Chapter 30
Kylie
It was Saturday, and I was happy to be at home, baking some Christmas cookies and trying to get my mind off stressful things. It was lightly snowing outside, just enough to be pretty but not enough to make it uncomfortable to go out. I was glad for that because Piper had already left for work. As I stuck the cookie cutter in the dough, my phone buzzed. It was Ben. I stood there for a second, completely shocked that he was calling.
“Hello?” I said carefully.
“Hey there,” he said with his charming voice. “Did I catch you at a bad time?”
“No, just making some cookies,” I said sweetly.
“Do you think you could put that on pause and come over to my apartment? I want to talk to you about some stuff,” he said.
“Is that safe? Your apartment is crawling with professors,” I said.
“It’s fine. Almost everyone is out shopping or doing other things with the school,” he said.
“All right. Give me about ten minutes,” I replied.
“I’ll be here, apartment 208 on the second floor,” he said.
I was really surprised, but I was also very curious about why he wanted me over there. I balled the dough back up, covered it, and stuck it in the fridge for later. I changed into a sweater and stretch pants and jumped in my car, trying not to speed in the weather. When I got to the complex, I realized he was right, there was barely a car there and no one in the lobby. I got in the elevator and went up to his floor, making sure no one was walking past before ringing the bell. He came to the door and hurried me in, smiling as I walked through the door. I followed him to the living room expecting to see Grant, but he was nowhere to be found.
“Where is Grant? Does he know you called me over to your place?”
“No,” Ben said, shaking his head. “Do you want some tea? I have some made in the fridge.”
“Sure,” I said, feeling uneasy about not having Grant there.
I watched him pour a glass of tea and put the container back in the fridge. It was steaming, and I could tell he had made it just before I got there. I wasn’t sure what this was about, but it looked like he was trying. He handed me the glass and smiled, guiding me into the living room. I sat down on the couch with him across from me in the chair.
“I feel weird without Grant here,” I said.
“I know. It’s nothing secretive.” He smiled. “I wanted to talk to you alone before the three of us talked next. I have some things to say that I want you to draw your own conclusions about. I’m not saying Grant is a bad guy or anything. I just wanted a minute alone with you, that’s all. I’ll tell him what is said here, I promise.”
“All right,” I said, smiling. “What is it that you want to tell me?”
“Well, first I want to start out by apologizing to you for the way I have been acting,” he said. “It was a shock to my system, and I handled it terribly. I should have been there for you, talked to you about how I was feeling, and then gone from there. I shouldn’t have shut you or Grant out. I have a really hard time not grabbing you up when I’m with you, and I wanted this to be a time when I really reflected on my life, your life, Grant’s life, and what it would mean to bring all of those together.”
“Your apology is accepted,” I said. “I want you to be able to be your own person, to make your own choices, but I wanted you to remember that I didn’t do this to myself. We were all involved in the making of this baby, and when you dipped out on me, it left me half broken. No matter how many hugs Grant gives, it doesn’t ever fully fix it for me because you’re the third person in the equation. You always have been.”
“My other issue, though, is how do I know the child is even mine?”
“As far as I am concerned, and I’m pretty sure Grant feels this way, too, no matter whose sperm created the child, it was made with love by all three of us,” I said. “I know it’s a lot to ask, but I want to be with both of you together as a family. I want us all to raise this baby as our own. Both of you would make amazing fathers, capable of teaching our child the most important things in life. I will never feel whole if I don’t have you there with us. Something will always feel off or missing from our lives, and that baby will miss you without even knowing you.”
“It’s amazing to me how much you feel like we’re all one unit,” he said, smiling. “I love that. I’ve never had that.”
“I want to be your submissive,” I said, smiling big. “For a really long time, but I need you guys to be a family for me to make that possible. I can’t have two completely separate lives where one minute I am a single mother over here and part of a love triangle over there. If you won’t be part of it, I’ll have to let you go if that’s even possible and commit myself completely to Grant. I care about Grant deeply, but I don’t know if I can do all of this without you. Grant misses you too. The three of us have a connection that is otherworldly.”
