CHAPTER SIX
Dani
It was late when I returned home from my mother’s house on Friday night. After working the breakfast shift at the diner, I spent most of the day with her. We watched movies together, and I helped her clean the house. After dinner, I prepared a few meals for her and said good night. I knew she would be okay for the night, but I still felt nervous as I backed out of her driveway. I hated the constant fear that lived inside of me now. No matter how much time I spent with my mom, I never felt like it was enough. She needed me, and I could only devote so much time to her.
When I made it to my apartment, I immediately moved to my easel and placed a blank canvas on it. I stared at the canvas for a few seconds, just thinking. Ever since Tuesday night, I’d been on edge. My show was a bust and Perry dumped me. I was still in shock over our breakup, and I hadn’t yet wrapped my mind around it. After that night, I devoted most of my time to my part-time jobs and to my mother.
Now that I had a free moment to myself, I was ready to let myself feel everything. I replayed Perry’s words over and over again in my mind. When I hung up on him, I thought he might try to call back. After five years together, I thought he would at least want to make sure I was okay, but he didn’t. I hadn’t heard from him since, and I didn’t think I would. He admitted to being with someone else, and now, I didn’t mean anything. As I poured black, blue, and green paint onto my board, I wondered if I’d ever truly mattered to him.
With my thickest paintbrush, I swirled the three colors together. I quickly lost myself in the blending process. When my brush hit the canvas, I felt my shoulders relax. I breathed out slowly and let myself fall completely into my painting. I moved the brush automatically, not thinking about technique or style. I didn’t think at all. For the first time in years, I just painted. I didn’t try to create a scene or invoke any emotions, I just let myself be free.
When I was finished, the canvas was covered in different colors of paint. There wasn’t a clear picture. I took a step back, scrutinizing my work, but I didn’t see any clear shapes or images. Instead, I saw a mess of colors and lines. My brushstrokes were messy and harsh. I hadn’t painted like this since college. It was raw. As I looked at it, tears formed in my eyes. I analyzed the blues and greens I’d created. I looked over the specks of bright yellows and oranges that were scattered over the canvas. My heart ached as I took in the hues of purple and pink.
Every color was represented on the canvas. In that moment, I realized I’d been painting my own emotions. By not thinking, I was able to set myself free. I didn’t know if anyone else would like this painting, but I did. I stared at it for a long time, reveling in my creation. I felt good. I felt strong. Then, all of a sudden, a fresh wave of sadness hit me. I slumped over and laid my paintbrush down. Tears fell while I continued to stare at my latest creation.
I was so immersed in my own head that I didn’t hear the soft knock on my door. It wasn’t until the door creaked open that I spun around, terrified.
“It’s just me,” Madison said as she stepped inside. My eyes must have been wide with fear because she raised her hands defensively and hurried over to me. “I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.”
“It’s okay,” I said, placing my hand over my heart. It was pounding so hard I thought it might burst from my chest.
“I knocked, but you didn’t answer.”
I pressed my fingers to my temples. “I’m sorry. I was just in the zone.”
“Painting?” Madison glanced at my easel and took a step forward.
I shrugged. “Yeah. It’s nothing. I just had the urge to paint when I got home.”
“This is beautiful,” Madison said softly. She was close to the painting now, staring at it with interest. “Really, Dani, this is amazing. It reminds me of your old stuff. It’s so—”
“Messy?” I finished for her with a laugh.
“Real,” she said, spinning around to face me. “I’m serious. This is amazing.”
“Thank you.” I suddenly felt shy. It was always like this when someone praised my work. Back in college, I won different awards, and everyone seemed to enjoy my work, but lately, compliments had become increasingly rare. I didn’t realize how much I missed the confidence boost until Madison gushed over it now.
“Were you crying?” Madison narrowed her eyes and took in my face. I knew my green eyes were probably bright red, and my cheeks were most likely flushed. Embarrassment quickly overwhelmed me, and I turned away from her.
“No,” I said, wiping my face. “The paint just irritates my eyes sometimes. That’s all.”
“Since when?” Madison asked.
“It’s a new kind of paint,” I lied. “Just got it last week.”
“Dani…” I was still facing away from her, but I could hear the understanding in her voice. I’d never been very good at lying.
I slowly turned around to face her with an apologetic grimace. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have lied.”
Madison shrugged. “It’s okay. You’re terrible at it, so it doesn’t really count.”
I laughed. “Thanks.”
“What’s going on?” Madison took a step toward me.
“A lot.” I was finding it hard to breathe again and turned to sit on the couch. Dropping my head in my hands, I rubbed my face roughly before I looked back up. Madison had moved to sit beside me. She was watching me closely, waiting for me to explain.
“Just talk to me,” she said. “What is it?”
I sighed. “Perry. He dumped me.”
