Chapter Seven
Avery
My legs were shaking, which made sense since my hands were as well. I was a mess. I felt weak, as if the weight of the world were on my shoulders and threatening to make me collapse under the pressure. The image of being on a roller coaster that twisted and turned before spinning upside down popped into my head. That was what the past week felt like.
Everything I had been dreading was happening. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t keep Iris. I mean, I did sort of understand their reasons, but it was stupid. I was doing fine taking care of her. Iris would be so loved in my care. I knew I couldn’t buy her the best of everything, but I could take care of her, love her, and in my mind, that was far more important. I would get a job and have a career and all that. It was going to take some time, but I was not the first young, single woman struggling a bit. That didn’t mean I wasn’t going to be a good mom to my goddaughter.
Iris started to cry in the car seat. I needed to get her settled before I put her in the car, so I sat down on a bench outside the building and unfastened the straps to pull her out of the seat. I needed a few minutes to get control of my own wild emotions as well before I got behind the wheel of my car with my precious cargo in the back seat.
“Hi, sweetie. What’s the matter?” I cooed. “Let’s get you some lunch before we get back in the car.”
I reached into the special pocket of the diaper bag and dug out the bottle Sally had prepared for me. I leaned back and cradled Iris as she greedily drank down the formula. I stared at her blue eyes and was hit by an overwhelming sadness. Her sweet, cherub-like face pulled at my heartstrings.
I couldn’t stop it from happening. Tears streamed down my face as I silently cried on the bench in the middle of the day. I had one hand cradling Iris and the other holding the bottle. I couldn’t wipe the tears away, so I let them fall. I could only imagine what people would think as they walked by the woman bawling her eyes out on the bench while holding a baby. I prayed that Janice woman didn’t magically appear out of nowhere and demand I hand over Iris because I was too unstable.
Turns out it wasn’t Janice I needed to worry about.
“Hi,” Jake said, sitting beside me.
I inwardly groaned and looked down at Iris, hoping he wouldn’t see my tears. My mascara was probably making black streaks under my eyes despite the claim that it was waterproof. I didn’t want him to see me broken, and that was exactly what I felt like. I felt broken.
“What do you want?” I managed to choke out.
“Let me take her,” he said and gently reached for the baby.
I held on tight. “I’ve got her. She’s fine.”
“You’re not.”
I relaxed my arms and gave the baby and the bottle to him before reaching into the diaper bag and pulling out one of the diaper wipes. I quickly dabbed at my face, not wanting to completely wipe off my makeup.
“Thanks,” I said.
“Why are you crying?” he asked.
I shook my head slowly, unable to talk around the lump in my throat. I didn’t want to tell him anything, but before I knew it, I was pouring out my soul.
“I can’t believe she’s gone,” I blurted out. “Tracy’s been my best friend for so long. I don’t know how I’ll live without being able to call her and talk to her. She was so kind. She always knew exactly what to say. And Iris. I’m going to lose her, too. They’ll never decide in my favor. I’m broke. I don’t even have a real job, and I rent a single room from an old lady who is super kind, but she’s really old.”
Jake didn’t say anything. He nodded his head and let me talk. Once I started, I couldn’t seem to stop. Everything had been bottled up inside for days, and once the cork was popped, it kept flowing.
“I know there isn’t a judge in his or her right mind who would give me custody. I just graduated college and can’t seem to find a job. Tracy would be so disappointed in me. I hate that I’m letting her down. I love Iris. I love her like she was my own baby.”
I buried my face in my hands, mortified I had bawled my eyes out in front of my opponent. I had given him all the ammunition he needed to take Iris away from me. I felt like a complete fool. The man had proven he was ruthless. It was too late now. The damage was done.
“Avery.”
I cringed. “What?” I kept my eyes on the ground, unable to look at him.
“Look at me.”
I sighed and lifted my face, knowing I probably looked a mess. “What?”
“I have an idea.”
“What?”
“I have an idea, and I want you to listen before you automatically shoot it down. Okay?”
“Go on.” I could listen all he wanted, but any idea he had was not one that would appeal to me.
“We should get married,” he said.
I looked at him before I leaned close to see if I smelled alcohol on his breath. I didn’t smell anything. I burst into laughter. He was crazier than I was. I immediately stopped laughing and stared at him. He was teasing me. That wasn’t cool.
“You’re funny. Mean, but funny.”
He shook his head. “I’m not joking. I’m dead serious.”
“Why in the world would we get married? You don’t like me, and I certainly don’t like you.”
He grinned. “That’s kind of mean.”
I scrunched my face at him. “It’s the truth.”
“Listen, if we get married, we satisfy little Miss Janice’s problems with both of us. I have the money and financial stability. You have the good reputation and a bond with Iris. We’re the perfect pair to take care of Tracy’s baby. Think of it as a merger. We are doing something that is mutually beneficial for each of us and absolutely the best option for Iris.”
