My stomach gripped hard in my middle like it clasped into a fist. It made me want to vomit.
‘It was a hit-and-run. They haven’t found whoever it was. Your mum said the police are looking through the local CCTV, but it wasn’t caught on any cameras. They have witness statements describing the car, though.’
‘What did I do to my legs?’
‘You broke your femur at the top in one leg and in the other one you broke the two lower bones, but they operated on you and put a load of metal in you before you got sick. Your mum said you should be able to walk as soon as you’re well. You’ll be like Ironman.’ That was said to make me feel better. It didn’t. I had friends who’d broken bones; they took ages to heal and they made it hard to climb.
I leaned my head back against the pillows and shut my eyes. Both legs and my arm…
‘You’ll be okay. You’ll climb again and do everything again. I know you will.’
I looked at her and smiled weakly. ‘Can I have some water? I can’t hold it.’
She held the cup and the straw to my lips so I could drink.
‘The room’s spinning.’
‘That’s probably all the drugs they’ve been pouring into you.’
I nodded. I was losing the energy to talk.
‘You’ll be okay. I thought I was going to lose you. The doctor warned your parents—’
‘You met my parents?’
‘Yes.’
‘Do they like you?’
‘I think so. They’re nice.’
The heaviness inside me started dragging down my eyelids. ‘I’m sorry, Ivy, I’m tired. I think I need to sleep.’
‘That’s okay. I’ll be here.’
I shut my eyes.
When I opened them again, it wasn’t Ivy in the room, it was Mum and Dad. ‘Hi,’ I croaked.
‘Hello.’ Mum looked up. Dad was standing on the other side of the bed, talking to a male nurse. He turned.
Mum held my hand. ‘Ivy said she’d spoken to you, but since then you’ve slept all day.’
I smiled. ‘Sorry, Mum.’ I looked across the room. ‘Dad.’
‘What have you got to be sorry for?’
‘I’d straightened out and stopped being a thorn in your side and now this…’
‘It is hardly your fault, Jack,’ Dad said.
No. ‘Where’s Ivy?’
Mum smiled. ‘You’re with us for two minutes and your first question is where is your girlfriend.’
I smiled at her weakly. ‘Can I have some water?’ She stood and held it for me as Dad hovered.
‘We have your things,’ Dad said. ‘The police gave them to us. They had to itemise everything, including the thing in the pocket of your motorbike suit…’ he said that, like it meant something.
His eyebrows lifted. Mum took the straw from my mouth. ‘What, Dad?’
‘The ring…’
I’d forgotten. ‘I was going to propose.’
‘Inside a serviette…’ He went on staring at me. ‘Written by Ivy Cooper… Resigning as your employee and accepting the role of something else.’
Oh shit. My skin burned and I shut my eyes. My eyes were about the only part of my body I could move without help. Now he was going to hate Ivy as much he’d hated Sharon. I opened my eyes. ‘You don’t like her? You don’t approve? But she isn’t, she’s—’
‘I don’t dislike her. I’ve not spoken to her as much as your mother, but she is pleasant enough. Certainly she’s attached to you. But what’s your motive for proposing to this purple-haired girl. I hope it’s not out of stubbornness, to spite me, like you did before.’
‘It’s not, Dad, I’m over that.’
I looked at Mum. ‘Do you like her?’
‘Yes, I do. I approve of her entirely. We will look after the ring until you want it.’
I wanted it now. I wanted to be on holiday with Ivy, getting down on one knee in the house, not laid up here, broken and useless.
‘Excuse me Lord and Lady Rendell.’ The nurse walked back into the room. ‘Jack. Your daughter is here. Her mother would like to bring her in.’
‘So we must move on. We have had our turn, Catherine.’
‘Dad…’
‘It’s alright, I am joking, Jack, the child comes first.’
Mum kissed my cheek. ‘We’ll be back later.’
‘Thank you. Thank you for coming.’
‘Do you think we would be anywhere else when our son is at death’s door,’ Dad said.
I never knew with them. But no, that was mean. I did know they loved me, in their inexpressive way. It was just that the world Dad had been brought up in was different.
Dad’s eyebrows lifted as though he’d heard what I thought. Then he walked over and held my hand firmly. ‘Jack.’ I think it was the most emotional gesture he’d ever shared with me. But it was him saying, I love you. I was scared I’d lose you. Dad was not sentimental or outspoken, or tactile.
When Mum and Dad walked out of the room, the nurse said to me. ‘I can get rid of these tubes from your neck before your daughter comes in, if you want me too?’
‘Yes please.’ I didn’t want to scare Daisy and scar her for the rest of her life, and I couldn’t see what was going into my neck, but it sounded like a bank of tubes. They must have been pouring a cocktail of drugs into me.
He pressed a cotton wool pad on my neck, then pulled out what felt like a really long needle. ‘Bloody hell,’ I said when I saw it. ‘Was that in me?’
He smiled. ‘I’ll go and tell her to come in, shall I? And if you don’t tell anyone you have more than two people in here, I’ll let your girlfriend back in too.’
I laughed, but it came out more like a groan.
‘Hold this on a minute more.’ He lifted my hand and pushed my fingers down on top of the dressing pad. ‘Press it.’ Then he went out. I lay there, just me and the machines… It was so strange. My mind was outside the hospital, on the bike, riding somewhere – fast.
Daisy came in looking nervous. The first thing her eyes went to was the drip going into my forearm. Then she looked up at my face. I lifted a hand and leant forward a little, wishing I could just get up. ‘Hello, sweetheart.’
