The weight of Ivy’s head rested on my chest. I opened my eyes. It was daylight and it was probably late morning. It had taken me ages to get to sleep; I’d been too wound up, and the second joint had only ended up making me think more not less.
Anyway, now I was awake I wasn’t going to be able to get to sleep again. I’d always suffered with insomnia, but since everything had kicked off, I found sleeping even harder.
I looked up at the ceiling, absorbing the sound of Ivy breathing and the feel of her hair stirring on my chest.
Ivy was special, I’d always known that – different. When I’d interviewed her years ago, I’d spent the whole time looking at her eyes as she’d stared at me, trying to work out if they were really blue, because –who had lavender eyes? Elizabeth Taylor was the only other woman I’d heard of with eyes like Ivy’s.
I liked looking at her smile too. It was why I’d gone to the coffee shop with her, because I’d needed a few doses of her smile… and then she’d still been at work, and the need in me had roared. I hadn’t been with anyone in weeks and I’d always wanted her, and I’d been lonely and in a miserable mood and it had been too tempting. But Em was going to kill me – if she found out.
I sighed and, my chest lifting, woke Ivy. Her palm pressed down on to my stomach and she turned to look at me.
Her dark eyelashes seemed to make the lavender an even deeper colour, and she looked pretty, even with her hair messed up and her eyes cloudy with sleep.
‘What time is it?’
‘I don’t know. I haven’t looked. I was trying not to wake you.’
She blushed as her breast stroked over my chest when she moved. My dick came to life. But I didn’t want another round right now. There was something I wanted to do, even if it did annoy Victoria.
I untangled my legs from Ivy’s. ‘I need the toilet.’
The room was cold. The fire must have burned out hours ago.
I glanced over at the naked fir tree as I threw the duvet back. It wasn’t naked any more. One of Ivy’s stockings hung from it. It slid off and fell among the ashes around the hearth.
‘Perfect timing,’ she whispered. ‘That’s Santa’s judgement.’
I looked back at her and smiled weakly as the humour caught in my chest – it was mixed with an odd sense of pain. Everything around me was reminding me of what I didn’t have. I hated it. I was pissed off again today, even though I’d run away.
‘Happy—’ Ivy began.
‘Don’t say it.’ I covered her mouth.
She laughed beneath my hand. But I wasn’t joking.
She bit my hand gently, so I had to lift it off her mouth, then said, ‘I need the loo too.’
‘You go first, then, but hurry.’
She got out from the beneath the duvet, all beautiful long, pale, slender limbs, and ran towards the stairs.
I followed her up there and waited outside the bathroom for her to finish, then I pointed to my bedroom door. ‘Your case is in my room, if you want to cover up a bit. After I’ve been to the loo, I’ll go down and cook breakfast, so feel free to have a shower if you want one.’
She nodded.
I went into the bathroom, stood over the toilet and peed. I smelled of Ivy. She had a nice smell.
I washed my hands and washed her scent off me. I’d shower after we’d eaten.
I walked into the bedroom. Ivy was sorting out something to wear, pulling clothes out of her case. I went over to mine and found a pair of my trunk-style boxers to put on. ‘Are you going to shower?’
‘Yeah.’
‘I’ll see you downstairs, then.’
It was weird having her here this morning. When I’d asked her up here, it had been a knee-jerk reaction. I hadn’t thought beyond what I wanted to do last night – and now I’d have her hanging around all week.
My heart pumped in a quick rhythm as I went back downstairs. The bathroom door shut upstairs. I walked over and grabbed my mobile from the stereo’s docking point. Turmoil rioted and gripped at my gut as I looked at the phone. I wanted to call. Just a quick call.
I slid up Victoria’s number, then touched the call icon.
It rang five times, I was going to hang up, but—’Jack?’
‘Hi, can I speak to her?’ I was breathless, and my heart was jumping in my chest as if it was raving. My first Christmas with a daughter. I’d wanted her here.
Victoria sighed, as though it was an inconvenience. ‘Yes, okay. Hang on.’
I breathed deeply as shivers trembled through my muscles. I still wasn’t used to this.
‘Hi!’ Her breathing was hard, as though she had the phone too close to her mouth.
‘Happy Christmas, honey!’
‘Hey! What are you doing? We had an agreement no ‘C’ word! Your forfeit—’
Oh my God. Ivy was meant to be in the fucking shower. I turned around sharply, lifting a finger to my lips. She was halfway down the stairs, clutching some of her clothes against her chest.
‘Who are you—’ she began.
Fuck it. I tapped the loudspeaker icon. ‘Hello, Daddy!’ The words rang out from my phone. I loved the word ‘daddy’, it kicked me in the chest every time.
Ivy’s jaw dropped. I looked away from her and carried on talking to Daisy.
‘What are you doing, sweetheart?’
