Chapter 28
Kylie
The last place I felt like being was work, but I had to be there. Life was still moving forward whether I wanted it to or not. My mind was going nuts, but at least I was there with Piper, able to talk about some of it. We were cleaning up from the morning rush, trying to get ready for the lunch crowd that would come over from the college during the break. It was a big rush, but it was fast, most people only having twenty to thirty minutes between classes. At that point, though, it was completely empty in the place, which was nice since Piper had so many questions for me. I had gotten a text from Grant telling me to have a good day, but I hadn’t heard a peep from Ben, which made my heart hurt every time I thought about it.
“So, I went on a date the other day,” she said, smiling. “He’s actually a really nice guy for once.”
“Really? Does he go to the school?”
“No,” she said. “He’s a bit older than me, divorced with a child. He’s a podiatrist in town. We met here when I was working on some edits in the corner, and he sat next to me. He was clammy and nervous, and I found it deadly adorable. He took me out to this nice little restaurant across town, brought me flowers, talked for hours, and then took me home. I kissed him goodnight and that was that. He didn’t try to sleep with me, didn’t talk about any other women, and our conversation centered around adult things. It was super refreshing.”
“Are you going to see him again?”
“Yeah,” she said smiling, wrapping up a tray. “He asked me to go to the movies with him on Saturday. His daughter will be with her mom, and he said we can go see the Christmas lights afterward in the park.”
“That sounds like fun,” I said, smiling.
“So how are you feeling? Mentally and physically?” she asked.
“Physically, I am doing okay,” I said. “My morning sickness has gotten a little bit stronger, and I’ve been craving squash for some reason, but as far as that goes, I have been really lucky.”
“And mentally?”
“I don’t know.” I looked down at the bagels I was wrapping. “I’m okay with the pregnancy. I’m okay with the sickness. The whole dean and provost thing still has me wrapped in a knot, and every time I end up in that hallway, I feel almost traumatized by it, but I think it will pass.”
“You should talk to someone about it,” she said. “The school is offering support, right?”
“Yeah, I mean they are, but I don’t really want to,” I said. “I talk to Grant about it, and that makes me feel better. Other than that, I’m just happy that it’s almost winter break, and I can get some more sleep.”
“You are a sleeping monster.” She laughed. “But it’s to be expected. Do you need anything? I’m here for whatever you need.”
“And I love you so much for that,” I said, smiling. “I just need support, you know? This right here, you taking the time to ask me how I feel. Quiet time where there are no cases to solve or presidents to hide from. I just want to feel normal again and stop constantly waking up with anxiety attacks.”
“I hate those. I used to get them all the time,” she said, frowning. “Have you made your appointment at the doctor?”
“Actually, I went yesterday,” I said. “I wanted to experience the first one on my own, so I didn’t get nervous, so I went by myself. Everything looks good so far.”
“Good,” she said. “Have you decided what you want to do?”
“Yeah,” I said, clapping my hands together. “I think I knew it all along. I want to keep the baby.”
“That’s super exciting,” Piper said enthusiastically. “I can’t wait to be an aunt. Well, not technically an aunt.”
“Close enough.”
“We can go shopping together and talk about boys, or girls, depending.” She laughed.
“I have gotten pregnant with my best friend’s new best friend,” I laughed.
“We should go out soon and peruse all the adorable baby stuff,” she said. “It will get you excited about all of this and get your mind off everything else. I want you to be excited because it is a really big deal, and you are going to be an amazing mommy.”
“Thank you.” I hugged her. “And I am excited. I just have to get my personal life straightened out, and I will be golden. I graduate in May, and the baby isn’t due until July, so the school stuff is all squared away.”
“That’s like perfect timing,” Piper said.
“I know, right? I have enough money saved up to take off after graduation until a month after the baby is born,” I said. “Hopefully by then, I’ll have a position to slide right into.”
“I know you will,” she replied.
“I’ve already been talking to a firm in Boston about a position,” I said. “They were impressed with my internship and my resume. They don’t know about the baby, but they’ve been hunting me down, so I don’t think it will be an issue at all. I’m hoping they’re the ones.”
“Well, you always have this place if not, and you can bring my bestie with you,” she laughed. “So how are the guys handling all of this? Are they excited?”
