Untitled
I had a phone. I actually had a phone. The nice lady in the shop believed that mine had died, and it worked.
So what the fuck was I supposed to do now?
Well, Renaud had told me that he was an art thief when we talked about why he was meeting my father, and when we had talked about what he was doing to him.
"You need to get eyes on some of the pieces. Since you can't take pictures, try to remember some keywords and don't make any notes. You don't want to get caught. Renaud doesn't take kindly to betrayal. We want to keep you safe, Leah.”
Those words made me shudder. I should have felt safe, hearing them, but instead, I felt disgusted. I was rankled. I wanted help, but I didn't like how Inspector Willoughby said tthat. There was something about him that I couldn't place. I didn't know what it was. Jacob Renaud rankled me, too, but not like this. I felt like I wanted him constantly in spite of myself but with Inspector Willoughby, my gut nagged me. I told myself that it was just because I was so nervous and afraid of getting away from Jacob Renaud, who Inspector Willoughby had just confirmed was a very dangerous man. I needed to keep my wits about me and not let myself get spooked or back down from what I knew that I needed to do. I needed to be able to do everything that he asked me to do, help piece together this investigation, and start piecing together what I wanted my life to be when it was really my life.
Fuck, that was so overwhelming I couldn't manage to think about anything but Jacob Renaud, discovering me. If he was on to me or if he knew. That was just too much. I was grateful that the inspector was able to get the verification of what I said and not force me to meet. I wasn't sure how I'd be safe if there were eyes on me all of the time. I had to give that gal her phone back and fast, but I was so terrified that somehow they would know. That the driver would drive me somewhere and drop me in a ditch
I realized with chilling certainty that there was no way Jacob Renaud would have someone else do the dirty work to me. Not with the way that he looked at me, the way that he claimed me. He was going to take care of me himself if he discovered my betrayal. I shook at the thought, not wanting to let myself fall into that pit. No, I was going to hand the phone back to the girl, I was going to be able to look at myself in the mirror and see a future.
Not see Jacob Renaud's gilded wristwatch glint back at me in the mirror as I imagined his hands gripping my throat and overtaking me, squeezing the life out of me and dropping me to the ground.
Was that how he'd do it?
"Thanks," I said with the best smile that I could summon. I needed to be able to keep my cool right now, and if the girl did notice anything strange, I didn't want her to say anything. I hoped that she hadn't listened to my conversation, and I'd tried to keep my voice hushed enough that with the hand dryers and the running sink that no one could make out what I was saying. She'd be able to look at her phone's history and see the internet search and the phone call history.
I should have used private browsing, deleted the call from her history, but I didn't want to take too much time. Now I felt an eerie ominous sense of danger. This could be what got me caught. What got me dead at the hand of the powerful man that I had to face again tonight. I looked in the mirror, pretending to be touching up my hair like so many other girls were doing in here. But I wasn't even looking at what I was doing. I was staring into my own eyes and hoping to find strength there.
I thought about how Jacob had said I was strong. Well, the joke’s on you, motherfucker. I am strong enough to take you down.
With that, I exited the bathroom and smiled to a waiting Tatiana who was holding two strange-looking green drinks with whipped cream on top of them. It looked weird but anything with whipped cream was bound to be sweet, and I was excited to have a rush of sugar to battle against my nerves. I needed the pure energy so that I could stop thinking about how jittery all this made me. I needed to be able to face everyone and keep a strong face on. I needed to be able to face myself at the end of this all, and know that I did everything I could.
If I got caught, I died fighting for me. More than I could say about anyone else in my life. More than I had before. I would be able to accept that if it came to that. But I would fight like hell every step of the way until then because I needed to be able to kick enough ass at being the girl who spied that I didn't have to deal with the end of my life so soon.
So, smile. Don't freak out. Don't stumble over your words. Don't show them too much of your fight. For Christ’s sakes, try not to be so sassy or too glum. Tatiana wasn't going to accept that Jacob Renaud was a bad man, no matter what she did know. I knew that she had to know more than she'd totally let on before. But she's showed me her very reason for not thinking anything ill of him, hadn't she? She'd shown me what was at stake for her. I wasn't going to drag her into any of this.
I wondered for a moment if Jacob would hurt Tatiana's child. If he would hurt Tatiana. I was afraid that because I thought he'd never do those things that maybe I was underestimating him. There could be no more dangerous a misstep than to underestimate him, and maybe I needed to fortify myself to the truth, but something so horrific as what I thought someone like my father would do, I couldn't see Jacob doing that. And why? Wasn't I wrong? After all, my father and Jacob ran in at least some of the same circles. No way that they were that different. Jacob was able to make plenty of things happen, I knew what a huge business success he was, but he was also a man who knew that he could buy me from the man my father was.
It was murky territory I didn't want to wade in. I could feel a lightness in my body imagining a day when I didn't have to deal with any of this shit. The clear, still water of my freedom, it would be mine, soon. I would make that happen.
Of course, I had to hang over the edge of my existence and find myself at the most dangerous place. Sneaking around Jacob's house...well, I knew that if I just tried to do that and not get caught, I was setting myself up to fail.
Sipping the drink from Tatiana and following her lead back to the car, I summoned my most logical, clear head to strategize.
No, I'd have to play the game by his rules. I needed to make the thing I wanted him to do his idea, his concession. I would have to make him show me around. He'd started a conversation with me that I was going to have to finish, continue so that he thought I was trying to get used to him. Give him an inch, get miles away from him. That's what I told myself.
So how come I found myself met with a brain freeze (the new drink was good) and the crushing fear that I was more afraid of knowing him than I was of tricking him into thinking I wanted to know him?
He was a mystery. I just didn't want to need to solve that mystery. But I was going to have to give in to that curiosity and make sure I could use some of the genuine feelings I did have because that was how I could get what I wanted without him suspecting a thing.
I just wondered how many concessions I was going to have to make before there was nothing left of me. I wanted to get out to be me. But even though I'd accomplished something I thought impossible, I still wondered if that was my last bit of luck. If my luck did run out, what would that leave me with?
"You like, huh?" Tatiana said with a grin, tipping her drink up in my direction. "Green tea Frappuccino, strange but good. Still, super sugary, too many damn calories. Which is why we need to go the gym next."
I knew it was on the list, but I realized that she made a good point. Well, she didn't make it, I came to a good choice because of what she said. "Yeah, I like it! I'm thinking I want to learn how to fist-fight. Boxing. Martial arts, something like that." I was going to learn how to defend myself on Jacob Renaud's dime. I probably couldn't take on him or his goons, but I was going to give myself a fighting chance if it came to that. I was going to need the skills in my new life, too, because I was never going to let anyone take advantage of me again. I didn't want to feel weak. I wanted to be in control
Tatania talked to the driver, discussing some different gyms, I assumed by their names, and then some people. There was something in the conversation that I didn't quite grasp, but it didn't seem like a bad thing. Whatever it was, I figured I had enough to worry about without a mystery I couldn't solve right now. They'd come to an agreement, and we were off. I didn't look out the windows this time. I decided to try and watch Tatiana, without seeming obvious, I hoped. To see what she might be doing. It looked like she was texting. And it could have been anybody. But it could have been Jacob Renaud, and I had a feeling it was.