I was smiling as he talked. He was cute. And funny. And completely out of his mind. “Sure, Jake. That sounds like a great idea.”
He handed me the empty bottle and then somewhat awkwardly put Iris over his shoulder. I fought the urge to help him get her adjusted. If he wanted to play daddy, he was going to have to learn how to do this himself.
“Listen, think about it. I don’t have a house here in Phoenix, but I can get one. I’ll rent something. We both move in and show the court that we have a stable home with plenty of money and love to give to Iris. That’s what they want. We can fake it long enough to get them to give us custody of Iris,” he said, his voice full of excitement.
“And then what? We divorce and fight over custody again?” I asked.
“Well, no. We can have some kind of agreement. I’ll make sure the house is big enough that we can each have our own space. We will have the same address and all, but we won’t actually be living together. I’ll be in California quite a bit. You’d have the house to yourself. You wouldn’t have to work. You could be Iris’s full-time caretaker or mom or whatever you want to be,” he said, talking fast as if the thoughts were all trying to rush out of his mouth at once.
I shook my head. “I’m going back to my original statement. You’re crazy. It would never work, and I think Janice is a lot smarter than you’re giving her credit for. I don’t think she liked you or your arrogance. You can’t buy everything, Jake,” I said with exasperation.
I felt like I was talking to a five-year-old. He was a little boy living in an adult world with too much money at his disposal. I doubted he remembered how regular folks lived. We had to work hard for what we wanted. We had to make sacrifices. He wanted the cake, the icing, and ice cream without having to give up anything.
“We could make it work. Didn’t you just have a breakdown because you’re going to lose Iris? I’m giving you an option.”
I reached for the baby and put her on my shoulder. I didn’t know what he was attempting to do, but his burping skills needed some serious help. I expertly patted her back and was rewarded with a healthy burp almost immediately. The look on Jake’s face when she belched was hilarious.
“Wow,” he muttered. “That was a big burp for a little body.”
I grinned. “You should hear the other sounds she makes.”
He looked horrified. “Anyway, will you please think about it? We can draw up some kind of agreement that only we know about. Of course, we can’t let the court know it is a marriage of convenience and we are basically cheating the system.”
I tucked Iris back into her car seat and buckled her in tight. “Jake, I’m not interested in defrauding the government.”
“It isn’t defrauding. We’re not taking anything from them. We are doing something that actually saves them a lot of time and resources. They won’t have to put her in a foster home or go through this whole process,” he reasoned. “No one is losing. It is Iris who will benefit.”
I stood and wiped off my pantsuit before I looked down at him. He was looking at me expectantly, as if he actually thought I would agree with him.
“Jake, seriously, it isn’t going to work. I mean, thank you for trying, and I guess I should be grateful you were trying to think of a way to help me stay in Iris’s life, but we don’t even know each other. I don’t see how the three of us could live together and be happy.”
His eyes turned dark. “We know each other pretty well if I remember correctly. Better than most people know each other.”
I felt my skin flush with heat at his innuendo. He was talking about our one night together. What an asshole.
“That doesn’t count. If you remember correctly, we knew each other, briefly, seven years ago. We’ve never so much as exchanged a hello in all that time. I don’t know you,” I said before picking up Iris and stomping to my car.
Once I had her buckled in, I jumped in the driver’s seat, ready to get away from him and the horrible people who were going to take Iris away.
How dare he bring up that night. As if that would convince me he was a guy I would want to marry, even if it were a fake marriage. I started the car, letting the AC wash over me. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, letting myself dance in that memory for a moment. He had changed me that night in more ways than one.
He had been my first, but it was more than that. I had several short relationships over the years, but no matter what, I could never find a man who gave me pleasure like Jake had that night. I knew it was because he was my first and a girl never forgot the man who took her virginity. I still hated myself for letting him take it. I should have stayed strong and told him to get lost.
“Let’s go home,” I told Iris, who appeared content in the back seat. “Sally will be missing you.”
I backed out of my spot and headed out of the parking lot. I caught a glimpse of Jake climbing into the back of a black car with blacked-out windows. The man probably didn’t even have a driver’s license. Why would he when he could pay people to drive him wherever he wanted to go?
“Spoiled much?” I growled before heading toward Sally’s house.
I was only a little jealous of his success.
Chapter Eight
Jake
It felt strange not going to a meeting or going into my office on a Tuesday morning. I rarely took vacations. It was odd: I had all the money I could want, and I never really did anything with it. I was always working, always trying to make more money. I was a slave to my wealth, and I couldn’t remember when that had happened.
I called Drew, not looking forward to telling him I was going to be away longer than I had anticipated.
“Hey. I was wondering if I would hear from you,” he said when he answered.