‘Playing with my new Barbie. Thank you for my Polly Pocket.’
‘You’re welcome. Did Santa bring you a whole pile of presents?’
‘Yes. I woke up at six and I opened them all.’
‘Awesome, honey.’
‘Mum said I have to go.’
‘Okay, I’ll see you soon. We’ll go skating or something?’
‘I like it when we go ice skating.’
‘I know. Have a good time.’
‘Thank you, Daddy!’ The phone went dead. I wished she’d handed me back to Victoria; I’d not been allowed any time with Daisy on my own yet. I wanted some time alone with her, I wanted to be a proper dad, but unless Victoria gave me some space… I was using my solicitor to fight for my rights, but Victoria wasn’t budging on the pace of things. I wanted to see Daisy alone. I’d wanted to bring her up here for Christmas and be the two of us for a couple of days, but Victoria had denied it. She’d had Daisy for seven years of Christmases. I’d just wanted one. The eighth was meant to have been mine.
Emotions skidded around in my chest.
‘I thought you were playing me already.’ Ivy was still standing on the stairs. ‘I didn’t know you and Sharon had a daughter.’
I didn’t answer but walked into the kitchen to start breakfast.
Ivy followed me in there.
I picked the stuff out of the fridge to make omelettes. Ivy’s hands slid around my waist and gripped over my middle.
She ought to know that Daisy wasn’t Sharon’s. ‘Sharon and I don’t have a daughter.’
‘Then whose—’
‘Daisy’s the daughter of my first girlfriend. We had a high-school reunion in the summer. I came out of it with Daisy.’
‘What?’ She let me go and stepped back.
I turned around and watched her. ‘Yes. My first girlfriend had our child in her bedroom when she was seventeen, and the family never told a soul, including me. She had Daisy in the summer and never went back to school; they kept her a secret. I think they were ashamed. The first I knew about Daisy was six months ago. She’s eight now.’
I turned away, opened the cupboard to get a bowl, then started breaking eggs into it. ‘That was the end for Sharon and I. She wasn’t into me playing daddy and definitely wasn’t up for calming down and playing mummy, or for Daisy to have any access to my money. You should see Daisy, though.’ I glanced back over my shoulder. ‘She looks like me. She’s the best thing I’ve created.’
‘That’s saying something…’ Ivy was referring to adverts and the business. Those things were not the same, but I guess if you didn’t have kids you didn’t get that feeling of – did I really create this little person? I wouldn’t have got it a year ago.
‘I was hoping to bring Daisy up here for…’ My lips twisted. ‘I got the tree organised for her to decorate. But her mother wouldn’t let her come. I’m fighting Victoria in the courts for a share of custody.’
‘Wow.’ The word was a breath of sound behind me.
I turned around. ‘Has that spooked you?’
‘Everyone at work thinks you and Sharon split because you played her so much.’
‘I know. You said yesterday.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘What have you got to be sorry for?’
‘I don’t know.’ She laughed then.
‘Are you going to get in the shower?’
‘There was no towel.’
‘They’re in the cupboard at the top of the stairs.’
She stepped towards me and hugged me again suddenly, her arms slipping back around my middle, as if she was offering me comfort. She was a sweet girl. But she’d given me far more comfort last night.
When I made no move to hug her back she let go and hurried off to shower.
I broke all the eggs into the bowl, then turned a ring on on the hob. Good idea, or bad idea, Ivy was up here with me, and I guess I ought to make the most of her company – and if my lust burned out, or if she was annoying – then I could drive her back to London, drop her off and come back up on my own.
‘Where are we going?’ Ivy challenged as I led her out of the house. I’d put another blindfold on her. I’d wrapped my scarf around her eyes. She’d probably looked out the windows anyway, so this wasn’t going to be all that much of surprise, but I longed for her to feel the awe that I felt up here. Sharon had never got it and if Ivy didn’t, then her company was going to be immediately irritating. I led her around the cottage, pulling her by the hand, and then around the corner of the barn.
I loved this place. It was my favourite place in the world and I’d been to Switzerland, Dubai, Paris, Cairo, Monaco, Rome, South Africa, New York, the Grand Canyon, but none of those places gave me the rush of wow I felt when I was here. This place hugged me and yet, at the same time, it punched me in the gut with its magnificence.
‘I’m going to step in a puddle and fall over or something, Jack.’
She had her stiletto-heeled boots on and it was a little frosty. ‘It’s not far, just a few more steps, then you can see.’
Once I thought I’d led her to the point where she’d get the best view. I undid the scarf. ‘Oh my God, that’s beautiful!’
