Chapter Nineteen
Profound grief changes a person. Of all the experiences in my short life it was this, that changed me the most. Losing Devin changed all of us. The light that had slowly begun to creep back into my brother’s eyes was gone. Vic’s quick laugh had disappeared. Bree’s anger had waned.
In the days that followed the accident none of us did more than exist.
I would have given anything to have Devin back. Even with his anger, manipulations, and harsh words. I couldn’t smile. I couldn’t eat. I could barely crawl from bed in the mornings that followed the crash.
Nothing was the same without him—my long-time friend and brother of my heart.
The very worst part, however, was the painful guilt that seem to gnaw away at Jordan. I imagined his self-loathing only grew each time he saw me, so I spent my time at home in my own bed instead of at his house in his. If staying away helped him cope, I would do it. Not that he would say it to me. He would never intentionally bring pain to anyone other than himself.
I’d walk away from Jordan, from everything, to have Devin back for five more minutes. I’d do anything to take the guilt from Jordan’s eyes.
To share your grief with others affected seemed commonplace when someone died. It explained the constant flow of people in and out of Jordan’s house and ours. Hunter even came to Jordan’s, sitting on the porch with friends sharing stories about Devin.
I didn’t share much of anything with anyone. Even during the days after the accident I still hadn’t cried, hadn’t truly expressed my grief as everyone else had. I was moving along, caught in that same mental black and white nightmare of flashing images.
I was surprised to find Hunter in my kitchen, not long after he’d been at Jordan’s. “Hey, beautiful.” He stood from the table and hugged me. “How are you holding up?”
Bree had been entertaining him at the table. She stood and walked mindlessly from the room when I entered. We weren’t back to normal, she and I, but we managed to exist in the same world without fighting. For now, it was enough.
“He blames himself.” I pulled out a chair and sat rigidly. “I see it every time I look at him.” I needn’t tell Hunter who I spoke of.
“He would have never put that much power in Devin’s car.” Hunter gave his head a weary shake. “Not with Devin driving. I can see why he feels guilty. But, it’s not his fault.”
I stayed motionless, the numbness creeping in as the sun began to set. “I can tell him that, but he won’t listen. Because, like me, he probably keeps playing the wreck over and over again in his mind. Every time I close my eyes I see the car rolling, I see Jordan cradling his limp body—” I cried, for the first time since Devin died the hot tears streamed down my face. “And if I see that, then what’s he seeing?”
Hunter took a seat, his hand sliding across the table to gently squeeze mine.
“It crushes my soul to think of the pain he’s in, to know that I’m the reason for it,” I continued, looking at the place where Hunter’s hand covered mine.
“We all know what we’re signing up for.” He rocked the chair back on its hind legs as he slipped his hand off mine. Mom would have swatted him had she seen him leaning her chair back like that. The muscles corded in his thighs and he rolled his shoulders lazily. As attractive and appealing as Hunter was to most women, there’d always been someone more attractive to me.
Yet, there Hunter was, sitting across from me at the kitchen table and offering comfort. At the heart of it all, he was my friend. “We all know the risks.”
“Yeah, but that won’t change how he feels. And not only because of the wreck—”
He cut me off before I got started on my relationship with Jordan. “There’s that.” The chair thumped loudly on the floor as he sat it back down. “But neither of you can take the blame for what you feel for each other. It happens, you can’t control what you heart wants.”
“Easier said than done,” I huffed and picked at my cuticles.
“True, but…we went out when you first came home.” He drummed his fingers on the table. “You didn’t see me calling you names in front of everyone we know. Nobody forced Devin to act like he did, to take the chances he did. That’s on him and only him, not you and Jordan.”
“It’s different with you, Hunter—”
“No, It’s not. When Jordan Slater finally saw what was right in front of his face, I knew my last shot was gone. Maybe I should have tried harder, but at the end of the day? You’re where you’re supposed to be, you’d never have loved me or Devin like you love Jordan.”
“Ain’t that the damn truth.” The back door swung open as my brother came in the kitchen followed by Vic and several others. All friends, all people who cared about Devin, who had loved him in their own way. That’s where Jordan was different. Jordan and Aiden, they had several people they kept close. For everyone else, there could be respect, but not friendship. Vic and Devin were different, they made friends everywhere they went.
