‘Coffee?’
Jess blinked awake to find Luca next to the bed, with a fluffy white towel draped low around his hips, and bearing two mugs of coffee. The morning sun highlighted his nut-brown skin. Tiny droplets of water glistened in the springy hair around his nipples and in the trail that arrowed from his navel beneath the towel.
‘Oh, thanks.’ She pushed herself up onto the pillows, trying to keep the duvet above her own nipples, all too aware she was naked under the cover. The blinds were still open from where they’d had sex in the moonlight and although no one could see into the room – apart from the seals – it felt strange to be naked in the full glare of day.
Luca handed her the mug and sat on the edge of the bed. ‘Sorry, I can’t stay for breakfast with you. I’ve an early meeting with Hugo.’
‘Breakfast? Oh my God, what time is it?’ A drop of coffee spilled from the mug and splashed onto the white duvet cover. ‘Sorry.’
He smiled. ‘Relax. Housekeeping will clear that up and, anyway, it’s only half past seven.’
‘Half seven? I should be at the farm by now. Will wants me to help with the bulb replanting.’
‘Surely he knew you’d be a bit late after your night here? It is Sunday.’
‘Well, I didn’t exactly spell out the details of my plans for him, but I guess you’re right.’
Jess hadn’t spelt out anything at all to Will because she hadn’t decided one hundred per cent to stay over until she’d got on the boat after her confrontation with Adam. As for sleeping with Luca … that had been a decision she’d held off until right until she was certain he hadn’t expected her to be a sure thing. Now, with him smiling contentedly by her side, like a cat that had got the cream, she wasn’t convinced she really had been in control, only that he’d carefully managed the situation – and her – until she’d thought she was making all the running.
Oh God, did it really matter? She’d enjoyed her evening and what had followed.
As the heat stole into her cheeks, she hoped Luca would put it down to the searing coffee. She tried not to wince as she sipped hers. It might be Italian and authentic, but it was also strong enough to strip the enamel off her teeth.
Luca asked her a little more about what her day held, during which the duvet slipped down. It was odd having a conversation about uprooting bulbs and tractor maintenance while you had nothing on, she thought, while trying to appear as if she did that sort of thing every day.
Luca put his mug on the dressing table. He kissed her and sighed. ‘Unfortunately I need to get dressed now. I can call the jet boat for you, when you’re ready?’
‘No. Don’t worry, I’ll catch the scheduled morning boat.’
‘If you’re sure.’
‘Yes, thanks.’
He turned away to open a drawer opposite the bed and dropped the towel from his hips onto the floor. His very fit bum – almost as tanned as the rest of him – was feet from Jess’s face. She gulped the coffee. It had been one thing being naked in the dark with Luca, but in the cold light of day, his nudity – and hers – brought the memories of what they’d done together back in Technicolor detail. Nothing weird … Luca had been considerate, but he’d also been very energetic and quite creative. She sank back against the pillows and closed her eyes, holding her mug with both hands.
‘OK?’
She opened her eyes a slit. He was now wearing a pair of tight-fitting Armani boxers and shrugging on a snowy white shirt. Will’s comment came back to her: if he was an ice cream he’d lick himself to death. She breathed out discreetly. That phrase would live in her mind forever now.
‘There’s juice in the fridge and some pastries ready to be warmed up in the oven. I’m gutted I have to leave you. Shall I call you later?’
‘That’d be good.’ She put her mug on the bedside table. His eyes lingered on her breasts.
Luca paused, halfway to buttoning up his shirt, and let out a breath of appreciation. ‘Wow. Maybe I should reschedule this meeting with Hugo. It is a Sunday after all, not that Hugo cares.’
‘Oh, don’t do that on my account,’ said Jess, burning under his scrutiny. The momentousness of what she’d done last night was dawning on her more every minute. Most women wouldn’t care but … surely, she could forgive herself for feeling a little disoriented after her first night with a new guy? Especially one like Luca Parisi.
Luca zipped up his suit trousers, gave a theatrical sigh and kissed her lips. He tasted of espresso and smelled of the same aftershave as last night. ‘I will call you,’ he said. ‘I hope you aren’t regretting what’s happened between us?’
‘Regret? No. No of course not.’
