Chapter Fifteen
Jordan took the long way home, with the windows down and the stereo blaring. We both needed it, I think. Jordan to help scab over the wounds we’d ripped raw and me to settle into this new knowledge of who he was.
Who we were.
I played with the charm around my neck. I did it without any of the self-loathing I had before. He’d given me freedom, he was teaching me to love myself again and didn’t even realize it.
I studied him, from the muscles that ran up his shoulder and neck, to the sharp line of his jaw, and the strong high cheekbones. He was masculine and beautiful. I’d never had the freedom to study him, to watch him. I’d always been too afraid he’d catch me, that he’d know I was doing it. It was exciting. My arousal built. I knew now what his face looked like flushed with passion, how his lips tasted when they were swollen from kisses.
When I squirmed beside him on the bench seat, the corner of his mouth curled. “You make it really difficult to be a nice guy with you looking at me like that.”
The past two things he’d said to me had rendered me speechless. It was impressive.
“It’s okay to trust me,” he said as he turned down the radio.
“That’s not it.” I made a face. “I can’t think of anything to say when you say things like that.”
“Wow, Raelynn Casey speechless?” His face brightened in mock surprise.
I nudged him with my elbow. “Bite me.” The laugh died on my lips when I caught the heat in his eyes. There had never been another guy that could scramble up my thoughts with just a look.
I was still rattled by the punch of arousal when we pulled up to the red light outside The Rooster Barn. If you pictured the most sketchy, rundown hellhole of a bar in Texas and then thought worse…that would be The Rooster. The floors are sticky, the beer is hot, and the whiskey is watered down.
If you ever found yourself in The Rooster, don’t ask for ice because the machine hasn’t been cleaned since it was installed in 1977. The people who owned it were notorious white trash. The crowd that hung out there required extra hard-ass security guards. I’d only been inside once and vowed to never go back. Even with my brother and his friends, I still hadn’t been totally safe. I’d stick with Felt, Arkadia’s pool hall, any day of the week.
I sneered at it with distaste when an old, busted-up Trans-Am pulled into the lane beside us. There was a blower that stuck up a foot from the rusted hood. Which told me he probably paid more money for the motor than the car itself. Sleepers, we called them.
The driver was older, in his late thirties, and well into a six pack. Sleeper or no sleeper, he wasn’t a match for Jordan and the sixty-five. One look at Jordan and I could tell he knew it too.
The guy in the Trans-Am sneered at me and shouted over the engine he revved up. “Hey, hottie, sure you don’t want to ride with a real man?”
My sister would give me credit for not laughing outright. I did, however, visibly choke to keep the laugh at bay.
“Did that asswipe really say what I think he said?” Jordan’s face twisted up in a mixture of shock and disgust.
“Yeah.” I pursed my lips. It didn’t take a genius to see where this was going.
Leaning across my lap, Jordan gave the guy one of the most intimidating glares I’d ever seen. There was a revved engine in response, a cigarette still dangling from his bottom lip. It became obvious this guy wasn’t very smart. Jordan could rearrange his face with little effort.
“What was that?” Jordan’s hand slid between my legs and under the seat to turn on the nitrous bottle. “I couldn’t hear you over the sound of real power!”
As the other guy went to mouth off, Jordan’s right foot patted the gas pedal. The engine didn’t rev…it roared like an offended lion.
“To the next light.” Taking Jordan’s lead, I pointed ahead of us to the next intersection, shouting over the roar of eight cylinders. It was an eighth of a mile or slightly more. “Go on green, a hundred bucks if you beat us there.”
“You’re on, baby.” The Trans-Am driver gave a cigarette bouncing sneer.
The corners of Jordan’s mouth were having a hard time staying down. He lived for this, he loved it. I’d known since the first time I saw him behind the wheel of a vehicle.
The moment the anticipation of the race came over him like he was mainlining adrenaline, took my breath away. My earlier arousal was nothing compared to that. His eyes narrowed on the light as the cross directions turned yellow, and my mouth watered.
I gripped the seat under me.
On green, we were gone, my back plastered against the seat behind me with the rush of power. The Trans-Am never had a chance. I didn’t bother looking over to check who was in the lead or glance at the streetlights that passed. I looked right at Jordan. My entire body tingled with desire, every inch of me anxious for the strength of him. By the time we sailed through the red light, I was crawling all over him like a harlot.
There was trust, borne from our night together as well as years of friendship. But, there was something more. I’d dreamed about this moment with him for most of my life. This was the life I’d wanted, the one I’d dreamed of.
I was going to live it. I was free.
His skin was warm beneath my lips as I kissed his cheek, then down his jaw to his neck. The truck rumbled on the downshift. The heated look he gave me as I pulled away paired with the taste of him on my tongue, sent a shiver up my spine.
