Jess didn’t know exactly how long had passed since she’d arrived at the hospital on St Mary’s. She couldn’t remember much at all since the explosion had lifted her off her feet. All she knew was that she must have swallowed wire wool. Her throat was so sore, it hurt to breathe even with the oxygen mask over her face. It could get worse before it got better, the doctors told her, and also that she was very lucky to have survived. The end of the barn had collapsed minutes after Adam had carried her out … she remembered that much, even if everything else was now a blurry haze, like an image that kept coming in and out of focus.
Adam had been in the inferno and she had no idea why.
After the explosion, she must have passed out for a few moments. She’d been hurled onto the bales of hay at the far end of the barn and opened her eyes on hell. Even though she’d been thrown away from the blaze, the heat had been unbearable. She was sure she was burning, but by a miracle, she’d escaped any actual burns. She’d seen a figure in the doorway, thought it must be Will, tried to shout to him, but gulped in smoke and passed out again.
The next thing she remembered clearly was waking up in the yard with a mask over her face and Adam next to her, tears streaming down his face and ash in his hair. People were talking to her, over her, about her – she heard someone tell her that Will and Gaby and everyone at the farm was OK – but her entire energy had been taken up by just breathing in and out.
The journey to the island hospital was a jumble and she didn’t have much recollection of being assessed and admitted. They’d kept her overnight, monitoring her lungs for any long-lasting damage. She’d slept or felt woozy for much of that time and vaguely remembered visitors passing in and out of her room, but now, on the following morning, she was finally more awake and alert.
Adam was sitting by her bed, stroking her hand.
‘Y-you … OK?’ she said to him, pulling her mask away
‘Shh. Talking’s going to be hard for a while.’ Adam smiled and Jess knew he was trying to joke but without expecting her to laugh.
She squeezed his hand hard and he winced.
‘You’re burnt.’
Adam held up his hand, bandaged around the palm. He wiggled his fingers. ‘It’s not serious. It should heal quickly.’
‘Oh, Adam … thank you.’ There was so much she wanted to say, but nothing seemed enough, even if she could have squeezed out the words.
He put his finger gently on her dry lips. ‘Just lie there and take it easy.’ He coughed again. ‘Keri and Emmy have gone home, but they sent their good wishes and hope you’ll be better soon. Jess … I can’t believe I almost lost you.’
‘W-was it my fault? I turned the valve on the pump and soon after there was an explosion. I don’t know why …’
‘Shh. The fire was nothing to do with the pump. Len caused it by accident.’ Gently, he replaced the mask on her face, his eyes bright.
He told her more about what had happened. There would be an investigation, but Len had already admitted throwing a cigarette end outside the barn. He thought the cigarette was out, but it must have smouldered and eventually set light to the sacks and the dry timbers of the barn. They weren’t sure what had exploded, possibly some fuel for the generator.
Jess shed a few tears when she heard how Gaby had dragged Will out. She wanted to say so much more to Adam, but she knew she had to keep breathing the oxygen. Her only way of communicating how she felt was to squeeze Adam’s good hand with all her strength.
Adam stood up. ‘I have to go. Your family want to see you again now you’re more in the mood for visitors but I’m so happy you’re OK. I don’t know what I’d have done if …’ He didn’t finish, but kissed her briefly on the forehead and left before she could respond.
Will and Anna came in and Anna burst into tears. When she eventually left to get a cup of tea, urged by Will, Gaby joined him. Gaby looked pale and had steri-strips covering a graze on her forehead. Will kept having to stop to cough and his voice was almost as hoarse as Jess’s own. How close they’d come to losing each other, she thought. She shivered despite the warmth of the hospital room.
Although she was already exhausted by all the visitors, she was so relieved that everyone was safe. She couldn’t believe the horror of what had almost happened. Jess took the oxygen from her face. There was something important she needed to say. ‘Thanks for saving Will,’ she told Gaby.
‘Someone has to,’ said Gaby, with a cheeky smile, while nudging closer to Will.
Jess’s eyes widened as Will slipped his arm around Gaby’s back. Wow. That was a big step forward, but what did it mean? Gaby had been leaving that day. Was she now staying on the island? Come to think of it, how was she here at all? She and Will looked so happy – so comfortable – together – which was wonderful but made her think again of Adam and how he’d risked his life for her. Even though they were both safe, he still had a spectre looming over him that wasn’t going away. How must he be feeling now?
‘Do you know where’s Adam gone?’ she asked.
‘Back to Keri and Emmy.’ Gaby exchanged looks with Will. ‘This probably isn’t a great time, but he said something weird before he ran after you.’
‘Weird?’ Jess started coughing again.
