Chantel
HIS KNEES WERE BENT UP so his arms could hang over them casually. The floor was hard. Possibly marble. It couldn’t be comfortable. I wondered how long he’d been sitting there like that. I also wondered how long Fiona was going to make him sit there and wait. Pausing I considered getting back on the elevator and going back to the dinner.
I wasn’t someone Marty wanted to see. His head hung forward as he stared at the floor in thought. That or he was falling asleep. I had watched him follow Fiona with the date her sister had set up for her. I’d wondered what would come of that situation. When none of them returned, I’d assumed everything was fine. Not that it was my business.
Marty was her one. He was her happy. He was what she didn’t believe existed in this life. And I’d missed that for both of them. I had thought she was over and done with him. It had been the worst mistake of my life. Even when Shay had told me she didn’t think Fiona would ever get over Marty. I ignored that.
As I stood here in the quiet, elaborate hallway watching him look so lost and defeated I felt the guilt again. It wasn’t just Fiona I had hurt. It was Marty. Because he’d been innocent. Even drunk he’d told me over and over how much he loved Fiona. How much he missed her. How it felt like his heart was ripped from his chest every time he saw her. How when Fiona had said no to his proposal and left him for Italy that he’d gone to see Mary Grace. Gotten drunk and made a mistake. One he tried to explain to Fiona but she never let him tell her the whole story. He adored Fiona.
I wanted that. I was jealous of it. Marty wasn’t like any man I had ever known. No man had loved me with that kind of desperation. That much passion. And I wanted it so badly in my drunken state I thought I could make him love me instead.
In the light of day, I had seen my error. I had seen the devastation I caused. Some days I thought I had forgiven myself. Standing here now seeing Marty I knew I hadn’t. No man had loved me like Marty loved Fiona. She had something rare. Something I doubted most people found.
I loved her. She was the sister I never had. I wanted her to have that happiness again. The joy that had lit her face when she said his name. To see her make terrible cookies she thought he loved. To watch as his name brought a smile to her face that I hadn’t seen in years.
Marty lifted his head and turned, making eye contact with me. He stared at me a moment then sighed. His shoulders lifting and falling with the deep breath. Seeing me was always a reminder for him. We hadn’t spoken after that morning. Fiona’s tears, screams, and fleeing had left us both broken in a way we had not recovered from.
But it was time we talked now. Time to clear the air. I couldn’t make the night he had spent with Mary Grace go away. But he needed to know what had happened the night we had passed out in the living room of the apartment Fiona and I shared.
“If she eventually opens this door, you’re the last person I’d like her to find out here with me,” he said the words bluntly.
“Possibly. But I need to say something,” I said not letting his anger toward me intimidate me like I once had. “Explain something.” I added.
“If it’s about that night that ruined my fucking life, don’t,” he growled.
“I let your anger toward me send me running before. I was too upset, ashamed, and guilty to face either of you. When you both left town I thought time would heal you both. That you’d move on and what I’d done would be forgotten. Possibly for the best,” I paused as his eyes stared up at me with a mix of disgust and annoyance. I had to finish this. No matter how hard it was. “We didn’t sleep together that night. I didn’t pass out, you did. I hadn’t drunk nearly enough to be so drunk I forgot everything. I’d claimed to, but that was a lie. You had come to find Fiona and she was dating that school teacher. Something in me . . . something ugly took over. I wanted a man to love me the way you loved Fiona. I wanted a man who could love so deeply. I’d never seen a man love like you did. So, I offered you a drink. Then we ate, and you drank. Yes, we left for a few hours and went to a bar. We didn’t dance. You drank and talked about Fiona. About how much you loved her. How you couldn’t continue living like you’d moved on. I encouraged your drinking. I kept telling you how happy she was with the school teacher.” I felt terrible. Just saying it out loud. It had taken me a long time to forgive myself.
“When we got back to the apartment I suggested you come to our place so you could wait for Fiona. You stumbled up the stairs and walked into the living room, laid down, then passed out. You were snoring in minutes.” I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “I went to the bar and drank a shot of vodka. I took off both of our shirts and cuddled up against you. Wanting to pretend for just a few moments that you loved me. I didn’t mean to fall asleep like that.” I stopped and watched as the horror on Marty’s face mirrored what I had felt the next morning. Realizing what I had done had been horrible.
“She would have forgiven me,” he said slowly. “We had started talking through things. She was ready to listen to me about what had happened with Mary Grace. I never even got to tell her that Mary Grace passed away two months later. That when I’d gone to see her I had gotten drunk to face that she was dying. I was going to get to explain it all to Fiona. Get her to understand it. But . . . You. Ruined. That.” He stood up, his eyes flashing with pure hate. “Do you have any idea how much it hurts to lose the one person you love more than anyone else in the world? Any fucking clue? You want to be loved the way I love Fiona but you have no idea the depth of the pain that comes along with it. Your actions took everything from me. Even after she wouldn’t forgive me for going to see Mary Grace, I still saw Fiona every day. She was there near me. She wasn’t mine but she was close. I wasn’t completely empty as long as she was there. But when she left, it destroyed me. Living everyday not seeing her face,” he paused closing his eyes tightly. “Leave. Please leave.”
I didn’t try to apologize. I’m sorry wasn’t strong enough. It was weak. It was pointless.
Nothing I said now could fix what I had broken. I just hoped that now he knew the truth he could be free of any guilt. Because it had been two women that tore Fiona and him apart. Marty had never done anything. He’d told me about Mary Grace that night too. When he as drinking. He’d explained what had happened. And Marty had never been unfaithful to Fiona. He’d slept in a bed with a girl who he had loved once. He’d held her all night in her hospital bed. And he had kissed her cheek the next morning when he left knowing that he would never see her again.
It had been Fiona’s insecurities that forced her to believe the worst. Unable to accept that Marty would never hurt her. I looked at her closed door wishing she would listen. Wishing she would accept all the truth in front of her. Lies told by others and lies she told herself had always been Fiona’s worst enemy.