“Grant has been like a dream come true,” I said. “He’s always there, checks up on me, listens to me when my hormones get the best of me, and talks about the future with me and the baby. Ben, on the other hand, has been the complete opposite. He freaked out. I mean totally shut down and ran. He’s still there, but getting him to talk to me or Grant has become impossible.”
“Is it normal guy fear stuff?”
“I think it’s his career, honestly,” I said with a sigh. “I think he’s afraid to settle down and have a baby because of his career goals.”
“Well, he needs to wake the hell up because you don’t have that choice and neither does he,” she said angrily. “I hate men like that.”
“He’s a good guy, I swear,” I said. “I think that the baby coupled with the sexual assault thing at the school has really thrown him for a loop. On top of that, he wasn’t even sure he was going to have a career before we caught the dean and provost in the act. There was a good chance he and Grant were both going to be fired, and I was going to be expelled.”
“Did all of that get cleared up?”
“For now.” I shrugged. “I’m hoping for good. The thing with Ben is, I want him too. I want both of them to be in my life and this baby’s life. I don’t want our relationship to change from what it was. I care about them both in the same manner, and it doesn’t feel right without Ben, no matter how hard I try.”
“I know you want that,” she said. “And I want you to have everything, but it might not work out that way for you. At least you have Grant. He sounds like a really great guy who’s standing beside you through everything. I couldn’t imagine what it feels like for his entire world to change and for him to lose his best friend at the same time. I know you could be happy with him. Maybe you can’t see it because you’re in love with Ben, too, but I think in time those feelings will fade. You have the opportunity to have a beautiful life with an amazing man and a gorgeous child. Don’t forget that and give up because Ben is an idiot who can’t seem to find his moral compass or his heart right now. You’ve been through so much, and I want you to continue to be happy with or without Ben.”
“I want to be happy too,” I said, shaking my head. “And yeah, Grant is an amazing man who I’m lucky to have in my life. I know I could have a wonderful life with him, but I will always have Ben in the back of my mind. I’m still hoping there’s a chance for all of us. I’m hoping Ben will wake up and see what he’s missing out on. It may not be right now, or even when I graduate, but I know his heart, and when he eventually sees that baby, I don’t think he’ll be able to stay away. At least that’s what I’m really wishing for.”
“And I hope you get your wish.” She rubbed my back. “I just want you to be prepared in case it doesn’t happen that way.”
“I will be. I know life isn’t some crazy fairy tale.” I smiled. “But every once in a while, it would be nice to catch a break.”
As I said that, the doors opened, and the students started coming in on their lunch breaks. I manned the espresso machine, and Piper took the orders. We worked feverishly, filling everything, happy we had a lunch kitchen guy for once. It was almost impossible to make food and drinks and ring people out with only Piper and me. My hands shook slightly as I filled the coffee orders, brewing espresso, adding flavors, different milks, and whatever else needed to be done. I was tired, I could tell, but I only had about two hours left at work. Just enough time to clean up after the rush.
My mind wandered back and forth between Grant and Ben, replaying what Piper had said to me. She was right. I was lucky to have someone like Grant, someone who wanted to be part of my life and the baby’s life. I knew, though, that I was also lucky to have Ben, even though he was acting like an idiot at that specific time. I knew what was in his heart, though, and I knew that it was me. He loved being with us. It had brought a light to his world that I hadn’t seen in him before. I didn’t understand how he could let it go like that.
I wanted all of us to be a family, and I wanted it to get that way before the baby was born. I didn’t want to bring a child into turmoil and heartbreak, and I didn’t want to have to figure it all out while transitioning into motherhood. I knew I was being demanding, and it might have been a lot to ask for, but I was determined to at least try to make it work. Just the thought of coming home every day, making dinner, and the four of us sitting around sharing a life made me extremely happy. There wasn’t anything I wanted more for myself or for my child. Maybe Piper and Grant were right. Maybe I would have to eventually accept being with only Grant, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t hope before that time. I wanted to make sure Grant knew he wasn’t second choice. He was just half of the choice. He felt a different kind of connection with Ben, and I knew he missed that too. The three of us were stellar together, and we could solve any problem that came along.
The truth was, I felt lost without Ben, only halfway where I was supposed to be. I never wanted to be in that position, but it was what it was. I had to make Ben understand, and I had to do it soon.