Chapter Nine
I didn’t see Jordan the rest of the week, at least not up close. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t glanced out my bedroom window more than once, just to catch a glimpse of him lifting weights in his garage.
I saw Devin several times.
“Hey there, Raelynn.” His voice softened with affection when he talked to me. Even in the noisy speed shop you could tell he spoke to me differently than my sister or Hadley.
The sun glinted gold as it hit Devin’s hair, blue eyes twinkled with happiness. Was he that happy just to see me? My stomach turned even as I forced a tight smile. I cared for him, I wanted to see him happy. My feelings for him were different than those he seemed to have for me.
I couldn’t give him what he wanted, no matter how much I wished I could.
“Hey, D.” I didn’t flinch when he hugged me. But, a piece of my heart broke away.
“Don’t look like your best friend died, damn,” he joked when I couldn’t keep the emotion from showing.
If I chose to ignore what everyone else observed, I still saw my friend. There was just Devin with his bright smile and the easy way he was with everyone. He always made us comfortable when he was around. He was Devin, regardless of everything else, he was Devin. The need to constantly remind myself of that sucked. “I’m sorry, I’ve got a lot on my mind.”
“Being back home is a big adjustment, I bet.”
“Eh, something like that. It’s a different rhythm for sure.” I couldn’t tell him that my biggest adjustment was dealing with Jordan and how he turned me inside out. I couldn’t confide in him as I had before. Everything between us had changed.
“How’s it going with Hadley? I really miss your mom being here, but Hadley has everything running smoothly.” As if he could sense what was bothering me, he navigated our conversation to smoother water.
“Hadley’s awesome.” I smiled over my shoulder at Hadley, while she worked in her office. We were lucky to have found her for the business, I was lucky to have found a friend.
“Want to line me up tomorrow night?” I’d done that very thing dozens of times for my brother, for Jordan. It was as simple as walking in front of the car and directing him back into the sticky black marks his burnout had left behind. Then, pulling him up to the starting line.
Every part of my being shouted “No.” It would give him the wrong idea. One look at the hope in his eyes and I couldn’t say no. I would break his heart in so many other ways, I couldn’t do it right then.
“I was planning on flying under the radar after last weekend.” The race would be packed. There were only a few more Saturday nights before The Street King Showdown.
He gave me the classic blue puppy dog stare down. I couldn’t help myself, I laughed. Things between us were different, but some things were still the same. I’d always have a soft spot for Devin McAllister.
“But—” I pointed at him. “Since it’s Isaac you’re running, I’ll line you up and save Vic the headache of choosing between you and his brother.”
He winked at me and sauntered off. There was a cockiness to Devin as well. Unlike with Jordan, it was an arrogance bred from getting his way. The biggest difference between Devin and Jordan wasn’t in appearance. Jordan Slater had fought for everything he had, Devin hadn’t. That difference was an important one.
By the time Hunter showed up and offered to take me to lunch, I jumped at the chance to take a break. Hunter wasn’t Jordan and he wasn’t Devin, nor was he any member of my family. Hunter was a completely unbiased party in terms of my love life. Other than the part where he wouldn’t turn down his shot at a being a part of it.
Even if he’d jump at the chance, it dawned on me as I sat across from him at the sandwich shop, he didn’t look at me the way Devin did. Nor did he look at me the way Jordan did. When he looked at me, I could feel the mutual attraction. But instead of real feelings, his eyes flashed back at me with flirtatious good humor.
“What?” he asked through a bite of sandwich as I studied him.
“What do you know about me?”
“That you’re hot, you know cars, you live and breathe racing, and you make me laugh. You’re a cool chick to hang out with.” He winked as he took sip of his drink.
“No, I mean about…did you ask me out way back when to get under Jordan and Aiden’s skin?”
He sat back in thought for what seemed like an eternity. “Yeah, maybe, Jordan mostly. He’s always been a sanctimonious prick.”
“I can’t argue with that.” I pushed the food around on my plate with my fork. Jordan could be a sanctimonious prick when he wanted to be. He could also be fiercely protective, funny, kind, and so many other things. There he was again, sneaking in through the cracks and filling up the empty spaces of my soul.
Hunter’s words cut into my straying thoughts about Jordan. “But, I knew you were kind hearted. That you liked to watch races but couldn’t care less about working on cars. That you’re smart enough to get a scholarship, but Arkadia will always be your home. I know that if I needed anything at all, you’d be there. Because you never take more than you give.”