‘Daddy… You’re all bruised.’
Victoria had her hand on Daisy’s shoulder and she carried a bag with flowers poking out of the top.
Ivy walked in behind them. I smiled at her. My heart said, hi, through my eyes. Her presence caught like a hook in my chest.
‘Can I sit on the bed with you, Daddy?’
I looked down at Daisy. She looked terrified of what was happening to me.
‘No, but you can sit here.’ The male nurse pulled over a high stool for her to climb up onto.
I looked at Victoria and smiled. ‘Hi.’
She actually came over and kissed my cheek, then leant to my ear. ‘Your mum said you might die last night. I prepared Daisy to come and say goodbye. We were thrilled to hear you felt better this morning.’ She straightened up, but her eyes were glistening.
Had I been that ill? ‘Honey. What have you been up to?’ I gripped Daisy’s hand as it lay on the bed.
‘I made you a card, to help you get better. But Mum said she didn’t think you were going to get better—’
‘But I am better, Daisy, and I will be all better soon. So your card-making worked before you even gave it to me.’
‘You look sick.’
‘I’ve been sick. But I’m going to be okay now.’
‘We brought some grapes.’
‘Thank you.’
‘And flowers. Mummy said you wouldn’t want them. But I said you like flowers. We did my room in flowers, didn’t we? You do like flowers?’
‘I love flowers.’
‘Shall I go and find a vase?’ Ivy offered.
I looked at her. ‘Thanks.’
Ivy took the bag from Victoria, then went out of the room.
Victoria looked at me. ‘She’s nice. I like her.’
‘You’ve been getting to know her?’
‘Uh-huh. We’ve been outside for an hour while your parents were in here.’
Daisy’s hand closed around mine. ‘I like her too. I like her hair. You said it was nice. It matches her eyes.’
‘It does, doesn’t it? I told you so.’
Daisy grinned at me.
This was not the way I’d wanted Ivy to meet my parents and my daughter, but the deed was done, and it looked as if, despite the setting, it had gone well.
‘Daisy said when she saw Ivy: ‘Oh you’re the lady with the purple hair.’ I guess that’s how you’ve been describing her.’
‘Yes.’ I winked at Daisy as Ivy walked back into the room. ‘You weren’t meant to tell her we call her the lady with the purple hair.’
Daisy laughed.
‘I don’t mind being called that, but your joke will be ruined if I dye my hair a different colour.’
Daisy looked back at her. ‘Make it pink.’
A sound that was a very low-energy attempt at laughter escaped my throat. ‘Do not make it pink.’
Ivy held up the full bag of stuff. ‘I’m sorry, I got told off. We aren’t meant to bring food or flowers in.
‘Sorry, I should’ve told you that,’ the nurse said. ‘I always forget to make people obey the rules.’
‘Never mind, you can take them home, Daisy, put them up in your room and think of me.’ I smiled at her.
She nodded.
They’d turned the lights out in the room and down in the main room outside, to make it look like it was night when Ivy and I finally got more time alone. Mum went to fetch her as Dad said goodnight.
‘Goodnight, Dad.’ He clasped my hand for a moment.
‘Sleep well son.’ He smiled at me before he turned away and left, leaving me waiting for Ivy.
Daisy and Victoria had stayed for an hour and Ivy had left the room with them, so Mum and Dad could come in. I’d fallen asleep while they were in here so they’d hung around until I’d woken, late, and I hadn’t wanted to tell them to go away.
Mum came back in with Ivy. ‘Goodnight, Jack. We’ll come back in the morning.’
I nodded and squeezed her fingers as they held mine. ‘Goodnight.’
Ivy hovered at the end of the bed while Mum leant and kissed my cheek.
I wanted Ivy closer.
She came close after Mum had walked out and she reached for my hand as the nurse who’d taken over for the night shift slipped out the door too.
‘Come here.’ I lifted my other arm, drip tube and all. She leaned down and hugged me as best she could, ignoring all the monitor pads on me. ‘It’s okay. I’m okay.’ I’d spent half the day telling everyone that. But maybe I’d been busy trying to persuade myself.
‘I know.’ She kissed my lips and I held the back of her neck.
When she broke the kiss, I said. ‘I wish we were away in the middle of nowhere, where we’d planned to be.’
She smiled.
I pulled her back for a second kiss. ‘I love you.’
‘I love you too.’
Dual tears escaped from her eyes; they glimmered like jewels in the low light. ‘I didn’t know what happened, Jack. I spent all Friday night waiting for you.’
‘Sorry.’
‘It’s not your fault.’
I threaded my fingers through hers. ‘I wish you were in this bed under the covers with me. I’d feel a lot better.’
‘I wish I could take you home.’
‘Sneak up on the bed and lie next to me.’
She smiled, then looked back at the door as she slipped off her shoes. Then she climbed up on to the side of the bed that didn’t have the drip, or any cables coming off me, and lay an arm over my middle. I set my arm about her shoulders and everything felt right.
I fell asleep, but I was woken by the nurse coming back in and telling Ivy to move off the bed because it was unhygienic.
She tumbled off, looking ruffled and exhausted. I think she’d been asleep too.
I caught hold of her hand. ‘Go home and sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow. But would you bring me in some underwear and a t-shirt?’
‘Yes.’
She kissed me goodbye as I held her hand and she touched my check. Her touch slipped away, then her hand slid from mine.
‘Bye.’ I lifted my hand to her.
She blew me a kiss from her fingers.