CHAPTER FIVE
Jake
Six Years Earlier…
I stretched my arms above my head and gazed up at the skylight. With its tinted glass, the window directly above my bed let in just the right amount of light. During the night, it was the perfect bait for luring girls up to my room. Not that they typically needed much convincing. Even girls from Weston’s other high school followed me around like I was a celebrity. But innocently dropping the fact that my bedroom was the perfect spot to stargaze didn’t hurt when it came to sealing the deal.
“Jake? Are you listening to me?”
“Huh?” I glanced over at the phone I’d set on the bedside table and rolled onto my side. I’d nearly forgotten my uncle was on the phone.
The last couple weeks had been this way. With graduation so close and the rest of my life stretched out in front of me, how could I logically be expected to focus on anything?
Just getting through the last few weeks of school had been torture. Most of what I was being forced to cram into my head, I’d never need again. Not once. For me, college wasn’t an option — no matter how many lectures Uncle Paul gave me on the importance of hard work and laying a basis for success. I would be nineteen years old in a few months and had over eight hundred million dollars in the bank, with more to come my way every birthday for the next twenty years. I didn’t need fucking school. All I needed was some good insider information on investing. For some reason, my uncle didn’t get this. Though he’d made a shit-ton of money himself in consulting, he was still tight and anxious.
Talk about a nonstop buzzkill.
“I can tell you’re not taking this seriously,” Uncle Paul said, poor reception cutting off half of his words.
I started to groan but checked myself. If Paul thought real shit was going on at home, he’d come back from his business trip early. “I’m listening,” I promised and plopped my arm over my eyes.
“You didn’t give me a direct answer, so I’m going to ask you again. And don’t lie to me, Jake. Have you been drag racing?”
“No,” I lied. “What? You think I’m really that stupid?”
There was a scoffing sound, then, “Why have I heard from two different people that you’ve been out racing on King Street?”
“I don’t know, Uncle Paul. Maybe because there are old bitches in Weston who have nothing better to do than spread rumors and talk shit?”
“Jake,” he chastised, my name coming out of his mouth like a bullet. “There is also photographic evidence. Congratulations, you made the tabloids. Again.”
Shit!
Fucking paparazzi. Who was I anyway? Not some damn celebrity, so I wished they’d just leave me the hell alone. Since the moment I turned eighteen, reporters had consistently been on my ass. Billionaire playboy was what they called me, and I hated it. Just because my parents died and left me a shit load of money, it didn’t make me anything to anyone. A celebrity? It was total bullshit.
“Jake, you know better. You know what your parents would say if they were alive to hear about this.”
A burning started in my chest. I fucking hated it when Uncle Paul pulled the your parents card. He didn’t do it often, but it was a low blow when he did. I sometimes wondered if he thought I should have been in that car instead of his brother. I sometimes wondered the same thing.
“I’m telling the truth,” I vehemently answered. We hadn’t really been going that fast, so it didn’t feel like a total lie. I know he didn’t understand why I wanted to be in a fast car when I lost my parents that way. I didn’t want to think about the psychology behind it either.
Silence stretched out until my forehead prickled with sweat. “We’ll talk about this more when I get home,” he finally said on a long exhale.
I rolled my eyes. “Fine. Whatever.”
“Jake—”
I hit the end call button and resisted the urge to throw the phone across the room. “Jesus Christ,” I muttered. “Asshole.”
I wouldn’t have been surprised to find out that Uncle Paul had skipped over his adolescence entirely. He seemed to have no clue about what being a teenager was like. The dude rode my ass nonstop, basically always pushing me to do the opposite of whatever I currently was doing.
“Knock-a-fucking-knock.”
I started at the voice and bolted to a sitting position just in time to see Trey fly through the air and land on my bed.
“You stalking me?” I asked and pulled a pillow over my face.
“Front door was wide open. A piece of advice? Lock up. There’s a lot of good shit in here. What would Paul say if he came home and found his signed baseball collection gone?”
“Who gives a fuck?” I stood up and pulled on my shoes.
Trey grinned. “Trouble in paradise?”
“Shut up,” I muttered, not looking at him. If I did, I’d end up laughing at his shit-eating grin.
He made little kissing noises. “Aw, Jakey-poo is upset.”
I guffawed. I couldn’t help it. Trey’s humor — as usual — always broke my bad mood, and it had never once let me down. “Only because I need to fucking let loose.”
“You’ll get your chance. I just heard Auriana Dawson is throwing a party this weekend.”
I felt the grin break across my face. “Hell, yeah.”