“Jason was supposed to pass along that I wouldn’t be in yesterday,” I grumbled.
“He did. Don’t fire him,” Drew teased, knowing my low tolerance for ineptitude.
“Well, it looks like this could all take a bit longer. I’m not sure when I’ll be in. Jason cleared most of my schedule. I’m counting on you to take care of the few meetings we had for the week. Tell everyone I have business out of town,” I told him.
“Jake, why not tell them you have a family emergency? It’s the truth, and people tend to be more sympathetic to stuff like that.”
“No. I don’t need anyone knowing my business,” I said, thinking Drew was too soft.
I hated people prying into my private life. As far as the world was concerned, I had hatched from an egg as the full-grown Jake Colter, and that was the way I liked to keep it. There was already enough gossip about me, and I never confirmed or denied anything. I didn’t give the bullshit stories a second thought. People could think what they wanted. I was still rich and powerful, no matter what the rumors claimed.
“It isn’t like we’re going to tell them what size of shoe you wear or what you ate for dinner last night,” Drew rationalized. “We could tell them you had a family emergency. That would go a long way to quieting any rumors that you’re in rehab or off on some private island with a woman.”
I rolled my eyes. “No. Not yet. If this looks like it’s going to drag on, I’ll figure out what to do then. For now, I’m out of the office. That’s all anyone needs to know. Do what you do best and keep things running smoothly. I know I can count on you to do that, right?”
“Of course. So, how are things going?” he asked in a softer tone.
I sighed. “I don’t know. It’s all kinds of fucked up right now. My sister had a daughter. I’m trying to get custody of her, but the state is putting up a fight.”
He scoffed. “Don’t they know who you are?”
I laughed. “That’s exactly the problem. The caseworker keeps up with the tabloids. She’s convinced I run a brothel and my niece would be exposed to all kinds of depravity.”
“Get George on it. He’ll make sure you win this.”
I nodded even though he couldn’t see me. “I did. I hope to have it all tied up soon. I have to go to my sister’s apartment today and clean it out.”
I heard Drew’s sharp hiss. “Maybe you should hire someone to do that.”
“I need to get the personal items first, and then I will have a cleaning crew pack everything up. I plan on putting it all in storage for Iris to have when she’s older.”
“Why not donate everything?” he suggested.
I considered it but couldn’t bring myself to give her things away. Maybe one day I would. For now it would go into a storage unit. It was more for my sake than Iris’s. It was probably weird and a little macabre. I didn’t care. I wasn’t ready yet.
“For now it goes into storage,” I said, leaving no room for argument.
“Okay. Take care, and if you need me for anything, call. Anything at all, even if it’s just to talk, call me,” he said before ending the call.
I pulled on a pair of cargo shorts and a T-shirt. I liked when I could dress down and be a regular guy. Too often I found myself wearing stuffy suits. It was claustrophobic at times. I slid on my tennis shoes and grabbed my room key and wallet before heading to the elevator.
I had a stop to make before I went to Tracy’s house. It was long overdue.
***
“I’ll be a few,” I told the driver I had hired for my time in Phoenix.
I climbed out and took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of freshly cut grass. I glanced around the rows of tombstones and headed across the perfectly trimmed grass toward the plot where my parents were buried. I had never been to visit them. It was time.
I dropped to my knees in front of the long, rectangular headstone with my parents’ names etched into the stone. Seeing their names followed by their birth and death dates hit me harder than I had anticipated.
“Hi, guys,” I muttered, looking around to make sure no one could hear me talking to a slab of stone.
“I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get here. I’m an asshole. You both knew that. You tried to tell me, but I was too stubborn to listen. I should have gone to your funeral. I owed you that. You were only trying to help me out. I guess you probably know I managed to be successful.”
I wiped off a few blades of grass clinging to the upright stone. My eyes caught on the dead flowers sitting in the cup engraved in the stone base. Tracy had probably put them there. Tracy wouldn’t be visiting them and bringing fresh flowers to their final resting place anymore. That duty fell to me.
“I fucked up.” I breathed out. “Holy shit did I make some bad mistakes. I don’t know what I believe about where you are, but I hope you know how sorry I am. I ran away from home and never looked back. You told me money wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, and I didn’t listen. I let it change me. I’ve done some pretty shitty things. I want to make up for it all. I’m going to try. I’m going to get your granddaughter and raise her.”
I reached out and put a hand on the headstone, feeling as if I were somehow closer to them in some strange way. I stood, brushed off my knees, and walked to where Tracy’s grave was still fresh. The little plastic marker seemed insufficient. I had put a rush order on a beautiful headstone. It would hopefully be installed within the next two weeks. I hated the thought of her not being properly memorialized.
