Gage

I swore my child would never feel scared and alone again after being abandoned in the hospital at birth. I have failed her.

I exit my bedroom at the same time Adley does hers. “Hey, look who’s white,” I say pointing down at a very different looking Ollie.

She shrieks, and Ollie hides behind my legs. “He’s so pretty, Daddy!”

“Careful, you’ll make him pee on the carpet,” I chuckle, and she drops to her knees to coax him out from behind me.

“You’re so pretty, Ollie. Why didn’t you tell me you had white fur under all that dirt?” she asks the dog while scratching behind his ears. He has instantly forgotten about her loud shriek, and they are once again best friends. “Do dogs know what they look like?” she asks looking up at me.

“That’s a good question. I would imagine they don’t unless someone shows them their reflection in the mirror.”

“Ollie needs to see how handsome he is. Can we find a mirror?”

“Maybe later, I need to talk to you about something for a minute. Let’s go downstairs.”

“Am I in trouble? I don’t remember doing anything, Daddy. I swear.”

“No baby, you’re not in trouble at all. I just want to talk, come on.”

I take her hand, and we go to the living room where I notice that the snow has slowed to a light dusting powder instead of the giant cotton ball flakes that have been falling for over twenty-four hours.

I sit on the couch and guide Adley to the coffee table in front of me. I pat the table, and she sits down still looking warily at me.

“I hear you got cold and frightened and came looking for Clover and me last night.”

“Uh huh.” She nods.

“I wanted to tell you that I am very sorry I didn’t put you to bed. And, I’m also sorry you couldn’t get into my room.”

“It’s okay, Clover said you guys forgot to unlock the door.”

“I did, but I should have put you to bed like I always do. I never want you to feel alone or afraid, baby. We have a new policy in this house. No locked doors. I promise that you will always be able to get to me no matter what, just remember to knock first, please.”

“You and Clover were kissing, weren’t you?”

“Yes, we were. I like her very much, but you are my number one priority in life, do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“Good. My door is always open for you when you need me.”

“Just knock,” she says with a smile.

“Yes, just knock. Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For not being too upset about last night. It was freezing in here, and you must have been very scared.”

“I was a little. I was mostly sad because I thought Clover left us.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, she wasn’t in her bed. I thought you got mad at her ‘bout that picture man, and she went back home to her friend.”

“No, she would never leave without saying goodbye.”

“You don’t want her to leave, do you?” She looks panicked.

“No, of course not. I don’t ever want Clover to leave us. I hope she stays with us forever.”

“Me, too.” She slides off the coffee table and wraps her arms around my neck.

“Did I hear my name?” Clover says, coming down the stairs.

“Yes!” Adley says dropping me to skip to Clover’s side. Clover is dressed in a red cable knit sweater and fitted jeans that Adley calls skinny jeans. She looks adorable for her age, and I wonder if she’s figured out how old I am yet.

“I hope you were saying good things.” She chuckles sitting down on the third step from the floor.

“Daddy wants you to stay here forever,” she blurts out, and for the first time in years, I think I may be embarrassed.

“Oh, he does, does he?” Shit, she never was much for being subtle.

“We’ve been chatting about last night. She thought you left us when she couldn’t find you.” I see the wheels turning in her mind. She thinks I’m backing out of the forever offer, but I’m not.

“I see, and you decided I should stay forever?” she asks.

“Yes, if you’ll have us.” I feel like I’ve just proposed marriage. The words are delivered light and casual, but my heart wants them to be heavy and serious.

“Well, I guess I’m here forever then. Majority rules, right?” She throws up her hands in pretend defeat, and I wait for Adley to ask what majority rules means. Right on cue, she does just that, and Clover answers her question.

“It’s when everybody takes a vote and whoever has the most votes is the majority, and they win. I was kidding, though,” she says when Adley’s face clouds with confusion. “I want to stay. I don’t need a majority to vote for me, although I’m glad to know you both want me to stay.”

“Forever,” Adley adds quickly.

“Forever,” Clover says with a smile.

“Well, now that we have that settled, why don’t you go hop online and see what you’ve missed so far at school today?”

“Aww, can’t it be a snow day? Look at all that snow.” She points out the window at the snow-saturated mountain.

“If the internet is working, you’re going to school. You don’t get snow days, you only get no Wi-Fi days.”

“But…”

I interrupt before she can go any further. “No buts. Go to school.”

She walks to the desk that sits at the end of the bank of windows and switches on the computer. I see Miss Kitty’s face appear and hear Adley begin to tell the students in her class about the snow and Ollie with excitement.

