Chapter Twenty-Seven
I should be happy. Wendy would be out of Aiden’s life now, mostly. I would stay with Jordan and start my life in earnest. Everything was falling into place for me like I always hoped it would.
Yet, a melancholy had settled over me. Aiden had tried and failed at marriage. His children would be raised by a loving father and grandparents, most likely without their mother. They would have family and know the love of the family, but I doubted Wendy was going to stick around. It wasn’t her style. She might have even gone after Jordan so that Aiden would leave her.
Aiden would live with the knowledge that he’d failed. Although he hadn’t, not truly. I knew because I’d thought the same thing when I’d left and when I’d come back. Even now, having lost Devin who we cared so much about, I didn’t feel like we’d won anything.
I wasn’t as happy as I should be. It seemed a heavy price had been paid for my happiness.
That night my parents’ small kitchen was packed with people and noise. It reminded me of how it was when we’d all been younger. Jordan and my dad stood on the far side. Both leaned against the bar with beers in their hands, surveying their surroundings. Mom flitted between the stove and the fridge, trying her best to cook enough food for all of us. Aiden sat at the table giving the baby a bottle, while his son smacked a toy car on the highchair top. The scene was warm and pleasant, leaving me happy and content as I sat next to my brother.
Hadley and Breanna came in the backdoor, bags in hand. More beer, I imagined. Vic sat across from my brother and tossed the occasional small scrap of paper napkin at him.
“So, I take it this means I’m couching it for a while?” Breanna asked as she plopped at the table and opened a beer. As the youngest, she would be the one relegated to the couch if I were still living here. “Or are we gonna bunk together like kids again?” She tipped her bottle at me.
Jordan caught my eyes from across the kitchen. I had a moment of sheer panic that I’m sure he could see. What if he’d changed his mind? Had he changed his mind?
His brows disappeared under his cap in question of my panic. No, he hadn’t changed his mind about me staying with him. I didn’t have to consider the offer, I’d already made up my mind. If he wanted me there, I was going to be there.
“Nah, after a day or two we can go back to the trailer, she was already gone when we got there to get my stuff.” With a practiced ease, Aiden moved the baby to his shoulder to burp her.
“What you need to do is go talk to the lawyer first thing Monday morning.” Mom spoke from her stance over the spaghetti sauce on the stove.
“It would be easier for you to stay here.” Breanna took a sip of her beer. “More help with the kids so you aren’t running yourself ragged.”
“Yeah, but I’m not going to put y’all out like that. My kids, my family. I’ll figure something out.”
Everyone had taken Jordan’s presence with me in stride, so I figured what I was about to say wouldn’t be too much of a shock. “You can have my room. I won’t be needing it.”
Hadley was the only one to give me a curious look, before looking from me to Jordan.
“I can stay with Jordan.”
Surprise etched on Breanna’s face. “No shit?”
“Breanna!” My mom swatted her with a towel.
“No really,” she said, ducking the terrycloth blow. “Y’all worked things out?”
“Something like that.”
From beside my dad, the corner of Jordan’s mouth twitched. My father, took it in stride managing a shrug that mirrored my brother’s. It was as if neither had ever expected anything else out of Jordan and me.
When my dad caught me looking, he finally spoke. “What? I was glad you didn’t wind up pregnant at sixteen, as much as you mooned after him. From that point on, I was good with whatever.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Dad.”
“You’re welcome.” He winked.
When Molly fussed in my brother’s arms, Jordan took her and slipped out the back door. I followed him, marveling at how small the baby looked against his chest.
“Too hot and too loud in there, huh, kiddo?” It was endearing to hear him call her that, to hear him cooing at her as she settled down. “There we go,” he whispered and kissed her head as she gurgled her way to sleep.
“You look good like that,” I told him.
“Yeah?” He laughed as he started pacing to keep her sleeping. “Her brother was the first baby I ever held.”
“Really? You’re a natural.”
“Yup, usually they scare me. Until Aiden had one. Then it was like hanging out with a tiny Aiden.”
As simplistic as it was, it made perfect sense to me. “Yeah, I see that.”
He stopped walking long enough to drop a kiss on my lips, and she started to fuss again. Without missing a beat, he started back moving across the porch to keep her happy. She already had all the men I cared about wrapped around her little finger.
The amount of love in my heart at that very moment made it easy to forget anything bad that had passed between me and Jordan.
Emotion hit me like a truck, sending me reeling so that I had to hold onto the rail to keep myself anchored to the porch. I could see him holding our own daughter when we had one, cradling her to his chest as he cradled my niece. His niece too, as Aiden and Jordan were the closest thing to brothers either had.
