CHAPTER FIFTEEN
I worked the conversation over and over in my head, trying to think of it as a business meeting. All I needed to do was take the proper steps.
Be pleasant.
Present my case.
Thank Seth for his time.
But the plan was ridiculous. This wasn’t a business meeting. This was a serious talk with the first man I’d wanted to be my boyfriend in years. I wasn’t negotiating a deal. I was looking for so much more.
I was looking to give him my heart.
He called at noon on Sunday, to let me know he could meet up for dinner. He suggested an Italian restaurant halfway between our places, but I asked him to come to my house first. The subject that needed to be broached wasn’t one I wanted to share in public.
I sat in the living room flipping through channels. I kept glancing toward the window, looking for headlights flashing up the drive. When a pair that didn’t belong to a passing car swept the living room, I sprang up and opened the door.
Even the dim porch light showed the change in Seth right away. Something was different about him, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was.
“How are you?” he asked, stepping inside and coming close for a kiss.
Half-afraid the contact would be cold and emotionless, I tensed. His touch was the same as I remembered, though, and after a moment I relaxed into it. Breaking off, I led him to the couch then turned off the TV before taking a seat next to him.
“I’m sorry I had to cancel yesterday.”
“Thank you,” I answered. “It’s all right. You had to see your dad.” I bit my tongue slightly. I couldn’t let the issue just rest. There was more to say, more to ask, and I needed to get down to the matter. “So your dad is gone now?”
Seth’s eyes flicked toward the wall, avoiding contact with mine. “Yes.”
Tension bunched in my shoulders. I sucked in a sharp breath. “Seth… was your father really in town?”
This time his blue eyes locked right onto mine. “What?”
“I mean...” I licked my lips and tried again. “If he wasn’t, if you were doing something else, you can tell me. I don’t expect you to spend all your free time with me, and I know we haven’t talked about being exclusive or anything. So, if you’re seeing other people, it’s all right.”
According to Heather, that is.
“What are you talking about?” he demanded. “Quinn, you’re not making sense.”
I lifted my chin, eager to defend myself. “Rory saw you at the bar she works at last night. You remember my friend Rory? At her art opening?”
“Yes,” he sharply answered. “I remember her.”
“Do you? Do you remember what she looks like? She was the bartender at Reparations.”
His eyes went a little wider, making my heart sink. He did have something to hide. It was obvious in the way he worked to keep the muscles of his face passive.
A girl. He’d been with another girl. Most likely he was just killing time at the bar, waiting to meet up with her. Where had they gone? Her place? His? Had they gotten naked in his bed, the same place Seth and I…
I jutted my chin out a little farther, unable to stop myself. “I’m not suggesting you tell me about everything you do. I’m not your girlfriend after all. But it would have been nice if you’d given me a little bit more notice before canceling on me. It’s just common courtesy.”
Seth’s eyebrows twisted. “What are you going on about, Quinn? Do you hear yourself right now?”
I folded my arms, pressed them against my wildly beating heart. I had to protect my heart, had to prevent it from getting hurt anymore. “I know you probably see other girls. It’s fine. I’m not exactly a one-man woman myself. I’m too busy for a boyfriend.”
His jaw clicked. “For your information, I haven’t been with another woman since I started seeing you.”
I blinked hard, taken aback by the news. “Really?”
“Yes. Really. Have you been with anyone else?”
“I… no.”
“All right then. Anything else you want to ask?”
“What were you doing at that bar for so long?” I lashed out, unable to keep my attitude in check.
“I was waiting to meet up with my father.”
I shook my head in confusion. “So you hadn’t seen him all day? You could have gone to the park with me earlier like we planned...”
Seth’s nostrils flared. He was getting pissed, but I didn’t care. Despite him declaring that I was the only woman in his life, I still hurt. Backing down now seemed impossible.
“I did see him earlier,” Seth explained. “I was going to meet up with him again.” He huffed and ran a hand through his hair.