‘It’s a big step after you know who, but I’m very pleased you took it. I hope we can have some good times together while I’m in Scilly.’
While he was in Scilly. Another subtle but unmistakable hint that this was a temporary arrangement. That should have suited Jess. It did suit her and yet … Luca’s words had the whiff of a business transaction.
He took his jacket off a hanger in the wardrobe and picked up his sunglasses from the dressing table.
‘See you later, then. Ciao.’ He put his fingers to his lips and blew the kiss her way.
Then he was gone, humming a tune Jess didn’t recognise as he shut the door and left the cottage.
*
A little while later, Jess stepped off the morning boat at St Saviour’s quay. A few locals were on board too and she nodded politely but stayed largely huddled up in her coat, nursing her hangover and trying to process the previous evening.
If anyone gave her overnight bag more than a quick glance, she didn’t care. She’d also ignored two texts from Will, asking if she was OK, but replied to one from Maisie enquiring how it went with a winking smiley and a ‘wow’ face.
She’d changed back into her jeans, boots and coat after Luca had gone, an action that had added to the feeling that the whole evening had been an hallucination or that a different woman than ‘Jess Godrevy: flower farmer’ had had hot and steamy sex with an Italian businessman last night.
She walked along the quay, rehearsing what she’d say to her mother who was bound to give her the third degree and texting a quick answer to Will, at last, saying she was on her way up to the farm and was fine.
The handful of locals who’d disembarked at the same time had walked the opposite way to the small village that served as St Saviour’s main ‘town’. Jess was alone as she meandered along, texting with one hand, her bag over the crook of her arm. She needed to get back to work, but a few minutes of extra breathing space wouldn’t do any harm and it would give her a chance to compose herself.
She decided to take the beach route but hadn’t got more than a few yards when she spotted Emmy running over the sand in her direction. A bucket swung in one hand, a spade flailed in the other.
Keri and Adam were behind, chatting to each other.
Jess’s heart thumped. The last thing she wanted was to speak to them, but she could hardly turn around and walk off. Why, why, why did he have to come across her now, fresh from Luca’s bed?
Emmy was only a few yards away and stopped suddenly. She poked at a gelatinous mass on the sand with her spade, then pulled a face and let out a cry of disgust. ‘Mum! There’s a jellyfish on the beach!’
Keri and Adam looked up and Adam saw her. Jess had no choice but to stop.
The jellyfish was iridescent bluey green with long tentacles that sparkled in the sun. Emmy leaned down and poked it with her spade. ‘Eww.’
‘Don’t touch it,’ said Jess hastily. ‘It’s dead but those tentacles could still pack a mighty sting.’
Emmy jumped back. She really did have Adam’s features and his curly hair.
Keri jogged over, with Adam close behind.
‘Leave the wee creature alone,’ said Keri, glancing up at Jess with a smile. ‘You haven’t touched it, have you?’ she asked her daughter.
‘No,’ replied Jess, ‘but I thought I ought to warn her because it’s no ordinary jellyfish. It’s a Portuguese man o’ war.’
‘Oh my God. Is it still dangerous?’
Adam cut in, ‘Not if it’s left alone.’
‘It’ll have washed up in the last storm, but it can still deliver a painful sting,’ said Jess, deciding not to frighten Emmy by saying that a small dog had died after getting tangled in one earlier in the year.
Emmy kept a safe distance from the creature. ‘What’s a Portuguese man o’ war?’ she said.
‘A bloody big jellyfish you don’t want to mess with,’ said Keri, with a grimace. She had delicate features and her hair was scraped back off her face in a high ponytail. She wore Ugg-style boots that had sand clinging to them. She didn’t seem Adam’s type, Jess thought, but what did she know about him any more?
‘Do you live here?’ Keri asked as Emmy ran off to investigate some shells on the tideline.
Adam and Jess exchanged glances. Her heart beat faster.
‘Yes. I run the flower farm.’
‘Oh,’ said Keri and then her mouth opened wider. She looked at Adam. ‘My God. You’re the Jess.’
The Jess. What did that mean? Jess was dumb with shock.
‘Keri. This is Jess Godrevy. Jess, this is Keri,’ said Adam hastily. ‘Keri, do you mind if I have a word with Jess?’
