CHAPTER FOUR
Alisa
I didn’t even pack a bag before heading out to the edge of the city. I needed to spend some time with my mom and dad. The conversation with Zek had gone nothing like I’d planned, and I almost regretted putting my heart out in front of him again. He’d lifted his hand and denied me access to his warmth much like he’d done when we were younger. Every time I would get too emotionally close, he would shut me down. Things hadn’t changed much.
“Because I don’t have anything to offer you...” I mimicked him to the empty car as I pulled down the long dirt road that led to my parents’ house. “I don’t want your fucking money, your cars, your houses, your success. You sorry bastard. I want you.”
My mom opened the front door and stepped out onto the porch as I got out and felt the burn of tears swim in my vision. It always happened when I was around my mother. If anything was wrong, or hurting me, it was magnified tenfold in front of her. Like the curse of all curses.
“Come here, baby.” She reached for me as I sank into her warm hold and let out a long cry against her chest. “Daddy is going to make your favorite tonight. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes, okay?”
“Okay, Mom.” I sniffled and stood in the doorway, crying against her like I had my whole life. My dad’s voice pulled me from the moment, and his humor saved me, just like it always had.
“Do I need to get my damn shotgun ready to hunt some boy down? This about the fruitcake artist guy, or that meat-head jock Momma said you were talking about?” My dad tugged at my arm, and I moved from my mom to him.
“Neither. Both. All of them.” I laughed through my tears and squeezed my dad before pulling back and wiping at my eyes. “You would think I would eventually grow out of this.”
“Grow out of crying? That doesn’t happen.” My mom brushed my hair back. “Come into the kitchen. Dad’s starting to cook. I’ll make us a cup of tea and we can talk about everything.”
“Okay. I’d like that.” I followed them in and smirked as my mom snuggled my dad from behind as we reached the living room.
“Why do I always have to do everything around here? Damn slave-driver.” My father teased my mom before turning around and pulling her into a tight hug. “You’re lucky you’re so pretty.”
I rolled my eyes and stifled the need to cry some more. I wanted what they had, but it wasn’t just anyone that I wanted it with. It was Zek. I had to stop riding the fence soon. He’d admitted to having feelings for me... no, to loving me.
I should have been on cloud nine, and yet I was struggling to keep my head above the waves of indecision.
“So tell us what’s going on.” Mom walked into the kitchen and picked up a hand towel, wiping her hands as she studied my face. Her once dark brown hair was almost fully gray now, but other than that, she still looked like she had when I was a kid. She looked like an older version of me, but she and my father together made an odd couple. She looked like a city girl, and he was all country — overalls and all.
“Zek and I wrapped up the trial last night, and he was acquitted. It was a great case, and helping him meant the world to me.” I shrugged and glanced down as I pulled at the strings on one of the blue placemats beneath my arms.
She swatted at me and smiled. “Good for you. Stop picking at that and tell us the rest of the story. You don’t come visit too often, especially not in the middle of the week. I’m thinking your crying spell gave you up... what happened? Did he hurt you again?”
“Again?” Dad moved up to stand beside Mom on the other side of the breakfast bar.
“I had a crush on him as a kid, Dad. He didn’t return the feelings. It was nothing.” I lifted my eyebrow and glanced toward my mother, trying to get her to hush. We could talk later.
“With Zek? He’s your brother’s age. You’re way too young for him, peanut.” My dad reached out and tugged at a strand of my hair. “He’s a better choice than that French fry potato head guy you married though. I couldn’t stand that guy. Always analyzing everything and pointing out how pretty stuff was.”
I laughed and rolled my eyes. “Dad. He was an artist.”
“I don’t care. I don’t like it. I’m glad his pretty ass is gone.” My dad turned his back to us and started working on dinner as Mom pulled up a chair across from me and leaned her forearms against the counter. “What happened?”
“Zek’s not too old for me, right? You and Daddy have five years between you. Zek and I are four, I think.” I sat back.
“No, silly. Ignore your father. No one will ever be right for you. You’re his only little girl. Now, enough of that stuff. What happened? Talk to me.” She reached out and laid her hands down on the table, palms up.
I slid mine into hers and gripped her tightly as she gripped mine in return.
“I’m still in love with him. After all this time, I thought maybe I could just slip in, save the day and get back out unscathed. I thought...” I choked on my words and closed my eyes, trying to save myself from putting too much emotion on display. It wasn’t about being real in front of my mother, but more about having to confront how much it hurt that things were fucked up between me and Zek once more. It would almost have been better to never have gotten involved with him again.
Safer, at least.
“Oh, Alisa. I’m sorry that your heart is hurting.” She squeezed my hands. “Do you think it’s just because you’re vulnerable because of what happened with Ben?”
“I don’t know. I hope it is. I have to push through and defend Zek in this next case, but I’m not so sure we’ll come out of it with a good verdict. When the government wants to pin something on someone, they’ll find a way.” I pulled my hands free and wiped at my face. “I’m sorry I’m so emotional. I came to spend time with you guys and cheer up.”
“Well, just be you, and we’ll figure out the rest.” She got up and walked around the table, pulling me into another warm hug as she kissed the top of my head. “I think you’ve got a lot going on. You need to take things slow and not try and rush into anything at work, or in your personal life. Help Zek as best you can, and let things progress as they naturally do between you two.”
