Jeremy
The fact that Carrie confronted me over the person I framed for the mass murder, well, that has me shaken. I've never been interrogated like that before to such a point that I felt I had to answer. I could never lie to her and I told her the truth...about everything. She has the power to turn me in and to ruin my life, but that's not what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid that what I've done has scarred her innocent heart to such a degree that I'm past forgiveness. What if I lose her over this? What if my motives and dark desires are just too much for her to handle. I would be crushed, wounded beyond all repair. But I can't change who I am. I just have to trust that if Carrie and I are meant to be, then it will happen.
This emotion of fear is entirely new to me and it has me shaken. Normally I am so in control, so meticulous about everything. I have never cared what people think of me, good or bad. I had my life planned and I was in the driver's seat. I was not expecting this. I didn't plan for this. Carrie has penetrated my soul in such a way that she has me questioning myself which I never do. Normally I am so reserved and stoic, considering my surroundings at all times. Why has she pierced me to such a degree? Why have I let her make me come undone like this? Fear is not something I'm used to feeling and I'm not sure I like it. It's uncomfortable knowing my future hangs in the balance of another person's inclinations. I know I couldn’t care less what happens to me, only that I might be without her. If I ever lost her that would be the end of me. I might as well end myself right there. She is the only person I have ever known who truly understands me. And to face her rejection would be my undoing. This new territory I'm in has me doubting and questioning everything but one thing I'm sure of, one thing I could never doubt, is that this is all happening because I love her, I actually care about someone outside of myself, and she's exquisite. If I were to ever end my life over somebody it might as well be her. She's the most precious commodity I have ever had. She would be worth losing it all over. She would even be worth the pain of being separated from her because at least I had the opportunity to know her, if only for a brief moment in time. It has all been worth it. No matter which way the pendulum swings, I will never regret my time with her. And I will always love her even if it means my ruin. I'm obsessed, infatuated, in love. It has me practically on my knees, begging life to deliver this perfect girl on a silver platter. I want to have her now and for all time. It's hard for me to give her space to make a decision, but once she does my fate will be sealed and I'm trying to prepare myself for that moment.
"Carrie," I say. "Are you okay?"
Her eyes fill with tears and my heart melts. What have I done to her? "I'm really not okay Jeremy. I have so much on my mind. So much has happened and I don't feel prepared at all."
"I want to make it right. I want to fix it for you."
"Jeremy you can't! This is all just who you are and I either have to accept it and to make a part of me too, or I have to deny it, and deny you. How can I make that decision?"
I sigh. I want to pull her into my arms and hold her and never let her go. But I don't. I stand unmoving, my life hinging on her every word.
"I can help you if you let me. This life, it's not so bad. It's even fun, sometimes. I want you to be in with me, Carrie, but I understand if you can't. I won't hold that against you. I will not betray you even now. You determine the course of what's to come and if you can't handle it then that's fine. I will step away, or go to jail, or whatever, the choice is yours. But know that I love you now and I will always love you despite what happens, good or bad."
Her eyes look hopefully up into my face and I see that my words have brought her at least some measure of comfort.
"Why don't you go, retire to your room, and take some time and space to think about it, to think about me. Okay? Wouldn't that help to get some distance? To clear your head?"
She looks at me like she doesn't want to leave but I see the pained expression on her face. She knows she has some decisions to make and that she will have to make them soon. The waiting game is over. All my cards are on the table and I can only hope she sees them through my eyes. Yes, this life is different...it's intense, but it is so worth it. If she can peel back the layers of her soul, like an onion, then she will see what I see — which is this strong, talented, and profound person. If she can let herself be that then her senses will become heightened and her fury will be unleashed and it will feel so good. My world is crazy and intense, but it's also raw and truthful. There's no hiding here, everything is shrouded in secrecy and yet to share that with another person would mean total transparency. She will peer through my soul like she sees through a glass. With her, I will be an open book…and yet the question remains if she can accept what that entails.
I watch her climb the stairs, slowly and deliberately, and it feels like there are miles between us, a distance that I long to shorten.