CHAPTER TWENTY
Seth was gone when I woke up. I knew it the second I opened my bedroom door and found my bedroom empty. Still, I searched the rest of the house.
Grabbing my phone, I frantically called him.
“Shit,” I spat when he didn’t answer.
I pressed my fingertips against my throbbing temples and leaned against the kitchen counter to focus on my breathing. When had he left? Had it been during the night while he was still drunk? And why hadn’t I heard him?
I’d left the TV on, that was why. After twenty minutes of lying in bed in the guest room, I’d resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn’t be sleeping and grabbed the remote. Seth must have left sometime while I was zoned out watching a bad stand-up comedy.
And now he was gone. Maybe in an emergency room somewhere or unconscious under a bridge.
My phone beeped as I received a text. I grabbed it so quickly that my hands fumbled and I nearly dropped it.
I need some time to think. Call you later.
A relieved sigh shook my body. Seth was all right.
But he clearly didn’t want to talk to me.
I went about my morning routine, feeding Starlet and showering, but the empty pit inside of me grew with each minute. Caring about a person, loving a person, came with a price. If it had been any other Sunday before Seth came into my life, I would be going about my day carefree. I’d be working out and then meeting up with one of the girls for brunch or a walk in the park. Instead, I was at home, exhausted from sleep deprivation and making myself sick with worry over a boyfriend.
Right now, it was hard to believe a relationship was worth it.
But I couldn’t allow myself to think that way. Seth needed me. Even if he wouldn’t share everything with me. Like Heather said, people had their secrets. I couldn’t pry and expect him to share.
But damn it if I wasn’t dying to know it all.
I resisted the urge to text him and ask when he was coming back. One thing at a time. Change and go to the gym. Working out would take up at least an hour. After that, I would have lunch. And then, only then, could I give myself permission to get in touch with him.
I changed into workout clothes and pulled my hair into a high ponytail. “Be back soon,” I told Starlet as I grabbed my keys from the front hook. I pulled the door open and stepped outside.
And right into Seth.
“God!” I gasped, skidding to a stop right before we collided.
“Sorry. I was just about to knock.”
I gathered a breath. “It’s okay. How are you?” I rubbed my hand over his arm, taking a chance, giving him the physical affection I wasn’t even sure he wanted.
He reached up, took my hand and squeezed it. The gesture filled me with relief. Things were going to be all right.
“I’m feeling better. Where are you going?”
“To the gym. But I don’t have to go.”
“No, it’s all right.”
“Really. No, really I don’t have to go.” I dropped my keys into my pocket to show him I meant what I said. “I’d rather spend some time with you. Last night was quite the night.”
“Yeah, it was.” Seth sighed and sat down on the top step. I joined him, our thighs pressing together. Slowly, he took my hand in both of his. My heart sped up, hammering away just like it had the first time we’d kissed. I hoped that feeling would never go away. I hoped that every time we touched, every time he looked at me, I would come alive in a new and exciting fashion.
“I have to tell you something,” Seth said in a thick voice.
My jaw clenched, the magical feeling disappearing. I tried to stay calm, tried to focus on his eyes.
Seth swallowed hard and went on. “I’ve been called to active duty. I’m going to Afghanistan.”
A thick buzzing filled my ears. Out of all the things I’d expected to hear, this wasn’t it. “Afghanistan?” I dumbly repeated.
He nodded and looked at me, his eyes glazed over. He didn’t seem sad, or regretful.
He didn’t seem to be feeling anything at all.
What was going on inside of him? What was behind those cool blue irises? There was a wall up. I’d seen it from the beginning, but first assumed I was imagining it, and then assured myself it would come down. And now here he was, going through all the right gestures of a loving boyfriend, but something was off.
Was I getting the real Seth, or one carefully concocted for my benefit?
“Yes. Afghanistan.” His fingers tightened on mine, but my palms were cold and sweating at the same time.
“Just like that?” I demanded. “How can they do that?”
“It’s not just like that. It’s the way it happens. It’s my job, remember?”