When the redneck finally caught up with us, his face was void of emotion. He held the bill out the window, not slowing at all.
Maybe it was that I trusted Jordan’s driving a little too much, maybe it was the adrenaline coursing through me making braver. Whatever it was, I stretched out the window and snatched the bill. With a smug grin, I slid back into my seat.
“Whoo!” I shouted once I was safely back inside, tucked against Jordan. “I haven’t felt this—alive—in a long time.”
“No.” Jordan shook his head when I tried to hand him the money. “Your bet, your win.”
I tucked the bill into my pocket. He was the reason I could feel like this. It was all Jordan’s making, every bit of it. I was happy, free, aroused, and warm.
He was watching me more than he was watching the road, but I didn’t care.
Tension built on adrenaline and arousal filled the air. Making it so thick I had to force my breaths in and out even with the windows down. My skin was sizzling with heat, the faster he drove the hotter I got.
I was on the verge of writhing in the seat when his hand slid up my thigh, a little too high, and back down again.
I gasped at the contact. His hand went perfectly still. With my heart pumping fast in my chest, I waited for something, anything. When nothing came, I used my own to guide his hand back up my thigh. I tucked my hair behind my ear and bit my lip against the rush of pleasure.
I turned and pressed myself against him, my lips seeking purchase on the warm skin of his neck.
How could one man be so attractive, so arousing? It had always been like God had made him with special specs for me. I’d tried with others. I’d tried to find other men as attractive as I found him. None had ever measured up.
For me, it was always Jordan Slater.
With a wriggle, I slid the denim shorts down my hips. Beside me, Jordan’s grin was feral and dangerous. Everything inside me turned to melted chocolate. It happened so fast, from feeling to action, that I didn’t have time to process my actions. I didn’t want to.
“You make me feel like I’m someone else,” I whispered against his ear.
The engine sounds grew louder, as if he were trying to get somewhere, the faster the better. We both were.
His fingers brushed across the silk that covered me and I closed my eyes against the onslaught of sensation, the tingling pressure the tips of his fingers brought. Flashes of the night before, outside by his barn, went through my mind as I spread my legs wider.
He touched me again, one slow drag of his finger down the length of my satin covered sex, and I moaned outright. I knew what he could do to me, the ecstasy he could bring.
Desire became a tangible thing in that moment. Jordan stroked mine with his fingertips, feather-light touches that sent my system into overdrive. It wasn’t that I was being touched, it was who touched me that fueled my need.
Over and over I gasped his name, each slide of his fingers dampening the silk barrier between his skin and mine. And then, with utility poles and trees passing at an impossible rate, I tossed my head back and begged for something I couldn’t comprehend. I begged with a howl, my fingers twisting in my shirt.
I really had no idea what it was that I wanted him to do, no real concept of what my entire body tensed for, until he gave it to me. He knew. He’d given it to me before. Jordan’s fingers slipped beneath my panties and touched me there.
The gentlest of touches, over and over, as I broke across the rocks of pleasure like a rogue wave. I cried out, shaking in the truck, as our little town came into view in the distance.
For the longest time, I sat, gasping and shaking on the seat beside him. There had never been anything like that in my life. Never, not with anyone. It was possibly the most risqué thing I’d ever done. So many things with Caleb had left me tainted. With Jordan I was bolder, more alive, I was free.
“Oh…my…God.” I tossed my head back on the seat and laughed as he turned on the highway that headed back into town. The smug, self-satisfied look on his face that should have made him look too cocky made him more attractive.
I readjusted my clothing as I trembled with the aftershocks, but I didn’t panic, I didn’t think of anything but him.
I’d lived in the moment with Jordan. Or rather, he’d given me a moment to live. He didn’t ask for anything in return. When I tried, when I snaked my hand down his chest, he grabbed it and brought it to his lips. I was getting used to him doing that.
“No.” He kissed my knuckles and then the inside of my wrist. “What did you mean by ‘someone else’?”
I shifted one shoulder and looked out the window. I didn’t notice any of the familiar landmarks we passed. I couldn’t explain it to him and keep my secrets.
“You can trust me, Rae.”
The earnest sound in his voice forced my eyes closed. It was about trust, wasn’t it? I’d told myself I didn’t want to be pitied, but how could I worry about that after what he’d told me? I had to trust that he wouldn’t think worse of me, wouldn’t see me as I saw myself.
My secrets ate at me. They would eventually tear me open from the inside out. They would poison me, poison my happiness.
His lips pressed against my hair when he pulled to a stop in front of the old barn where he stored the truck. With the late afternoon sun ducking behind the trees, it was cooler in the shade cast by the building. So, I sat there for a while, trying to put my nightmare into words.