Right answer. I watched her. Her eyes darted around the view, looking at the hills, which were almost mountains, with their snowy caps, and the fir-tree woods that covered their skirts, and then her eyes settled on what I called the ‘big house’. But it wasn’t all that big – it was five bedrooms. But it was a traditional house for the National Park, with a central porch and sash windows at either side and three large sash windows along the top floor, then little dormer windows in what used to be the servants’ rooms in the attic.
‘Do you want to look inside?’ The fields around the house would have been sheep-grazing land in times gone by. I’d thought about getting some sheep, but I hadn’t gone for it yet.
‘Why?’ She looked back at me. ‘Do you own the house too?’
‘Yeah, but I rent it out to holiday-makers when I’m not up here. The place is too big for me; I’d rattle around in it, so I stay in the cottage.’
‘You’re nuts.’ She looked back at the house and walked over.
I followed, my scarf swinging in one hand as I took the key out of my pocket.
Ivy stomped her feet on the stone step, knocking the dirt off her boots, then gripped her hands around her middle to fight off the cold as I unlocked the door. When I looked over my shoulder at her, she smiled. She’d put a little makeup on, but not much, her lips were a pale pink and her eye shadow a pale gold.
I pushed the door inward and encouraged her to walk ahead. The place was cold and her boots echoed on the bare wooden floorboards, which had probably had two centuries of wax rubbed into them.
Her gaze spun around the hallway, following the wooden staircase as it rose up and turned a corner, then carried on. ‘I love this place,’ she said it to the room not me. Then she turned to a door. ‘Can I look?’
‘Sure. Go ahead.’ It was fun watching her. I bet I’d looked like her when I’d first seen this place.
‘Oh…’ The sound of appreciation echoed into the hall when she discovered the parlour. I’d filled the place with lots of antique furniture, although the sofas were modern but with a style that fitted in with the place. There was a dark oak dresser on the other side of the room, a writing desk, and the pictures were antiques. She turned around and smiled at me, then walked past me and crossed the hall to open the door to the dining room.
‘Did you decorate it yourself?’
‘I didn’t do the work, but the ideas are mine.’
‘I like your ideas. Can I look upstairs?’
‘Yes, but look at the kitchen first.’ I held her hand and pulled her along the narrow part of the hall, beside the stairs. The door at the back opened on to the kitchen – it still had a black, iron range, with a hook for the kettle and a bread oven in the wall.
‘This is like being on the set of a historical drama. I love it.’ She turned and stared at me. ‘I’d never have thought you’d be into something like this.’
‘Then it proves you didn’t really know me.’
‘I think I worked that out. You have an eight-year-old girl.’
My smile faded and a sharp pain dug into my ribs. I was still hurting over the fact that I couldn’t see Daisy. My first… C… with a child to play Santa with and I couldn’t see her. It wasn’t fair. I’d missed years with Daisy. It was cruel.
It was Daisy I’d wanted to show around.
‘Can I go upstairs?’
‘Yeah, you go explore…’
She walked out and headed upstairs. I heard her heels on the wooden treads as I looked out of the kitchen window at the view. The views from this place did things to me, eased my soul. But there were better views upstairs. I followed Ivy.
I found her in the room that had the best view. She was leaning on the windowsill, looking out.
‘So what’s your verdict?’
She turned around, her eyes full of wonder. ‘This place is amazing. But why don’t you stay in it?’
‘Because if I lived in it, I think I’d spoil it.’
She didn’t answer, just looked at me like she still thought I was mad. Maybe it was a bit crazy.
‘Do you want to go and explore the great outdoors? I thought we’d go out for a drive around. If that’s alright?’
‘That’s okay.’ Her arms had folded over her chest, her hands gripping the sides of her jumper.
‘Come on, then.’
Sharon would’ve pouted if I’d suggested driving around to her. Sharon would have considered it boring. Ivy didn’t. But she wasn’t smiling either and she looked a bit uncertain, with her arms over her chest – or nervous, maybe.
She had the same pale skinny jeans on as yesterday, but today she was wearing a loose, mauve jumper, and it looked like the wool had silver woven through it because it sparkled when it caught the sun. It suited her hair, though, and it suited her figure, having something loose on top and her slender legs wrapped up in a second skin of faded denim.
But Ivy had the figure of a model as well as the face – anything she wore would look good.
She shivered as she walked out on to the landing. Maybe she was clutching herself because she was cold? Her arms fell and she gripped the bannister before she started walking down.
I felt like Gollum out of The Lord of the Rings when I locked the place up – my precious. There was a huge weight of pride in my chest.
Sharon had agreed with Ivy on one thing. She’d always said it was stupid letting other people stay here when I thought it was so precious I wouldn’t use it. But it would be a crime for it not to be lived in and enjoyed. I just wasn’t the person for it.
I pressed the button to open the car, following Ivy over there.
‘I prefer to be on the bike than in my car. But it’s not the time of year for the bike.’ I slid into the driver’s seat and threw the scarf I was still carrying into the back.
