Jess had been torn between wanting to find Luca and wanting to hear what Adam had to say. However much she wanted to speak to Adam, she owed it to Luca to see how he was doing after the crash. She soon found him talking to Hugo at the edge of the beach. Or rather Hugo was talking at Luca, and ranting about the damage to the Petroc boat, judging by the way his arms were flailing. Luca was holding up his palms and trying to calm Hugo down as the rest of the crews argued over the two boats. The St Piran’s gig had clearly come off worse, from what Jess could see, but the brand new Petroc boat was also scraped all down one side. Splintered oars lay on the sand, but thankfully no one seemed to have been hurt.
It was obviously a bad time, so she headed away from the shore to calm her mind, but Luca caught up with her.
‘Jess. Wait.’
‘Are you OK?’ she asked.
‘Fine. Everyone’s unscathed apart from bruised egos.’
‘I’m glad you’re not hurt. It was a nasty clash and I saw Hugo kicking off about the boat?’
‘Yes. The resort sponsored and paid for the boat, which means he’s going to have to foot the bill for the damage.’
‘I’m sorry,’ said Jess because she couldn’t think of anything else to say and was bracing herself for the real confrontation to come.
‘Sorry? What for? Beating us? It was our fault we ran into St Piran’s. I don’t blame Will for taking advantage of the situation. I’d have done the same.’
He flashed a smile at her but there was no kiss. ‘Congratulations on winning.’
‘Thanks. Luca … I have to say this; that thing with Adam you saw. The hug. It happened in the heat of the moment, it didn’t mean anything.’ Jess’s heart sank even as she said the words. ‘You do understand?’
He shrugged. ‘There’s nothing for me to understand. It’s your life.’
‘It was an impulse. A reaction … relief.’
He smiled knowingly. ‘Why do I think you’re trying to convince yourself here?’
She fired up. ‘I’m not. It did mean nothing. I’d forgotten what had happened between me and Adam for a few seconds.’
Luca arched an eyebrow. ‘I have to sort out the damage to the boat with the St Piran’s captain, then let’s find somewhere quieter if possible and talk properly. It’s been a hell of a ride for us all today. Can you give me half an hour to deal with the gig and then meet me in town? By the deli café on Hugh Street?’
Jess nodded and headed off, scouring the crowds. Adam was no longer on the beach, and she couldn’t see him or Keri and Emmy among the throng. She wandered further along the promenade above the beach but they all seemed to have vanished. Her mind was racing and her emotions were all over the place, what she really needed was time and space to think.
She’d reached the furthest end of Porthloo beach, so she decided to follow the path behind it, around the headland and up to Harry’s Walls, an old fort that looked over the harbour. It was a tucked-away haven and she was relieved to find herself alone when she reached the grassy space within the ruined stones. She perched on a fragment of wall and looked down on the chaotic scene in the harbour. Other gigs were still racing and people scurried over the beaches and lined the quayside. Snatches of the loudspeaker announcements drifted up on the wind.
Jess realised she’d miss the prize-giving for the winning Mixed crew, but that wasn’t a bad thing. She couldn’t face being hauled onto the podium anyway.
She hugged her knees, glad she’d put her hoodie on over her racing vest.
Luca had seemed to accept that her embrace with Adam was an impulse. It was true, it was an impulse – she hadn’t even thought about it as Adam threw his arms around her in the euphoria of winning the race. And yes, in those few seconds, the past eight months might never have happened. She and Adam were one again; a team: pulling together and joined together, as she’d always felt they were.
Yet it was all an illusion: as if she’d dreamt the rowing race and woken up now to cold harsh reality. She and Adam could never be together.
She shivered. The heat of the race had gone and she was growing cold in the wind, despite her sweatshirt. She could try and find Adam and ask him what he’d meant by ‘fate’, but time was running out. She’d promised to meet Luca, and she should really find Will and the rest of the crew too. No chance of calling any of them: her phone was in the dry bag in the locker of the Athene but there was nothing she could do about that. Anyway, her crew would surely be in one of the pubs, celebrating their victory: Adam wouldn’t be so easy to locate.
She coaxed her stiff limbs into life and walked down from the fort to join the quieter back road into town. She hadn’t got far when she saw Adam walking up the steep path towards her. Jess stopped and readied herself. It was relatively quiet here, no one else could hear them and most of all they had to stop running from each other.
‘Jess?’
She waited by a bench. ‘How did you find me?’
‘One of the marshals said they’d seen you heading this way a while ago. I guessed where you might be. We used to come up here. Do you remember?’
She smiled at the memory. ‘Of course I do. We were here last August after the beach party.’ The week before he got the text, she remembered. ‘It feels like a lifetime ago now.’
‘It does for me too. I’m not going anywhere now. The question is: are you?’