“No,” I said mournfully. I’d forgotten. Because I’d made myself forget. I’d never wanted to think about Seth’s role in the outside world because the part he played was a terrifying one. Any moment he could be ripped away from me. I’d realized that and so refused to think about his position in the army, instead focusing on our smaller dramas.
But now that thing I hadn’t faced was actually happening. My fears were coming to fruition.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
I stared at him. “When did you find out?”
“Yesterday, after I left your house.”
The buzzing grew louder. I had to focus harder to form coherent thoughts around it. “Is that why you came here last night drunk?”
He ducked his head and nodded.
“So it wasn’t about your dad?”
“No,” he said thickly, looking at the steps. His head swooped back up, and his eyes locked on mine.
“Did you tell your dad?”
He nodded and looked away. I didn’t know whether to believe him or not.
“Oh my God,” I gasped, the reality sinking in, real fear taking over. “When do you leave? How long are you going to be gone? Why are they sending you there? What’s going to happen to… to...”
To us.
What would happen to me and him? We’d only just begun. Even marriages were hard to sustain when one spouse went overseas. How could I hope to hold onto a boyfriend I’d only been dating for a few weeks?
The man who, I was sure, was for me.
I hadn’t believed in soul mates or things “meant to be,” but faced with Seth’s departure from my life they suddenly became more of a real concept. What if Seth was “the one” and this was about to mark the point where he “got away?”
“It’s going to be okay, Quinn,” he said in a steady voice. “Don’t worry.”
I clenched my jaw to keep from crying, but my chin quivered. “I’m not worried,” I lied. “How long are you going to be gone?” I cringed, afraid of the answer.
“I’m being deployed for six months. It’s short.”
“Okay,” I gasped. “That is short.” Thank God. I’d been imagining a year. Or two.
“And I’m going next week.”
I scrambled to get a better grip on his hand. “When? What day?”
“Friday.”
He was so calm about it, so blasé even. And why shouldn’t he be? It was his job, something he’d committed himself to years ago. He’d been to Afghanistan before. He’d told me it was the first place he deployed to. But we hadn’t talked much about his career in the military, and now I cursed myself for that. Maybe if I had faced the reality head on, his deployment would be easier on me. Of course, I wouldn’t ever be as accepting of it as he was, but I could try. I should have been proud. I had a boyfriend who put himself at risk on a regular basis to protect the rest of us.
But the “putting himself at risk” was the part I couldn’t stop thinking about.
“I’m going to training just out of the city, and then I’ll ship out.”
“Okay,” I sighed. Training outside of the city. At least it wasn’t as far away as Afghanistan. Having him that close, if only for a little while, made me feel slightly better.
“Quinn.” He rubbed the back of my neck. My eyes snapped up and onto his. “It’s going to be all right. This isn’t going to change anything between us.”
Tears sprang into my eyes. “Really?”
“Really.”
“I’m afraid it will. Six months… I know it’s not that long. But for us… we haven’t been together even as long as you’ll be gone...”
“I understand. We’ll talk, okay? I’ll call when I’ve got cell service, and we’ll email. We might even be able to Skype every once in a while. I know the camp I’m going to. It’s the one I was at last time I was in Afghanistan.”
Each word calmed me a little bit more. Already I could see things working out. Seth would write. I would share his letters with my friends, maybe even do something horrendously cheesy like wear a locket with his photo in it — a thing I never would have done in the past. But something like that would help me miss him a little less.
I may not understand all of what was happening, but Seth did. And I made up my mind to trust him.
I blinked away the tears. “Okay. This is going to be good.”
He nodded, his eyes never wavering from mine.
Starlet and I spent the rest of the week at Seth’s. His place was closer to my office than my house, and with him getting everything in order before he left, it just made sense. Seth asking me to pack a bag and head over there had meant everything in the world. He wanted me with him each spare minute, wanted to hold me as close and as badly as I did him.
Each morning when he headed for the gym, I went in to work, pushing through the morning and working through lunch so I could finish early and go back to his place.
Each day sped by, Friday morning creeping fearfully closer. Starlet knew something was up. She’d loved to be at Seth’s, but now she nervously followed us around the place, her round eyes letting us know that she had sensed the energy in the air was suddenly different.