“Sometimes the first words are the hardest,” he whispered gently, as if he could read my thoughts.
He was right, there was no argument, so I dove right in. I had to. “I dated a guy, for about a year when I was gone, it didn’t exactly end well.”
Jordan didn’t say a word. He stared out across the field, past the barn, for so long that nervous butterflies started to build in my chest. They carried the words I needed to say but couldn’t find. They fought ever upward until they tumbled out of my mouth. “His name was Caleb. Good looking kid, in a lot of the same classes. He was local, knew a lot of people, and I didn’t know anyone. I was used to being here, knowing everyone, it was nice to have something similar there.
“He kept me from feeling so homesick, but…” I took a trembling breath. “He was so different from what I knew.”
“From me?” He didn’t look at me, much as I hadn’t looked at him in the diner. He gave me my space without leaving my side.
I swallowed back my shame on a quick nod of my head. “It was nice at first. I liked having his attention, I wasn’t used to that either. He said all the things that I thought I wanted to hear.” All the things I’d always wanted Jordan to say, but hadn’t. “He never told me to go. Even if I threw little fits for his attention.”
Beside me, Jordan flinched at the unintentional jab.
“The longer it went on the more possessive he got. I knew better, but I held on. I was isolated out there, at the time I didn’t have much of a choice but to stay with him. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have anyone else.”
“You could have come home, called me, called—”
I gave him a look and stopped short of rolling my eyes. “No, Jordan, I couldn’t.” Needing more space than I could find in the cab of the truck, I climbed out and walked to the fence. I took a deep, cleansing breath. Just a hint of honeysuckle and summer to settle my nerves. “After the last time I saw you, I couldn’t call you. I wanted to prove to myself I didn’t need you…or anyone else.”
Beside me his presence was quiet. I knew he was there without looking. When he spoke, it was my turn to look off into the field.
“I’m sorry, Raelynn, I didn’t mean for it to be like that.”
“There’s no reason for you to apologize. I think I blamed you for a lot, at first. But over the past few weeks, I’ve realized you had to do it. You love Devin too much. He’s your family, like Aiden and the rest of us. I know you’ll try to feel guilty about it, but really you can’t. I’ve always done my own thing, been my own person.” I rocked my shoulder against his. “How many times have you told me how stubborn I was?”
“I don’t think you get it, Rae. It wasn’t all because of Devin and it never really has been. Yes, he was a factor but…fuck…you were always so young, so innocent.” He shook his head. “It felt wrong. I couldn’t let myself look at you like that, I was supposed to protect you. We all were. It was our job to take care of you and Breanna.”
“And you did.” I smiled at him. I no longer saw the boy who broke my heart, but the man who’d believed he had no other choice. “Not many guys had the courage to ask me out when I was in high school. They were afraid of my brother and his friends.”
“I get the feeling I didn’t do too well,” he growled. His shoulders were set, his jaw tight. There was anger, anger because he couldn’t protect me. So angry already and he didn’t know the half of it.
“You can’t protect everyone all the time, Jordan.” I spoke quietly. When his only reply was a grunt, I gave up and started pulling at stray thread from my shorts. “Why do you do that? Why do you feel like you have to protect everyone?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because I got so good at protecting myself from everyone but…” He studied his hands. “I couldn’t protect myself from the person who should have loved me the most.”
I leaned my head against his shoulder. “Your mom should have protected you.”
He pulled the hat from his head and rubbed his hand across hair so short it was barely visible. “Yeah well, what’s done is done, we can’t change it.”
How would he feel when he realized he couldn’t protect me? How much blame would he place on himself? For the first time, there was an overwhelming desire to protect him from my truth. “Exactly. Do you want me to stop now?”
He didn’t say anything at first, when he did it surprised me. “Nothing you tell me can change what I see when I look at you, Raelynn. I need to know. There shouldn’t be anything between us.”
Before today, I’d been afraid of that very thing. “It’s not that, not now. I just…promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”
“You’re here with me now.” He slid the hat back on and rubbed circles on the small of my back. It was the closest thing to a promise I was going to get.
“Don’t feel guilty because of some stupid shit I got myself into. I survived. I’m a stronger, smarter version of who I was before everything changed.” I leaned against the fence as the sun began to disappear. “I don’t hate myself anymore. I’m remembering all the good things in my life. You’ve helped me with that.” The more time I spent with Jordan, the less Caleb lurked in every shadowy corner, the less I heard his voice tearing me down. With Jordan in my life, Caleb ceased to exist.