‘No. No I’m staying. I want to hear what you have to say, even if I won’t like it. Where are Keri and Emmy?’
‘Keri’s taken Emmy to a pottery painting café in town. She’s mad on art and crafts. I have an hour before I have to meet them and take the boat back to the cottage. I wanted to talk to you straight after the race, but I had to tell Keri where I was going and what I was doing. Then I saw you with Luca …’
‘He saw us together in the boat. I was explaining that it didn’t mean anything.’
‘No …’ said Adam, a little wistfully, thought Jess. ‘If he’s worth anything, he’ll know that. It happened in the moment. It was a mistake.’
Her heart plunged. ‘I wouldn’t have called it a mistake. More an impulse. We forgot who we are – who we are now.’
Adam stared at her. ‘But that’s the problem. I can’t forget who we are or what we were to each other and what you still mean to me. I’ve tried so fucking hard, but I can’t let us go that easily. I thought I could get away without explaining anything, but now I know it was impossible. There’s something I wish I didn’t know but I do and I can’t keep it a secret from anyone I care about or love and especially not you.’
Jess had promised herself that she would stay calm and hear him out without ranting or getting upset. She shoved her hands in the pockets of her hoodie to stop them shaking.
They had to step back almost into the hedge then to let a large group of walkers pass them on the path. Adam cursed under his breath, but he and Jess smiled and returned the group’s greeting, though Jess was ready to scream in frustration. How bizarre that they had to observe all the niceties when they were both bursting to talk.
‘Up here,’ said Adam and they climbed the path back onto the top of the ruined walls out of the way of passers-by. Adam looked out to sea and took a deep breath of air, almost as if he’d been dying of oxygen starvation. ‘You have no idea how I’ve missed this.’
‘Me too, but what’s going on? Why haven’t you told me the full story?’
‘Oh God. I panicked. I knew I should trust you, but I was so afraid. I still am more afraid than I’ve ever been in my life …’
Jess had heard the phrase ‘my blood ran cold’ and never known what it meant, but that’s exactly how she felt now: as if an icy fluid had been injected into her veins and frozen her solid. She couldn’t move and could hardly breathe.
‘Are you ill, Adam? Is it something terrible?’
‘It’s not great,’ he said and smiled: but it was a smile that made Jess want to cry. ‘Sit down,’ he said gently.
She sat on a broken piece of wall, and Adam joined her.
‘I need to go right back to the beginning. To last August, the day we fetched Gaby from the airport.’
And the text. That awful text. Jess knew that was the start of it: the misery.
Adam closed his eyes, as if he was trying to blot out a terrible memory.
Jess wanted to hold him, but those days were gone. She felt completely helpless. ‘Go on,’ she said quietly.
‘After you’d left the cottage that evening, I called Keri back. She didn’t only contact me to tell me about my real dad. Keri phoned to say that Blake had passed away from the same condition as my dad, Peter, had died of six months before.’
Adam took a breath before he carried on.
‘Keri told me Blake had had an inherited neurological disease and she was very sorry to have to tell me but I might carry the gene. She said that there was a test for it if I wanted it but that many people didn’t want to know. But she said it was my choice, a horrible choice, but better than no one warning me at all. I wish she hadn’t told me though, because there’s no cure for it and a fifty-fifty chance I have it too.’
‘Oh my God.’ Jess threw her arms around him instinctively. She held him. Felt his body shake a little, then he gently pushed her away. His eyes were bright. Jess felt as if her heart was crumbling away, piece by piece. ‘You should have told me. Why didn’t you trust me before?’ she murmured, finally releasing him.
‘I refused to believe any of it. I feel well. I’m young and strong. How could I possibly have this … this horrible thing? So, I buried all the bad stuff and tried to ignore it, but the fear ate away at me. I could barely function and I know I pushed you away.’ He held Jess tightly. ‘I’m so sorry, but I couldn’t tell you. Even as I slowly began to face the truth, I couldn’t face dealing with my feelings, let alone yours.’
Adam gently let Jess go but stayed close to her. Jess bit back tears, clinging onto the realisation she had to stay strong for Adam.
‘Have you told your mum why Keri contacted you?’
Adam put his head in his hands. ‘I just told her it was about the money Pete had left. I didn’t want to add the worry of this disease onto the stress of her having to tell me she’d had an affair. I still haven’t told her.’
Jess thought of the little girl holding her ice cream and her stomach knotted. ‘What about Emmy? Does she have it?’
‘No. Thank God. Keri had her tested at birth and she doesn’t. Jess. I still love you but the situation is impossible. The thing is that even if I don’t have it, our children might also carry the gene. And I know how much you love kids. One of the reasons I finally decided to leave was when we all found out that Maisie was having a baby. You were so happy for her, I overheard you saying how much you’d love a family. Even though I’d hung on here because I couldn’t bear to actually leave the island, that was the final straw.’