My kitchen filled up quickly after that. By the time Jordan’s large shoulders filled in the back door, it became apparent this wasn’t a normal visit. They were planning the funeral and for something special after, per Devin’s mother’s request.
It grew too warm, too crowded, in my kitchen.
Everything became all too real.
I escaped outside and into the night.
Jordan followed me out a few seconds later. I wanted to go to him, but the look on his face stopped me. To watch someone you love hate themselves that much was agonizing, it tore away at the seams of your soul, so that little pieces leaked out.
“His mother thanked me.” His voice resonated with a haunting pain. “Thanked me for all I’d ever done for him.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” I whispered. When he said nothing, I hurried on, his silence worrying me. “I watched it happen, there was nothing you could have done.”
He started off the porch and passed me down the steps, but stopped at the bottom. His face hidden in the shadows cast from the lights of my kitchen. “I didn’t have to race him.”
“Nobody forced him to race you either, Jordan.” He wasn’t listening, he was already halfway home. My heart broke for him, for all of us. I chased Jordan across the street, doubling my steps to catch up to him. “You can’t let it eat away at you.”
He snorted. “I can’t? I deserve worse.”
“No. You don’t. If you do, then so do I.” I grabbed at his arm, forcing him to slow his pace.
Jordan shook off my hand and spun on me, stopping us in the gravel in front of the garage. “Raelynn, you don’t get it.” He pulled off his hat and rubbed his head, frustration rolling off him in waves. “I could spend the rest of my life knowing he hated me as long as he was alive to feel it. But he’s not, because I killed him.”
The shock of his words slapped me in the face. I swayed on my feet from the force of his conviction. “No,” I whispered with a vehement shake of my head. “You have to know you didn’t. Bear the brunt of the guilt all day long, but don’t build that guilt with lies.”
“Lies?” He laughed without humor.
“He crossed, Jordan.” Devin’s car went over the centerline and into the other lane, clipping Jordan’s fender and causing the accident.
“He crossed because he put too much power in. Hell, he couldn’t hold it. He did all that to beat me! Ten to one that his tires had too many passes on them! I’d told him weeks ago he needed to put another weld in his restraints. I know he didn’t because he was tossed around in that car like a ragdoll. If he’d been with me? I’d have made sure he changed the slicks, and I’d have welded the fucking belts down myself.”
“But you weren’t, Jordan. That was his choice.” When I tried to touch him, he pulled away.
His dark eyes had gone from anguished to something else, something darker. “Was it?”
“What do you mean? He made the choice to work with someone else, he made the choice—” My words were rushed in my panic. Losing Devin hadn’t been the realization of my biggest fear, the thing that scared me the most was poised on Jordan’s lips. I tried to cling to hope, to still the rapid fire beat of my heart.
“He made those choices because of me, Raelynn, because I made my own choices…” He looked away from me. “Probably the wrong choices.”
When he’d rejected me that first time, years ago, I’d only thought I knew what a broken heart was. What I’d experienced then, as a naïve young girl was nothing compared to the pain of this moment. My heart was ripped from my chest. I even clutched a hand there in defense, as if to push the organ back in as I staggered several steps.
I waited, praying he would take it back, but I could see it on his face, he wasn’t taking it back.
Not now, not ever.
Bree got her spine, the doggedness that made her Breanna, from our mother. I never thought I had a lick of it until that moment. I’d lost so much, too much, we all had. Yet, it was sheer will that forced words past my lips, that seemed to keep him rooted in place. “You’ll never hear me say that we are a mistake. But, I will not stay here and be the crutch for your guilt to stand on.”
I shoved my hands in my pockets and backed away, calling over my shoulder when I put enough distance between us that he wouldn’t see me cry. “You know, I loved Devin as much as you did. But, I never loved him like I love you. I can’t change that.”
I dug deep for more strength and determination. “I won’t change it.”
I locked myself in my room for the rest of the night, crying myself to sleep. All the good things I’d had were slipping through my hands. Everything I touched was crumbling to nothing. When I’d made the decision to leave school, it had been the smartest decision I could have made. Now that everything had gone so horribly wrong, I began to question if I should have come back.
And then I was too drained, too numb to care.
****
The morning of the funeral dragged slowly by. My anxiety built until it was a tangible thing, yet still I couldn’t push it away. This was the final goodbye. After today I couldn’t close my eyes and imagine it wasn’t real.
