Sara
“I DON’T BELIEVE you,” Drew scoffed as we strolled through the mall.
“I’m serious. When Josh found us, I ran away from him while covering Victoria’s face. I was a raving bitch. Mean, cruel, I even tortured my poor kid.”
Sure, spending Christmas and New Year’s at Josh and Brianna’s apartment wouldn’t be weird at all. Right. I tried to remember a conversation with Brianna that was longer than “hello” and some fact about Victoria either of us had to pass along before leaving her or picking her up. I came up with nothing. I searched for some kind of peace offering to bring to their home, but what do you buy for someone kind enough to let you stay in their house despite the hateful way you behaved from the moment you met? My search was fruitless and frustrating.
Drew squeezed my shoulders as I rummaged through the bath set display. A soft sigh fell from my lips, half frustration, half irritation at the tingles from whenever Drew touched me in such an intimate although innocent way. I guessed I should focus on one hopeless situation at a time.
“It was something new you had to get used to. Anyone would have reacted that way.”
I set down the bundle of gifts in my arms and leveled my eyes at Drew.
Sweet, clueless Drew.
“Would anyone have ripped child support checks in tiny pieces and mailed them back to her daughter’s father to prove a point? Would anyone have purposely bought recital tickets a row in front of theirs just so she wouldn’t have to see or speak to them during the show? Would anyone have screamed bloody murder at her daughter’s almost stepmother for taking her out for a day and buying her a toy and ripped it from her daughter’s hands before dragging her back home?”
Drew cringed and peered at me in disbelief.
“You did all that?” For the first time since we met, I rendered Drew speechless.
“See, even you can’t explain me out of this one.” I patted his cheek and laughed before snatching a random cellophane-covered package and praying for the best.
“If you don’t mind me asking, if you felt so strongly, why did you leave Victoria with them?”
I lifted my eyes to Drew’s. “That’s the thing. I didn’t hate them. I resented the shit out of them for being so perfect and good for her. They made me feel like the world’s worst parent. Granted, I helped that along,” I huffed. “For the first time in my life, it was as if I were competing for my daughter’s love—and losing. It terrified me.” I let out a sigh before I continued. “When Josh offered to take her, I knew I’d never get another opportunity like this. Not taking it and staying in our closet-sized apartment while continuing to struggle . . .” I dragged my hand down my face and shook my head.
“I would’ve spited the both of us for no reason other than my stupid pride. I’d made my girl suffer enough. She’s healthy, happy, and I now have some actual money to spend this Christmas and possible real job offers for the spring. All’s well that ends well, it’s . . .” I sucked in a breath through my nostrils. “I feel like there will never be enough crow to eat to make up for the awful way I was. They should make me sleep on the terrace.” I laughed as I made my way to the register.
I dragged Drew to the mall with me and tried not to think about how much I was going to miss him for two weeks. I’d miss Lisa, too, but I didn’t anticipate choking up when I said goodbye to her. Drew was the first real best friend I’d had since . . . maybe ever. Someone who really worried about me, who cared, it was something foreign to me—even now. I still didn’t know how to handle depending on or needing someone for anything, never mind the attraction between us that pulsed stronger as time went on.
“You’re not a bad parent, Sara. Stop beating yourself up. I’m sure it’s a weird situation.” He leaned on the counter, regarding me with understanding and sympathy I didn’t deserve. A laugh escaped me at the sincere crease in his brow.
“You’re doing it again.” I bumped his shoulder with mine.
“Well, I won’t apologize for it. I’ll defend you to anyone. Including yourself.” He gave me a crooked grin that made my heart skip a beat. It’d been missing a lot of beats thanks to Andrew Kostas lately.
“What would you say about a Christmas dinner on Friday?” Drew asked as we strolled into the parking lot. I hesitated for a beat before continuing onto my car and unlocking the door.
“Yeah . . . sure. I’m off after tomorrow.” I fiddled with my keys, not grasping why nerves overtook my body. We’d had countless breakfasts and cups of coffee; why did dinner strike such an internal chord of fear?
“Hey.” He squeezed my shoulder. “I said dinner. A friendly dinner. Not a date. You can let the blood stop draining out of your face now.”
I nodded, unable to even repeat the word “date.” The thought of a date with Drew made the air drain from my lungs and dampened my palms, but I couldn’t do it. I had my reasons—reasons I struggled to remember when we were together. Lisa and Emma still asked almost daily if I’d “peaked” with Drew yet.
“Sure. Dinner sounds great. I leave on Saturday morning, so we couldn’t stay out that long . . .”
“That’s fine. Oh, I forgot to tell you. I’m heading to Astoria after all.” The smile faded from his lips. “My dad decided to come home for Christmas and asked if I’d come.”
“So, you’ll be in Queens making uncomfortable conversation, too?”
“You know it,” he snickered. “Let’s make a pact to call each other if we need an out.”
“Deal.” Knowing he’d be so close brought me an odd sense of relief, but I felt uneasy introducing him to Victoria. She would love Drew, and I would love for her to meet him, but she didn’t need to get unnecessarily attached. Bad enough I was, but I could turn it off if I had to. I thought. I hoped. My real problem was that I didn’t want to—but I’d eventually have no choice.