I took a deep breath and forced myself to see him in my mind, to remember what he’d done to me. Instinctively, I reached for my throat. My fingertips tracing the ghost of healed bruises. Jordan didn’t miss it, instead he turned and took both my hands into his much larger ones.
The question in his eyes proved I wasn’t over as much of it as I thought I was.
“I…I—” I shook my head and closed my eyes.
“Tell me,” he whispered as he pulled me against that large expanse of chest. I nuzzled him and breathed in the scent of his cologne, of man, of summer. Jordan was my anchor.
“And you have to promise not to tell anyone. Not even Aiden or Breanna,” I pleaded.
“Raelynn—”
“Promise me, Jordan. There are some things that I don’t want them to know. Just like there are things you don’t want them to know.” He wouldn’t see me in that way. He’d survived so much worse. I trusted him with my secrets. I trusted him more than my own family.
He nodded his ascent against the top of my head and I took his silence as his promise. My faith in him was that strong.
“I didn’t want to have sex with him. We’d come close—but I didn’t—he wasn’t you. Just like Hunter wasn’t you. Eventually, Caleb didn’t take no for an answer. He held me there, with his hands wrapped around my throat, until I blacked out… He raped me.”
I spit out the last words as if I could spit out the taste they left in my mouth. Beside me Jordan went rigid, like stone. His hands fell away to his sides and jerked my heart down with them.
When several long moments passed and he didn’t say anything, I sighed. “I let it go too far, I’d known I was letting Caleb take it too far. But flirting with that edge had seemed exciting. It had kept me from thinking about home and all the things I was missing. Because in truth, I’d never really wanted to leave. I left to prove a point, to myself…to you.” I left the fence, pacing, itching for movement.
“I came home realizing I never should have left, I’d never wanted to be anywhere else—” Anything else I was going to say was lost when he wouldn’t look at me. I needed him to look at me, to see me.
“Look at me, Jordan.” I waited, wrapping my arms around myself to fight back a nonexistent chill, until he brought his stormy gaze to mine.
That storm was filled with guilt and anger. I’d been naïve to ask him to feel neither.
“I let it go too far, I kept pushing the limits. I knew how he was. I knew it was only a matter of time until I pushed too far.” I faced my shame head on and took responsibility for it. I was no longer going to be a victim. “It was my fault.”
“Bullshit,” he snapped and moved so fast my head spun, he loomed over me. His words were terse, spoken through gritted teeth. “I don’t care how far you let him push, he should have stopped the second you said no.”
I’d pushed Jordan before. I’d seen him angry. Never angry like this. For the first time in my life, fear prickled at my skin because of Jordan. Not for me, he’d never hurt me. I feared for the damage he could do elsewhere. At that moment, he could lay waste to entire civilizations.
Words left my mouth in a rush as I tried to calm him. “It could have been worse, Jordan. He didn’t really hurt me.”
“The hell he didn’t!” he shouted. His large hands reached as if to grab me before they turned and gripped the fence hard enough for the wood to creak under the pressure. “Just because no one can see the scars, doesn’t mean they aren’t there, Raelynn! Each time you flinch away from me, each time you touch your throat, those are scars too. He hurt you.”
He was right, I couldn’t argue any of that. How many nights had I lain awake with the ghost of Caleb’s hands on my throat, saw Caleb’s face hovering over me as I fought for breath? Jordan had seen it too, more than once.
“It’s over, whatever it was, it’s done.” I placed a hand on his arm. The skin beneath my fingers was warm and the muscles trembled. He had my secrets now. The weight of them still bore down on my soul. Especially when he reached for me, then hesitated.
“The first time a man touched me after that, was you Jordan. From the moment you kissed me that night at the canning factory, I had new memories. After that, what he did to me didn’t matter as much.”
“I’m sorry, Rae.” He pulled his hat off and rubbed his head before settling it back. He kicked rocks around in the dirt. “I want to kill him. I want to choke the life out of him. I can’t tell you all the things I really want to do to him for what he did to you. You wouldn’t like that part of me, I spent a lot of years trying to bury that part of me…bury the part of me that comes from my father.”
That, I had expected.
“And when I look at you I want to make you forget him. But if I touch you right now, I’m so angry I’d be no better than him.”
“You aren’t him.” It was a simple statement, but no less true. I could never confuse the two men, no one could.
“No, I’m not.” He pulled me against his chest and looked down at me. “He’ll never touch you again.” It was more of a growl than a whisper.
“I know.” It was important for him that I understood. Just as it was important to me that he wasn’t ashamed to look at me, to touch me. I wasn’t dirty to him. We stood like that until the sun disappeared in the distance, me holding him as he trembled with rage. Right there, until he calmed and pressed his lips to my hair.
Apart we were both broken. Together we were whole.