Sara
FOR THE FIRST couple of weeks, I was too busy to worry about fitting in. I was sure I’d forgotten the basics I’d first learned all those years ago, but I worked my ass off to remember. It was exhausting but fucking fabulous. The prospect of learning skills to earn a living—not holding a job—excited me. Or jobs, as the case used to be. The memories of my old life, although it wasn’t so old yet, exhausted me.
Thursdays were my evenings off from my paid internship at McQuaid’s, a local restaurant affiliated with Champlain. I met quite a few culinary students there, working their way through school or doing an internship like I was. The salary wasn’t much, but I’d managed to qualify for free housing and was able to hoard every cent. I loved being a part of something, working toward something besides keeping my head above water. I missed Victoria like crazy and spoke with her every day, but I drifted off each night to an untroubled and satisfied sleep.
My phone vibrated in my pocket after I shut the door to my dorm room after a full, but great day of classes. I didn’t recognize the email address popping up on the screen and was about to let it go to voice mail when I realized it was a FaceTime call. I pressed the button, a huge grin stretching my lips when Victoria’s adorable face filled the screen.
“Hey, baby!” I crossed my legs under me and held the phone at eye level. “What number are you calling from?”
“Mine!” She gave me a big smile. “Dad and Bri got me an iPad so that I could text you and FaceTime you whenever I want!”
“That’s great—” My stomach dropped from my delayed reaction. Dad? When I left her a few weeks ago, she still called her father Josh. Why did hearing her call him “Dad” unnerve me so damn much? That’s what he was to her, right? Plus, for all intents and purposes, he was her main parent now. I should’ve been happy and relieved she was acclimating to her new normal so well. And I was, but the rotten, sour feeling—an emotionally bitter aftertaste—was hard to shake off.
My daughter’s smile evaporated. I was ashamed whenever thoughts of how I’d behaved where Josh and Brianna were concerned fluttered through my mind. Whenever Victoria would try to talk to me about them, I’d shut her down, drilling it into her they would only be around temporarily. I thought it was the truth at first, but when I realized it was the opposite, full-on panic set in. She’d suffered enough for my insecurities, and so did they.
“It’s good that you call him Dad. I’m sure he really likes that.”
Her lips curved back up as she nodded. “I asked him at his birthday party, right before he asked Bri to marry him. She said I could be her flower girl!”
I had to suck in my cheeks to keep my mouth from falling open. Of course they were getting married. They practically were already. Victoria had the perfect family now, married parents and all. I inhaled a quick breath as my nose burned. I’d struggled all those years to keep her fed and clothed, managing to somehow afford dancing classes as a treat. She had the perfect life now—a huge room, an iPad of her own, and two parents. She had it all, only she had it without me.
Victoria frowned as she tilted her head at the screen. “Are you okay, Mommy?”
“Of course!” I held in a laugh when her head jerked back in surprise at my boisterous reply. “This is all great. I just really miss you, that’s all. But Thanksgiving will be here before you know it, right? And now, we can talk all the time.” My voice squeaked as I laid it on as thick as I could without bursting a blood vessel. Perky was never one of my personality traits, even before Victoria. I didn’t blame her for studying me with a confused gaze.
“You’re sure, Mommy?” Her mouth twisted in a frown. The sorrow and guilt mashing together at once were about to suffocate me.
“Absolutely. You’re going to be the prettiest flower girl in history. I can’t wait to see pictures. When are they getting married?”
“Dad said soon. Bri is taking me to buy a dress tomorrow.”
My gut twisted as I tried to think of a time I took my daughter to pick out a dress that wasn’t on sale. I skipped lunch the weeks before buying her dance recital costumes to make sure I could afford it.
“I can show you tomorrow night!” Victoria broke the long silence.
A sad smile lifted my cheeks as I shook my head. “I have to work tomorrow night. I’ll be home past your bedtime. Show me Saturday morning. Deal?”
“Deal! How’s school? Is your roommate still nice?”
“Lisa is very nice. School is fun.” I laughed at her disgusted scowl.
“How could school be fun?”
“When you get older, you’ll understand.”
Her head twisted toward something behind her. Josh’s deep laugh mixed with Victoria’s whispers.
“Couldn’t wait, huh, Sweets? Hi, Sara!” He waved a tattooed hand at me, and I couldn’t help but laugh at his goofy grin.
“Hey, Josh. Congratulations.”
His smile widened as he settled next to Victoria. “Thanks. Not exactly sudden, but it’s time. Can you come back for a weekend next month? You’re more than welcome to come.”
