Chapter Twenty-Two
The detachment I’d so desperately sought settled in as the week dragged on. Through that numbness, I’d come to the conclusion that my actions, my own foolish heart, had devastated us all. I had to take responsibility for that, own it. If I’d only waited, if I’d distanced myself from Jordan perhaps things would have been different. Maybe Devin would still be alive and Jordan and I could have made a real go at it.
Now, I tried to give Jordan as much space as possible.
Before the accident, I questioned why Aiden stayed with Wendy even when she made him miserable, when everyone knew she was messing around on him. I understood now, that if you selfishly sought your own happiness, you could ruin the lives of the people you loved most. Aiden understood that, I respected him for his choices. He put the happiness of his children above his own.
He stayed with Wendy out of love for his kids.
In the past several months and everything that had come to pass, I’d thought I’d found myself. In some ways, I had. Caleb and what he’d done to me were a distant memory, my personal guilt from those days absolved. Jordan had helped me with that. While he couldn’t save me from this pain nor heal this hurt, he’d changed me.
He’d selflessly given me a great gift. But what had I given him in return? I focused a lot on that in the days that followed our confrontation in his shop. For now, I’d give Jordan what he needed the most, a life without me. It was the least I could do to repay him for what he’d done for me, no matter how much it hurt.
By Friday, my melancholy had caught Hadley’s attention. The little blonde, who had quickly become one of my closest friends, had given me several days to stew before she brought it up. I’d seen the questions in her eyes days before she asked them.
“What’s really going on, Rae?” She watched me push salad around in a plastic container. “I thought things were getting better, you and Bree had made up.”
How could I tell her? I didn’t want to be patronized. She wouldn’t mean to do it, but I was tired of hearing what other people thought about my relationship with Jordan. Maybe it made me a coward, but I couldn’t do it anymore. “It’s not Breanna at all. There are a bunch of things I’m still having trouble dealing with.” It was partially the truth, I couldn’t deal.
Hadley’s hand was warm as she reached across her desk and laid it over mine. “Have you even talked to him?” I could only blink at her, which brought a smile to her lips. “I may not be genius material, but even I can see you falling apart.”
“Falling apart?” I put down the fork and rubbed my eyes with my palms. I’d been doing so well, the numbness helping me to cope with the dual loss. Apparently, I wasn’t hiding my inner turmoil as well as I’d hoped.
“Without Jordan…maybe you’re blaming yourself for everything…” The last part she said so quietly I barely heard her.
A lone, silent tear streaked down my cheek through my makeup. “Maybe it is.”
“Take off early, go talk to him. Aiden said he hasn’t been to work all week, not even in the shop.”
I gave a snort. “He doesn’t want to talk to me, Hadley.”
“Sure he does.” Her optimism fell on deaf ears.
“No, he doesn’t.” I let her see how serious I was about that. “We’ve already said everything we needed to say to each other. It’s over.”
“Oh.” She settled back in her chair. But she was only quiet for a few seconds. “Well, he’s an asshole.” Her cheeks flushed with defiant anger.
I appreciated the sentiment and forced a laugh as I wiped the tears that stung my eyes. “We swung for the fences and struck out. That doesn’t make him an asshole.”
She opened her mouth to argue, but closed it promptly. Then she stood and began pacing her office in a huff. Barely an inch or two taller than me, she looked downright frightening while she fumed.
“I know!” She spun back on me and grinned. “We’re gonna go get drunk.”
There would be no arguing with Hadley, I’d already figured that out. Not long after the shop had closed for the day, I found myself tucked into her small red sedan zipping across town as the sun set in the distance.
Felt was one of only a few bars in Arkadia. It was the only one that catered to people who wanted to do more than drink. Off the main drag, just outside of town, it was also one of Hunter East’s favorite places to hang out. I wasn’t surprised to see his truck in the parking lot, nor Vic’s car for that matter.
Most Friday nights during the summer and fall months they’d be holed up working on their cars. With Devin’s death still so fresh, nobody was doing much of that.
“What it do, Hadley?” the bartender called as we walked into the dimly lit, hazy front of the place.
“It’s doing. Give me a pitcher.” She strolled right past the bar and through the swinging doors to the back. The back part of Felt held two rows of dangling lights above an equal amount of pool tables. The walls were lined with chalk, sticks, and neon signs advertising any number of beers. It smelled of grease from the kitchen, beer, and smoke. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Felt suited my mood.
Hadley claimed a table against the wall by tossing her purse on it and the nearest open pool table by smacking down a stack of quarters. This obviously wasn’t her first time. “A regular?” I asked with a raise of my brow.
“Sort of.” She let her hair down and finger combed it. “I worked here when I first moved to town. I covered Alley’s, the bartender, off nights for her. Turns out, I’m a pretty good pool player.”
