Sara
THERE WAS NOTHING like waking up more exhausted than when you went to sleep. Christmas Eve drained me in every way possible. I laid on top of the air mattress, eyes wide open, since four o’clock. My weary mind replayed everything in full detail on a torturous repeat reel: my sister’s voice, my mother’s rejection, my kiss with Drew, my second kiss with Drew. I fought the urge to head into the living room and cuddle next to him on the couch for most of the night. I needed him and called for him. I never called for anyone, and my lack of hesitation scared the shit out of me.
I shouldn’t have given into my feelings for Drew for so many reasons. He said he didn’t care about our age difference, and I knew he meant it. Maybe it’s just seven years, but right now at this point in our lives, it was a pretty damn significant amount of time. He was in grad school, starting his life with a clean slate and bright future. I was in a much better place than I was and would graduate with a lot more options, but I had a past and baggage that put us in completely different places in life. I hated referring to my daughter as baggage, but she would always come first. I would never be as free as other women because I came as a package.
But, despite still feeling it was wrong, I didn’t regret kissing Drew. During all those hours awake, I tried to reason away my loss of inhibitions as a knee-jerk reaction of digging up old family wounds. Maybe that pushed me, but I wasn’t simply seeking comfort. I’d denied myself love for so many years because they made me believe I didn’t deserve it. I missed out on so much in life, partially because of being a parent, but more because I never felt lovable. Drew made me feel lovable and sexy and wanted. Standing in the street in the middle of a snowstorm, I gave in with a kiss—and I didn’t want to stop.
Careful not to wake Victoria, even though she’d be up any minute now, I crept out of bed and tiptoed into the hallway. I made my way into the kitchen, inching the refrigerator door open to grab the French Toast Casserole and pop it into the oven. I winced at the creak of the oven door as I shoved it in. As I waited for the oven to beep before I set the timer, I peered out the window behind the sink. Flurries still blew over the mounds of fresh snow, still white and pretty before the air got to it and it turned gray and dirty. Maybe it was a magical white Christmas after all.
I jumped when a strong hand splayed across my stomach and pulled me back.
“Merry Christmas,” Drew whispered in my ear before smoothing my hair to the side. He feathered soft kisses over the nape of my neck, my body going limp against him like a rag doll.
“Merry Christmas to you, too,” I replied in a hoarse whisper. I felt his smile against my skin as he looped his arms around me.
“How long do we have until everyone wakes up?” His lips dove into my neck, and it took everything I had not to loll my head to the side to give him more access.
“Not long enough.” I elbowed his stomach and he dropped his head to my shoulder with a groan.
I laughed as I craned my head. “I’m glad you’re here.” A slow grin stretched my cheeks as I took in the sight of him. His dark hair spiked in all different directions, his dark eyes still heavy with sleep. He was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.
“Me too.” He kissed my cheek. “The couch was pretty comfortable. I’ll deal with my family later.”
“They’re mad?” I winced as I turned around. “I’m so sorry—”
“Stop.” He pressed a finger to my lips. “I called my aunt last night just to let her know I was staying over and I’d see them later. There was no way I wasn’t coming here last night. They aren’t mad, but I wouldn’t give a shit if they were.” He shrugged and pulled me closer. “You’re sexy in the morning.”
I huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, right.” I smoothed down the wisps of hair from my matted ponytail, now self-conscious under the weight of his stare. “I’m a mess in the morning.”
He shook his head as he slipped the rubber band out of my hair. My eyelids fluttered as his fingers threaded through the tangled strands. Drew’s lips curved into a small smile as his eyes locked with mine.
“Fucking gorgeous,” he rasped. “Always gorgeous.” My eyes zeroed in on his lips, now tempered with another day’s worth of stubble. We inched toward each other like magnets, my lips aching for his. I couldn’t stop this if I wanted to. And I didn’t—and wasn’t. Was this being brave or reckless?
“Mommy!” A frustrated groan fell from my lips as Victoria charged into the kitchen. Drew’s shoulders slumped as he laughed, mouthing “next time” to me before he stepped aside and let Victoria tackle me with a hug.