“What are you thinking, Rae?” Jordan asked me as raucous laughter rang out from the kitchen. I gave a wry smile and shook my head. Some things weren’t ready to be said, not yet, not when this was so fresh and new. “Whatever it is, I say yes.” He kissed baby Molly’s hair.
“Just like that?”
“Yeah, anything that makes you look that happy is something I want to be a part of.”
His words freed my heart from the melancholy I’d had. I snuggled against his side, enjoying the warmth of him and the soft, breathy sounds of my niece sleeping on his chest. We stood there for a long time and watched her sleep, not going in until we were called for dinner.
That night as I packed a bag for Jordan’s, my brother was popping up the portable crib in my room for my niece. So much could change in twenty-four hours. I’d had that thought repeatedly the day after Devin had died. It had been a terrible, crushing blow. Now it meant something completely different. These changes were welcome ones. Life was like that.
“I keep thinking that it should be messed up that everyone is happy that I’m getting a divorce,” Aiden mused as he put the finishing touches on the crib.
“I’m sort of sad that it’s happening.” I folded a shirt twice in contemplation. “Though, more so that it didn’t work out for you and for the kids. I have to admit to a certain level of relief that you’re done with her.”
“Yeah, me too.” He laughed and looked down at his sleeping son. “I got the two best parts of my life from her, though.”
My lips curved as I kissed his cheek. “They are pretty great.”
“I’m glad you worked it out with Jordan.”
“Don’t listen to him, he’s glad he gets this room all to himself.” Breanna leaned against the door frame and spooned a heaping mound of ice cream into her mouth. “And I’m glad you aren’t moping anymore.”
We both glared at her.
“What?” She drew the word in the air at our expressions. “You’ve both been moping for a while. I’m relieved it’s over.”
“In her way”—I laughed and nudged my brother—“she just said she loved us and is glad we are both happy.”
“We love you too, Breezy.” Aiden was in good humor when she stuck her tongue out at him.
“Wow, he hasn’t called you that in years,” I marveled.
“She used to threaten me with death and dismemberment.” He gestured at his sleeping son. “I’m safe from that as long as I keep the kids near me.”
“I love you both.” I stopped as I passed Breanna and grinned impishly. “I’m going home. It feels weird to walk out of here saying I’m going home. This was always home.”
“It always will be.” Aiden pulled us both together in a group hug, Breanna grunting the entire time. “As long as we’re family anywhere can be home.”
He was right, but Jordan’s house was home too. That was my home now because Jordan was family too. My family. My home, my guy, my life. I wasn’t playing at it.
I was living it.
When I went to bed that night, I slipped into bed with the man I loved knowing that our love had been worth fighting for.
****
It took a few weeks, but Jordan and my brother managed to get the Malibu ready to run in The Street King Showdown. I was a little shocked the promoter wanted to finish it. Yes, racers crash, drivers get injured, or worse. All those things were part of the thrill of racing. But Devin had been our friend, he’d meant something to those at the heart of the street racing scene here.
It seemed wrong.
I confessed my doubts to Jordan as he put the finishing touches on the car.
“The profits made from The Street King Showdown fund the track’s bills for the entire year. So, the little guys, like Aiden, can keep their cars together and racing. Finishing it up, even late, is making that money. Add people’s morbid curiosity, should put the track well into the black.”
“It feels wrong.” I twisted the polishing cloth he handed me.
“It feels wrong because you’re afraid. It’s good for Arkadia, Raelynn.”
“Afraid?” I balked.
“Yeah, of going back and reliving it…of watching it happen again.”
I’d thought it would be the memories that got me. Until I met Jordan’s eyes and remembered how close I’d come to losing him. I was a Casey, that I feared the race had never occurred to me. I fought off the cold chill that settled across my skin with a shiver. “I don’t want to see it in my head happening repeatedly or to remember how close I came to losing you.”
“Me either.” He cupped my face and rubbed his thumbs across my lips. “So, I’ll look at you every time and remember you instead.”
“And win.” My last name was synonymous with being competitive.
He kissed me hard. “Well, yeah.”
“For Devin?” My throat was so tight I almost couldn’t say his name.
“And for us.”
****
Pulling into the track for the second coming of The Street King Showdown was much more nerve wracking than it had been the first time. There was a sense that we were missing an important part of our unit. There was no hope for a maybe next time. Our friend was really gone. Yet, life would always carry on. I slid my hand over Jordan’s as he pulled through the gate and into the pits.
