Penny
It’s been weeks. Two weeks, six days if we are keeping track, since Shapiro kissed me to sleep.
Okay so maybe he didn’t kiss me to sleep, but I’m pretty sure it was his mouth that had me dreaming.
Why can’t I forget that kiss?
His full lips, sweet and soft, devoured my mouth. Claiming every moan.
Ahh! I want it again.
But since he’s acting like it never happened, I figured I better do the same. Acting like everything is completely normal between us … even though our situation is anything but.
“I don’t have to work today.” Shapiro comes strolling in the front room as if he owns the place.
And I ignore him while I lie on the couch.
“I was thinking maybe we could …”
Cold shoulder be damned, I can’t help it. My ears perk up at the thought of actually leaving the apartment.
“Maybe watch some Grey’s.” He comes over to sit on the love seat across from me.
I could keep pretending he’s not there, but what good would that do me? I’m stuck in a house with no one to talk to except for Shapiro.
Hell, I can’t even message Nina because she went on a little vacation with her now fiancé. Just thinking about them being engaged pisses me off.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely happy they are taking the leap. I’m not happy about the fact I had to stay upstairs due to security reasons.
So, I suck it up, and tonight I’ll spend the evening with Shapiro watching Grey’s.
“Sounds good.”
“Sounds good? What’s that supposed to mean?” He leans forward. Elbows on knees he watches me.
“What do you mean, what’s that supposed to mean?”
“I mean exactly that? You have been trying to get me to watch it for days, but I’ve been too busy with work.”
“Try weeks.” I sit up, flinging off my throw. “I’ve been trying for weeks and you make up excuse after excuse on why you can’t.”
“I’m sorry.” His apology comes out of left field.
“You’re sorry?”
If he’s sorry and knows he’s wrong, then why do it in the first place? Why not talk to me? Why work? Why leave me alone day after day and why pretend that kiss didn’t’ happen. Because it did.
“Yes, I really am.”
“Sorry enough to let me say …” I tap my chin. “Make a special Kool-Aid?”
I have to make light of this situation. Maybe that was his way of moving forward. Maybe I’m just overreacting. The man is trying to watch over me all while providing me free living.
“Nope not Sharkleberry Finn.” He folds his hands together and pleads. “I’ll give you a Incrediberry.”
“Is that the one that changes colors?”
“That’s the one.”
“You have yourself a deal.”
So much for our deal. It wasn’t an hour before he got called away for God knows what. Now, I’m stuck here again, with nothing to do. I’m not sure why my feelings are hurt. I’ve been here time and time again for the last few weeks. We wake up, have breakfast, do our stuff around the house, have lunch and he has to cut out to work. It’s a cycle, that I’m tired of repeating.
This is ridiculous. Why am I just sitting here moping over a guy who obviously doesn’t want to be here? Why am I sitting here day in and day out waiting for something to happen?
Nothing will happen.
I promised him I wouldn’t leave the house. I begged him to not fix the lock and he didn’t, but with that, came trust. Trust that I would keep my word and stay put so he always knows where I am, but what about him? How can I trust a man that is so secretive?
“Gah!” I scream. Pulling at my hair. “You’re driving me crazy!”
Pacing the floor, I try to keep my mind off him and why he chose to leave me on a night we could have had together? Did something better come along? Does he have a girlfriend? Is he dating anyone? These are all questions I should have asked myself or better yet asked him, but I didn’t.
I thought we had the type of relationship where we could talk. We opened up about everything and anything. Sharing stories of our pasts, but I guess that was part of the process. Moving past Mama Ang’s death. Telling stories and healing hearts.
“Why?” I stop in the middle of the room and look around. “Why can’t I leave? Why can’t I just go downstairs where I’m in the company of the employees that work here. His friends? Why can’t I just step outside and get some fresh air? He promised me fresh air.
I’m a big girl. I can make my own decision and if it’s the wrong one, I’ll deal with the consequences. Like I have every other time. I didn’t have anyone to save me then and I don’t need anyone to save me now.
But you did.
