Brianna ~ Thirteen years later
ME: I’m outside. Either come downstairs or I ring the bell.
NOTHING SET A person up for rejection like showing up unannounced. But if I’d texted before my arrival I’d get no response, so why should I have bothered? I was a hell of a lot braver on the short walk up the block from my house, all sorts of emotions fueling every step I took until I sprinted the last few feet.
I planted myself on his bottom step until I heard the creak of the screen door opening.
“Brianna, just go,” Josh snapped as he glared at me from his front door.
I glared right back as I leveled my gaze. “No. I won’t ‘just go.’ After all these years, I deserve something. ‘Thanks for sticking by me.’ ‘Goodbye.’ ‘Go fuck yourself.’ We’ve been best friends since kindergarten and you’re leaving for boot camp—or so I heard—tomorrow. Respect me at least that much, won’t you?”
Josh raked his hands over his face. “I’m doing you a favor.”
I stepped back and shook my head. “A favor? Throwing me aside like I’m no one is a favor? You’re real generous, Falco.” I folded my arms over my heaving chest.
His jaw clenched as he trudged down the stairs. He stomped through his days with an ever-present chip on his shoulder, but the sour expression he gave everyone else couldn’t fool me. I saw beyond the hardened edges and malice that he did his best to put forth to everyone else. With me, he was just Josh. My best friend. The best friend who was leaving me forever without a word.
“What about finishing high school? You can’t just leave!” But, in reality, he’d left a long time ago. He hadn’t been to school in three weeks and his locker was cleared out as if he was never coming back. Even before that, I hadn’t seen my Josh in months. The angry jerk who stood in front of me wasn’t my best friend, but I couldn’t stop hoping that he was still in there somewhere.
“I did finish high school. Got my GED today.” He stuffed his hands into his pockets and gave me an annoyed shrug as if it was no big deal at all. Maybe to him, it wasn’t. I was the only one devastated in our now one-sided friendship.
“Why didn’t you just stay to finish like the rest of us? What’s the rush?” My voice shrieked as panic filtered through my system.
“I had one choice.” He let out a long sigh. “Uncle Billy was able to get his old military buddy to agree to let me enlist as long as I got my GED and I tested clean. They both spoke to the judge for me, and he agreed, since I didn’t have a record. You know it’s better this way.” The glare in his eyes softened for only a moment when his gaze met mine.
“Better this way? How could you say that?”
“I’m poison, Brianna,” Josh whispered. “Just admit it.”
“Stop saying that!”
He ran his hands over his newly-shaved head. Gone were the black curls that fell over his face, the ones I had dreams of running my fingers through when he kissed me.
“This is your chance. I’m not your burden anymore. You’re free of me, Cupcake. Finally.”
“Free of you? Are you serious?” My shaking hands balled into fists at my sides. I was losing him for good, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
I never wanted to be “free” of Josh. I loved him. Not just as my best friend. I loved him with my entire heart and soul, and now I was about to lose the little part of him that always belonged to only me since we were kids. I knew his loves, his fears, and why he’d been in a downward spiral that was now accelerating beyond his control. I was the only one he cried to in rare moments of weakness, and the only one he laughed with on the few occasions he let his guard down. I never tried to save him, but I wouldn’t leave him. How could I? He was everything to me.
Josh’s eyes met mine but then darted to the ground. “They searched my locker. It was this or jail.”
“For weed? That’s stupid—”
He bit his lip and looked everywhere but in my direction. “There was Molly in there, too.”
My mouth fell open as I took a step back. “Why would you . . .”
He cocked his head as he shoved his hands into his pockets. “Don’t look at me like that, Bri. You know I don’t use that shit. Gio told me I could get a lot more for the hard stuff, and the old man is too behind on the mortgage. It was this or move into the Y.”
“But your dad was supposed to get disability checks. Couldn’t he—”
“No, Bri,” he clipped. “Even when they start coming in, it won’t be enough. We’re too behind, so either we pay or the bank forecloses on the house.” Josh sold drugs to help pay the bills. He hid it from me for months, but I knew. This was it. Devastation seeped into my veins. How was I supposed to function without Josh? Sure, he kept his distance from me more and more, but even when we weren’t together, we were. I couldn’t explain it. I felt his presence around me. We used to joke that we had a best friends’ spidey-sense. When did the bond between us turn into a curse?
“What about rehab or something—?” My desperate brain tried to come up with a solution—any solution. I was about to run inside and beg my parents to take him in—anything to make him stay.
“I’m eighteen. All of those places are off the table. It’s done, Brianna. Let it go.”
Let it go? Let Josh go? I didn’t know how to do that.
I took in a deep breath and gazed at him. If he wanted to keep the asshole mask on until he left, I’d let him. I knew who was really behind it, no matter how much he huffed and sneered at me.
“So, you aren’t even going to call me?” I crossed my arms and inched closer.
“I doubt I can have a phone at boot camp.” Josh spit his words at me, but didn’t back away.
“Then write me. You know, once they let you hold sharp objects again.”
Josh looked away, but not before I caught the hint of a smile. “Still looking to torture me with more writing.”
“Maybe.” A sad smile curved my lips. “You know you want to see how my book ends. Remember that summer I stayed at my grandparents’ upstate and we wrote every week? You probably couldn’t write every week, but maybe sometimes . . .”
I hated leaving Josh that summer, and he knew it. When I received that first letter in the mail, I ran my finger along the grooves his handwriting made into the paper and pretended that he wasn’t three hours away. I was overjoyed to still have a piece of him with me. I was as pathetic now as I was back then, but I still had to try.
I kissed his cheek and let out a long sigh as everything about him filled my senses. I took in his strong jaw, just inches away from his full lips. He was my beautiful, troubled boy. I cupped his cheek and noted his sharp gasp as my hand drifted down his face. He bit his lip as his gaze softened. Our eyes locked as he tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. The air between us was heavy with love and regret. For one brief second, Josh allowed the fear and the hurt he buried deep inside to flash on his beautiful face. He opened his mouth as if he was about to say something, but it closed and flattened to a hard line. He planted a quick kiss on my forehead before he jerked away.
“Look, I have to go.” He turned to walk back up his steps. I zoned in on the back of his head, and did my damnedest to pretend I’d see him tomorrow. I tried with everything I had not to feel the finality and sadness that grew with every step he took toward his door. Even though he was still in my line of sight, the distance between us was already miles wide. He reached for his screen door and stilled.
“Do us both a favor,” he called to me without turning around. “Just move on. Go to prom, go to college, have a good life without me around to ruin it for you.” He craned his head, the hard edges of his face softening for a moment as his eyes met mine.
“Forget about me, Cupcake.”