“That’s the problem.” I pulled back. “It took two years for me and Ben to decide there was even anything between us to explore. With Zek, it’s like two powder kegs ready to explode when we’re in the room together. He makes me come alive and want so much more emotionally than I have. He makes me want to live more, bigger, better.”
“Then he’s the one.” My dad patted the table in front of me. “He’s always been the one. So what if he’s old enough to be your dad. Age isn’t that big of a deal.”
I rolled my eyes and got off the stool I was sitting on. “You’re ridiculous, Daddy.”
“Ridiculously cute.” My mom giggled and moved back into the kitchen as I disappeared down the hall.
“Gross,” I called back to them just before walking into my old room. My mom hadn’t changed it too much, but then again, I’d never been one of those girls with pink walls or gobs of pictures stuck all over the place. I was a lawyer for a reason, and organization and neatness had always been part of the picture for me.
I dropped down on my bed and pulled out my phone, scanning through Zek’s texts. I wanted to call him so bad, but I wasn’t sure what to say. I love you? I’m coming over? I can’t imagine my life with anyone but you?
“I never have been able to.” I flopped back onto the bed, realizing how unbelievably stupid I was being, but I couldn’t help it.
My mom poked her head into the room. “Mind if I come in? You disappeared. Did Dad and I run you off?”
“Yep. You guys are gross.” I chuckled and turned onto my side, pulling my knees up to a fetal position. She mimicked me, and snuggled up until our arms touched.
“I love you.” Her smile was warm and drove remembrance of a great life, a great childhood, a great family deep into me.
“I love you too. I’m so glad for you and Daddy.” I rolled my eyes and growled as tears filled my eyes again. “I’m grateful for stinky head too.”
“Does your brother still let you call him that?” She reached over and wiped at my tears.
“No. He doesn’t know.” I laughed and pushed her hand away softly as I wiped them away myself. “I hate feeling like this. I guess it’s lack of sleep.”
“No, it’s not. Well, maybe some of it is, but it’s you trying to live in a gray area that doesn’t exist for you. You’re a lawyer and always have been very linear. You’re either really good, or insanely bad.” She lifted her eyebrow and we laughed. I had been a rather rowdy teenager.
“I think you’re right. It’s so weird, all this stuff between me and Zek. I need to do my job, and my firm is quite clear on us remaining objective and apart until the case is over, but maybe I’m taking it too far. I let him near me one minute and push him away with all of my might the next.” I rolled onto my back and let out a long sigh. “I just want things to be easy.”
“They’re not going to be, Alisa. It’s not black or white. It’s somewhere in the middle. It’s a maybe, sorta, kinda area, and you’re not good with those. You’re just not, honey.” She reached over and brushed the back of her fingers down my cheek. “Does he care about you?”
“He says he’s in love with me, that he always has been, but I’m not sure I believe that.” I turned back onto my side and studied my mother’s beautiful face. I needed to get home more often. I’d almost forgotten how good it felt to be with her and Dad.
“I believe it. How could he not be?” She smiled, and I responded in kind. “You’re talented, insanely beautiful and a rebel under that guise of well-to-do lawyer. You’re every man’s dream.”
“Funny... I don’t feel much like it right now.” I reached over and squeezed her shoulder.
“What else is bothering you? There’s something you’re not saying. I can see it written all over your face.” She gave me a warning look that I’d seen far too many times in my youth.
“I guess part of what I’m struggling with is whether Zek is guilty or innocent in this new case we have coming up. What if he did do it? Then what?” I couldn’t tell my mother that Zek had admitted his guilt. I was under very specific client/attorney covenants with Zek, though I wouldn’t have told her otherwise. He’d trusted me with that information, and it wasn’t going anywhere.
“Did someone die because of him?” She brushed my hair behind my ear.
“No.”
“Did someone suffer dismemberment or mental sanity?”
“No.”
“Would you want him to see you through something like this if you were in his shoes and he was defending you?” She smiled, knowing that she could bring me to the truth. She always had been able to.
“Of course I would.” I nodded. “So it doesn’t matter?”
“It matters, but not in whether you love him or help him, baby. It matters in that he will have to turn away from that type of activity and come back to being a man that not only he can be proud of, but that you can be proud of too. You understand? We all make mistakes. Everyone deserves redemption and a second chance, right? That’s what we believe.”
I nodded. “Yeah. You’re right.”
“I usually am.” She chuckled.
“But what if he goes to jail, Mom? I’d have to say goodbye again. I’m not sure my heart could handle that.”
She reached out and cupped my cheek. “You’re so much stronger than you think you are. If Zek Kellington is the man for you, then you fight for him. Nothing can conquer the power of love, Alisa. Nothing. Don’t let your wayward thoughts and well-founded concerns snuff out something that might be in the making. Love can destroy all that doubt. If he’s the one, then don’t give up, and for God sakes, stop backing down.”
“And if he’s not the one?” I sat up and worked to pull my hair into a ponytail as my father called to us from the kitchen.
“Then you’ll need to help me find the key to your Daddy’s gun cabinet. He’ll take care of the old boy if nothing else.” My mom got up and walked out into the hall. “Let’s go see what your father’s doing before he burns down the whole damn house.”
I laughed and followed her, forgetting my worries and promising myself that I would resolve to be more real, more open, more willing around Zek. He was the one. I had no doubt at all.
He always had been.