I relaxed a little bit, the angry burst ending. I’d overreacted. Big time. And now I’d also made a fool of myself. Despite my embarrassment, the relief over knowing he hadn’t blown me off for another woman was heaven sent. Now I could apologize, and we could move on.
“You have an extreme need to know everything,” Seth said suddenly.
I reeled back as if slapped and stared at him. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me.”
I scoffed, unable to believe we’d been one second away from making peace. “I do not.”
“Then what’s with the obsession to always know where I am and who I’m with?”
I flew off the couch and stood to face him, my hands curling into fists at my sides. “That’s a mighty big accusation. Sorry to burst your bubble, Seth, but I’m not obsessed with you. I have a life. I have a business to run. I’m not just sitting on this couch waiting for you to come by.”
“But you had time to check in with your friend to see what I was doing.”
“Rory texted me. Got that? She was the one who got in touch. And if you want to talk about time...”
He waved his hand and stood as well. “No, I don’t.”
I rammed my hands on my hips. “You’re telling me I have a control issue. That’s really the pot calling the kettle black...”
“I didn’t say it was an issue.”
“Didn’t you mean it? You said I have an extreme need to know things, so didn’t you really mean to say I’m a control freak?”
I stared him down, daring him to protest. Seth just shook his head and took a step away from me. My heart contracted. Was he about to walk out my door?
And away from me for good?
He stopped moving. “I didn’t come here to argue with you over which one of us is more Type A. That’s a fight that would never end.”
“You’re doing a pretty good job of starting it.”
For a second, he looked like he might smile, giving me hope that this might soon be over with, but then the twist in his lips turned into a snarl. “Are you trying to push me away? Is that what you want? Is this so I can become another guy that you use and then toss away?”
“No!” I nearly yelled. “What the fuck are you talking about, using and tossing away?”
His expression went flat. “I’ve heard about your past.”
My heart slammed against my chest. Was he going to try and shame me for being a single and carefree woman?
“I’ve heard about yours,” I shot back. “And I don’t care. I didn’t care. It doesn’t matter to me.”
Seth lifted his chin, his nostrils going wide. “I don’t care either. We’re both free to do what we want to, but believe me when I say that you’re the only girl I’m interested in right now. I’m not off at bars looking for other girls. Especially not when you’re the one I wanted to spend my weekend with.”
I pursed my lips, my throat burning so badly I couldn’t speak. Maybe he wasn’t trying to make me feel guilty, but now I did.
“My father was in town,” he said.
“All right,” I rasped, nearly choking. “I got that. I’m sorry.”
“Okay, so what more do you want from me? Do you want a full list of everything I did this weekend so that you can know where I was at all times? So you can put me in a neat little box, compartmentalize me like everything else?”
“You’re being an asshole.”
“And you’re being paranoid. I was with my father.”
“All right! I said okay. I’m sorry!” I screamed.
A heavy silence followed my shout. I closed my eyes and pressed my fingertips against them. The outburst had been an accident. I was frayed at the seams, ready to give up, willing to forget about all of this, if only we could find a way out of it.
“What do you want, Quinn?” Seth asked softly. “Did you want to meet him?”
I slowly opened my eyes to look at him. Seth and the room were hazy from the tears in my eyes.
His hands deep in his pockets, he shrugged. “Because you can’t. I’m sorry. It’s just one of those things I can’t share. I don’t introduce my dad to anyone. Not ever. It’s complicated.”
“How complicated can it be?” I found myself asking. “I know you don’t have the best relationship with him. You’ve explained that.”
I didn’t care about meeting his father. I would have done it and liked it, but it wasn’t important. I was needling Seth, trying to get a rise from him. The sad thing was I didn’t really understand why I did it. All I knew was that I was hurting, and Seth seemed to be the reason for that pain.
Instead of retaliation, sadness struck his eyes. “Believe me, when I say it’s complicated, it’s really complicated.”
I sniffed pathetically. What was I doing? What was this conversation even about any more? It had started as a discussion about… I couldn’t even remember. What was it I wanted from Seth? Exclusivity? Unwavering devotion?
