Sara
“DO YOU HAVE your own room?” my daughter inquired from behind me. This was a new foray for us. Me in a driver’s seat and her strapped in the back seat—in a car. A car that was mine. For her entire life, I dragged Victoria on buses and subway trains. Sometimes we were offered rides, and on occasion, I’d splurge on a cab, but owning a car? Never in my wildest dreams. By some miracle, I remembered how to drive.
Mrs. Lillo gave me her son’s old car as a going away present since she planned on moving to South Carolina in a couple of months. She insisted I couldn’t ride the Amtrak all the way to Plattsburgh, and public transportation to and from school and work was hard to come by upstate. We shared a teary goodbye, but I promised to send her as many pictures and updates as I could. Everything was firmly in place for me to take back the dream I’d always wanted, but all I did was cry about it for the past three days.
“I have a roommate, so I have to share a room.” I tried my damnedest to keep my voice even. Everything revolved around Victoria, and I wasn’t sure how I’d handle being without her. I wouldn’t let myself think about it until I had to. Today . . . I had to.
“Is she nice?” She winced in the rearview mirror. My heart squeezed at the worry in her eyes.
I turned to her after I put the car in park and squeezed her hand.
“We talked on the phone. She’s very nice. Maybe when I call you later, I can introduce you.” My reply cracked at the end. There was no way I was making it out of the city without waterworks. I hoped I’d be able to hold them off until I drove away.
How was I going to do this? She was my baby. What kind of a mother leaves her baby? The urge to grab my phone and cancel everything was so overwhelming it choked me.
I stepped out of the car and fished her suitcase and bag of toys out of the trunk. The watery smile I forced as we strode to their outside door caused pain in my cheeks. Her hand clutched around mine as I rang their doorbell.
“Hey, Sweets!” Josh extended his inked arms as he gave our daughter a smile. Instead of running toward him like she always did, she burrowed into my side and dropped her gaze to the floor.
Biting my quivering lip, I gave Josh a shrug. He answered with a sad nod before crouching in front of her.
“I know you’re sad that your mom is leaving today, but she’s only a call away. You’ll talk to her every night and she’ll be here on Thanksgiving. And . . .” he leaned in and told her in a loud whisper, “Bri and I have been setting up your room all week. Want to come see?”
He held out his hand and quirked an eyebrow until she took it. Josh was tall with a broad muscular frame and covered head to toe in ink. He was almost unrecognizable compared to when I’d first met him. Then, he was a twenty-one-year-old soldier visiting for a weekend—only “passing through” as he’d said. Neither of us thought he’d leave a permanent souvenir behind. As big of a man as he was, he crumpled into a big teddy bear around his daughter. Her eyes stayed glued to mine as she followed her father inside.
“Hey, Vic!” Brianna rushed over to her and planted a quick kiss on her forehead. “You won’t believe all the Wonder Woman stuff we found. You even have your own desk!” She lifted her gaze to mine and gave me a half smile. “Hi, Sara.”
Her greeting was laced with genuine sympathy and concern. Brianna was effortlessly beautiful, with golden hair flowing down her back and warm, brown eyes. She had been the target of my rage since the day Josh came back into our lives. She never returned any of the venom I spewed in her direction, and even back then, I knew deep down she didn’t deserve it. My hatred evolved into tolerance, but lately the strongest emotion I’d felt toward her was gratitude. Josh somehow found the most forgiving and understanding woman on the planet to not only stay by his side after she learned he had a surprise kid, but to love his child without the slightest bit of resentment.
I had a difficult time allowing a second strong mother figure in my daughter’s life. But now, I supposed, she’d be the first mother until the year ended. My gut twisted at the thought, but even though I wouldn’t be here, Victoria would have all the love and care I’d ever want for her while I did something for us and our future.
This was only a year. I repeated the word “temporary” a thousand times in my head since awakening. One year. Two semesters. I could do this. All I had to do was kiss her goodbye and hit the road.
But how?
I followed all of them into her bedroom. They’d only just moved in but prepared for Victoria’s arrival quickly. My mouth fell open as I looked around the room. Her new bedroom was bigger than our old living room was, with Wonder Woman curtains and bedding, an adorable desk in the corner, and shelves that I was sure would be filled with toys and books the next time I came back. A lump formed in my throat so large it became difficult to breathe.
I took in a quick breath through my nostrils and knelt before my daughter. She didn’t seem to notice the details of her amazing room, her eyes searching mine instead. I cupped her cheek and planted a kiss to her forehead.
“This is an awesome room. You should thank Josh and Brianna for working so hard.” I lifted my head and gave them both a tight smile. A stopwatch ticked in my head. I was running out of time before I had a full breakdown and needed to make a quick exit. “Listen to your father . . . and Brianna. Be the good girl I know you are. I love you and I’ll call you when I get there.”
She flung her arms around me and buried her face into my neck. Her tears dampened my shirt and tore my heart in half.
“I love you, too,” she whispered in my ear.
“Hey,” Brianna crooned as she crouched next to us. “You’ll see your mom on FaceTime in a few hours. It’s okay.” She rubbed her back as Victoria nodded without turning around.
“I better get going.” I clutched her shoulders and eased her away. “Remember,” I kept my voice stern, trying not to collapse in sobs at the sight of her tearstained face. “Be good. I love you.”
My voice cracked on the last word I would be able to say before the sobs rolled through me. I gave Josh and Brianna a quick nod before standing and heading for their door. The car was close, I needed a minute to get outside and jump in. I stabbed the unlock button with my thumb and reached for the door handle before a hand cupped my shoulder.
“You need to do this.”
I nodded in response, keeping my gaze forward and not turning to Josh’s voice.
“For you, and for her.”
I craned my head just as my first tear escaped. “That’s a great room.”
Josh shrugged with a laugh. “I have a lot of time to make up for. I was happy to get the chance to do it. For both of you.”
I huffed as I turned around and leaned against the car door. “The two of you are always so fucking nice.” We shared a laugh before my smile faded. “I don’t deserve it.”
“Yes, you do. You took care of our girl—and now for the next year, it’s my turn.” He gave me a warm smile before he jutted his chin to the car. “Go. You have a long drive.”
“I do. Thank you, Josh.”
He waved me off before strolling back inside. I started the car and allowed myself to cry until the highway entrance. Josh was right. We deserved this.
I owed it to both of us to find the guts to see it all the way through.