I gave my best shot at a grin, but even that was a grim imitation. “Let’s find out if you are.”
Vic, Hunter, and several other guys were playing pool at the back of the room. Vic noticed us first and shouted out in salute. I waved back at him as did Hadley. It was those simple little things that bothered me so much. How was I supposed to be normal? I couldn’t, not when I was so culpable.
I fought to hide the residue of pain that seared me numb. I was an imposter, pretending to enjoy a night out so I didn’t hurt my friend’s feelings.
Our beer was there before Vic could gather up his own and come over. I immediately poured a large glass and downed it.
“Look at you, out of the house.” He hugged me. “Good to see you, kid.”
“You too.” And I meant the words, it was good to see him. Slowly my spirits started to lift in the smoke-filled room with the clang of billiards and the pound of music.
After several beers, I found myself wallowing in self-pity, no longer able to force a smile at Vic’s jokes or Hadley’s retorts. My spirits were sunk.
None of it mattered, not when I could turn my head and watch a woman flirt with her boyfriend and wish it was Jordan and me. When I could be so easily reminded of what could have been.
Everything I’d been through, all the mistakes I’d made, and I was still alive. That should really count for more than it did.
I dolloped a dose of self-loathing in with the pity.
“Looks like a lot’s going down in there.” Hunter’s long finger tapped the side of my head.
I’d had enough beer that I was briefly curious if those fingers could make me feel as good as Jordan’s. I balked inwardly at the thought, knowing they never could.
The music was so loud now that Hunter had leaned across the small round table on his forearms. The posture was intimate enough that I knew he would go there if I wanted to. If I did I’d ruin another really good friendship. Too bad, our friendship wasn’t something I was willing to forfeit, not after I’d lost so much.
I let my face fall into my hands, the room spinning a little when I did. “Too much,” I muttered.
“We all miss him.” He squeezed my arm and slid onto the stool across from me. “He was good people.”
“Yeah.” I took a deep breath to steady myself, but the room started to spin. I couldn’t be sure if it was the emotional roller coaster I’d been riding for weeks or the beer. Probably the beer.
“You need some air.” He slipped from the seat and said something to Vic and Hadley that I couldn’t hear through the buzzing in my head.
I went ahead of him, choking a bit on the smoke-filled air of the bar. As soon as I stepped through the main door and took huge gulps of the fresh air outside, the world stopped spinning. The muted music from inside grew momentarily louder, signaling Hunter’s exit behind me.
It was easy to walk with him to his truck. Hunter let the tailgate down with a thump and planted his hands at my waist to effortlessly lift me on to it. No sexual tension this time, just the closeness of friendship. The easy way between us was why I’d always been drawn to him, even when I was younger.
And I’d never had to share Hunter with my brother or any of his friends.
“I was surprised to see you here, not Aiden.” He leaned back on the lip of the tailgate.
“Aiden? Really?” I snorted, surprised. Of anyone, my brother would be the last one I’d expect to see in a bar.
“Yup.” He hopped onto the tailgate. “If we aren’t racing, he’s usually here.”
“With Wendy?” I had a hard time envisioning Wendy at Felt.
Hunter laughed outright. It was probably the first happy laugh I’d heard since before Devin had died. Something tugged at the corners of my mouth, urging them to agree with that sound. “Nah, I haven’t seen her with him for a while. I thought about asking you if he’d finally kicked her to the curb but figured it was none of my business.”
“Yeah.” I stared down at my sneaker covered feet as they swung in midair. “Things aren’t going well in that area.”
“I’d like to say I hate to hear that, but…”
“Same here,” I agreed. “Wendy isn’t good for Aiden. Wendy isn’t good for anyone but Wendy. I understand why he’s there, for the kids and all. But, my heart hurts for him.”
“How about you and Jordan?” With a practiced ease, Hunter ripped off the proverbial Band-Aid.
I didn’t say anything at first. He was the second person that day to bring up Jordan. The subject was starting to rub me raw. With a hitch of my shoulders I told him what had hurt the most. “Jordan said we were a mistake.”
“I saw the fight at the driver’s meeting,” Hunter said after a long minute. That wasn’t a surprising fact, considering he’d made it to that round too. Most of the people in our circle had probably seen the fight, seen the way Jordan went after Devin at the driver’s meeting. “There’s no way that guy thought anything about you was a mistake.”
“It’s my fault,” I whispered as I looked out past the highway, afraid to face anything but the night around us.
“How? You weren’t in the car with Devin.” There was no sarcasm, no hint of anything he could have been insinuating.
“It was my fault they were fighting.” I finally forced myself to look at Hunter. His muscled form backlit from the orange lights of the parking lot. “I knew Devin had a thing for me, but I made a play at Jordan anyway.”
