Penny
“First off, let me just say, I’m so sorry.” Nina quietly shuts the door and walks over to me. Reaching for my hand to give it a little squeeze. “I should have been there more. When you stopped coming by, when you ignored my calls, I should have known. I’ve been where you are.” She begins to weep. “I should have known.”
“Come here.” I pull her in for a hug, not caring that I haven’t showered in days.
“I should be comforting you, not the other way around.” Nina pulls away, wiping her red-rimmed eyes. “And you still reek of grossness.” She wrinkles her nose.
“I do. I was trying to shower, but …” I shrug looking around.
“Oh right!” She sits down on the end of the bed. “Join me, but only the edge and no lying down.” She pats the spot beside her.
“Cut me a little slack. It was the concussion,” I lie.
I’m sure my injuries played a part, but given everything that happened, if I were to be honest with myself, maybe a little depression.
“I’m worried about you.”
Me too.
“What you endured, isn’t just your normal accident.” She twists and brings the other leg up, sitting Indian style.
“No lying down, remember.” I give Nina a knowing smirk. “Resist the temptation.”
“It is pretty comfy.” Nina bounces.
“Right?”
“Penny …” She drags out my name like I’m in trouble.
“What?” I say a little louder than needed. Wincing from the echo in my head.
“Your head?” Nina reaches up to touch the small bruise near my temple.
“Yeah. It’s just a mild pounding, but I’ll survive.”
I did survive.
“Penny, it’s okay to be depressed and feel the way you do, but you need to let it out. Let yourself ride out the wave of emotions and know when you do, you’re not crazy.”
“I’m trying,” I whisper.
“I know you are but losing a baby. It’s life changing no matter how far along you were. You suffered a loss and on top of it, your hormones are going wacky.”
“I just don’t know which end is up anymore. I want to be okay. I’m trying to convince myself that I am, but I’m not.” I begin to sob. This time, tears come.
“Honey, don’t do this alone. I’m here, Niki is here too and Shapiro … he cares for you deeply.”
His name captures my attention.
“Why do you think that?”
“You were in that hospital for seven days and each day he would go to work and then come in and spend the night with you. Just so you wouldn’t be alone.”
“I thought he just came in early that day or something. I didn’t know.” Her admission confusing me.
“He wanted to make sure he could have the time off for when you came home. He switched his schedule around to work days so he could have the evenings off. I don’t think he wanted you to know. Listen, I know you haven’t spent much time with him …”
“We would talk almost every day, but I thought he was just checking in. We never talked about the past or anything personal. Just the rundown of the day,” I admit aloud.
“All I’m saying is you have people around you that care. Don’t shut us out. Shapiro, I think he genuinely cares about you and your well-being. So, let him. Let him keep you safe while you heal here.” She taps my chest. “And in here.” She brushes her hand over the top of my head and I lean in.
“I’m sorry I’m so crazy.”
“Not crazy. You’re human.” Nina rises. “Come here.” She holds out her arms.
All my life I have always felt like I was on the outside looking in. The kid who no one wanted. The teenager who didn’t fit in and the adult who couldn’t be loved. I thought everyone had it all and I had nothing. Turns out, I’m not the only one. I’m as normal as the next person. We all have our demons.
“Thank you for the talk. It’s good to know I’m not going crazy.” I lean in to give her a quick hug.
“Just remember … not alone.”
“I know … but hey, enough about me. You have some exams you have to study for. I feel like I need to wish you good luck or something.”
“I’ll take all the luck I can get. I’m so over them.” She sighs. “Now, please, go shower.” She backs away as she waves her hand in the air “Before you start attracting flies.” She giggles, before turning to leave.
“I’m going!” I holler after her.
I thought I was going to be fine but listening to Nina now made me see that I don’t have to be and it’s going to be okay. Mama Ang was right. It’s a choice and right now, I’m going to choose to move on from the past.
I bend down to pick up my things.
And it’s a choice to take a shower.
I head to the bathroom to wash the past away, the way Shapiro locks it out.
Shapiro
Unbelievable.
How does one go from sleeping and not eating or drinking for a week to skipping out of the bedroom, ready to take on the day?
How?
I know it wasn’t me. I tried, I really did. And at one point, I thought maybe it worked, but when she said just one more nap. I knew it would lead to another and then another.
The way I saw it, I had two choices. Call in for reinforcements or take her to the hospital. And since she was just there, I thought maybe a friend would be a better option.
Friend? Is that what I am?
I’m not a friend. A friend wouldn’t have let her believe that all this happened because of her. A friend wouldn’t have abandoned her when she was begging you to stay.
Nope. I’m not a friend.
How can I be when I’m crawling in my own skin?
It’s consuming me. Probably like it’s consuming her, but that night I walked out of that bedroom I couldn’t see that.