‘Your bike…’ she said, settling into the passenger seat.
‘Motorbike. I have two in the barn here. I have one in London too. I prefer riding a bike, but I want to take you up over the hill passes and it’s too icy.’ We’d have some fun in the car, though. The roads would be quiet.
I didn’t speed when we were in the single-track narrow lanes – that would have been stupid, but once we were on the wider roads, which I knew like the back of my hand, I started playing rally driver. I revved up between bends, then dropped down through the gears, before racing up through the gears again.
‘Jack!’ Ivy squealed when I let the back of the car slip out around a corner. But then she laughed.
I glanced over at her. She wasn’t scared, or maybe she was scared, but whether she was scared or not she was enjoying it – her eyes were bright with excitement. I pulled on to a straight and put my foot down. I loved speed – or rather I loved the risk of speed – doing something all out that other people were too scared to do.
Ivy’s fingers gripped the edges of the passenger seat and she pressed herself back into it as we neared a bend. I dropped through the gears as I slowed down fast. It was completely the wrong way to drive on a cold, icy day, but I knew the roads that were salted. I wasn’t taking foolish risks, I was taking controlled risks.
She laughed when we came out the other side of the bend just fine.
I took her to Ennerdale Water first. It was my favourite lake – it wasn’t commercialised and the quietest I’d found. From where I parked you couldn’t see the lake and I deliberately hadn’t driven past any on the way out here.
Ivy looked at me.
Sharon would’ve said, ‘why have you dragged me out into the middle of nowhere?’ But Ivy seemed to get this place. Her head had been spinning around looking at every view, even though I’d been distracting her with dangerous driving.
Ivy’s eyes held expectation, she knew, without knowing, that I’d brought her out here to appreciate something.
‘Come on.’
It was like my church; there was a sense of reverence hanging over me when I got out of the car and walked around to Ivy’s side, to open the door for her.
After I pressed the switch to lock the car, I gripped Ivy’s hand, which was clothed in a stripy glove. She had entirely the wrong footwear on for this, but girls liked their heels, especially when they were trying to impress, and I hadn’t told her what this place was like. She’d dressed for a week away with me in London.
Her parka coat hung open, revealing her mauve glittery jumper, and her equally sparkly nature, to the world.
I drew her along the grass path towards the lake, without saying anything. Then as though I’d created the hills and the lake, when she got her first view I held her hand and stood beside her, silent, so she could experience the awesomeness of the place.
It spoke – or it did me anyway. It whispered serenity and beauty, and the complexity of the world and it reminded me to keep my feet on the ground. Not that I needed the feet on the ground reminder much any more, Sharon and Victoria had achieved that this year, dropping me back on my arse with a bump.
‘Wow,’ Ivy said.
‘You can walk right around it. It’s one of my favourite places up here. I like to run around it, but on the far side it’s more of a scramble – the path becomes a steep pile of slate shingle.’ I glanced at her feet, then back up at her lavender eyes. They were an awesome view too and her jumper accentuated the colour – she was clever at picking clothes that did that. ‘You’ll never do it in those boots. We can walk as far as the shore if you want, though?’
She nodded, but she gripped my hand hard as her heels sunk into the turf pathway. We were probably lucky it was frosty, otherwise it would’ve been even harder for her. ‘Did you bring any flat shoes, your Converse or something?’
She shook her head.
‘Looks like we might hit the sales tomorrow, then.’
When we reached the shore, I picked up a stone and skimmed it. It bounced along the surface of the water.
‘How do you do that?’
‘Like this…’ I showed Ivy the technique of finding the right-shaped stone, bracing it in your forefinger, then using that to power a spin as you threw.
She had a go, but she failed. I stood behind her and held her hand, my arm braced against hers. The stone bounced twice, she bent down and picked up another, her bottom rubbing against my groin in a way that made me recall every beautiful detail of last night. My lust hadn’t died.
I turned away and found a couple of stones to skim.
‘Have you got any brothers or sisters, Jack?’
I threw a stone and counted as it bounced on top of the lake fifteen times. ‘No. I’m the single point of failure in my family.’
Her stone plopped into the water and sank. ‘You’re hardly a failure.’
‘Talk to my parents; they will tell you different. Have you got brothers or sisters?’
‘No. I always wanted a sister. I think if I had a sister now, I might not feel so isolated—’
‘I thought we were having fun.’
‘I don’t mean right now. I mean over the thing with Rick. I think a sister, or a brother, might have been on my side—’
‘Or just another person to be against you.’
‘Maybe.’ Another of her stones plopped into the water.
I looked at her. I hadn’t heard her on the phone this morning. ‘Did you call them today – your parents?’