Oddly, I imprinted everything to memory. I didn’t want to forget a single detail. If I did, it would somehow disrespect Devin’s memory.
This was all I had left of him.
I paid particular attention to the way we were dressed, because it was so out of character for all of us. Even Aiden, as he slipped through the front door with my nephew in his arms. He wore a suit of dark grays and black, and a tie. My sister and I wore dark dresses and our hair loose.
“He’d have been surprised to see you both in dresses,” my brother spoke with a sad smile.
“I wear dresses.” Breanna thrust her chin up in defiance. Her eyes swollen from crying she’d evidently done in private.
“When, Bree?” Aiden asked with a raised brow. Breanna didn’t respond, merely stalked off, her long strides eating up the gravel. “What’s her deal?”
I snuggled against my brother’s side as my sister climbed into my parents’ car. “She loved him, Aiden.”
“Yeah.” He grunted. We stood like that for a long time, he in his suit with his arm over my shoulder, and me in my dress and new heels. Everything was wrong. Not the clothes, but the reason for us to wear them. I swallowed back the sense of perversion that hung over me.
Jordan’s truck rumbled to a stop beside our house only seconds after he fired it up. I was vaguely aware that I would ride with him to the funeral.
That, too, seemed wrong.
There had been a finality to our conversation last night. Riding with him now made me feel like a fraud. But, how we arrived at the funeral had been decided last night in the powwow in my kitchen. If I caused a scene now, if I stamped my foot down like a petulant child and refused to ride with him, it would take away from the respect we were all trying to give to Devin and his family.
Jordan strolled across the yard, even with a broken heart I couldn’t look away from him. The dark shirt and tie fit as if they’d been made especially for his large shoulders. The dark shades that hid his eyes added a layer of mystery.
I tried to ignore the punch of attraction when he approached me. “You ready?”
No, I wasn’t ready. I would never be ready for what we were about to do. I didn’t want to be thrust into a confined space with the man I loved, who couldn’t bear the sight of me. Nor was I ready to bury one of my best friends. I could tell him those things. It wouldn’t be difficult to give voice to the soul crushing pain inside me. Instead, I cast my bloodshot eyes up at my brother. There was understanding in the weak smile he gave me as he pulled me to him for another hug.
I managed to make my way to Jordan’s truck after I pulled from the safety of my brother’s embrace. One foot in front of the other became my mantra for that day. If I kept moving, eventually, it would be over. I could retreat into myself, get lost in my grief.
In the driver’s seat, Jordan’s back was straight and his face trained on the road in front of us. I would love him until the day I died. No matter what words he used to hurt me or what happened from this day forward. One universal truth remained…I would always be in love with Jordan Slater.
At the church my brother, Jordan, Vic, and several others sat up front with the family. Pallbearers, Devin would be their burden to carry, mirroring his relationship with them in life.
I was angry with Devin, a dead man. Far angrier than I’d been when he’d been alive, than when he’d called me a whore. Blinding rage replaced the crushing pain as I sat through the service, committing it all to memory on that flashing black and white reel. I had to push the anger down as the preacher spoke about life and loss and forgiveness. Push it away as the slide show on the large screen gave us glimpses of Devin as a little boy all the way through life to him with all of us.
There was even a picture of him and me at my senior prom. From across the pew, Bree’s eyes bored holes into me. I didn’t turn to face her, instead focused on Jordan’s back in front of me. He never moved, not once. Aiden’s shoulders shook with anguished tears, but not Jordan’s. I let his strength strengthen me and remembered Devin wasn’t the only one I was angry with.
The pain finally came as I stood graveside watching Devin’s mother crumble as they lowered the casket into the ground. There was pain for all we had lost, the infinite possibilities for a handsome guy with a sweet smile.
The anger would come again, but for that moment I let my heart ache with loss.
“It’s like being on an out of control roller coaster,” I said to no one in particular as we waited down the hill for the pallbearers to leave the gravesite. My parents had just left, making sure to hug Bree and I close as they did. I was thankful for them, for their love and support, and I was reminded Jordan had none of that.
I ached for him.
“Up and down?” Hadley asked as she wiped at the smeared mascara on her cheek.
“One second I’m so angry I can’t stand myself, the next I want to cry.” But, I didn’t cry.
Bree snorted with disgust and pushed off my brother’s truck. “Go cry on Jordan’s shoulder, Raelynn.”