Again, they were always too nice to me. If only once they’d told me to fuck off, my conscience would have been more at ease.
“Thanks for the offer, but I work every weekend through Thanksgiving. I’ll look forward to the pictures.” My eyes met Victoria’s. She bounced next to her father, and as I looked between them, an unexpected warmth flooded my chest. Our struggles were just as taxing on her, even though she never made a peep about it. We were both happy in our new lives, and I hoped my time at school would eventually lead us to a place where we could enjoy all the things we’d missed together.
“Are you done with your homework?” I glanced at my watch. “It’s almost bedtime.” My heart squeezed at the familiar jut of my daughter’s bottom lip whenever I mentioned bedtime. “We’ll talk tomorrow, and every day after that. Okay?” I was soothing both of us. I didn’t want her to hang up either.
“Okay, goodnight, Mommy. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” I kissed my index finger and touched the screen over her face. She blew me a kiss back with her father chuckling next to her. Heaving a long sigh when the screen went black, I gazed up at ceiling, trying to get my bearings from all that information. I never had a problem making sacrifices for my daughter, and this time should’ve been no different. I was giving up a piece of her, so she could thrive and be happy with her father while I attempted to make a future for us.
“Hey, is something wrong?” I raised my head to Lisa’s concerned stare as she ambled through the door. “Is Victoria okay?” Her gaze stayed on me as she sat on the edge of her bed.
“She’s great.” I sighed and shook my head, laughing to myself. “Brand new iPad of her own, she gets to be flower girl at her father’s wedding, and she’s getting used to me not being around. All good.”
“I’m sure she’s not.” Lisa’s sympathetic smile didn’t make me feel any better. “I bet if you picked her up right now, she’d jump on you and ask you to take her home. My mom worked long hours and I stayed with my grandmother a lot. I loved Nana, but when my mom came home, she was all I’d see. I’m sure it’s the same.” She nudged my shoulder.
A pang twisted my chest. We had no home—not one of our own. I’d given up my apartment in Queens, and on Thanksgiving, Victoria and I would be staying with Josh and Brianna. Maybe that’s where the sour feelings were coming from. I was in a weird limbo I wasn’t used to.
“You, my dear, need a drink.” Lisa grabbed clothes out of her dresser and headed toward our bathroom. “Let’s freshen up and head to Night Owls, and you are not saying no! You’re off tonight and don’t have class until noon tomorrow. Time to embrace college life, girlfriend.” She lifted an eyebrow before shutting the door.
“I’m trying to save whatever I can. The internship doesn’t pay much—”
“Well, tonight is on me, and you can spare a couple of bucks for a drink or a cup of coffee once in a while, I’m sure. You won’t be a recluse on my watch!” She scowled before she shut the door.
When was the last time I went out for the simple sake of going out? I’d lost touch with all my friends by the time Victoria was a year old because I had no time to see them. The culinary students varied in age—some were late twenties or early thirties like I was. But this bar would probably be filled with college kids—kids I’d have no clue how to interact with.
I raked my hand through my hair and fell back on the bed. As painful as a bar sounded tonight, staying in my room and stewing over all the ways I came up short as a mother would be torturous. Conversation, drinking, it couldn’t be that hard. I did it at one time. I’d met Josh in the bar I worked at when I was a different person in an entirely different life. I managed then, but could I manage now?
I was afraid to find out.
“See, this is fun, right?” Lisa whispered as she nudged my shoulder. “Fun” was stretching it a tad too far, but it wasn’t bad. I nursed a couple of beers as I chatted with some of Lisa’s friends. An odd smile or laugh crossed my lips from time to time. Maybe this was how it felt to relax.
“This place must be boring compared to your old school in the city, right?” Lisa’s friend, Emma, asked me with wide eyes. Emma and Michelle were on the young side—mid-twenties, I guessed. They were both tiny and cute, Emma with her blonde pixie cut and Michelle’s auburn curls cascading down her back. Much to my surprise, I didn’t feel out of place. No one gave me the “what the hell is this chick in her thirties doing here” once-over or treated me differently.
“Not that much different, really . . .” I drifted off as my eyes landed on a familiar face over Emma’s shoulder. His head turned as he leaned over the table to line up his pool shot, but the tiny glimpse was enough to be certain. Drew, the tall, dark, sexy-in-a-way-I-didn’t-want-to-notice, poor stranger I crashed into in the hallway on my very first day. I hadn’t seen him since and hoped maybe he was a visitor or a part-time student, but no such luck as he was here.