‘No problem.’ Keri seemed relieved. ‘I wish he would talk to you, to be honest. Look, I’ll take Emmy back to the cottage so you can have a chat.’ Keri smiled at Jess sympathetically, but Jess’s emotions lurched all over the place: what the hell was going on? Did Keri want Adam to tell her about their relationship – if so she had a very direct way of going about it.
‘I’m not sure we’ve anything to talk about,’ she said as neutrally as she could, while seething inside.
Keri shook her head. ‘Adam. You have to tell her. Nice to meet you, Jess. Maybe I’ll see you later. Emmy!’
Keri jogged to Emmy, leaving Jess and Adam alone.
Nice to meet her? What kind of comment was that?
‘What does she mean, have to tell me?’ Jess demanded as soon as Keri was gone.
‘Don’t worry. I’m not going to ask you to come back to me,’ he said bitterly.
Something snapped. ‘Good, because I wouldn’t. After what you did to me.’
Adam visibly winced as if she’d slapped him. Jess was reeling. How had it come to this? How had it come to the point where she deliberately wanted to cause pain to the man she loved? Had loved. Wanted not to love or feel anything ever again and yet the way her whole body was shaking, she did feel for him. Hate and pity and love and longing surged through her, even more powerful for having been suppressed. What had been the point of last night if Adam still had the power to make her so angry and upset?
‘I – I can see how this looks. I don’t blame you, but you only know part of the story,’ he started.
‘What is the whole story, Adam? And if there’s a whole story, why didn’t you put it the letter?’ She wanted to hear what he had to say even though it would almost certainly cause her more pain.
‘I couldn’t. I can’t.’
‘Why not? What’s so mysterious? Tell me!’
‘It’s not mysterious. It’s – Jess, please understand me, I never meant to hurt you.’
‘Why did you turn up here with Keri and Emmy?’
‘Because …’ He stopped talking abruptly. ‘What’s the point?’
‘None at all. I need to get back to work.’ This was getting her nowhere. Adam seemed to want to get his confession off his chest but kept skirting around it. Was it a game to him or was he genuinely finding it impossible to tell her?
‘Wait. Whatever you’ve assumed about me, you should know that Keri’s not my partner, she’s my sister-in-law and Emmy’s my niece.’
Jess caught her breath. ‘I don’t understand. They can’t be. You don’t have a brother or any siblings … unless … are you trying to tell me you’re married to someone …?’
‘No. I’m not married. Not to Keri or anyone.’ He sighed. ‘Please. Walk down the beach with me?’
Jess glanced around her. People were gathering at the quay ready for the freight boat to call. It was only a matter of time before someone from the farm arrived with the first flower load of the day. The beach was deserted ahead of them. She steeled herself for whatever might be coming, however painful. ‘OK. I’m listening.’
They walked steadily and were soon out of sight of the quay as Adam began speaking. ‘I do have a brother, or I did. I had a half-brother called Blake, but he died last year. He was Keri’s husband and Emmy’s dad.’
Whatever Jess had been expecting to hear, this wasn’t it. She thought back to the first time she’d seen Emmy, holding tightly to her mum’s hand, asking if they were staying on Scilly for long. To the little girl running along with her bucket and spade. She was so young … Jess’s heart went out to her and to Adam for the loss of his brother. ‘Oh God, no. I’m so sorry for you both. That’s terrible and Emmy’s so young. She can’t be more than eight?’
‘She’s almost nine. She’s had a shit time, yes. She’s been through stuff no kid should have to go through and seen things no one should have to.’
‘I’m very sorry about your brother but I always thought you were an only child.’
‘So did I … This whole business really started the day I got the text …’
‘I knew it. You were so shocked. What did it say?’
‘A few weeks before, I’d been contacted by one of those heir hunting companies. They kept calling me and leaving messages saying I might have inherited some money. I thought it was a scam and ignored it.’
‘I remember you getting texts but I took no notice and you never mentioned what they were about.’
‘Because I thought they were just scam texts. But eventually I answered one of their calls by mistake and they said I was named in a legacy. I was angry they’d hassled me and I cut the call short but when I checked out the company later, I realised they might be genuine. I still didn’t say anything because I didn’t think their claims would amount to anything much. I phoned my dad and he couldn’t think of anyone who might have left me money except some distant cousin of Mum’s who’d emigrated to Canada years ago, but it wasn’t her …’
Adam paused and they stopped walking.