“Tell me about it. Her parents are going to be out of town and they have that sweet swimming pool.”
I went to the closet, stripped off my already sweat-soaked shirt, and tossed it to the floor. The housekeeper wasn’t coming until the next day, but I didn’t spend much time in my room anyway, so if I left a mess, it wouldn’t bother me. Pulling on a fresh shirt, I turned back to Trey. “I was thinking more about Auriana herself.”
Trey rolled his eyes. “That girl is chaste as a nun, man.”
I winked. “Up until now. Just wait till I get my hands on her.”
“Nu-uh. Don’t be so cocky. I heard she’s still a virgin.”
I shot him the look. “So are you.”
Trey flipped me off. “Jerk.”
I couldn’t leave it alone. “When are you gonna pop that cherry? I mean, come on. I know a million girls who would sleep with you.”
“Yeah, but how many of those girls have you already fucked?”
I laughed. “An undisclosed amount.”
“Right.” He rolled his eyes. “I’ll pass. I’m not in a rush… you know that.”
“Yeah, I know.” When it came to sex, Trey was kind of like a girl. He had all these fancy notions about love and romance. He’d had a few girlfriends, but never even tried to get to third base with any of them. He always talked about waiting for the right time. I couldn’t figure out how he’d gotten all of that shit into his head.
I slipped on my favorite wristwatch. Since I always had my smartphone on me, I didn’t really need it. It was great for looks though. Real diamonds were set into the face’s circumference, and when people saw me wearing such an expensive watch, they immediately knew I had money. They knew I was somebody.
Well, I looked like somebody at least.
“Hey, what happened with you and those girls the other day?” Trey asked.
I smirked. “What do you think?”
He shook his head and grinned. “Man, with that kind of luck, how could you ever be in a bad mood?”
“It’s not luck. You could get the same kind of action if you wanted to.”
“Don’t want to,” he snapped back.
“So don’t act so high and mighty. I have to distract myself somehow from life in this shithole.”
Trey picked my basketball up from the floor and tossed it at the hoop hanging from the wall. It bounced off the rim and onto the floor where it rolled into the closet. “I’m not talking down to you. Stop making shit up. Oh, and I know when you say ‘shithole’ you’re not talking about this mega-mansion.”
“This town is so backwards, man. You know it.”
Trey shrugged and retrieved the ball. “Where else would you want to live?”
“Anywhere. You know that.” I folded my arms and gave it some more thought. “Somewhere bigger.”
He made a poor attempt at spinning the basketball on the tip of his finger. “You always say that, but I’ve yet to hear any real plans from you. You say you’re not going to college. You say you’re not staying here. So what are you doing after school?”
Trey looked straight at me, his face flat and serious. I just shrugged.
He frowned and went on. “I mean, Skye and I will both be off to college in the fall, but what about you?”
The question made my stomach twist. “I’ll be doing whatever I want,” I snapped. “That’s the one thing that’s so great about being me.”
Trey shook his head and laughed. “Damn, you’re hopeless.”
I tried to lighten the mood further and made kissing noises at him. “Isn’t that what you love about me?”
“I guess so. Think fast.” He tossed the ball at me and I caught it just before it crashed into my face.
“Maybe I’ll follow you to South Carolina,” I said and rolled the ball up my arm and across my chest, Globetrotter style.
He shot me a look. “Or Skye to the big city?”
“You’re asking me to pick between my two best friends?”
Trey colored slightly and looked away. “No, stop being an ass.”
I bounced the basketball on my hardwood floor and sent it flying for the basket. It entered the net with a satisfying swooshing noise and hit the floor with a solid bounce. “It’s fine. If I had to pick between you two, I’d probably choose Skye. You know, just because she has tits and all.”
Trey let out an uncomfortable chuckle. I was joking — sort of — but the jab had probably hit a little close to home. Just between the two of us, it was no secret that we both liked Skye. A lot. Even though I played my feeling down for his sake and mine. Since the day I knew girls had something special to offer, the number one female in my mind was Skye Crawford.
It was the same for Trey. No, it was more so for Trey. He was in love with her. He longed to be with her. Wanted a future with her. Which was why we’d agreed a few years ago to never pursue her. There were some things in life that were too sacred to be fucked with. For us, that was our friendship. We would have referred to ourselves as the twenty-first century three musketeers if we dared to be that cheesy.
Skye and Trey had been there for me when I most needed friends. After my parents died so suddenly, I found myself thrust into a new school in a new town. I thought my life was as good as over. I thought I must have done something wrong. Why else would God take away my parents and destroy my entire life?