“Another cup of coffee?” Clover asks quietly from where she is now standing by the stairs.

“Sure.”

I watch her pour two cups and think about the upcoming weekend. She’s going home to visit Freda and her friends. I wish I could take her out to dinner at a nice restaurant and show her how much I appreciate her. Maybe I should just do it. Break out of this secret life and see what happens. Worst-case scenario the music industry would sue me for losses, and my mother and fans would hate me. I can deal with that as long as I have Adley and Clover by my side.

Clover’s plan to release music anonymously has been eating away at my mind. I want to write. I want to perform. What I don’t want is to be judged for my past, and her YouTube idea seems to be the perfect solution. If I came out of hiding, that opportunity would be blown to smithereens. Again, I am faced with deciding between my selfishness about my career and the happiness of the woman, correction, women, that I love. This time I won’t screw it up. This time I will choose right. This time I will do what’s best for Adley and Clover no matter what.

She sits next to me and blows on her coffee. “Careful, it’s really hot.”

“Thanks. Listen, I want to talk to you about something.”

“Gage, if it’s about the guy last night, I want you to know I will lie and say you are whoever you want me t…”

I hold up my hand to stop her. “No, that’s not what I wanted to say, although it does have to do with living in hiding. I think it’s time to come down off this mountain and start living again. I don’t want you to feel secluded, and I don’t want you or Adley to lie anymore. So, whatever happens with that photographer, so be it. I don’t care. I want to go on vacation and take you to the movies or out to dinner. I want to help you build your summer camp and be a part of it. Not the camp counselor part but a handyman, music leader, silent partner type. I want Adley to go to school with other kids and have sleepovers that aren’t done via Skype and attend summer camp as often as she wants. I want to go to career day at school and make Adley proud. I want to be a real dad and boyfriend, not a half-ass one.”

Her mouth popped open about halfway through my speech, and she set her coffee cup down on the counter without looking away from me.

“You’d do all that for Adley and me?”

“I will, if you’ll help me.”

A strangled whimper escapes her lips, and she throws her arms around my neck clinging to me. “Whoa there, I’m going to take this reaction as a yes.”

She speaks against my neck in a muffled voice. “Yes, yes, yes, a million times yes. I will help you both.” She pulls away putting us nose to nose. “But only if you’re doing it for all of us and not just because of me.”

“I want it for all of us. Truth be told, I should have done it when Adley started school. She should have real friends, not virtual relationships. I think I was too nervous to do it alone.”

“You’re not alone. I’m here for as long as you want me to be, and I would be happy to help in any way that I can.”

I slide my hands down to her ass, and she turns to look across the room where Adley is learning about animals from Australia from Miss Kitty. “How far can that camera see?” she asks.

“Not this far, don’t worry.”

“You’re sure?”

“Sure, enough to do this,” I say surprising her with a soft, quick kiss on her delicious mouth.

“Oh, I guess you were sure,” she says when I pull away.

“Speaking of being sure, are you sure you have to go away this weekend? I thought we could catch a movie or something, you know, as a first step off the mountain?”

She gives me a sly smile. “You’re trying to bribe me, aren’t you?”

“Maybe.” I shrug.

“I need to do this. It’s only two days, and I’ll be back. If I don’t go, Freda will flip her shit. She was mad enough about last time. I don’t want to cross her again.”

“Okay, what about a movie Friday night early and then you can go to Freda’s from there?”

“Sure, that’ll work. I don’t even know what’s playing. It’ll have to be suitable for children.”

“Yes, that’s true. I’ll look up what the local theatre is playing and figure it out. Is there any genre of movie you don’t like?”

“I don’t like horror, but since we will have Adley, I’m sure there’s no risk of you picking one of those.”

“I don’t like that crap either. Disney or Pixar, it is.”

“When’s the last time you’ve been to a movie, or anyplace in public besides Jerry’s supply store?”

I chew on my bottom lip for a minute while I try to remember. “At least a year ago, I guess, unless you count fishing on the lake. I fish a lot in the summer, but I stay close to the mountain, and Adley comes with me.”

“It’ll be nice for her to do things with friends, don’t you think?”

“Yes. And I’m hoping my mother will be able to forgive me enough to welcome Adley into her life.”

“Where does your mom live?”

“New York, her name is Catherine.”

“Is that where you grew up?”

“Yes, I was gone the second I turned eighteen, though. As soon as I could, the band and I started taking gigs anywhere and everywhere.”

“There’s a lot I don’t know about you, Gage Mercury.”