‘Things turned weird then. The company called again and said that I had people claiming to be my family who said I might be entitled to a substantial sum. They said that a man called Peter Garrison had died without leaving a will and I might be entitled to a share in his estate. I’d never heard of him and thought they were wrong or he was some long-lost uncle or cousin, but no, they said, Peter Garrison was my father. His own family had told them that I was his son, but I might not even know that – but they did.’
He had to stop and take a breath. Jess’s instinct was to reach out and comfort him, but she held back.
‘Go on,’ she said gently.
‘I said they must be wrong and were talking rubbish and my dad was my dad and I told them to fuck off, basically. I tried to forget about it, though it niggled at me, I didn’t want to ask Mum or Dad – how could I on the off chance it was true?’
‘I can see why you were shocked when you heard. If it was true, it meant that your mum had had an affair,’ said Jess.
‘And how could I come out and ask her that? I tried to ignore it, but then that text came. It was from Keri. She managed to get my number from a guy at the heir hunting company. The message said that her husband, my brother – my half-brother, Blake, had died recently and then …’
Adam clammed up, as if he was struggling with something.
‘I eventually agreed to meet Keri,’ he said. ‘I went back to Cumbria before Christmas as you know. I couldn’t bear anyone near me. It’s as if I wanted to crawl inside a cave like an animal and never come out. Deep down, I knew it was all true. Why would Keri lie to me? So, I confronted Mum at Christmas.’
‘Your poor mum. Did your dad know?’
‘Yes. He knew. Mum had had an affair while they were going through a bad patch when he was working away on the rigs. Peter Garrison was the deputy head from the school where she was a teaching assistant. He left straight after the affair ended and went back to his wife. She’d moved in with her sister in Scotland. Dad knew that I couldn’t possibly be his son, so Mum told him the truth and he stuck by her and brought me up as his own. They loved each other and didn’t want to hurt me by telling me.’
Jess was horrified by the pain in Adam’s face as he struggled to compose himself. She thought he was about to burst into tears and she’d never seen him cry. She touched his arm but withdrew it. She felt sorry for him but she didn’t understand why he hadn’t told her this at the time. Then again, he’d had a series of terrible shocks. Finding out he had a father and brother, losing them both. ‘Oh, Adam. I would have helped you if only you’d told me.’
‘I did try. After my real dad and then Blake passed away, I wasn’t thinking straight. I had a lot to deal with. You too. You were supporting Maisie while she got back on her feet and her father was poorly. I didn’t want to lay this on you.’
‘Maisie? I love her to bits, but I could have handled this too.’ Jess was puzzled, but Adam was right about one thing: he hadn’t been thinking straight and she could understand that much. ‘I’m sorry you lost your dad and Blake in such a short time. That’s terrible. What happened to them?’
He swallowed hard and seemed in agony. The grief was still raw and he obviously couldn’t bring himself to rake up the details so soon. ‘Natural causes. For both of them.’
‘Adam. I’m very sorry about all the horrible things that have happened to you. No one should have to deal with so much in such a short time, but if you loved me, you could have shared this with me. I loved you.’ The words were out before she could stop them and Adam’s mouth opened in shock. His eyes clouded with pain but it was too late to unsay them. Her stomach lurched.
‘I agonised over whether I should, but I was overwhelmed by the shock of finding out that Dad wasn’t who I thought he was, and that I had another family and a brother I’d lost before I even had a chance to meet him. I needed some space and time and the longer we were apart, the more I thought you were better off without me. Coming back and seeing you with Luca only confirms I was right.’ His shoulders slumped, and he looked utterly defeated.
‘But …’ Jess was about to say it was early days with Luca but stopped short. The state Adam was in, his determination to have no more to do with her, told her she shouldn’t try and change his mind. She wasn’t sure she wanted to, no matter how sympathetic she was towards his recent traumas. It would surely only invite more pain and hurt for both of them. ‘Even if you’d explained this in the letter, I’d have understood more.’
‘If I’d told you all this, you might have asked if you could come over and I didn’t want to drag you into my problems, especially when you needed to be here for the business at the busiest time of year. I’m sorry I even sent the letter. It was a bad idea.’