‘He said he didn’t care if he died in the fire because he might be dead anyway.’
Jess nodded. ‘Oh.’
Will patted her arm. ‘Don’t worry about it. Rest up for now … and Luca wants to see you but he said he’d wait until you were home.’
Jess nodded. She needed to rest, but all she could think about was Adam risking his life to save her and what he’d said to Gaby. She was safe and she was grateful for that, but while he was suffering, if she had to drag herself out of bed and crawl, she would find him and try to comfort him again.
Will and Gaby sat by her bed and chatted to her for a few minutes, but seeing that she was tired, they left shortly after. Jess didn’t want to sleep even though she was exhausted because she wondered when – or if – she would ever see Adam again. The future was as uncertain as it had been before. But no matter how hard she tried to stay awake and think things through, she couldn’t keep her lids from closing.
*
Jess’s stomach turned over when she got out of the pick-up in the farmyard the following afternoon after she’d been released from hospital. One end of the barn was a blackened ruin, while the remaining half was intact but cordoned off with makeshift tape. Charred and water-damaged equipment and rubbish was piled up a few yards away.
‘It’s a bit of a mess,’ said Anna, holding onto Jess’s arm as she helped her out of the car. Jess didn’t need a hand but she wanted to please her mother. She suppressed a shudder and turned away from the barn. She’d thought she – and Will – wouldn’t get out of that place alive until Adam had appeared.
Jess breathed in carefully. There was a slight tang of ash on the air, but the fresh breeze was still miles better than the hospital. The doctors had said her lungs would continue to improve and there seemed to be no long-term damage, although she’d have to have regular check-ups.
She took a moment to look at the bare brown earth in the fields. The scent of the sea and late spring wildflowers was carried on the breeze. A tractor rumbled its way along the bottom field where some of the workers were lifting up the bulbs. They lay in piles along the ridges, drying in the sun before they were replanted again to give them fresh room to grow in a different field.
On her mother’s arm, she walked into the house, where the scent of baking bread hit her. The kitchen table was covered with cards and gifts from friends and neighbours. No one had sent flowers, of course, but homemade cakes, boxes of chocolates and a crate of vegetables from the Barton sisters’ garden waited for her. Maisie and Patrick had visited her in hospital the previous evening and were coming over the next day, after she’d settled in.
‘Do you want to go upstairs for a rest?’ her mother asked her.
Jess sank into the carver chair, still marvelling at the gifts waiting for her on the table. ‘Thanks, Mum, but I think I’ve had enough rest for a while.’
‘Cup of tea? Or would a cold drink be better?’
Jess smiled. ‘Cold will be good.’
She pointed to a cottage loaf on the table. It had a wonky top. ‘I made some bread. I thought the smell would disguise the other one, but my baking skills are very rusty.’
‘Thanks, Mum.’ Jess squeezed her mother’s fingers, touched by the comforting gesture.
Her mother stood behind her chair and put her arms around Jess’s neck. She kissed the top of her head and then went to get a glass.
Jess started to open her cards, smiling at the messages. One envelope was obviously written by a child and she opened it. It was from Emmy with a drawing of a narcissus on the front. Keri had added her name too.
‘The little girl and her mum came over with that before they left,’ said her mother, setting a glass of squash in front of Jess. That made her feel about five years old, but the cool liquid was soothing for her throat. ‘Keri and Emmy seem quite pleasant.’
‘They’re both really nice,’ said Jess, still unsure what her mother knew about Adam’s family.
‘You can tell she’s his niece, can’t you?’
Jess nodded.
Her mum sat opposite Jess and toyed with the ribbon on a jar of homemade cookies. ‘Keri told me a bit about Adam’s troubles.’
‘What did she tell you?’ Jess caught her breath, wondering what was coming.
‘Not much more than you’d already mentioned. I do feel sorry for her and the little girl. She’s a brave woman because she seemed more concerned about Adam. She said it had been very tough for him. Is that why Adam took off? The shock of finding out about his new family and his father and brother dying so young?’
Jess nodded. ‘It’s been very hard on him.’
‘Yes, I can imagine. I wanted to do the same after your father left. I wanted to get on the first plane and never come back, but I knew that I had to stay or we’d all lose everything and I loved you both too much to destroy your future. At times, on the worst days, it was hard to carry on, knowing everyone was talking about me and that my husband loved another woman. I almost stepped off a cliff a few times.’
‘Oh, Mum! I knew you were unhappy but I didn’t realise how awful you were feeling.’ Jess coughed, horrified at this confession.