‘No. I thought it best to leave it. There were two dozen texts on my phone from Rick this morning. It sounded like he was really upset. If they know he’s doing that, if he was drunk and crying… I don’t think Mum would want to hear from me. It would make things more awkward for her while he was staying there.’
‘She’s your mum…’
‘I know, but she’s still angry with me and embarrassed and… They thought Rick and I were a sure thing for grandkids and his parents are their friends, and well… Whatever. It’s over, and I don’t regret ending it, and I’m not going back and she needs time to get used to that fact.’ Her head tipped sideways as something sparked through her thoughts, and the question appeared in her eyes. ‘You said you left Sharon and this morning you said you split up because she didn’t want anything to do with Daisy. Was that why you left?’
I didn’t usually discuss my personal business with anyone, even Em, not all the detail. But out here in the middle of nowhere, knowing it was a special day, and she was so lonely she’d come up here to spend it with me, who she didn’t even really know… I felt guilty… I felt like I should let her in a bit. ‘I ended it because Sharon isn’t the mother type. I told her to clean up her act, but within hours I realised it was pointless asking her to do that, she never would, and I didn’t love her. I wanted to change my life anyway. Daisy just gave me a good excuse.’
She gave me a judging look.
‘Sharon married me for money, Ivy. Don’t feel sorry for her. I bought the most expensive champagne from the bar and then there was Sharon beside me, hands all over me… She basically moved in with me that night. I should’ve known. But Sharon has a way…’ Disgust, guilt, embarrassment twisted inside me. I’d been as bad as her. I hated myself when I looked back. I didn’t go on. Ivy wouldn’t understand the life I’d led with Sharon. ‘She leached off me. She’s never worked.’
‘Sharon is pretty.’ Ivy punctuated.
Yes she was, in a model way, just like Ivy, but not like Ivy. Sharon’s hard, grasping edge showed in her features, like Ivy’s gentleness showed in hers. ‘Yes, she is pretty, and selfish, and pushy, and opinionated, and—’
‘I get that from her phone calls. But you said you thought you loved her in the beginning?’
My hands slipped into the pockets of my leather jacket and we started walking along beside the water as it lapped at the pebbles. Ivy’s hand gripped my arm as she struggled in her heels.
‘Sharon liked to party. And you know me, so do I.’ I glanced at Ivy. Fuck it, it was better she knew who she’d had sex with. ‘Sharon led me by the dick, as Em puts it. Only Em doesn’t know one-hundredth of it. I like things that make my heart beat. I like the rush of surprise and excitement. I like doing different things, risky things. Sharon got that. She’s like that too, in different ways to me, but the same in some ways. I was addicted to all her little tricks. I‘m not going to tell you some of them because they’d blow the mind of a nice girl like you. I don’t want to shock you. But I will tell you, the girls who flounced into the office, they were prostitutes… I didn’t have affairs, they were presents from Sharon. Yes, I played around, but everything we did was mutual and agreed.’
Ivy’s mouth opened and her eyes framed by dark, now mascara-coated, eyelashes, widened.
Sharon would’ve had fake lashes on.
‘You’ve slept with prostitutes, and then you did it with me last night with no condom…’ The accusation was high in her voice.
I was surprised she’d let me. But I was clean. That had been the first time I’d ever done it without a condom and I was one-hundred-per cent certain she was clean, otherwise I’d have used a condom. She was a nice girl.
I turned away and picked up a stone to throw. ‘I’m clean. I know. You’re absolutely safe. And I didn’t do it with every prostitute she sent. She only sent them when I wasn’t paying her enough attention – or money. Mostly I turned them around and sent them away, but there were a couple who were too pretty to pass on. But I used condoms.’
‘I used condoms…’ It was said in an insulting, cutting tone that mimicked the arrogance that might have been in my voice— ‘You’re disgusting.’ Ivy turned around and began walking off the shingle-covered shore. But if she was aiming for an impressive stomping-away exit she didn’t achieve it in her heels.
Disgusting… Yeah. I felt it. I wasn’t arrogant about it on the inside. I knew how my story of sin sounded. But for years Sharon’s little tricks had kept me charged up with adrenaline and suitably tamed – and my bank account open. I’d given her everything she wanted. She’d never really cared what I wanted.
This was what I wanted. This place. Speed for my dose of adrenaline. Climbing. Lake-swimming. I didn’t need orgies and prostitutes, and sex games.
Yes, I still wanted sex, and I’d been sleeping with girls I hooked up with in clubs. I couldn’t switch my sex drive off. But it had been normal sex with normal women. And single women. Not the conveyor belt of orgies with innocent strangers Sharon had had me on.
‘Hey.’ I caught up with Ivy and my arms surrounded her, then I lifted her off her feet.
‘Ah.’ She thumped my shoulder as she squealed, to make me put her down. ‘You should have told me before last night.’