‘What an awful burden for you, Adam. I’m so sorry …’ She hardly dared ask the next question but had to know the worst. ‘What is the disease?’
‘It’s a neurological condition caused by a faulty gene. It’s something like Huntington’s but even rarer. We joke it must have been made specially for us.’ He actually smiled briefly and Jess realised that no matter what he said about not having come to terms with it, Adam had already gone a long way down the road to accepting things.
‘Is there really… no cure?’ She had to stop her voice from faltering.
‘There’s lots of research, but no cure on the horizon. Some treatment to manage the symptoms and they’re working hard on the genetic cause, but it’s about as grim as it gets. It affects your central nervous system until you’re completely unable to move or breathe on your own …’ his voice trailed off. Telling her this terrible news must be agonising for him.
She picked up his hand and squeezed it. ‘Adam, I would have stood by you.’
‘That’s exactly why I left. I knew you’d want to help me, but I don’t want your pity and for you to end up as my nurse.’ His jaw was tight and the strain etched on every feature. ‘I’m sorry, but I’ve tried not to get down. I’ve tried to be strong. I’ve debated night and day whether I should find out if I have the gene too, but I can’t find an answer.’
‘But if you don’t have it—’
‘If I don’t. But as I said, it’s genetic: I could also pass it on to our kids. And I wanted kids with you. I still do, but I can’t possibly allow that. I was petrified you might be pregnant for a while, even though we’d taken precautions. You know the worst thing about all of this?’
Jess squeezed his hand.
‘I’ve been a coward. A coward to leave. Not to be able to deal with it, not to face up to it.’
‘Stop saying it or thinking it. You’re not a coward … but you need to get some help. This is too much to bear on your own. Have you had any counselling?’
‘No. I don’t want to talk about it. I know the options: do the test or not. Die or not. Be with you or not.’ His voice firmed. ‘So you have to leave me. You have to be with Luca – or anyone else. Or on your own, but not with me. It’s driven me half insane seeing you with Luca yet at the same time, I’m relieved. I want you to be happy with him: with anyone but me. I love you, Jess. I love you so much and that’s why I’m the last man on earth you should be with and why I left you.’
‘You can’t tell me this and expect me not to care!’ Jess cried. Especially now that he’d told her he still loved her, and he always had, yet he was leaving for good. He’d given her everything she’d longed for and snatched it away again, even though she knew he couldn’t help himself. She felt as if she was fighting to keep her head above water as one wave of agony rolled over her after another.
‘But I do and it’s why, after today, I can’t see you again. I’ve decided to end my lease on the cottage and move back to Cumbria permanently.’
‘What if you get the test and it’s clear?’
‘I won’t get it. I can’t. I’d rather not know, and lots of people choose not to find out. And even if I did, and it was OK, I can never make up for what I’ve done to you. A clean break now is best. Forget me forever.’
‘Oh Adam.’ Tears ran down her face. She couldn’t see him any more but she could feel his arms around her. He was holding her and soothing her. He brushed his hand over her damp cheeks. ‘Jess, my lovely. I can’t lay this burden on you. You have to believe me that I feel the same way about you as I did when I got the text, the same way I did when I flew out. Every day we’ve been apart I knew I loved you. I raked over the decision endlessly. It was Keri who wanted me to tell you the truth. She confessed to me last night that she badgered me to bring them here to Scilly, not only for Emmy’s sake but because she wanted me to come clean with you and she’s been on at me ever since. She said it would be more painful if you were left in the dark. Then when Will asked me to join the crew, I couldn’t hold back any longer.’
‘Keri was right but …’ Jess trembled in his arms. ‘It doesn’t matter now. Nothing does but you getting help.’
He shook his head. ‘There is no help.’
‘I want to help, I’d support you whatever happened. Let me, please, Adam.’
He shook his head. ‘No. Stop trying to persuade me. I’ve made my decision. I can’t do this, Jess.’ He let her go as if he suddenly needed to escape from her. ‘I need to find Emmy and Keri. I’ll see you … I’m sorry for everything but it’s hopeless.’
‘Wait!’ Icy shivers ran through her as she felt the loss of his arms around her.
He jogged away from her. Jess followed but he was already scrambling down the path. She could chase after him but he was so hurt, he wouldn’t have listened.
She closed her eyes and steadied herself on an old wall as the wind gusted around her and snatches of music and cheers filtered up from the harbour. She’d never felt so desolate in her life. If Adam told her that Keri was his girlfriend and he wanted to marry her and live on Scilly, it would have been a hundred times better than the truth. Her heart was breaking all over again.