‘No. Don’t get upset.’ Her mother patted her arm. ‘You and Will kept me going. You kept me alive and now I only want you to be happy. I saw what Adam did for you and for me too. He risked his life for you. I was always worried that he was wrong for you. I thought he wasn’t good enough at the start and then I thought he was a bastard like your father.’
‘He’s not,’ Jess asserted.
‘Yes, my love, I know that now and I’m so glad he’s back. If you want to be with him, if you want to leave the farm with him, not that you need my permission, you go ahead, with my blessing. Nothing matters but you and Will and you both being happy.’
Jess smiled but inside she was crying. Her mother thought everything was hunky-dory now. She’d given her blessing to Will and Gaby, and to Jess and Adam. Gaby and Will probably thought the same thing. Everything had changed for them and yet for her and Adam, nothing had changed.
*
After she’d settled in, a visitor arrived. It was Luca, smiling and bearing a large hamper of goodies from the Petroc deli. A variety of emotions hit her. She was relieved that she was even here to see him again and genuinely pleased to see his smiling face. But she felt a tinge of regret that she would have to deliver news that might make him unhappy.
‘Hi there. I hope this is OK. Flowers were out of course, and I wasn’t sure champagne was appropriate so here you are.’ He handed over his gift and Jess baulked a little at the weight of it before putting it on the kitchen table. The basket was wrapped in a blue silken bow. Even through the cellophane she could smell the tantalising aromas of chocolate, coffee and spices. ‘Thank you. They’re gorgeous,’ she said, smiling at his thoughtfulness.
He kissed her on the cheek, then his expression became serious. ‘My God, Jess, I can’t tell you how relieved I am to see you looking so much better. That day will be etched on my memory forever. I heard the explosion at the hotel and ran up to the farm, but by that time you were already with the paramedics. Adam saved you. I wish I’d been there to help.’ Guilt edged his voice.
‘Don’t beat yourself up,’ said Jess, about to add that she needed to confess something too but Luca carried on.
‘I do feel guilty, but it’s not really about not being there to help you out of the barn.’ He dragged his hand over his face. ‘Something’s happened. I don’t know how to tell you. I came to the farm yesterday to break the news …’
She frowned. ‘What news?’
Luca shook his head. ‘Shit, what a mess.’
He took her hand and Jess let him speak.
‘It’s my wife. It’s Rachel. Her new partner has left her and she’s in a bad way. She called me … Jess, I have to go and help her. I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be. Don’t be sorry. You love her and it’s natural.’ Rather than feeling crushed with disappointment, as Luca was obviously worrying she might be, Jess wasn’t hurt. She knew more than anyone that feelings for someone you loved couldn’t be switched on and off easily, or ever. Luca and Rachel had shared their lives and there was clearly still something there between them.
‘I’m sorry. I thought it was all in the past. I don’t know if this will be the start of anything between us, but you’re right, I do love her and I’m sorry if you’ve been hurt.’ He ran his hands over the table, unable to look at her momentarily before he met her eyes again. He obviously hated doing this to her. He was a good man.
She shook her head. ‘Stop trying to be someone you could never have been. It’s been fun, you came along at a time when I needed something fresh, an escape. You made me see that there was a chink of light on the other side of a dark place, but we were never going to be long term. We live in two different universes.’
Luca held her and kissed her lips. But it was a chaste kiss, a farewell kiss, and Jess was flooded with a sadness that was tinged with relief. He’d saved her from telling him she didn’t want to go to London with him. Every moment that passed, the load on her mind eased. She had barely been able to cope with the idea of Adam being desperate, and hurting Luca too.
Luca shook his head. ‘I have no idea what’s wrong with Adam, but I hope that almost losing you forever finally brings him to his senses. I know how much you care about him, but in my opinion, he’s out of his fucking mind.’
Jess couldn’t help but smile.
He stayed a little while longer, talking about how relieved he was that she was safe and a little bit about Rachel and then he got up. ‘You must be tired. I’ll probably be back to see Hugo now and then on business but I won’t be moving here. My life’s in London now though I’ll always be there for you if you need a friend. More than a friend.’
‘I really hope it works out for you and Rachel.’ Jess hoped he could tell from her voice that she genuinely meant it.
‘Yeah. I need to help her get straight before I can even think of starting anything with her again, but thanks. Thanks for everything.’
She saw him off at the gate and they embraced. Her mother was feeding the goats but had stopped to watch her say her goodbyes to Luca. Jess turned away once Luca had gone out of sight and walked back to her mother.
‘It’s Adam, then, is it?’ her mother said.
‘Not unless a miracle happens,’ said Jess, stroking the goat’s head as it tucked into its feed.
‘He’d be mad not to snap you up.’
‘It’s not that simple,’ said Jess. ‘But please, Mum, don’t ask me any more about it now.’