‘What? Like I can’t drink, I’m an alcoholic… but, I can’t have sex, I’ve done it with prostitutes. They were high-end; I didn’t take them off the streets. They were paid a fortune. It wasn’t dirty like you’re thinking. God, most of the stuff Sharon had us getting up to was a lot worse than that…’
‘How does that make it better?’
‘It’s all in the past. It ended when Sharon and I ended. Give me credit for being honest. You’re the only person, other than Sharon, who knows that, and I’m not proud of it, but those years happened. I told her, I wasn’t getting involved in that shit any longer. I needed a home Daisy can visit. I grew up. Sharon will never grow up. So there’s no more marriage, and that was a relief for me. I’d gone to that reunion wanting it to be over anyway. I hadn’t taken Sharon with me because she’d have embarrassed me. She’d have probably tried to get my best friend and his wife back to our room and expected me to fuck them…’ I received a punch on my arm for trying to shock Ivy. ‘To Sharon that’s fun.’ I leant nearer Ivy, because her bad judgement was starting to piss me off. ‘Risky…. Exciting… It made her blood rush through her veins…’
‘You’re twisted.’
‘I was twisted.’ I straightened up. ‘I’m straightened out now and out of rehab.’
She poked her tongue out at me, then had another go at storming off towards the car. It didn’t work. Her heels sunk in the grass and slowed her down.
‘Sharon’s found a replacement for me already. Some guy in banking. She went over to the bars the guys drink in at Canary Wharf and probably waited for someone to buy the best champagne.’
‘Is that meant to make me feel sympathetic? It doesn’t. You give me the shivers.’
‘But good shivers or bad shivers?’ I knew what girls could be like – if they liked naughty stuff. Sharon had used to get turned on by me even telling her about sleeping with other girls. She’d have loved tales of Ivy—
‘Bad shivers!’
I popped the lock as Ivy neared the car.
Her hand rested on the roof and she started trying to wipe the mud off one heel with the other.
I opened the boot and found the penknife I had stashed in my emergency kit.
I squatted down in front of her to scrape the mud off her stiletto heels with the back of the penknife.
Afterwards she climbed in the car while I walked back down to the lake. To wash the knife off and take a breather.
When I came back to the car and got in, I told her, ‘I’m going to take you somewhere else you’ll want to see.’
I heard the air sweep into Ivy’s lungs on a wave of awe when she saw the pass up ahead. ‘Wow.’
‘Hardknott. It’s an ancient track-way through the hills. There’s a ruined Roman fort up there. There’s also no other way through the Lake District at this point, so the only way is up.’
And it was up, straight up – although the road snaked its way up there, you’d never get up it if you drove straight. I revved the engine to spook her and drove. There were no other cars in sight behind us and I could see for miles in the rear-view mirror. I’d bet there were no cars on the other side, either. People generally didn’t come here in winter, it wasn’t salted, but the day wasn’t that cold, and the sun had been bright all day. I was gambling on the ice having melted up there.
Ivy gripped her seat again as I kept roaring the engine when I could. Like the car was struggling to get us up the gradient. It wasn’t.
‘Oh my God, you’re mad.’
I smiled, but I didn’t look at her. We hadn’t talked much since my declaration at the lake. But I was glad I’d been honest. It felt good to have someone else know what a depraved shithead I’d lowered myself to be – at my worst. But the worst was behind me.
‘I feel like the car is going to fall off.’ Her fingers gripped the leather even tighter.
I laughed at that. The road wasn’t vertical, but it was the steepest road in England.
‘You ought to know, I’m scared of heights, Jack.’
‘You’re on the ground.’
‘Yeah, but I feel like I’m hanging off the edge of the world. Oh my God! Jack!’
We were nearly at the top. I revved the engine harder, more genuinely to get us there.
‘Oh.’ She turned and glanced across her shoulder looking back as we reached the brow of the pass and went over. ‘This place is amazing. I didn’t even know England had anywhere that looked like this.’
‘It’s hardly a secret. It’s packed with tourists fighting to get up here in August. There’s a whole snake of cars on this road.’
She looked at me, her eyes bright. ‘That would spoil it.’
‘I know. I don’t come up to the house in August ever, and if I come up in any of the summer months, I tend to stay on my own land.’
‘Your land…’
‘I own ten acres around the farmhouse.’
‘I didn’t realise you had land with it.’
‘It’s worthless, really. It’s protected up here, everything is, so you can’t build. It’s so it stays picture-postcard. A little part of England caught in a time warp. But I bought the place because it was like that. I don’t want to build. I’m even considering getting sheep.’
‘Ha. Ha.’
‘I’m not kidding. I’m seriously thinking about buying a small flock of sheep to keep the grass down.’
‘I don’t see you as a shepherd. Get a ride-on lawnmower.’