I needed … no, I was fucking desperate to find a way to feel better, and in that moment, I didn’t care if I tossed the blame back her way. I just needed to feel something, anything other than what I was. The hurt was almost like a sickness and blaming the cure.
The blame.
She left Mama Ang to be with that low-life prick. The same one that led her there in the first place. If she wouldn’t have lied, if she wouldn’t have kept everything from her, Mama Ang would have found a way to make her see. To stay.
She could have been there to save her … but so could I.
The regret.
I promised Penny I would keep her safe, and this time I have gone above and beyond to take the extra precautions to keep her that way. But what I should have been doing is protecting her from me.
I’m fucking mad. I’m mad that Mama Ang left me. I’m mad that Penny decided to go back to that bastard and Mama Ang let her. I’m mad that I let my emotions get the best of me and I’m fucking pissed that I wasn’t there.
This one is on me. I should have been there. I should have called. What I shouldn’t have done? Place the blame on Penny, when I’m guilty of so much more.
I did this and I’m the only one who can fix it. But how?
I tried to get her up and moving. I tried to show her that waking up was the first step, but I couldn’t even do that. Hell, I couldn’t even get her to do something as simple as eating and drinking. I failed her. I’m fighting to win yet end up losing. Every. Damn. Time.
I thought maybe something else is going on. Something she didn’t feel comfortable talking to me about. So, I called Nina. If anyone could get her to talk, she could. Especially, since her situation is similar. They have bonded in ways that you shouldn’t ever have to.
When she showed up, I explained the past week. Went into detail about how we are losing her and then … she comes bouncing out of the room with a burst of energy she shouldn’t have had. Who does that? How can she do that?
I’m hoping Nina saw right through it. I’m praying that she’s in there, giving her the advice she needs to get up and get healthy.
Hearing the door open, I busy myself pretending I wasn’t just standing there leaning against the island, eyes trained on the bedroom.
Nina comes out first smiling as she jokes about Penny needing a shower and Penny quickly follows, hollering after her.
“So?” I hold my hand up to my mouth to muffle my question, but Nina doesn’t answer until Penny rounds the corner for the bathroom.
“Shapiro …” She looks up as she gathers her things. “She needs us. She needs you.” Her eyes pleading for me to fix this.
I’m trying.
“What can I do?” I take a seat at the island, unsure if I’m steady enough to hear what Nina has to say.
“Just be aware. Know the signs,” she says as she swings her bag over her arm.
“Signs of what?” I’m confused, unsure of how to fix this if she doesn’t give me some sort of clue.
“Her injuries …”
“What the hell aren’t you telling me? The doctor said they were mild compared to what could have happened,” I ask as I fold my hands in front of me.
“There’s more than the mild concussion … I mean yeah, that is pretty bad and that is why she’s sleeping so much, but the not eating or drinking. That’s more.”
“Dammit! I’m trying, Nina, I was one step away from force feeding the girl.” I throw my hands up in the air.
“Calm down.” Nina rounds the island to stand in front of me. “This shouldn’t be my story to tell, but after seeing her like that. The mood change, the not caring … I have to.”
Nina takes a deep breath and exhales. “She had a miscarriage.”
“A what?”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
Penny pregnant.
“She was only ten weeks along, but she was preparing for a family and in one moment, it was all ripped away from her.”
“Fuck. I didn’t know.”
A part of me wants to be pissed. Pissed that she got back with the fucker and he did this to her when he should have been the one to protect her. It was his only God damn job. Protect the woman he loves.
“I didn’t know either.” Nina hangs her head. “I’m her best friend and …” She shakes her head. “She stopped calling. I should have known.”
“Shit.” I rise and walk around to the other side of the island and lean back against it. Looking over my shoulder and right at Nina. “Don’t do that.”
“What?”
“Replay the last ten months in your head. There is no way, either one of us could have stopped this.”
“I know you’re right, but …”
“No buts, Nina.” I turn around and place my hand on her back to give it a quick rub. “She’s going to be okay because we know now, and we can prepare.”
“Speaking of which.” She turns and my arm drops. “Her mood is going to be all over the place, so don’t take offense to it. Just watch out for signs like this past week. Just don’t let her give up. Make her move.”
“Got it.” I give her a weak smile.
“Well, I better get going. I don’t want to be here when she comes out,” she says as she still stands there looking at me and I straighten my spine. Her eyes piercing.
“Something else?” I break the silence to ease the intensity of the situation.
“I don’t know when or if she will ever be ready, but if you don’t give up on her …” She suddenly stops and begins to walk to the door and turns around. “You’re good for her.” A slow grin creeps up on her face. “And I think she’s going to be something else for you.”
Nina’s out the door. Not giving me a chance to respond.
Maybe she’s right?