“Kylie, I miss you so much,” he said leaning forward. “All of this has not been because of my feelings for you. It has been because of my fears. I care about you so much. That has never been a question in my mind. I want you to know that.”
“I understand that,” I said sweetly. “But I’m really trying to be understanding of the other part of your life. Being without you doesn’t seem right, but I have to respect your choices, and that is very hard for me.”
“I know,” he said, sitting back. “It’s hard for me too. It’s very confusing.”
He had a look in his eyes as if he were really in pain, like this decision was tearing him apart. I wanted so badly to wrap my arms around him, to bring him to me and make him realize how we were all supposed to be together, but I couldn’t. I had to respect his space, the things he wanted and didn’t want. It was my job to do that and to protect my heart in case he couldn’t find his place with me, Grant, and the baby. I couldn’t sit there, though, and wait, wondering if he was ever going to make a move. I had to be stern and strong in my feelings and thoughts about this because my responsibility was no longer to myself. It was to the baby and Grant.
“I wish I could wait for you for a lifetime,” I said quietly. “And I know that part of me will if you don’t come back to us, but I need your answer soon. I can’t be in limbo, and we have things to decide and actions to take when it comes to bringing a child into this world. I don’t want to rush you, but I don’t have much of a choice.”
“I understand that,” he said. “I applied to be the dean.”
“I know,” I said, looking down. “Grant told me.”
“I’ll have an answer for you after the announcement for dean on Monday,” I said. “I have been trying to work through everything faster, to give you an answer long before that, but I haven’t been able to. So, ready or not, when that announcement is made, I will let you know where we all stand. I know it isn’t fair to rest these things on my career, but it’s important to me. Whether that is selfish or not, it’s just how it is.”
“I’m not going to judge you,” I said, faking a smile this time. “Everyone is free to make their own choices in life. All I can do is accept them and move on with my life in the manner in which I see best. You’re going to get the dean position, though. You’re perfect for the job, and you will really help these students get past this tragedy with Jeffrey and Arthur. The president would be stupid to not take you as the dean, no matter how young you are.”
“Kylie,” he said, leaning forward with hurt in his eyes. “You know what that means if I make dean, right?”
“You get a fancy new office?”
“That, yes,” he smiled kindly. “But if I make dean, I don’t see how there is any way we can be together. It’s one thing for a professor to be sleeping with a student. They can sweep that under the rug but not the dean and not on the heels of what just happened. It would be a drama that the school may never recover from, and it wouldn’t be fair of me to walk in there with that intention. Do you understand that? I hate that it has to be that way.”
I swallowed hard, my heart moving up into my throat. I was hurt, and I had every right to be. He hadn’t been offered that position out of the blue. He had applied for it. He had intentionally put his name in for the job knowing he would not be able to be with us if he got the position. Maybe that was even part of the reason he did apply, to have an excuse. I didn’t know. I was hurting, and that was making me angry all over again. I didn’t want to lash out at him, but I could feel myself getting to that point. I felt like he thought I was stupid, like I wouldn’t see what he had done.
“I understand,” I said standing up. “It’s a big responsibility. You have to make sacrifices, I get it. I’m going to get going before the snow starts to stick. Good luck with your job.”
“Kylie,” he said, calling after me.
I ignored it and kept going, knowing the next words would be out of anger and not understanding. I gave him what he wanted, the permission to be comfortable with his choice and that was that. I got in my car and headed back home, trying to calm myself down. At least he had taken the time to be honest with me, but I now knew why he didn’t have Grant there. Grant would have called him out in front of me.
“Hey,” Piper said, smiling as I walked through the door. “Uh-oh, what’s up?”
“Ben called me to his place,” I said. “He told me he cares about me, he was sorry for being such an ass, and then told me that if he gets the job as dean, we can’t be together. I guess I knew that deep down, but it really upsets me. He applied for that position knowing that would be the outcome if he got it. It’s really hurtful.”
“I would expect so.” Piper shook her head. “That is a really dick move on his part. What did Grant say?”
“He didn’t invite him to the talk.” I chuckled.
“Of course, he didn’t,” she said.
“I’m going to go lie down,” I said, walking down the hall.
I just wanted to be alone.