“I could say the same about you, Clover Washington. We should play twenty questions.”

“Okay, now?”

“Sure, why not?”

“Can I go first?”

“Hit me.”

She presses her lips together looking thoughtful. “Okay, why the name Mercury?”

“It means messenger of the gods. I thought it was cool like I was giving the world a message from the gods via my music.”

“Why did you give Adley that name?”

“It’s my legal last name, and it was Constance’s name, too.”

“Have you ever thought of going back to your real name?”

“I do use my real name. Gage is actually my last name.”

“What’s your first name then?”

“Adrik William Gage is my real name. You’re one of a small handful of people on earth who knows that. I use the name Gage Riley for all of my financial dealings.”

“Adrik, wow. I’ve never known an Adrik. What’s it mean?”

“The Latin meaning is of the Adriatic. The Russian meaning is dark. How many questions is that now?”

She scrunches up her face while she counts. “Five, I have fifteen left.”

“Okay, what’s next?” I’ve never shared this much about myself with anyone. It’s giving me a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach.

“How old are you?”

Shit. I was hoping she wouldn’t ask that one. I should have known she’d go for the juggler. I consider lying but what good would that do? She’d figure it out eventually.

“Thirty-five.”

“That took you a long time to spit out. Are you self-conscious about your age?” She snuggles in closer pressing her body against mine. “Because you shouldn’t be, you’re far from being soft.” There’s a wicked gleam in her eye when she says that, and I have the urge to haul her upstairs and show her how far from soft I am.

“That’s two questions by the way, and no, I’m not self-conscious. I just wasn’t sure how you felt about dating a man so much older than yourself.”

“It’s only thirteen years, and I’m counting that as a compound question, so it was only one.”

“Compound question? What the hell is that?”

“Ah! That’s one for you, buster. A compound question is when the question has two parts.”

“You made that up.”

“Maybe, so what?”

“Nothing,” I chuckle. “Next.”

“What’s your brother’s name?”

“Hank Jenkins, my mother remarried Tom Jenkins when I was sixteen. Hank was fourteen, and he thought I was a rock god. He was right.”

She rolls her eyes hard.

“What happened to him?”

“He’s around somewhere. I think he got married and had a couple of kids when he graduated college. I didn’t keep track of him, we were never close.”

“Did you like him?”

“He was kind of a wimpy kid, a geek. He’s probably rich as hell today. I think he does something with computer programming.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“I liked him okay, but we never got to know each other well. Mom got married when I was sixteen going on seventeen. I took off at eighteen, and we ran in different crowds. And just so you know, by my count, your halfway done. Ten questions left.”

She growls, and I laugh.

“Did you ever do anything other than music for a job?”

“I sold socks for a minute, but I got in trouble for trying them on for a customer, and they fired me.”

“Like, in a sock store or a vendor or what?”

“Sock store, some specialty place in New York. My mom knew the owner, and she wanted me to work a ‘normal job’ as she called it. She thought music was a waste of time, and she was mad that I didn’t want to go to college.”

“You showed her.”

“Yeah, for a while I sure did.”

“How do you pay your bills if you don’t work?”

“I use the money I made singing. I have someone who invests for me, and I rarely spend money on anything other than necessities.”

“I guess you wouldn’t. I’m tired of questions, did I hit twenty?”

“I lost count. It doesn’t matter anyway, I wasn’t going to hold you to twenty. You can ask me anything anytime, and I’ll tell you what you want to know.”

“Thanks.”

“But, I think I deserve a turn now.”

“Okay, shoot.”

“Are you an animal lover?”

“Yes, all animals except opossums, they’re gross.”

I nod in agreement. “They’re nasty, sometimes mean, too. Okay, any brothers or sisters?”

“Nope, only child. My Aunt Heather, my mom’s sister, raised me. She had kids, but they were a lot younger than I was.”

“How long did it take you to get over your family’s death?”

“I’m still not over it.” She hangs her head and fiddles with a thread on her shirt.

“Me either. Do you think people bond over trauma?”

“I think people who have suffered similar traumas are more compassionate to each other’s pain. If that’s bonding, then yes.”

“I believe that’s bonding. Okay, next question, what’s your middle name?”

“Davisa, it was my grandma’s name. She died when my mom was little in a car accident, so she wanted my name to have a part of her in it.”

“That’s beautiful, both of your names are. I’ve never known anyone named Clover.”