Early Friday morning, I found myself staring at the ceiling. A thick gray filled the room, lightening the slightest amount with each second. Daylight was coming, like it or not. Soon I would drive Seth to the Army’s office downtown so he could be transported to training, and then put on a plane and taken across the ocean.
And me? What would I do? What would I have left?
I still had all the things that I possessed before him. My career. My friends. My family. The little pug I snuggled with at night. I’d dropped some things. I didn’t go out as much anymore and didn’t drink as much, even when at home. I never even thought about other guys. I’d officially cut my regular hookup, Matt, loose weeks before, and no way was I going to pick things up with him again. No way would I even go on as much as one date. My heart now belonged to Seth, and it was going to stay that way.
Seth filled not only the wide spaces in my life but the little cracks as well. He’d seeped into all the spaces that I’d known were empty, and all the spaces I hadn’t even known existed. He plugged the holes and made all the good parts about life better. We were connected in a way I could have never imagined, and that I still didn’t understand.
He stirred in his sleep next to me, each sacred inhale and exhale filling the bedroom.
That’s the way things were. Life seemed so ordinary until something happened to make you wake up and realize it would one day all be gone. After that things became holy.
Seth rolled over onto his stomach and flung an arm over me. I bit my bottom lip, trying not to cry. Maybe if I never woke him… we could stay in the bedroom forever while, outside, time would stop.
“Mmm,” he murmured groggily, his fingers tightening on my tank top.
I shimmied down and pushed myself under his arm. My nose scraped the bristles on his jaw, and his breath kissed my face.
Languidly, his lips moved across my cheek, then brushed my mouth. I closed my eyes, my whole body relaxing into the bed. Gently, his lips pushed against mine, each little kiss slow and deep.
I pressed my hands to his chest, absorbing his warmth, letting it sink into me all the way to my toes. Seth surrounded me, filled me, became a part of me.
Two strong hands dipped under my tank top and circled my waist, slowly covering each inch in a worship worthy manner. I took my time as well, counting the beats between our breaths as I idolized his shoulders, his arms... His chest, his hips, jaw, lips... Over and over, again and again. I explored each part of his body twenty times and found something new each time. A mole I hadn’t noticed before. A slight scar.
He handed me a condom, and I rolled it on for him, loving the intimacy of sheathing him.
Seth pushed my underwear down and over my legs. I edged even closer against his chest until I was facing him sideways underneath the sheets. Somehow we pressed even closer together, and he grabbed my hair, holding me tight, while the other hand kept me firmly planted to him at the waist.
His cock plunged into me, stretching me to my peak. I gasped into his mouth and mashed my teeth against his. I wanted him to pummel me, to fill me up, to destroy me even. Because in that destruction I would become his, never able to be separated from him, no matter how much space separated us. I would belong to him.
But he didn’t destroy me. Instead, he cherished me, taking his time and feeling his way along my inner walls. I cried out against his lips as he made love to me, his fingers pressing hard into my back and hips.
I hoped his touch would leave bruises. I hoped they would stay for six months, tattooed into my skin until he came home.
Seth’s fingers trailed languidly across my shoulder and down my chest, to lovingly caress my breasts before swirling downward and hitting my clit. He ran his thumb over it in slow, deliberate circles, making the pleasure in me rise and fall, rise and fall. An orgasm built inside of me, and I came, shaking and driving the points of my hips against his.
He took my kiss deeper. I searched his mouth with my tongue. Everything I looked for he gave, and vice versa, driven by the passion in our hearts.
Scooping his arm under me, Seth flipped me onto my back. He planted his forearms on either side of my head and he sunk in, his length going all the way into me. I opened my eyes for a second, peeking at him through the kiss.
But he looked too good. I couldn’t stand it. I had to close my eyes, welcome the darkness, kiss him to show him that he meant more to me than words could say.
He clutched my hair tighter, gasping my name over and over, the syllables distorted against my lips as we came together.
Gingerly, Seth pressed his sweaty forehead against my own. Our bodies stilled; the light in the room was brighter.
The day was here.
“I love you,” he whispered.
I shut my eyes tighter, only allowing one tear to slip from them. “I love you too.”