I wanted something more than I’d ever had. That was the answer. I just didn’t know how to put it into words, didn’t know how to ask for it.
I wanted his attention, his care. And now I was sabotaging my likelihood of ever receiving that again, as I stood in front of him making a babbling idiot of myself.
“I need to go.” He turned and strode for the door.
Just like that? I wanted to scream. I tried to stammer out his name, but I was in shock and the door already closing. His footsteps thudded down the stairs of the front stoop, and the door of his Jeep opened. I still stayed where I was, frozen.
It wasn’t until his car engine started and he drove away that I came to.
What had I done?
I’d asked him over in the hopes that things would turn out peacefully, but they’d blown up in my face. I should have just listened to what he told me. I shouldn’t have made a big deal out of things. Of course, he didn’t have to introduce his father to me. We’d only begun dating. Like I’d scornfully said, I wasn’t his girlfriend.
And now I might never be. I’d fucked up big time and needed to fix it.
“Shit,” I hissed, running to grab my purse. Starlet darted out of the way, nervous over all the unusual activity.
I called Seth’s phone, but he didn’t answer. Desperate to do something, anything, I snatched up my keys and booked it from the house.
Sunday night was a quiet time in my already demure neighborhood. I took the route I always traversed when going to Seth’s, thinking maybe I could catch up to him. Taking the turn out onto the main road, I hit the gas a little hard and prayed no cops were around.
It’s a matter of life and death, I imagined myself telling the police officer who would pull me over. Please, Officer. I have to catch him. I just have to!
I passed one car and then another, then checked my speed gauge and slowed down. This was crazy. If I wasn’t careful, I was going to wreck and hurt someone.
Then I saw it. Seth’s Jeep at the corner gas station I often stopped to fill up at on my way home from work. He leaned against the driver’s side door as his tank filled. I took a turn so sharp my tires squealed. Pulling up behind Seth’s Jeep, I jumped out and rushed over to him.
He straightened and stared at me with wide eyes. “What are you doing?”
“I’m sorry,” I gasped. “God, I’m so fucking stupid. I’m so, so, so stupid.” The words came at a mile a minute, too fast for me to stop or even filter them. “I was just worried. It’s been so long since I liked someone as much as I like you, and it freaks me out. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid it’s all going to blow up. I don’t know what I was saying back there. I was just going on and on. I couldn’t shut my mouth because I’m afraid. I’m afraid… I’m afraid...”
I stopped to take in a breath.
Seth looked at me, his lips twisting the slightest bit in that way that drove me crazy. It was the look he got when you couldn’t tell whether he was about to smile or sneer. I loved that look. Hated that look. Feared that look. Was driven crazy by that look.
The gas pump clicked, signaling the tank was full.
Seth turned and put the pump away then screwed the cap back onto his tank’s opening. I exhaled my disappointment. He hadn’t accepted my apology. He was going to get in that Jeep and drive away. I’d never see him again.
It would serve me right. I’d royally screwed up. Maybe next time — if I ever fell for a man the way I had for him — I would do things right. Until then I’d be haunted by the images Seth would leave behind.
But he didn’t leave. He stepped forward and wrapped his hand around the nape of my neck, lightly twisting some hair in his grasp. Nerves woke and tingled down my neck, my back, into my toes.
My knees shook and nearly buckled.
Seth looked down at me, his breath covering my mouth like a warm blanket. “I’m sorry too. I wasn’t exactly thinking straight either. I could have called you earlier, but I didn’t know when my dad could meet me. I was waiting for his text, and I was stressed out. I didn’t want to expose you to my bad mood.”
I swallowed hard and nodded. It all made sense. If I’d been able to speak more clearly earlier, the whole fight could have been avoided. Now, I didn’t need or want to hear anymore. I just wanted to move on, go back to the blissful feelings we had the weekend before.
“Will you come back with me?” I whispered. “Come to my house.”
Seth’s thumb brushed my lips. “Yes. But what about dinner?”