A small crowd gathered around our rig as Jordan parked. Hunter, Vic, and others greeted us as soon as we stepped out of the truck. This too, was family, and it was healing. The tension slowly left Jordan’s shoulders while we unstrapped and unloaded the car.
We got to watch a few races too, to be spectators as other cars raced down the virgin surface backward toward the start line. The first part of the day was the round robins to fill the spots in the final eight that had opened with Devin’s death and one no show. A group of drivers paid the buy-in fee and raced in two different brackets. The winner of each bracket moved on to the big show.
I tried not to think about how easily our friend was replaced in this race. In truth, I tried not to think much of those first few races at all. I needed to find out if I could see the track without replaying the accident.
It wasn’t easy, but I could do it.
Eric Marshall, the skeevy out-of-town, no-prep guy raced his way back in. There was something about him that rubbed me wrong. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one, most the bets were already against him.
“Wanna go grab me a drink?” Jordan asked not long after those races, as he wiped sweat from his brow. He tuned the car as we waited on the track crew to get everything ready. Jordan would run second.
I walked the small distance to the concession stand with a nervous tightening of my stomach. I really hadn’t wanted to leave him. The last time we’d been here, our entire lives had changed. I hadn’t expected to be this nervous, this frightened. A few tenths of a second and he’d have been swept up in the crash far worse than he was. If I knew these things, so did Jordan. And it wouldn’t be long before he’d be strapping in to race down the same track he’d raced when Devin had died.
I worried for Jordan. I practically tossed the money at the girl behind the counter, I was so nervous and ready to get back to him.
As I stepped away from the concession stand a familiar, sickening laugh slithered into my thoughts. At first, I blamed it on the nerves. My heart stopped when I heard it a second time. Some of Jordan’s soda sloshed out onto the pavement as I started to shake with fear.
Frantically, I twisted my head to the left and right, searching. For a split-second, I caught a glimpse of my nightmare. I reached up and brushed my throat for the first time in months.
Through the thick crowd that had gathered at the track, in part by the fall out of the crash, I fought to see Caleb again. My heart pounded a terrified beat in my chest, and I despised both him and myself.
I was overcome with the unbridled terror of being alone in a crowd. I was vulnerable and reeling. It took everything I had not to sprint back to our pit. As it was, I was two stepping it as the crowds shifted to watch a few grudge races on the main part of the track.
“You all right, Rae?” my sister asked when I practically ran her over as I rounded the corner of the trailer.
“Yeah, fine.” I waved her off and gave Jordan his drink. For a long moment, I stood there, safe with him.
“What’s up, baby?” he asked me after a swallow of soda.
“Nothing, I…” I shook my head and took a steadying breath. Back in familiar territory, the entire thing seemed silly. Of course, I hadn’t seen Caleb here. This wasn’t his scene. That was one of the reasons I’d been drawn to him. He would have no reason to know I was here, either. He’d never really cared about my life back home. He wouldn’t have followed me, couldn’t have. “It was dumb.”
When I tried to laugh it off, Jordan caught my chin and turned my face up to his. “Spill it.”
“I thought I saw Caleb here.” I spat it out fast and instantly chastised myself for even saying it out loud.
“Where?” His concern was instantaneous.
“Over by the concession stands.” I pointed off in the direction I’d come from.
“That’s where that asshole Marshall is parked.” He turned that way, never once questioning what I’d seen. So much taller than me, he could see over most of the crowd. I only saw a sea of bodies and cars. “Did you see what he was wearing?”
“No, I thought I heard him laughing and then when I looked for a second I saw him. I glimpsed his face as he was turning the other way and walking off. I tried to see where he went, but he was swallowed up by the crowd. I thought about chasing after him. Then I panicked and ran back here.”
“You thought about doing what?” His head snapped around. “Raelynn, what would you have done if you’d found him? If that was him? And if it is, do you think it’s a coincidence he’s here?”
Jordan was pissed, his anger tainted his tone. He slipped his cap off to run his hand over his head and down his face in agitation.
“Who?” Aiden asked walking around the side of the trailer with a hydraulic jack in his hand.
Jordan’s eyes held mine for a long moment. Silently, I begged him to keep my secrets. There were some things I didn’t want my brother to know, even if my sister did. This was one of those things.
“Nobody.” Jordan sent me an angry look of warning. The sort of look that told me if I even attempted to walk away from that trailer alone he’d embarrass us both.
I didn’t need much convincing to stay put. The more time that passed, the sillier I felt. But if it had been Caleb I saw, Jordan was right. It wasn’t a coincidence.