“Hey, sis,” I said, plopping down next to the tiny marker. “I promise, the new headstone is going to be a lot better. I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t make up for the past, but I am going to do everything I can to make it right. I only wish you could be here to see it. Actually, if you were here, I wouldn’t have to fight to raise your daughter. I know you loved your friend, and I know you thought she was the best one to raise Iris, but I’m here. I’m going to spoil her rotten. Wait, strike that. I’m going to make sure she has everything she needs and a lot of what she wants. Does that sound better? More parent-like?”
I laughed, thinking about her scowling at me for threatening to spoil her daughter. I wouldn’t turn her into a brat. I would be firm but loving.
“I’ll do right by her, Tracy. I promise you that. I will do everything in my power to take care of her. She will want for nothing.”
I started laughing, feeling like a fool for laughing at the ground. “Get this: I asked Avery to marry me. She loves your little girl. I don’t want to worry you with the details, but it’s the best shot at Iris getting a happy home with two people who will love her and protect her. I wish there was a way you could convince her to take me up on the offer. I think it would be good for all of us. I wouldn’t mind settling down. Of course, Avery hates me, and I know we wouldn’t have a real marriage, but it would be cool to have a little family.”
The thought brought a smile to my face. “I know, crazy, huh? Me talking about a family. Even crazier is a family that includes Avery. I’m surprised you two remained friends after what I did. I really screwed up back then. I know you knew. You never said a word, but I know you knew what I did. I was ashamed and couldn’t bring it up. I have to tell you, she is part of the reason I avoided coming back here. It’s why I always wanted you to visit me in the valley. I was a real asshole, Tracy. You were right. All those times you called me an asshole or a dick, turns out you were smarter than I was. I’m only sorry it took you dying for me to realize it,” I said softly.
I shook my head and placed my palm on the ground, willing my love to my sister, who was buried six feet below. If only I could have seen her one more time and made things right. I would have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life.
I stood and headed for the waiting car and gave the driver the address of Tracy’s apartment. I had been dreading the moment for too long. It was time.
With the key I had obtained from the landlord, I headed up to the second-floor apartment where she had lived with Iris. I took a deep breath before opening the door. The blinds in the living room were drawn, making the room dark and gloomy.
I slowly wandered through the apartment, noticing it was neat and tidy. It was obvious she didn’t have a lot of money. The furnishings were worn and outdated, but they looked remarkably comfortable. I made my way into Iris’s room and stopped in the doorway. The room was decorated with artwork I knew Tracy had painted. I paused to look at each painting. I would keep them all and put them in Iris’s room when I gained custody of her. I would get her.
I opened the door to Tracey’s room and stayed put. I couldn’t go inside. I couldn’t open any of her drawers. It felt like an invasion of privacy. I would ask Avery to do it. She knew her best. We had a couple weeks before we had to clear out the apartment. I wasn’t going to rush anything.
I walked into the tiny living room, took in the various toys and baby gear scattered about, and suddenly felt as if I had been hit by a two-thousand-pound wrecking ball. The wind whooshed out of my lungs, and I collapsed onto the couch. My chest felt as if the wrecking ball had landed on top of it. I couldn’t breathe.
Then I lost control. The grief I had been carrying around since my parents’ death hit me, made stronger by the loss of my sister. I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried. I had probably been five years old or younger. Tears poured down my face as I heaved out a sigh, dragging in a breath only to end up choking on it.
I leaned forward, propping my elbows on my knees, and buried my face in my hands as the sobs wracked my body. Every ounce of energy was zapped as I struggled to breathe through the sobs. I wasn’t sure how long I stayed like that, but when the tears slowed and I could breathe again, I felt as if the burden had been lifted. I stood and went to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face.
“Fuck,” I groaned, looking at my red, puffy eyes.
I looked terrible. I was embarrassed by my breakdown and very glad no one had been there to see what had happened. I knew it was my own fault. I had been carrying around guilt and grief for too long without acknowledging it. Tracy had warned me it would sneak up on me one day. I had even seen a therapist once; she told me the same thing. I never went back to the therapist. I couldn’t admit weakness. Loving someone made me feel weak. Crying over the loss of anyone made me feel weaker. Men didn’t cry.
I had been dead wrong. I had lost out on precious time with my sister because I had been a stubborn ass. I grabbed a garbage bag from under the sink and shoved a few of Iris’s toys and clothes into the bag. I’d buy her a new bed and new toys. I wasn’t sure I could have Tracy’s things in my house. It would be too weird.
By the time I walked out of the apartment and got into the waiting car, I felt remarkably better and like a different person than I had been when I walked in there. I had a clear mission. I had to get Avery to marry me. I wasn’t going to stop until she said yes. I was willing to pay her a healthy wage if she agreed to do it. I was going to win custody of Iris, one way or another. It was the only way I could ever repent for my sins against my family. I wasn’t sure I could ever be happy if I didn’t do something to make up for my horrible behavior in the past.