I looked at her and gave her a listen-to-me look. ‘I’m serious.’
‘Well, I will look forward to watching you looking after your sheep, because that will be funny.’
I doubted she’d get to see it, but— ‘I won’t be the one looking after them. I’ll pay someone who knows what they’re doing. I’m not an idiot.’
I pulled the car over and parked up.
‘I’m not sure about that, Jack. You slept with prostitutes.’
‘I didn’t sleep with them, they didn’t spend the night. I had sex with three prostitutes, and all of them over a year ago. Does it make you feel better knowing the detail?’
‘No.’
‘Whatever, Ivy.’ I opened the door. ‘I’m going to go up and look out from the ruins. Come if you want.’
It looked like I was going to spend tomorrow driving her back to London.
Whatever.
I walked on up to the old fort. Most of the stone in the walls had been robbed away, or fallen down, so it stood at varying heights, marking out a world that had been here a thousand years ago. It had been like a small village up here, with rows of dwellings and military buildings within the perimeter walls. I climbed up on to one of the walls and just stood there, looking at the view. It was an awesome view. You could see for miles up here – all the way out to the sea, and it was so quiet today; there was no one else here and no cars crawling up either side of the pass. I’d never been here when it was like this.
I breathed in the clean, fresh, cold air. It made me feel better. No, I didn’t need sex or cocaine for my rush of adrenaline any more. I used this place, and if I couldn’t get up here… because I was too busy, or someone was in the house, then I took my motorbike out of the garage in London and rode out of the city late at night.
But I guess it was foolish of me to think Ivy would understand. She was sweet and sensible, and level-headed. Why would she understand me?
‘Sorry.’
I turned around. She was there.
I jumped down off the wall. ‘What have you got to be sorry for? That you slept with a prick who’s had sex with prostitutes?’
‘I’m sorry I was so angry. If what you said is true, that it was over a year ago, it doesn’t affect me. I shouldn’t be kicking up about it.’
Damn right you shouldn’t. ‘What I said was true. So where does that leave us? Do you want me to take you back to London tonight?’
Her eyes looked into my eyes, like she was measuring me up, probably judging the depth of any lies I’d told. I’d told quite a few in my life, but none to her in the last twenty-four hours. ‘No. I want to stay here.’
‘With me…’
‘With you.’
I took a breath. Maybe this wasn’t the moment, but it was a one-off opportunity. ‘Do you want to have sex up here?’
‘Are you kidding?’
‘No.’ I lifted an eyebrow at her. ‘There’s no one around, and there’s never normally no one around; it’ll feel like having sex on top of the world. I bet hardly anyone has done it up here. It’ll be a better invisible badge than the mile-high club.’
‘Where?’
‘On one of the walls.’
‘You’re mad.’
‘I was disgusting half an hour ago.’
‘You’re disgusting and mad.’
I wrapped an arm about her waist and pulled her closer, then whispered in her ear. ‘And horny as hell after last night.’
She reeled back, pulling away. ‘I’m not sitting on one of those walls, it’ll cut me.’
I smiled at her. She was sweet, I didn’t want her pretty little bottom to be sore either, and nor did I want anyone to catch us up here with her jeans stripped off. Which meant. ‘Lean your hands on the wall and I’ll show you.’
She stood there, staring at me for a minute; I’d lay a bet on the fact her heart was racing. I had a feeling Ivy liked things that scared her and made her heart pound as much as I did. Maybe that was why she’d let me off for sleeping with prostitutes. I didn’t think it would have turned her on, but I did think that the risk involved in having sex with me turned her on. She was a little scared of having sex with me.
She turned around and stood in front of me. ‘The view is amazing isn’t it?’
‘Yes.’ I slipped my arms around her middle and just held her for a moment, but I didn’t want to be too slow in case someone else came up here. I undid the button on her jeans.
Her hand covered mine before I got the zip down, as if she was going to stop me, but instead her hand moved along with mine.
I freed my hand from hers and tugged her open jeans down to her upper thighs.
‘Oh.’ The sound from her throat was a mix of shock and excitement. She liked risk. I knew it. Her blood would be rushing right now.
My thumbs pressed against her naked bottom cheeks, under the first curve, pushing them up as I looked down, checking out the colour. Today her thong was dark purple.
If she knew how sexy she was she wouldn’t be here with me, she’d be somewhere else making a fortune out of it, but not on her back. Ivy was not like that – not like Sharon.
‘Rest your hands on the wall,’ I said as I slid her thong down to her thighs too.
‘What if someone comes?’
‘You can see down the hill.’ I undid my belt.
‘But what if someone comes up the other side?’
I freed my button. ‘We’ll hear the car doors shutting if anyone is coming up here.’ I slid down my zip – and this isn’t going to take long.
I gripped her hip. Her pale bottom cheeks were cold already. ‘Lean over more.’
