Sara
BY THE TIME the sun rose on Christmas Eve, I was already awake for two hours. Baking was done, lasagna was finished and ready for the oven, French Toast Casserole prepped and ready for tomorrow morning. The kitchen was the only place I ever found peace, but my turbulent mind wouldn’t give me any.
My parents and I never got along, even before I became pregnant with Victoria. My father worked long hours and couldn’t be bothered with any of us, and my mother took her frustrations out on me. Nothing was good enough; my grades, my hair, my choice of school—nothing. I was happy to live in a dirt-cheap studio apartment and dine on Ramen noodles every night when I first started culinary school. Still, I came back once in a while, mainly for my sister. And, as pathetic as it was, even though my parents starved me for love my entire life, I still craved it. I’d think, maybe they’ll see my grades and be proud or maybe be impressed with all I was learning—learning on my own dime, too, thank you very much. It was never any use. I’d leave their house close to tears but would will them back in my eyes. I would never let them make me cry.
When I had my own daughter, I vowed she’d only get the best from me. My best for the first eight years of her life was less than stellar, but I gave her all I had and always thought of her first. I praised everything she did and told her I loved her multiple times per day. As someone in her thirties and all kinds of fucked up from being denied something so simple from my family, I made sure that even though my daughter had to go without on many things, she never had to question whether or not she was loved.
Denise ran through my mind a lot. I pictured what she looked like now, if she still had that crazy, curly hair that she could never tame. When I told my family I was pregnant, they threw me out and told me I was never welcome back or allowed to speak to my sister. She was too young to have a cell phone to text, and I knew better than to try to call the house. She was about twenty now—an adult. Maybe that’s why she was reaching out? I shrugged to myself as I made a pot of coffee.
The buzz of my phone across the counter snatched me from my tortured musings.
“I could be sleeping,” I snapped as I leaned against the sink, smiling despite myself.
“But I knew you wouldn’t be. Talk to me. It’s been a long and lonely drive.” Drew’s voice made me almost forget. Having him close by soothed me even if I wouldn’t admit it out loud.
“I know, I made the same drive a couple of days ago. Is your dad there already?”
“I doubt it,” he snickered. “It’s always a crap shoot if he’ll show up at all. I have other family that I want to see. Either way, it’ll be worth it.”
“You never talk about him much. That’s probably because my issues monopolize all our conversations.”
“That’s not true. There’s not much to say, Sara. My dad never grew up. I spent a lot of time as a kid disappointed over some broken promise he’d made. As I got older, the disappointment became resentment which graduated to indifference. The end. See? Short story.”
“You can’t be that indifferent if you’re driving four hours to see him.” I was met with a long silence, unusual for Drew.
“Well, I guess the kid in me is hopeful. Like this will be the time he’ll come through and show he gives a shit about me. I suppose I’ll never lose that completely.”
I nodded but stayed silent. I was familiar with wasted hope. Each year I’d hope my parents would see Victoria’s Christmas picture and contact me. I’d allow myself until New Year’s before I’d give up. Unlike Drew, I couldn’t say I was indifferent. The resentment was fresh and never faded.
“Yeah, I hear you,” I sighed into the phone.
“Did you text your sister?”
“No, and she texted again last night. I feel horrible because she has nothing to do with how my parents treated me, but . . .” I couldn’t complete that thought. I wanted to see her so badly it ached, but the fear over another rejection from my parents paralyzed me. “Makes me awful, doesn’t it?”
“No, Caldwell. You aren’t the awful person in this situation. They are.”
I smiled and shook my head. “You always know the right thing to say.”
“I just speak the truth. Things going okay with Josh and his wife?”
“Yes, and no.” I exhaled a long breath and cupped my forehead. “I found out I was even meaner than I thought. And they’re way too fucking nice about it.”
“You aren’t mean. Don’t make me come there and straighten you out.”
I coughed out a laugh. “I think you’d even agree with me on this one.”
“No, I wouldn’t.” His tone hardened. “Because I see you for who you are. And you’re so much more than you ever give yourself credit for.” I fought the urge to melt against the counter from the resolute sincerity of his words.
“Drive safe, okay?”
“I will. Merry Christmas Eve, Caldwell.”
A large grin split my mouth. “You too, Kostas.” I ended the call and drifted my thumb down the screen. Foolish, wonderful Drew. I fought hard to not let myself fall in love with him, but I feared I already lost that battle.
“Good morning,” Brianna yawned from behind me.
“Good morning,” I replied, a little wary. She was hurting, and I, although unknowingly, poured a fresh stream of salt on her open wound twice. How did this woman not despise me? She had countless reasons. Not only for the way I acted, but who I was—the woman who had a child with her husband, a child she couldn’t have.