“What if I sat here and told you I couldn’t see you anymore, because of Jordan, what would you say?”
The booth creaked as he leaned back, his face thoughtful. “That it’s been fun, but this has never been anything serious, never was. Not for either of us. I’d hoped that we’d always be friends. Which goes back to the cool chick to hang out with part.”
“Who might occasionally have sex?” I raised my brow.
“Nah, I don’t poach for real. I don’t do occasional.”
And that was one of the reasons we probably would remain friends. Hunter was a good guy, but more he was a good friend to me and had always been. Around him I could relax, let my guard down, and be myself. I couldn’t do that with Jordan. The way Jordan made me feel was anything but relaxed.
I hugged Hunter outside the shop when he dropped me off. Hunter was hot, smart, and would be serious husband material someday. But, not mine. All my previous relationships stood as proof that I didn’t need to ever be married. I’d always wonder what if. What if Jordan had said yes, what if I’d never left. Too many what ifs.
Absently, I touched the thin gold chain at my throat. I’d worn it for the first time that day, for the first time in a very long time. I could remember the birthday I’d received it. My brother, Vic, and Jordan had pooled what little cash they could spare to buy me jewelry for my thirteenth birthday. Touched, I’d worn it daily until Jordan had broken my heart.
I’d worn it today to remind me of who I had been and who I was. I needed a lot of reminding of that when I saw Jordan leaned against the counter. I shouldn’t have been surprised he was there. In truth, other than his garage, the most likely place I’d run into him was the shop.
How did you not notice his truck? I always seemed to be looking for him, even when I was a kid. I was off my game, I wasn’t myself. That’s what he was doing to me.
“I brought my grandfather’s sixty-five to be put on the dyno,” he said gruffly when I came in.
My gaze slid to the thick glass that separated the shop from the front office. The old truck gleamed with new red paint and chrome. I gave a low appreciative whistle. “I’m betting you didn’t spend all of your restoration fund on cosmetics.”
He grunted in response. I tried to ignore the arrogance in his stance or the dark way his eyes glinted. It wasn’t easy to ignore the angry statement in his silent presence behind me, nor the tiny rush of adrenaline surging through my system.
“What’s your deal?” I failed.
“I don’t have a deal.” The air crackled with the tension of his voice. Yeah, he was pissed.
“Okay, sure you don’t.” I could be just as sarcastic as my sister when I wanted to be.
For several long seconds, all I could hear were his deep breaths and the ticking of the large clock on the wall.
“After everything that happened between us…and still Hunter?” There it was, his deal.
“It was lunch with a friend.” That was true, truer than it ever had been. My heart beat a hopeful rhythm.
“Would you go to lunch with Devin?”
I could have lied, said that I would, but right now I knew I couldn’t. Not at the risk of letting Devin think I thought more of him than I did. “You know I wouldn’t.”
“Because you wouldn’t want him thinking it was a date.”
It was my turn to grunt, because he was right. Though, Hunter was very different from Devin. Hunter didn’t think he was in love with me, he was safe.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” came Jordan’s snarling reply. His jealousy was evident, but there was something more. Round and round we went, I was getting dizzy and still I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I didn’t know what I wanted to do.
“Is Hunter racing this weekend? He hasn’t called me out.”
I looked up from the service orders I’d busied myself with. Jordan hooked his thumbs in his pockets and all but glared at me, as if daring me to answer.
“Actually no. He burnt out a piston. So, he’s replacing it this weekend.” I shoved the papers in a file. At that moment, I didn’t really care if Hunter raced Jordan.
He grinned, puffing out the large expanse of his chest proudly. His silence on the matter of Hunter’s race car problems told me everything. Jordan had never been concerned with Hunter and his truck. He had the fastest car on the street.
It was Hunter’s relationship with me that concerned him.
I gave up an exasperated sigh. “Jesus, you’re cocky.”
His full laugh came with an ease born in that arrogance. “Nah. I’m confident. There’s a difference.”
“Keep telling yourself that.” I stopped just short of walking back into Hadley’s office. I couldn’t bring myself to walk out of the room and leave him standing there.
Aiden gestured at Jordan through the glass.
“That’s my cue.” He stopped at the door and turned back to me. “If you aren’t seeing him to piss me off anymore, then why are you still seeing him at all?”
There wasn’t any arrogance now. I fidgeted with my fingers in front of me. “It’s really not that way. He’s a friend and right now I really need one.” Really, if I had to say that one more time, my head might explode.
