Gaby knew it was late by the angle of the sun through her room. She and Will spent much of the night trying to make up for lost time and now it was past the hour when she should have been up and about in the fields. Past the time when Will should have been out in the yard, calling for Len, carrying his coffee and crunching on the last of his toast. She’d fallen asleep last, wondering what to do, and woken first, having made her decision. She carefully extricated herself from his arms and managed to dress without waking him.
He opened one eye and blinked in the light. ‘Gaby?’
Her smile was small and fleeting. She knew he’d stir eventually and was surprised that he’d taken this long, given the noise she’d made while she was emptying the drawers.
‘What are you doing?’
Seconds were all it took him to see her, and the packed bags at her feet.
‘Shit. No. Why now? What have I done?’
He jumped out of bed. Still rumpled and gloriously naked. Gaby felt a wrench of misery like someone had placed a vice around her heart and turned it harder and harder.
‘It’s better this way.’ Her voice faltered as she squeezed out the words.
‘Better for who? Fuck, why did I say those stupid things? Why did I have to ruin it all!’ He shoved his hands through his hair, spiking it. ‘Damn it. Why not wind it all back to before I said that crap?’
‘You don’t mean that. And it wasn’t crap.’
Will threw up his hands in despair. ‘But it was a disaster. Can we just forget it?’
‘I’d like to, believe me …’ She held him, instantly worrying she might not be able to let him go again. ‘But that’s not what you want. I told you that I have to leave.’
‘And I have to stay here. I have responsibilities. I owe it to the farm and all the work we put in. It would break Mum’s heart if I quit. She went to pieces after Dad left. It nearly finished her and if I leave, Jess would have to shoulder all the burden herself.’
‘That’s why I’m going now before I can’t leave and you start to hate me for making you feel as if you should leave.’ She told herself she was trying to be strong, she’d made her decision and it was for the best all round even if it felt wrong.
He held her by the shoulders. ‘I want to be with you. I can’t imagine life without you,’ he sighed, ‘but my life is here and yours is wherever you need to go. I know you want to explore what’s out there in the world. So do I, but we can’t always have what we want.’
‘I wanted Stevie to get better and I’d have done anything, but that was impossible. You seeing the world isn’t and while I want you to come with me so much it hurts, I care too much about you to make you leave your family and the farm. It’s your life – how can I take that away from you by issuing an ultimatum? It has to be your decision.’
‘And that’s why I won’t ask you to stay,’ said Will. ‘This – you leaving – is why I tried so hard until yesterday not to even get involved. Not because I didn’t want you to stay, because of how much I did. After that kiss in the shelter, I thought – hoped – that you felt something for me, but I was afraid that if I started something, I didn’t know how I could end it. I’ve seen how miserable Jess has been because of Adam and I guess I couldn’t face that.’
Gaby was sick with misery. ‘I’ve been thinking. I can come back here. Some time. In a year maybe …’
‘A year! I don’t think I can survive the wait.’ He kissed her and she realised she was crying. His arms felt so safe and tempting and solid, but she backed away and picked up her bags.
‘There’s an early boat. I have to go.’
He shook his head and grabbed his jeans from the floor. ‘I’ll come with you to the jetty.’ He struggled into them.
‘Please. No. No goodbyes. You go into the fields or the packing shed and let me walk away, just as if it’s a normal day. I can’t face a goodbye again.’
‘Because of Stevie …?’ he asked.
‘Not only him.’ She could hardly get the words out. ‘See you, then, boss.’
‘Yeah. I’ll get some Earl Grey in,’ he muttered. ‘For when you come back.’ His words were laced with a bitter despair that made Gaby’s heart crack in two.
‘I’ll hold you to that.’ And with that she walked out, forcing her eyes to focus on the walls, the corridor, anything but what she’d left behind her.
On her way out, she walked past the door to the kitchen where Natalia and a few of the others were filling flasks with coffee. A sob caught in her throat and Natalia must have heard or seen her, and rushed to the door. The others looked at her as Natalia asked if everything was OK.
‘Fine,’ said Gaby but carried on walking. No goodbyes. No long agonising decision-making, no time to dread the inevitable or change her mind again and again and go over and over the decision she’d helped her family make to end Stevie’s life. Just a quick clean break and off to pastures new …
She wanted to turn around. Every bone in her body, every sinew told her to go back and run to Will, but somehow, she forced her eyes to focus on the driveway and the farm gate and her feet to keep on moving towards them. The latch on the gate felt like lead, but she opened it and kept her eyes down while she closed it behind her. Tears poured down her cheeks as she hurried down the road towards the jetty, her backpack propelling her onwards, further and further away from the farm.
A small voice kept nagging at her. Was she leaving to honour Stevie’s memory or had his loss affected her more profoundly than she’d thought? Was she really afraid of admitting she felt the same way about Will as he did about her – and losing him too if it didn’t work out? Too late now. She couldn’t agonise any more. Her decision had been made and she had to stick to it.