“Oh… yeah. I forgot all about that.”
“Come on. Let’s go get some dinner. Afterwards we can head back to your place.”
I followed him to the restaurant we’d decided on hours ago. After parking next to him, I quickly climbed out of my car and jumped into his Jeep before he managed to open his door.
“Wait,” I said. “Just a second, before we go in. You were right. I am controlling.”
He lightly shook his head. “That wasn’t a fair thing for me to say. You’re no more that way than I am.”
“I’m going to work on it.”
“And so am I.”
I smiled. “Okay.”
He cocked his head and looked out across the parking lot. We’d parked at the far edge, at the back of the restaurant and away from most of the cars. Traffic whirred from nearby; nothing but a tall hedge separated us from a busy road. “It’s hard to keep everything in life compartmentalized.”
I didn’t know what to say. Was he referring to my life or his?
He sighed heavily. “We all have so many secrets, and keeping them from each other can be damaging.” His jaw tensed, and he looked down at his lap.
“You want to know about my life?” I slowly asked.
He looked over at me, his attention all I needed to go on. “You’re the only man in my life,” I explained. “And you’re all I need. That’s scary, but there. That’s the truth, and I’ve said it now. So at least that much isn’t a secret.”
Seth reached out and took my hand. “You’re so beautiful.”
I tried to smile again. It was a sweet thing to say, but not what I needed to hear. One of my greatest fears in our burgeoning relationship was that I was nothing more than just an attractive face to him, someone pretty for him to kill time with. Many men had been only that to me. What he’d said about my past hit close to home, but at least we’d gotten our dating histories out there.
“And strong,” Seth added. “And tender… though that last part of you can be a bit hard to find.”
I snorted and shook my head. “I’m callous. I think that’s what you really mean to say.”
“No, you’re not. You have a soft heart, so you keep it well-guarded.” He hooked my chin with his finger and turned my face toward his. His breath came out ragged, and his pupils dilated. His Adam’s apple bobbed.
Was he nervous about something?
“I love you, Quinn. I want you to know that.”
My lips parted in a pathetic attempt to speak. “I…” With my heart swelling and my head spinning, I just stared at Seth, waiting for the breath to enter my lungs again. “I love you too,” I found myself saying, feeling a hundred miles removed from the girl speaking the words. They were true though. They were more true than anything I’d ever spoken before.
Seth kissed me, and with his touch, the whole miserable weekend vanished. I’d done wrong by him. But now things were good, and it was up to me to make them better.
I would be kinder to him than I’d ever been to any man. I would listen more, care more. I would give him space when he needed it and my presence when it would help. I would trust in the things happening between us and go down whatever road destiny brought us to.
Pushing him back into his seat, I clambered onto his lap and kissed him harder. His hands went underneath my shirt, pushing beneath my bra to rub against my bare skin. I kissed him hungrily, the heat of our mouths and our new devotion to each other fueling the passion. With my hair falling around us, I undid his pants and pulled his dick out, then fumbled with a condom in the small space. He tugged eagerly on my shorts, trying to get them off me. With a little bit of a struggle, I finally got them down my legs and broke free of them.
Before I could get to my panties, Seth tore them off. I gasped and dropped my mouth back down onto his, sucking hard on his lip as he lowered me onto his length. I pushed myself all the way onto him, accepting his thick cock with a new pleasure.
Arms wrapped around my thighs, Seth cupped my ass while I rode him. I came quick and hard, trembling in his arms. He held me closer and pushed me down onto him, mashing his tongue against mine until he exploded inside me.
I collapsed against him, exhausted by the quick and frenzied romp. The heat of him pressed against my cheek. The Jeep’s windows were closed, and with no air conditioning on, it was unbearably hot.
“Let’s get out of here,” I gasped.
Seth smirked. “That’s it? You’re just going to fuck and run?”
I ran my finger along his jaw. “You got a problem with that?”
He lifted his chin. “Maybe I do.” Then he pulled me in for another kiss.