This time I didn’t wait around to see what he had to say and left him standing there, instead I turned and went off to find Hadley. Jordan’s attitude or not, I had a job to do. I still had a life to live.
I couldn’t remember how old I was when Jordan’s opinion of what I did started to matter. I suppose, as with everyone else, at some point it just did. Jordan’s opinion weighed heavy on all of us. He was the core of our group, the part that was steadfast and honest. We all wanted to emulate that and to appease it. We wanted to be worthy of his friendship, of his high regard.
It was stupid. He wasn’t any better than any of us.
Yet, here I was, worried that he was insulted or threatened by my relationship with Hunter. A relationship I had started to get his goat. A friendship I found myself relying on. Especially now, when I couldn’t trust myself around Jordan and couldn’t risk Devin taking our friendship the wrong way.
****
Saturday night came quickly. Admittedly, I was the Raelynn of old leaning against Jordan’s rig, watching the grudge races. In the distance, Rascal had a small group of spectators at the finish line. We had so many people in the vacant industrial park that more than a few police scanners were fired up and being monitored. A crowd this large attracted attention, no matter how many powers-that-be you paid off.
Two pit-bunnies flounced by as Devin readied the Camaro with Jordan. Jealousy narrowed my eyes, though not for Devin who flirted easily with them. I was jealous because it was Jordan’s attention they sought. Jordan glanced across the hood of the black car to see if I’d seen the two girls try to flirt with him. When my lips tightened, he smiled.
Cocky bastard.
Frustrated as much with my own reaction as the two flirty chicks, I pushed off the truck and went in search of my sister.
“Hey, don’t run off too far we’re up in two!” Devin called after me.
I gave him a thumbs-up without looking back. I wouldn’t give Jordan the satisfaction of me turning back to see if the bunnies were still there.
I found Breanna not far away, talking to Vic by her truck. I was surprised to see Hadley turn from beside her and wave.
“This is exciting!” The cute little blonde was in awe.
“First time?” Though I could tell by the spark of excitement in her eyes, it was.
“Yeah, to a street race. I feel…rebellious. It’s cool though, I’ve met a lot of these people, now I get to see them in action.” She laughed. I couldn’t help but let her obvious excitement rub off on me.
“I can’t believe you’ve lived here this long and haven’t gotten sucked into one of these yet.” Vic gave her signature ponytail a tug. “It’s about time we got you out.”
Hadley shrugged. “I went to the track a few times to watch Aiden.”
I followed her gaze to where Aiden stood amidst a group of women with far too much makeup and far too little clothing. The bunnies were often cute, younger, and weren’t sucking on menthols and chugging from solo cups filled with vodka. At one time, these women had been classified as pit-bunnies. Those days were long gone, however. My sister-in-law held court among them, plastered against my brother as if she actually gave a damn.
It made my stomach roll.
“Yeah, me too.” My sister read the look on my face and clutched a hand to her flat stomach. “Makes me want to vomit when I see her here.”
We both ignored the sort of sad, weary look that crossed Hadley’s face. How would I feel if Jordan dated someone else? If I had to sit back and watch him interact with his wife? I snapped back to reality like a whip. I had to stop thinking of him like that.
When I looked back he was standing there, watching me. I could read the heat in his gaze even at that distance. My skin tingled with gooseflesh as I followed Vic up to the start line. There was arrogance in Jordan there too, he knew what he could make me feel.
I lined Devin up, using my left hand to mime my brother’s gestures behind the car. We directed Devin as he backed up into the rubber laid on the concrete during his burnout. My closed fist signaled his stop. Even as I jogged behind the car in the dark his engine revs grew higher. The roar of it drowning out the buzz from Isaac’s import.
It was an easy win as they tore off down the dark street. I was impressed that Isaac even kept up. Devin might not be Jordan or Aiden’s caliber of driver, but Jordan had helped him build that car. As long as he kept it straight, the car would put in the work for him.
“You going to Jordan’s tonight?” Vic grinned in the way big brother’s do, when their little brother gets put in his place for being too cocky. He tossed an arm over my shoulder. “Word is Aiden and Wendy are actually going.”
“Yeah, I saw her holding court with the ʻout-of-date’ bunnies.”
“She’s a cow.” He left me to jog off in the direction of Devin’s rig, his upper lip curling a bit.
As much as it was a bad idea on every level, I had to go to the party. Everyone else was going to be there, from my brother to Hadley. I had to make an appearance. If I didn’t, people would talk.
In a small town like ours, people always talked.