“Wow,” she mused as she scanned the kitchen. “Look at all of this. What time did you wake up?”
“Nerves prevent me from sleeping late. I guess heading from shift to shift, I still have the inclination I have to be somewhere.” I let out a nervous laugh. “Everything is done for tonight.”
I offered a tense smile, studying her reaction as she slid into a seat at the table.
“You are a life saver. Thank you for making dinner for us. Cupcakes are done, right?” She gave me a genuine smile, but her eyes clouded with sadness.
“I’m . . . sorry.” I swallowed as Brianna regarded me with puzzled eyes.
Once she realized what I meant, her gaze fell to the coffee cup in her hand as she nodded. “You didn’t know. And I need to deal with this better than I do sometimes.” She exhaled a long breath as she shook her head. “Nothing to be sorry for.”
“Yes, there is. There’s a shit ton to be sorry for. You’ve shown my daughter nothing but love and I was too bitter and resentful to appreciate it. And if I had known . . .” I trailed off, scrambling to find the right words.
Brianna adjusted her long, blonde ponytail before turning to me with a raised brow. “You wouldn’t have pointed out how I wasn’t Victoria’s mother . . . if you knew I couldn’t be anyone’s mother.”
“How do you not hate me?” I couldn’t hold in my grimace.
“Again, you didn’t know. We came along and although we never meant to get in between you and Victoria, I could see why you resented us. I don’t know how you did it alone for so long.”
“I wonder that myself.” A real laugh fell from my lips.
“And, if I’m honest, I am a little jealous of you. You have something I don’t with Josh, and never will. Even if we try another way and succeed, it won’t be the same.” She bit her lip and looked away. “It’s a bitter pill to swallow sometimes.”
I took the chair next to her at the table. “It would be a tragedy for you not to be anyone’s mother. Victoria loves you. Why I used to kind of hate you.”
Her head jerked up and we shared a chuckle. “I don’t hate you, Sara. Not then, and not now. It makes me happy we’re able to be friends and give Victoria a great Christmas.”
“Me too.” My lips curved into a smile. “Thanks for not making me sleep on the porch.”
She giggled and dropped her hand to my forearm. “Thanks for making us dinner.”
“Morning,” Josh muttered as he stumbled into the kitchen, pressing a kiss to the back of Brianna’s head before making his way to the coffeepot.
“Isn’t it like the butt crack of dawn? I know why I’m up this early.” He squinted at us as he took a sip of coffee. “No clue why the two of you are.”
“I had nervous energy, so I finished prepping dinner for later and finished baking. Well, I’ll be finished when Victoria wakes up and ices the cupcakes.”
“She needs to be in bed early tonight.” Josh nodded to her room down the hallway. “I have that bike to put together. It’s too big to hide.”
“Are you going to be able to do that in one night?”
Josh answered me with a cocky grin. “I can do it in an hour. It’s what I do all day. This one doesn’t have an engine so maybe forty minutes.” He snickered before putting the empty mug in the sink.
“I have some last-minute gifts to get.” Brianna downed the rest of her coffee. “I want to get to the mall when it opens.”
“On Christmas Eve?” I shrieked.
“Some things I can’t hide either.” She winked at me before rising from the chair. She gave Josh a quick kiss on the lips before rushing out of the kitchen.
I leaned my elbows on the table and swiveled my head. “You got really lucky finding someone like Brianna.”
“And fuck, don’t I know it.” He chuckled as he ambled over to the table.
“She’s so damn understanding. She’s almost not even—”
“Real? That crossed my mind more times than I could ever count, and you don’t even know the half of it. All I put her through when we were kids.” His eyes went vacant for a quick moment. “Anyway, I’m glad you guys are getting along. And we can all make Christmas nice for our kid this year.”
I smiled until my eyes landed on my phone. I stared at Denise’s text most of the morning but still hadn’t decided if I was texting her back. “This is definitely shaping up to be her best Christmas so far.”
“I better get going. Shop is closing early, but we have some deliveries and pickups.”
“People really buy motorcycles as Christmas presents?” I squinted at Josh.
“You’d be surprised. See you guys tonight.” He left the kitchen, and I was alone once again, tapping my finger, trying not to stare at the phone.
Denise had nothing to do with my parents cutting me off, as she was only a kid. I needed to move past the fear and get back the family I had left.
Snatching my phone before I lost my nerve, I pulled up Denise’s text and punched out a reply.
Me: Merry Christmas to you, too. I miss you. I’m in Queens until January 3. If you’d like to see me and meet your niece, let me know.
I meant it, all of it. I missed her so much and wanted her to finally meet Victoria. Maybe this was the holiday season for miracles.