His looks weren’t the only thing making it so damn hard to look away, although he really was gorgeous. The cropped yet purposeful mess of ink black hair, chocolate eyes, and olive skin—the whole package—equating to what an old coworker at my last restaurant would’ve referred to as a dreamboat. It was the fluidity of his movements I found intoxicating. The scraping of the chalk at the end of the stick as he laughed at something his friend had said, the natural grace when he leaned over the table. Even when I slammed into him, he seemed to catch me as if we were dancing. How he told me his name with a cocky confidence I felt in my toes, but he didn’t come off as full of himself.
I turned my focus back to Emma, nodding at all the appropriate times and fighting the urge to watch him a little more. Although, I’d passed watching about two minutes ago and was close to full-on ogling.
Emma glanced over her shoulder as her brows pulled together. “What are we missing?”
“Nothing. I thought I saw someone from the restaurant, but false alarm.” I forced a tight smile as the relaxed position I enjoyed for the past hour disappeared and I stiffened on my bar stool. Our encounter lasted all of three minutes, so why was I so flustered seeing him again?
“Excuse me.” I had the sudden urge for some cool water on the back of my neck and a breather. I’d wanted to ease myself into being social, not jump headfirst into the deep waters. I felt out of place and on display, and when I pushed through the ladies’ room swinging door, I glanced at the bathroom window to decipher if I could slip through and escape.
After my minute alone, I forced myself back out there. How pathetic was it that I was probably one of the oldest people there, but on the inside, the most immature by far? I put my head down and trudged back out, only to slam into a familiar hard chest.
“Sorry, hey there.” Drew’s lips stretched into a megawatt smile. It had been a long time since I liked a guy, but Drew didn’t count as I didn’t know him enough to like him. He was something pretty to look at, like the coq au vin from class the other day. Rich and decadent, but bad for my health if I indulged.
“We have to stop crashing into each other like this.” The corner of his full mouth tipped up. “Sara, right?”
“And you’re Drew. I remember.” I swayed to move past him, but he moved directly in my path.
“Well, now that the reintroductions are over. Want to join us?” He jerked his chin toward the pool table behind him.
“No, thank you. I’m here with some friends of mine. If you’ll excuse me—”
“Oh, I just figured since you kept looking, you wanted to play.” He cocked his head to the side and laughed.
“You . . . noticed me looking over here?” I was too flustered to come up with a good denial. And I’d spent the past fifteen minutes with my eyes glued to Drew’s ass as he lined up his shots. To lie and say I wasn’t would only make it worse.
“I noticed you when you first came in. I was looking, too. Just stealthier about it.” He shrugged with an arrogant smile.
“I can’t. Like I said, I’m here with my friends. Thanks for the offer.” I scooted around him and jetted back to the bar.
I touched my flushed cheeks on the way back to the girls, cringing at how I probably ran away from Drew with a beet-red face. Maybe someday I’d be able to have a coherent conversation with an attractive man.
Today was not that day.
“See, I knew you’d have a great time.” Lisa arched a brow as she unlocked our door.
“It was great to leave the room for a night, that’s for sure.” I agreed as I shrugged off my jacket. “The girls are nice. Don’t ask me to go clubbing just yet.”
She scoffed as she kicked off her boots. “You were fine. Although, if you wanted to play pool, you could have.” She cocked an eyebrow, and I knew I was busted.
“No distractions. No matter how shiny and pretty. After my year is up and I finally graduate, I’m moving back to the city to find a job and an apartment for my daughter and me.”
“Shame.” She tsked as she fell onto the bed. “Mr. Shiny and Pretty was looking back at you most of the night.”
“Was he?” My voice came out in an unfamiliar shriek, causing a bubble of laughter from Lisa.
“But, no distractions, right?” She winked as the corners of her mouth twitched. “Look, I get it. You want to get back home to Victoria. But, you could still have . . . a little fun. How long has it been?”
“Since what? Fun?” I let out a humorless laugh. “Let’s see, my daughter is eight, so add nine months to that. I can’t afford to screw up again,” I whispered, reminding myself more than Lisa.
“You won’t.” Lisa’s expression turned soft. “You are a great mom. You’re always speaking to Victoria, planning for her, saving for her. Is it so bad to plan for yourself, too?”
“I should plan to flirt with the hot stranger in the bar next time?” I rose from the bed and trudged into the bathroom.
“Yes. Plan something. For yourself. At this point, I think you’re out of excuses.”
I didn’t answer as I shut the door behind me. I guessed being scared shitless wasn’t an excuse.