Hunter laughed outright and slid from the tailgate to move rocks around with his feet. “Raelynn, babe, there’s no way you made a play at Jordan Slater that he didn’t see coming and steer himself right in the path of.”
When I started to argue, he cut me off.
“You were there that night he tried to fight me over you. Do you really think you had to make a play? We’ve all been watching the tug of war between the two of you for years.”
“No, it wasn’t like that for Jordan—”
He snorted. “The hell it wasn’t. Take him off the pedestal of self-righteousness you’ve put him on. He’s just a man, Raelynn. Why do you think I kept asking you out in high school? I couldn’t get the guy to fight me, I couldn’t get him to race, so I fucked with him the only way I knew how. Taking you out was the equivalent of poking the sleeping bear.”
“Gee, thanks.” I rolled my eyes.
“No, I mean, sure I liked you. You’re hot, you’re funny, and you like guy stuff. Hanging out with you wasn’t a chore.”
“He would have never dated me if I’d left it alone.” My sneakers kicked against each other now as they swung right to left. “It doesn’t matter what you say, I saw him and talked to him. I know him, I know what he wants and that’s not to be reminded of what I caused and what I cost us both.”
“He’s a grown ass man, Raelynn. He made his own choices, he knew full well what he was doing.”
Exasperated, I tossed my hands in the air, palms up in defeat.
“See!” He nudged my shoulder with his as he sat back down beside me. “We’ve all known you two would end up together, it was only a matter of you coming home and seeing that he felt the same way about you. Devin didn’t show any real interest until you came back. So where does that make him suddenly more important than what was between you and Jordan?”
I didn’t know how to respond to that. I’d played the martyr since the moment I’d seen the agony on Jordan’s face. Hunter slid from the tailgate, as if he couldn’t sit still for more than a few seconds. Beneath all that muscle was a boundless energy.
“The way I see it, Raelynn, it was always supposed to be you and Jordan. Devin dying, that was a rough hand we got dealt. Nobody wanted that, he took a piece of us with him. But you and Jordan, that’s something real. Even if you’d ended up with Devin or…” His grin was quick and sly. “Me…it wouldn’t be real.”
“It was real,” I agreed. “It was always real. But at what cost? Too much, Hunter. Jordan loving me caused us all too much pain.”
Hunter crossed his arms over his chest and rocked back on his heels in a move that reminded me of Aiden. “Has it ever occurred to you he’s feeling pretty much the same way you are? That he has been from the get go. That he feels like he cost you too much?”
“Yes.” It had. “That’s why I went to talk to him a few days ago. He told me to go, even when I begged him to let me stay, he wanted me to go. So, I left. It’s done. It’s over. He doesn’t want me, now I move on.”
“That’s the way it is, huh?”
“That’s the way it is, Hunter.” I slid from the tailgate of the truck, angry now. “I’ve known him nearly my entire life. I know how to read him. I know what he said to me. I know what Devin’s death has done to all of us!”
“Really? Are you sure you weren’t seeing what you wanted to see? That it wouldn’t be easier to take the blame, wallow in your own self-pity, and walk away? Easier to punish yourself, for some misplaced guilt. Because if he is stupid enough to let you get away? Then that’s on him, and he’s an idiot.”
Though he was annoying me, this was the reason I’d always liked Hunter. “Hunter East, you are smarter than most people I know.” I didn’t want to admit that he was making sense, didn’t want to admit that realization dawned on me. It was a sickening, vile feeling, to realize that he could be right. “I need to go. I need to think. I want this all to go away.”
I tried to shove past him and walk inside, deciding that beer wasn’t good enough anymore. This one called for something stronger.
“Let me go, Hunter,” I growled when he stepped in front of me.
“I will if you answer one question for me.” He wasn’t angry, in fact his face was kind. I stood still and gazed back at his kindness with defiance. “Do you love him?”
“Yes,” I spat through clenched jaws.
“The Rae I know would fight for love.” He moved past me and shut the tailgate.
“I wish you’d all stop saying that!” I shouted to the sky and at no one in particular. I was done fighting, hadn’t I fought enough already? Wasn’t it time Jordan started fighting for me?
I stalked away from Hunter. I’d come here tonight with Hadley to drown my sorrows, to mourn the loss of Devin and in a way Jordan, too. Instead, I was left with more feelings than I could handle and a whole new batch of guilt.
On a frustrated huff, I pushed open the door and braced for the onslaught of smoke that would fill my lungs.
Inside a large, familiar body turned toward me from the bar. I froze and looked past him for an exit, my heart beating so hard in my chest I couldn’t breathe. All I could think was he wasn’t supposed to be there.
Yet, there he was.
In nothing but a black tee and jeans, Jordan Slater took my breath away.