It’s too late now, Jess thought. She was in turmoil at hearing he’d gone through so much pain and was still obviously traumatised. Hearing his reasons for leaving had also left questions unanswered but she didn’t want to push him too far in his fragile state of mind. ‘I’m not sure why you’ve come back here now …’ she murmured.
‘Because all hell broke loose at home since the new year. Blake’s death had thrown everything up in the air. Emmy’s had a terrible time at school ever since he died. She’s been bullied, can you believe that? Even after losing her dad and granddad? Keri was desperate to get away, so I thought the best thing was to bring them here for some peace and quiet over Easter while things settled down. I kept up the lease on the cottage and I’ve been paying the rent.’
He stopped and for a few moments they both looked out over the sea. Jess tried to process what he’d told her but one huge question remained.
Adam broke the silence first.
‘You know that this doesn’t change anything between us?’
Jess’s throat dried at hearing this. She couldn’t even reply.
‘I’m not the man I was. I can never be the old Adam again. I’m sorry but I can’t see us ever going back to the way things were.’ His voice was breaking with the strain.
Without thinking, Jess touched his arm. ‘Don’t say that. Even if we can’t be together you can get through this. No matter how much you’re hurting now, people can help. Get some counselling, talk to someone. I’m here if you need me. As a – a friend, if nothing else.’
He shook his head. ‘You’re kind and you’re beautiful and I care for you, but you have a new life now. With Luca or whoever.’
Jess held her hand to her mouth to stop a sob. She’d finally had her explanation, for what it was worth, but she felt even worse than before.
‘Adam …’ her words trailed off. She didn’t know what she’d been going to say. She’d once had so much to say to him and now nothing whatsoever seemed to help in any way.
Adam carried on, ‘And if you’re worried about seeing me around, I only plan on staying until I’ve sorted out a few things. I need to arrange for my stuff to be shipped back to Cumbria and I’ve some financial stuff to deal with. Keri and Emmy are staying until Tuesday; Emmy has to go back to school on Wednesday. I’ll be staying on here for a few weeks and then I’ll be leaving for good too … but otherwise, we’ll try to keep out of your way. I hope you’ll be happy with Luca.’
‘It’s early days, Adam. Last night was only our second date.’ Jess had chosen her words carefully but Adam’s jaw dropped and she realised that he fully understood what the date had entailed. Even if she hadn’t spelled it out, her overnight bag and some sixth sense would have told him that she’d slept with Luca for the first time the previous night. His fingers clenched in a fist – not in physical rage because that wasn’t Adam, and never would be – but because he was desperately trying not to reply to her. She felt a fresh surge of pity for him.
‘I should never have even tried to speak to you outside the pub, or last night – or now. I’m sorry.’ His voice broke as he said it and Jess’s own heart broke a little more too.
‘I’m glad we’ve spoken, at least.’ No matter how painful for both of us, she thought. Something about this conversation felt very final; even more final than the day Adam had flown out of Scilly.
‘Does anyone else on Scilly know about your situation?’ she said.
‘No one, but if it’s easier for you, I’ll tell them about Keri and Emmy. I wanted you to be the first to know.’
‘I need to share it with Will.’
Adam closed his eyes. ‘He must hate me for what I’ve done.’
‘Will doesn’t hate people. You’re still his mate, but he was confused and angry. Like me.’
‘I’m sorry. I am a coward. I couldn’t handle what happened – I still can’t handle it …’ The agony was etched on his features. Jess wanted to reach out to him. He looked as if his world had ended.
‘You’re not a coward. Don’t say that.’
‘It’s true …’ He swallowed hard and tears glistened in his eyes. ‘I have to go.’
‘No, wait.’
‘Goodbye, Jess,’ he said, turned around and walked briskly down the beach before she could say another word. She stopped herself from following him, realising that he couldn’t hold in his emotions any longer and that he needed privacy.
Jess lingered on the beach, unable to move. Tears spilled out and ran down her own cheeks. She definitely couldn’t go home yet. Her mind and heart were full to bursting with Adam’s revelations about his family. He was overwhelmed with grief and probably depressed too. Over the past fifteen minutes, so many things about their break-up had fallen into place but it still felt as though he hadn’t told her everything and while he refused to trust her, she was as helpless as ever.