Madison’s face immediately shifted from concern to rage. She looked ready to kill. “He what?”
“He said he met someone else.”
Her nostrils flared. “Holy shit. Who?”
“He didn’t say.” I shrugged. “And I didn’t ask. Honestly, I don’t think I really want to know. It doesn’t matter anyway.”
“It doesn’t?” Madison asked with a frown.
I lifted a shoulder. “Why would it? He met someone. He broke up with me. That’s all I need to know.”
“But…” Madison began, but I shook my head, and she immediately fell silent.
I fell back upon the soft cushions and curled my feet up under me. “The worst part is that I knew something was going on. I could feel it, but I never said anything. I just kept waiting like a freaking puppy dog for him to show up. I let him walk all over me and use me for years, Maddi. I wasted years on him. I really thought we would…”
I trailed off, not wanting to finish my sentence. Even though Perry and I never discussed marriage, I always thought we were heading in that direction. Once his business slowed down, I imagined he would propose, and we would start our safe little life together. There were days when Perry was the last thing I wanted, but I stood right in the middle of my comfort zone. I never let my curiosity get the better of me. I never cheated or betrayed him. I was loyal. Always.
“He’s such a shit,” Madison said. “God, I always hated him.”
I nodded. “I know you did.”
“Well, I knew he would do something like this!”
“I didn’t,” I admitted. “God, I knew our relationship wasn’t perfect, but it was five years. Five years! How could he just up and find someone new after five years?! Who does that?”
“Assholes,” Madison said simply.
“Exactly,” I sighed. “I’m such an idiot.”
I put my head back in my hands and left it there. Madison rubbed my back gently, silently comforting me. It felt nice to have her there with me, but I still felt pathetic.
“Is it that big of a loss?” Madison asked softly. I lifted my head and looked at her, trying to fully comprehend the question.
“What?”
She licked her lips. “I just mean, were you even happy? Did you really love him?”
I frowned and looked away. I didn’t even need to think about it. I wasn’t happy. I hadn’t been happy with Perry in a long time. In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time we even did something so simple as laugh together, if he happened to be in town.
“You know, he never asked about my art.”
She frowned at my change in subject. “What?”
“My art,” I said. “My paintings. When we first met, he was so interested in it, you know? Back in college, he loved everything I did. He was at all my shows. He was always there to cheer me on when I won my awards, but after we graduated, he just stopped. I guess I thought it was because I got worse. I just blamed myself, thinking that I was at fault.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” Madison said softly. “It was his.”
“Still,” I said, shaking my head. “I really believed that if I got better, he would come around. I tried so hard to paint something he would like, but I just never could.”
“You shouldn’t have to try that hard for someone’s approval,” Madison said, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “Especially not someone who claims to love you.”
I nodded. “I know. I do. I know that, but it’s hard. My mother wants me to get married so badly. Every time I see her, she asks me about Perry, and I lie. I lied again today. I just couldn’t tell her that we broke up, you know? It would break her heart.”
“I know,” Madison sighed.
“I don’t know what to do.” I felt so defeated. “I don’t want to disappoint her. I think I stayed with Perry for so long because I just wanted to make her wish come true. I wanted her to see me get married and have children, but I don’t think she ever will.”
“Don’t say that,” Madison said firmly. “She will, Dani. She’s not dying.”
“But she’s sick. She remembers things less and less. Her mind is already drifting so far away. By the time I find someone new and settle down, she won’t even be her anymore.”
“Dani…” She leaned her head against mine.
We sat silently together for a few minutes. I knew Madison wanted to help me, but she didn’t know how. I wasn’t upset about Perry, not really. I was just upset about what it meant for my future. The one thing I never wanted to do was let my mom down.
“Let’s get out of here,” Madison said softly. She pulled away from me.
“Why? Where?”
“I think you need a break. You’ve been sacrificing so much of yourself lately. For Perry. For your mom. You need to take a break and heal.”
I didn’t even know how to start. “And how do I do that?”
“Come with me to Vegas for the weekend.”
“Madison, I—”
She held up a hand. “I’m serious. You need this. It’s not far. If something happens with your mom, you can be at her house in a little over an hour.”
I frowned. She wasn’t wrong. Plus, my mother’s neighbor would look in on her if I asked.
“Okay.” I said it before it could turn into a no.
A huge grin split Madison’s face. “Okay?”
The smile was contagious. “Yeah.” I nodded once to emphasize the word. “Yeah, let’s go.”
“Yes!” Madison exclaimed.
I hurried into my bedroom and packed a bag. While I did so, I called my mom’s neighbor and told her I’d be out of town. She promised to look in on Mom each day. I thanked her and ran back out to the living room. Madison was waiting for me with the door wide open. She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively as we headed out into the night.