Meeting Trey and Skye changed things for me. They accepted me just as I was. Everyone in our school had heard about the new kid, the one whose parents had died and left him an orphan. Everywhere I went, I was assailed with questions. Do you miss them? What was the funeral like? Did you see the bodies? And the question that still haunted me… Do you wish you’d died with them?
But it was different with Skye and Trey. They never asked me that stupid shit. Instead, they just invited me over to watch movies and light fireworks Skye stole from her cousin’s family’s big fireworks blowout. It was a match made in heaven.
Skye and Trey had done more for me than anyone ever could, and all just by staying by my side. The truth was that thinking about the future scared me. I couldn’t imagine life without the two of them by my side. And if it ever came down to me having to pick between the two of them…
I wouldn’t be able to do it. They were more than friends. More than family. They were my life.
Trey’s phone buzzed, and he pulled it from his pocket to read the text. “Preston is on his way over.”
“Where’s Skye?”
“She said she was staying home to study.”
“Study what? School’s almost over.”
“Yeah, but she wants to get a head start on next year. She already got the syllabus for one of her classes, and she’s reading the textbook.”
“Lame.”
“Totally.”
Trey grinned, and I had the feeling we were thinking the same thing: Skye was anything but lame.
“Hey, are you doing all right?”
I looked at Trey in confusion. “What do you mean?”
He licked his lower lip and hesitated. “I just mean… I don’t know, what with everything changing. Everyone going away to school and all...”
“And me living off my trust fund?”
Trey looked embarrassed. “Yeah.”
“I’m getting the fuck out of here. I already told you that. It’s all planned. A year in Europe, then I don’t know where I’ll land.”
“You could come to South Carolina with me. I don’t have to live in a dorm. We could get a house.”
“Maybe.” I turned around and busied myself with stuffing my wallet and phone into my pants pockets. Talking about all of this still made me uncomfortable. What I really wanted was for Skye and Trey to come with me wherever I went. I had enough money for the three of us to live the next one hundred years in any way we wanted, anywhere we wanted.
I’d already suggested this to the two of them, but they’d both shot down the idea. They were set on school, determined to live normal lives, and do things the expected way. It had already been decided — they were leaving me behind.
Once my two best friends were gone, I didn’t know what I was going to do. Live in a mansion on my own private island and only see the two of them during Christmas and summer breaks? It sounded bleak and depressing as fuck.
I was done talking about this. Turning back around, I punched Trey in the shoulder as I walked by. “Let’s get the Maserati out… show Preston how to have some real fun.”
Present Day…
I jammed my fists into my pants pockets and walked. And walked. Faces passed and horns honked. The red, white, and yellow city lights flickered, pulsed, and died. None of it mattered. None of it had ever mattered.
I had a son.
I’d known it at the ball park, when Skye wouldn’t give me a direct answer. But then, I’d been able to come up with an alternate excuse. She’d fallen into the arms of another guy after I left town, I’d told myself. Which made sense. I’d broken her heart. Of course she would’ve moved on as quickly as she could. I didn’t even know whether or not I wanted Jagger to be my kid.
Children.
I’d never thought of them. Not in the way most people do, anyway. Sure… once when we were hanging out playing a board game, the question of kids had been brought up. That was when I’d admitted that I liked Jagger for a boy, Ella Grace for a girl. But it was a random discussion, nothing else.
But since that moment, kids hadn’t even crossed my mind. Now, the thought that any kid who wasn’t mine was lucky crossed my mind. I wasn’t exactly poster material for dads everywhere. To say I was a bad role model would have been an understatement. But did I want kids?
I had never let myself fully answer that, but if truth be told, then… hell yes, I wanted kids. Just like I wanted a woman to love and friends to count on. But I didn’t deserve any of that.
Hearing the truth straight from Skye’s lips did something to me. I thought I was ready for her answer, but I was wrong. The second she uttered yes, it was like getting a cannonball to the gut. I had a son, all thanks to my stupidity. And I’d missed the first five years of his life, again, all thanks to my own stupidity.
I crossed a street and walked faster. Skye hadn’t come after me, and I hadn’t expected her to, even though I wished she would. I thought I’d finished inflicting pain on her six years ago. Now it turned out I’d never stopped. I left a brown-eyed reminder behind.
Did she see me every time she looked into Jagger’s face? We had the same hair. Same eyes. The kid even had my dimples. And he was going to be tall like me. I didn’t need a DNA test to know the truth. The little guy was the spitting image of me.