“I don’t ever remember you sleeping this late on Christmas morning.” I kissed her forehead and pulled her to me. “Merry Christmas, baby.”
“This is late?” Drew scoffed as his eyes widened.
“The sun is up. Or almost. Usually Victoria first tries to check if Santa came around three or so.”
She lifted her head and giggled. “Can I look now? Please?” She folded her hands under her chin and bounced. Her excitement caused a pang I couldn’t identify deep in my gut. I always made sure she had a pile under the tree, but it was a small pile. I was able to afford a little more this year with all the overtime I’d worked at the restaurant, but now that she had Josh and Brianna, I was sure she had a mountain of gifts awaiting her. Ever since Josh mentioned he bought her a bike, I’d been prepping myself to look thrilled for her when she saw it, not jealous as all hell he beat me to it.
“There’s a big stack of presents in the living room,” Josh’s voice drifted in from the hallway. He raised an eyebrow at Victoria with Brianna beaming behind him. Victoria let go of my waist and gasped.
“A big stack?”
“Huge.” Josh nodded slowly. “Unless you want to eat breakfast first, because we can if—”
Victoria dashed out of the kitchen and almost made it past her father. He lifted her up and planted a loud kiss on her cheek. “Merry Christmas, Sweets. Santa left you a lot, but there’s one big present from all three of us.”
My head whipped to Josh as he put Victoria down and she raced into the living room.
“The bike is from all of us. I guess I forgot to mention that.” He smiled as he took in the confused slack in my jaw.
“Josh . . .” Now, instead of resentful, I was embarrassed. Again, had it been the other way around, I never would have put all our names on a big gift if it was just from me. Since I dropped Victoria off, I always felt like I had something to prove—to them, to her, and to myself. Keeping her clothed and fed didn’t have the same impact to a child as a new bike on Christmas morning—and Josh knew that. A shame-filled lump formed in my throat.
“You didn’t need to do that—” Josh lifted his hand up, cutting me off.
“The big stuff should come from both of us, since she has both of us now.”
I took in a quick breath through my nostrils and nodded. Last night’s emotional roller coaster made the tears all too eager to come back. “She has all three of us.” My eyes drifted to Brianna.
“Thank you, Sara.” A slow smile lifted her cheeks and almost made it to her eyes. Life wasn’t as easy for her as I’d always assumed, and this Christmas she had her own disappointments to deal with. We both shared a bright spot in Victoria today.
“Yes, she does.” Josh pulled her by the hand toward the living room.
“I’m going to go.” Drew kissed my shoulder as he shrugged on his jacket.
“Why? It’s still snowing, and we didn’t even have breakfast yet.” My pleading sounded foreign to my own ears, but I didn’t want him to go yet.
He shook his head and snaked his arms around my waist. “You should have Christmas alone with her—with them. Get used to the new dynamic without the layer of anger.” I jabbed him in the side as he snickered. “How about lunch tomorrow, and my cousin’s party on New Year’s Eve? They have some kids Victoria’s age. Think about it.” His lips found my forehead and lingered for a long kiss.
“I don’t have to think about it. Yes, we’d love to.” He replied with a wide smile. I agreed to more than just lunch and a New Year’s party, and the gleam in Drew’s eyes confirmed he knew what I meant. No more denying and no more stalling. I wanted Drew enough to push the what ifs and insecurities aside and try. “Victoria is going to be mad you gave her the slip.”
“I’ll wave goodbye. She’ll be knee-deep in presents, so I’m sure she won’t notice.” Drew’s hand cupped my neck before he pulled me in for a quick but savage kiss. Drew was always gentle, but his kisses were rough. He had me panting and wet from just his mouth on mine. I shivered imagining what else he could do to me when he had more time.
“Merry Christmas, Drew,” I breathed as he pulled away, nipping my bottom lip before stepping back.
“Merry Christmas, Sara. And I take back what I said last week.” His hand feathered down my cheek. “You . . . like this . . . this is my best Christmas gift.”
I fought the twitch of a smile and rolled my eyes. “You’re relentless.”
He pulled me flush to his body and shook his head. “Baby, you haven’t seen anything yet. When I get you alone . . .” His voice dipped low as he backed away. “Then you’ll know what relentless is.”