I was tired of fighting, of the shade she continuously threw in my direction. I wasn’t going to be baited into more of her drama.
“Yeah, Breanna.” Resigned, I sighed. “That’s something that will make you happy.”
“What?” Her eyes rolled emphatically.
“Jordan no longer has a shoulder for me to cry on, Breanna.” I walked away, waving Hadley off when she tried to follow. Instead, I sat alone in Jordan’s truck until they’d finished with Devin’s parents.
I was rewarded with a stone-cold quiet ride to the spot we usually raced at. He never spoke to me, not a single word. There, in the middle of the day, all of Devin’s friends did burnouts and made passes down the street in tribute to their fallen friend.
Car after car, until the air was filled with the acrid smoke of burnt rubber. There was comfort to be found in the smell of that rubber, in the sounds of the engines as they hauled ass down the strip of concrete.
I stood off to myself, the wind whipping my skirt back against my legs as pain and anger battled for position inside me. My brother and Jordan stood in the thick of it, stripped down to nothing but their dark pants and the white undershirts. Jordan’s ball cap was back in place, shielding the sun from his eyes.
In that moment they were both so vibrant, so strong. If I could see Jordan only that way, everything would be okay. I couldn’t. I could still picture a different version of Jordan. I could see him cradling Devin’s lifeless body, see the look in his eyes as he told me that our being together might not have been worth it.
I’d forced myself to ride with him today. As if to be with him for this short amount of time would somehow ease the hurt. But being here with him, yet being completely alone, scoured me raw.
“You okay?” Hadley’s voice was soft and as gentle as the watery smile on her face.
“No.” I shook my head. “I loved him.”
“We all did.”
I laughed at the irony in that moment. “I loved them both, you know.”
“Both? Who do you mean?” Confusion etched across her face.
I lifted a shoulder. “Devin and he died. I’ve been madly in love with Jordan for as long as I can remember and he says we’re a mistake. We’re over,” I choked out. “I followed my heart and it cost us Devin. I can’t stand here and watch Jordan blame himself or be someone else for him to blame.”
“Oh, honey, no.” Hadley wrapped her arm around me. “He’s dealing with a lot. Give him time to work it out.”
I was surprised that I didn’t cry. It was hard to with a heart-crushing ache lodged in my chest. “There isn’t any working it out. He said we were a mistake he should have never made and…my sister hates me.”
Hadley didn’t say anything for a long time, I was thankful for that. Instead, she held my hand as car after car roared past us. The power of the cars manifested in the rush of wind from each pass that carried the sound of screaming engines.
There was no thrill in any of it, not like I usually found in these moments.
My eyes were glued to the red Chevy truck that roared by us as Jordan made his pass, and still nothing. Nothing but emptiness. Coming here had been wrong. Jordan wasn’t at fault for this. I was. Breanna was right.
“I don’t want to go back home,” I whispered to Hadley. “I’m a coward.”
“No, you aren’t.” She gave my hand a squeeze. “Come stay at my apartment for a few days. There’s a futon in the other bedroom that my roommate left behind when she moved.”
I nodded. I didn’t deserve a friend like Hadley.
On his way back down, Jordan didn’t slow for me, not even a hesitation in acceleration. If I could have crumbled to pieces, I might have. If it wasn’t for Hadley’s grip on my hand I might not have remained standing.
It occurred to me as Hunter lined up for his run, that nothing was keeping me there.
On his return trip, I pulled free of Hadley’s hand. “I’ll go home and get my stuff and meet you back at your place.”
“Where are you going?” She started after me, but I waved her off.
I stepped out into Hunter’s path, the motor of his truck giving a low growl as he geared it down to slow in front of me. “I need to get out of here,” I told him through the open passenger window.
“What’s up, Rae?” Hunter’s face was a mask of indifference.
“I—” I took a centering breath. “I can’t.”
He nodded as if he understood perfectly, the mask fading quietly away. There was a type of love there, born of understanding and friendship. “You know, this is going to piss him off, right?”
I stopped shy of climbing in and thought about it for a long moment. “We’re not together anymore. What I do isn’t any of his damn business.”
He spoke on a sigh, as if he didn’t believe me. “Get in.”
When we passed Jordan, he looked. I could feel his eyes on me the entire way. There should have been some sort of vindication. Instead, the weight on my chest only got heavier.