CHAPTER THREE
Riley
Ann-Marie didn’t speak the whole way to the train. I knew her gears were turning, and she was waiting for the right moment to say something, but as we descended the steps into the subway station, I didn’t even care. I already regretted leaving Enigma, and I hated the feeling.
I could still feel Xavier’s lips pressed against mine. It was like they’d burned my skin. Marked me.
It was May and warm, but I wrapped my arms around myself as we stood on the platform and waited for the train. It arrived with a screeching that split my ears. Even as the doors opened, I considered changing my mind and not going home.
I could turn around and go right back to Enigma.
If Xavier kissed me, he certainly wanted more. And why shouldn’t I give it to him? No one was stopping us from hooking up.
Except for me.
I didn’t turn around. I got on the train and fell into a seat next to Ann-Marie.
“I’m proud of you.”
I turned my gaze to her. “Huh?”
“He’s a player.”
Though I was thinking the same thing myself, I bristled at her words. “You don’t know that.”
She arched an eyebrow. “Riley. Come on. He owns that club. He got us a table. I saw him kiss you. We weren’t at a church meet-and-greet for singles. Something tells me Xavier isn’t in that club every night looking for his soul mate.”
I sighed. “I know. And I guess I instinctively knew that the second he touched me. I just let myself get swept away for a minute.”
“Of course you did. The guy is gorgeous.”
I didn’t have anything to say to that. I was feeling worse by the second. It had been almost six months since I’d had any action of any kind, and the last time wasn’t even good. It was with a guy who used to work at the bar I waitressed at. What we went out on probably didn’t even qualify as a date, since it was tacos and margaritas with three of our coworkers. The night ended with me going home with him, sleeping over, and realizing in the morning that I’d made a terrible mistake.
It wasn’t an experience very unlike the current night’s. Except this night, instead of cheap tequila, I’d drank vodka that probably costed as much as my rent.
“He was hot though,” Ann-Marie murmured.
I sighed again. “Yep. You said that.”
“Hey.”
I looked her square in the face. “Hey.”
“If you want to go back there, find him, and go home with him… I won’t judge you.”
A laugh burst out of me. “Yeah, right.”
“I’m serious.”
“I don’t believe you. You just said he was a player.”
“And he likely is. Look, I know it doesn’t sound like me but don’t you think it’s time?”
I played dumb and just stared back at her.
“It’s been four weeks since I had sex, and I’m about to go crazy. I can only imagine what it’s like for you.”
“It wouldn’t be worth it.” I delivered the words with a resoluteness, though deep down, I still wasn’t so sure.
“I got ya. You’re right. Okay, then, let’s find you someone else.”
I groaned. “No. Right now, I just want to go home, take a bath, and forget men even exist.”
Except I couldn’t. Once home, Ann-Marie disappeared into her room and turned the radio up loud. She was probably slightly upset that we left the club, even though she promised we would go the second one of us wanted to. I swore to myself I’d make it up to her with a visit to the chocolate restaurant and went into the bathroom to draw a bath.
It was too warm for a piping hot bath, but I took it anyway. Gripping the edge of the tub, I eased myself down into the water. The steam wrapped around me and purged me of my worries. Finally, I could relax. With a sigh, I leaned back and stretched out.
But all I saw was Xavier. His gray eyes and grim mouth. We were at a club having fun, but there was still something so serious about him. It scared me. Thrilled me. Drew me to him.
And ultimately pushed me away.
He was probably on to the next girl five minutes after I’d left Enigma. I figured I should count myself lucky for dodging such a bullet. If I had gone home with him, the night might have been an amazing one, but it probably would have ended there. I was a shy, awkward geek who preferred a night spent baking cupcakes and watching reruns of nineties sitcoms to going out and flirting. Xavier, however? He had a body that looked like it was chiseled out of stone. With a face to match and more money than he could ever need, women probably threw themselves at him on a regular basis.
Which is why he wouldn’t have a need to spend a second night with any of them.
But maybe it would have been worth it. Maybe just that one night would have made me happy.
I couldn’t keep the pestering thoughts at bay. I hit the drain and got out of the tub while the water was still warm. Ann-Marie was still in her bedroom, but the music was off. I crept to my bedroom, got dressed for bed and set my clothes out for my shift the next day. I set the alarm on my phone, and without really thinking about it, found myself opening Instagram.
But it wasn’t my feed I ended up browsing. It was my own posts. I laid on my back in bed and found my uploads from over a year before. It was masochistic, but I couldn’t stop myself.
Eighteen months before, ninety percent of my Instagram posts revolved around one topic: my relationship. It was all Jesse, Jesse, Jesse. Me and Jesse on the ferry. Me and Jesse getting frozen yogurt. Me and Jesse at his family’s cabin in the Poconos. In each photo, he grinned at the camera, gorgeous with his sandy blond hair and deep-set dimples. Looking back, I almost felt sorry for myself. Maybe I was obsessed with our relationship, enamored to an unhealthy degree with the best boyfriend I’d ever had.
Because when he left, things were bad for me. Really bad. I fell into a month-long depression. Maybe if I had been a little more objective about our relationship, admitted that we might not be forever, I would have been able to deal with the fallout.
But that wasn’t me. That had never been me.
And that was how I knew I couldn’t do a one-night stand. Even the drunken hookup with my coworker messed me up, and I wasn’t into the guy. I just had this tendency to get attached. Hard.
I plugged my phone in to charge and turned off all the lights but the salt lamp in the corner. Back in bed, I rolled onto my side and stared at the familiar glow as I fell asleep.
I did the right thing, I reminded myself. I did the right thing.
But no amount of assurances could rid my mind of those piercing gray eyes.