My stomach ballooned as all my new responsibilities filled it. Now that I knew I had a son, I couldn’t go on living life the same way. I may not have known about Jagger, but I planned on spending the rest of my life making up for those lost five years. I would do whatever I needed to do to show him I cared, to show him he mattered. I knew what it was like to be a kid without a dad. I wouldn’t wish that shit on anyone.
Coming across a small park, I settled onto a bench. Leaning across my knees, I breathed in and out. Each slow exhale calmed my conflicting emotions a bit more. If I wasn’t such a fuck-up, I would have been thrilled to find out I had a son. But as things stood…?
What if I hurt Jagger the same way I hurt everyone else?
I shook the thought from my head. I couldn’t let that happen. Jagger needed me. Or maybe he didn’t need me, I wasn’t sure. But I was brought back into his life, and I had to believe it was because I was supposed to be here, that this wasn’t some cosmic joke being played on me or him.
Maybe I couldn’t really change myself, but I could at least act normal around him.
This was all assuming Skye even wanted Jagger to see me again. I’d stormed out before she had a chance to go on. For all I knew, she wanted nothing to do with me. If that was her choice, then she had a right to it. I was the one who left. Not only had she stayed, but she raised our son all on her own.
“Christ,” I gasped, running my palm over my eyes. I still couldn’t wrap my head around the strange turn of events. My whole life, I’d worked hard to leave things behind. It seemed each year was just another segment in a long set of frantic escape attempts. First, it was trying to recover from losing my parents. Then Weston. And then it was what happened overseas.
I’d tried to run from it too, but the memories haunted me.
Post-traumatic stress disorder.
That was the official diagnosis they’d given me — at least, the one therapist I’d seen since coming back home. After that diagnosis, I stopped going. Maybe I needed a shrink, but I didn’t deserve one. Good men were dead or maimed in a life-altering way, yet I couldn’t control my fucking emotions. That was seriously screwed up. Pathetic. I hated myself for it. For many things.
I wasn’t sure if karma existed, but if it did then I was currently doing my duty. I was suffering for my crimes.
The thought made me pull my cell phone out. I held it in my hands and looked at it for a long time. Maybe a minute passed. Maybe twenty. I wasn’t sure and it didn’t matter.
It had been a while since I listened to the voice mail. The original phone I received it on was now long gone, but it didn’t matter how many new phones I bought, I could still access this message in the cloud. It kept my head straight, reminded me I was a screw-up and a danger to the people around me. It stopped me from making the same mistake twice — or anything similar to it. It reminded me that we’re always one minute away from losing our heads, from hurting the people we love the most.
Scrolling through the phone, I found what I was looking for and pressed play. The familiar voice crackled over the line, a faint rush of cars in the background.
“Dude, Jake, it’s Trey. Your best friend, remember?” He cursed, the air causing static to crackle across the line. “Yeah, I guess you don’t. I guess you forgot everything, didn’t you? You just had to have her. The one thing good in my life, and you destroyed it. Well, fuck you. Fuck her. Fuck everything.” He was crying now, yelling into the phone. “You’re a shitty friend. A shitty person. I hate you, man. I hate—”
I closed my eyes as the squeal of tires and the rumble of a car engine came through the line. Trey’s scream was the last thing I heard before the line went dead.
I sat frozen, still holding the phone and debating whether or not to play the message again. Eventually, I decided one time was enough. All it took was one second of hearing Trey’s voice. With it, all the memories came back. All the reminders.
Pocketing the phone, I gazed up at the gray, polluted sky. I needed to do things right this time.
For the life of me, I didn’t know if doing the right thing meant I stayed or walked away.
If I was part of Jagger’s life or if I left him alone.
Maybe the kid would be better off without me.
But would I be better off without him?
Without her?
No.
That was the only thing that was clear.
In the space of the minutes I spent thinking about this huge change in my life, I’d come to one conclusion. I needed to try.
Would I fuck up? Probably.
And if I did, I’d just have to try harder.
Harder than I’d ever tried for anything in my life.
As I looked up at the hazy heavens, the clouds parted and the moon gazed down at me, almost as if it was giving me its approval.
It was settled then.
If Skye allowed me to be part of their lives, I would worship Jagger. I would be the dad every kid needed. Maybe someday Skye and I could even be friends… or at least friendly. But even though I would make sure to do everything right, I couldn’t get it twisted. Stepping up and being a good dad wouldn’t mean I’d ever be able to atone for my past sins.
I was a jerk, but I wasn’t completely stupid. The biggest act of kindness in the world couldn’t make up for the pain I’d caused. I’d accepted that long, long ago.