“Not too many of us, that’s for sure. My mom was a tree hugger, my Aunt, too. I wish Mom could have found a way to spend more time in nature, but she was a nurse, and she pretty much lived at the hospital and the clinic she worked at part-time. She was always about healing people and the environment. I think my mom would have been happy with the way she raised me and how I turned out.”

“I’m sure she is.”

“Are we almost done?”

“Why? Do you have somewhere to be?” I ask knowing full well that there is nowhere to go for days until this storm lets up, and we dig out.

“No, I’m restless. I’m used to running, and I haven’t worked out since I got here.”

I lean in close and whisper in her ear, “Last night wasn’t enough of a workout for you?”

A ghost of a smile plays at the corner of her mouth, and her cheeks flush.

“Last night was perfection, but I need to run. What do you do for cardio up here anyway?”

I back away and look her up and down suggestively. “Before me I mean,” she says with a chuckle.

“Well, we ski and hike, and I chop a shit ton of wood but…”

“But what?” she says standing up and putting her hands on her hips. How she knows I’ve been holding out on her, I don’t know.

“I have a gym with a treadmill and other equipment.”

“You have what? Where? Why would you keep that from me?”

“I didn’t mean to keep it from you exactly. It’s not in the house, I have a small metal cabin in a clearing on the other side of that line of woods out back. I never ended up using it much because I get plenty of exercise chopping wood.”

“Take me there? Please?” she says holding her hands together in front of her like she’s praying.

“I’ll have to start the generator for that building. I don’t even run power to it in the winter. And the snow is deep…” I trail off but stand when I see the excitement in her eyes. “I never knew you were such a fitness fanatic.”

“I’m not really, I just run every day, and I didn’t want to complain, but being cooped up in this house is making me flabby.”

I scoff. “Flabby? Show me one ounce of flab, beautiful.”

She pulls up her shirt and pinches her skin around her waist. And, when I say skin, I mean skin, no fat, no flab. “That is skin sweetheart, not flab.”

She pokes her bottom lip out in a pout, and I roll my eyes. “Bundle up. We have a lot of snow to move to get to the metal cabin.” She hops up and down once in place and claps her hands together.

“Where are you going?” Adley asks from across the room when she sees Clover jump.

“Adley, you need to pay attention. No outbursts during class time,” Miss Kitty says. Adley looks between the computer class and me, torn.

“Pay attention to class. I’m taking Clover to the gym. She wants to use the treadmill. We have to shovel, though, so it’ll be a little while.”

She sighs deep and loud before turning around and crossing her arms over her chest. She’s mad she isn’t being included, but if she were at a real school today, she wouldn’t be included either. I’m just keeping her life as normal as I can.

“Sorry, do you think she’ll be upset if we go? I can wait until she’s done with school, it’s okay. I am her nanny after all. I should be here if she needs me.”

“She’s in school. She wouldn’t need you if she were in real school. It’s fine, come on.”

She glances back at Adley who is being instructed by Miss Kitty to put on her headphones, so it will be easier for her to pay attention. Now I feel like big time shit. She’s gotten herself into trouble because she wants to hang with her dad and me today. We must be sure to do this as a group tomorrow before she starts her class.

Ollie is up and standing at my side when I put on my boots. “You going with us, Ollie?” I glance up at Gage. “Can he go?”

He shrugs. “I don’t care, he probably won’t last long, though. It’s really cold, and the snow is deep.”

“I’ll bring him back if he seems too cold.”

We pull down ski masks over our faces to protect our skin from the blowing snow. “Do you want goggles, too? We have several pair. It’s blowing like crazy out there, you may as well.”

“Okay.” He hands me a pair of ski goggles, and we put them on. “You know, we could skip the shoveling and put on some ski shoes and walk on top of it if you want.”

“That’s a good idea. Ollie, you have to stay here with Adley, though. I don’t have doggie ski shoes.”

Ollie looks disappointed, but he seems to understand and turns to go lay down next to Adley by the computer desk. Gage and I look at each other surprised. “That was easy.”

“It’s better if he stays here with her anyway. He can bark if he hears anything since she has her headphones on.”

“True, I hadn’t thought of that.”

“What size shoe do you wear?”

“Six.”

“Adley’s should fit you. They will be better than trying to strap on a pair of mine, they’re huge.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet, you know what they say…” she says with a twinkle in her eye.

“No, what do they say?” I ask knowing the answer but wanting to hear her say it.

“Big feet…” she cups her hand against the side of her face and whispers, “… big cock.” She licks her lips, and I’m hard.

“That’s my girl.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Bold, brash, ballsy, and uninhibited.” I cup my hand against the side of my face. “And I fucking love it.”