‘Jack…’ My name was said with a plea that was half terror—I don’t think we should be doing this, and half – please get on and do it.
I angled everything and pushed into her.
The air was cold, but she was warm inside, really hot. I withdrew and pushed back in, my fingers gripping at the point where her long legs joined her hips. My middle finger could feel her pulse racing. I watched myself withdrawing into the cold, steaming from the heat of her, then slid back in to get another dose of her warmth. Her body embraced me, giving me far more comfort than the hug she’d given me this morning.
But we weren’t up here for a slow ride. ‘Look out at the world, Ivy, look at it. Now you and I are the king and queen of it.’
She was looking, and I knew she was feeling the awe of sexual bliss and nature’s magic combined. I bet she really did feel like a queen. I felt like a king.
I powered into her, over and over, my belt buckle banging against her leg as my hips hit her backside. She couldn’t move, her jeans and her thong had her tied up. It made this sexier, and her sweet little sounds misted in the air each time I pushed in, with a note that was like she couldn’t help herself from making noise.
My fingers gripped her harder as her scent lifted on the cold air. I pulled her back against me and shoved myself in. Her bottom was beautiful, so pretty.
When she came her body was like a furnace of molten gold, and it pulled at me to come too, drowning me in fluid as her scent became the headiest perfume, infusing the air all around us.
I fell, toppling off the world, absorbed in the flood that washed around my limbs, sweeping in like a wave crashing against cliffs. This was why I’d played along with Sharon’s games, because there was a rush that only came from sex.
I let go of Ivy, slid out of her, with a sigh, then pulled my jeans up.
She pulled up her thong and then her jeans as I did up my fly.
She’d be sticky for the rest of the day, walking around marked by me, and I’d smell of her for the rest of the day. I liked that idea.
She glanced at the entrance to the ruined fort as she did up her button.
‘If anyone had come up here, Ivy, I would have stopped.’
She looked at me, her eyes saying contradictory things. ‘You said we’d have nasty sex; I do feel dirty. Sharing you with prostitutes doesn’t feel nice.’
You still did it with me! ‘Oh fucking hell. Let it go or say you want to go back to London and we’ll drive down there now. I’ll post your stuff via Parcel Force when they’re open again. I was honest with you because you aren’t some random girl, I just… Oh I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. If you don’t want to be up here with me, I’ll drive you back. I guess I broke our contract. There was probably a clause I missed in the small print on it that said tell me if you’ve had sex with prostitutes before I let you fuck me.’
I reached into my pocket and pulled out the napkin she’d written on. ‘Here, in fact, take your contract back. The only thing we agreed on was that we’d come up here and have sex. Agreement fulfilled. Coming out here and looking at all of this, that wasn’t in the deal. We had an agreement for a moment in time, Ivy, past and future didn’t come into it, they shouldn’t matter – this was about now.’
She didn’t take the napkin.
‘Was that you doing a sales pitch on me? Remember I know how easily you influence people. I know you know what to say and how to control clients.’
The napkin scrunched up in my hand. Generally, in her presence, the sales man in me was switched on all the time. I was surprised she even knew I had another side. I’d thought Sharon was the only person who knew about the pissed-off and heartless me. But I knew what Ivy meant, and she was right. I could flip into selling mode in a second and I had probably pushed the point to make her cave in.
‘Maybe. But we’re here because we like each other. Can’t we just ignore everything else and get on with liking each other? Please? You can’t even imagine how much I regret meeting Sharon. I hated who I was. But that isn’t me now, and – I don’t know what to say. If it’s a deal-breaker for you, I guess it is. I don’t want to spend a week up here arguing with you. I can call Sharon or Victoria if I want to argue.’
‘Victoria…’
‘Daisy’s mum.’
I walked over to Ivy, still gripping her screwed-up statement saying she was going to be my lover in my hand as I looked into her eyes. ‘If you stay, then don’t mention any of the stuff I told you again. No sales pitch. Just because I don’t want to think about the past up here. Look at the place…’ I threw a glance at the view. ‘It’s too beautiful to waste time arguing about things I can’t change.’ When I said beautiful, though, I wasn’t looking at the view from the hill. I was looking at Ivy.
She looked from the distance to me. Her eyes said her brain was weighing up whether I deserved a second chance. But she had just let me fuck her again. ‘Okay. I won’t mention it any more.’
I slid the napkin into my pocket.
From this moment on… You’re my lover.
‘Come on.’ I held her hand. She still had her stripy gloves on. We’d had sex with her leaning on the wall, with her bum exposed to nature, and her silly stripy gloves on.
I laughed.
‘What?’
‘Nothing. There’s other places I want to show you today, but the next place is going to be busy by the time we get there. I’m sure there will be loads of people out walking off their lunch.