Hand on the handle, ready to walk out the door, I let the doubt creep back in. I was saved, by Nina. Not once, but twice and Shapiro was there to pick up the pieces. They made a choice for me and how do I want to repay them? By leaving?
It’s just for a minute.
I can’t do this. I need to know that I can walk out of here without triggering an alarm. I need to breathe.
Hand on knob, I swing the door open and rush out not expecting anyone to be there.
“Shit!” A woman stands in the hallway looking between me and the contents of her purse scattered all over the floor.
I’m not sure what to do so I stand there and do nothing. I don’t offer her a hand or my name. I stand there with a deer in headlights look. Frozen.
“I’m so sorry. I was in a hurry and wasn’t paying attention,” the young woman apologizes.
I continue to stare. Silent.
“Do you live across the hall?” She tries to make conversation.
I don’t know what to do? Do I respond? Do I …
Nothing.
“Well, I just moved in a couple weeks ago.” She motions to the door behind her. “I’m surprised we haven’t run into each other before, but then again, I have weird hours.” She continues to talk, and I stand there and listen.
Sticking out her hand she introduces herself. “I’m Ellie.”
I’m not sure what to do. I look down at her hand like it’s some foreign object. I’ve been stuck on the inside for so long I’m not sure if I should talk to her or just run back in and wait for Shapiro to tell me it’s okay.
“Hey,” I whisper giving her a quick wave before heading back to the apartment. Where I belong. For now.
The door closes with a thud and my adventures will have to wait for another day.
I feel myself slipping into the familiar fog that comes before a panic attack and tears burn my eyes.
Baking. I need to bake. I try to blink away the tears, but they keep coming.
With each step to the kitchen, my footsteps grow heavier, slower.
And the tears fall harder as I begin pulling out the supplies for cupcakes.
I need to bake. But I don’t want to bake. This isn’t the same as baking with Mama Ang. This isn’t dancing in the kitchen, getting lost in confection creating.
Thinking about her, how I wasn’t there … my tears turn to sobs.
What I’ve been doing is getting lost all on my own and it has nothing to do with sprinkles and frosting.
Hot angry tears streak my face as I sweep the supplies from the counter. The jar of sprinkles bounces and rolls under the table and the flour lands with a thud. No explosion of white powder or fountain of candy-coated sugar. I can’t even get mad on my own terms, make a mess to show the disaster I feel like inside.
Falling into the floor, I curl up and let the tears consume me.
I’m turning something I love into something I resent because it’s always on someone else’s terms.
After what could be hours or minutes I hear the door slam.
“What the hell?”
I hear Shapiro’s voice yelling for me.
“Penny?” Heavy footsteps get closer, but I can’t say anything. I’m empty.
“Penny! Are you here?” he roars rushing around the apartment slamming doors.
Feeling his presence, I peek open my eyes, to see him standing over me.
“Christ, Penny! What are you doing down here?” he demands pulling me into his arms and I fall into them, no fight. No struggle.
“And why the hell was the door open?” he continues, and I remain silent.
The door? I didn’t close it?
“Who was here? Are you okay? Where did you go? I’ll kill that bastard!” He keeps rattling off questions as he hoists me up onto the counter.
“I didn’t go anywhere,” I mumble. “I’m fine.”
My throat is raw from crying.
“You were gone. I’m tired of being locked away,” I continue before he can ask.
“You weren’t locked in,” he reminds me.
“Might as well have been.” I lift my eyes to look at him for the first time and I see the shame and shock flutter across his face as he takes in my rattled state. I wait for a lecture. More yelling. But it never comes.
“I’m sorry. Oh, Penny. I’m so sorry.” He holds me so tight I think I might break.
I don’t say anything at all. I don’t know what to say.
“Hey. How about this, you get cleaned up and let’s get out of here. I have something I’ve been wanting to show you.”
“Are you serious?” My stomach flutters with hope.
“Is Kool-Aid magical?” he asks.
“Yes?” I shrug.
“I’ll let that one slide,” he jokes lifting me off the counter.
I walk away before he can see just how excited I really am. I want to be angry. But right now, I’m just relieved.