Chapter Sixteen

Zack

I hold Jack’s hand as we walk into the hospital. Today is the first step, and I’m a nervous wreck for so many reasons.

Coming home and walking into my living room and seeing Denise and Jack spooning took me off guard. I stood there for a good five minutes just watching her sleep. Who does that? Then when I moved her hair from her face and her eyes flickered open, it took everything I had not to lean in and softly kiss her lips. Not to give in to the feelings that are lingering.

And fuck if my chest didn’t fill with pride when she sat up and I saw her with my name on her shirt. I watched her walk into my room and put my son in bed. I stood there glued to the middle of my bedroom as she made sure my son was tucked in safe; I was glued when she came over and she turned to walk away, but my hand had a mind of its own when it reached out to hers. I don’t even know. I lay awake most of the night listening for her, longing for her.

When I finally woke up, she was already gone. My mother said she had to take Michael home. I didn’t text her or call her, and as I stand in the elevator with Jack on my way up to see her, I feel like kicking myself.

The doors open, and I see her at the nurses’ station, leaning over writing something in a chart. Her white lab coat on and rolled at the wrist. “Dr. Denise,” Jack says, letting go of my hand and my mother’s hand as he runs for Denise who turns and smiles at him, grabbing him in her arms.

“Someone is smitten,” my mother says from beside me, and I just nod my head.

“I know. He just took to her.” I turn to her and see her laughing.

“I wasn’t talking about Jack,” she says, walking away and taking Denise into her arms for a hug.

“It’s so nice to see you, dear,” she tells her, and Denise just smiles the whole time, holding Jack’s hand while her thumb rubs his hand.

“You guys are right on time.” She smiles and then looks over at me. “Good morning.”

“Hi,” I say, looking at her outfit now. She is wearing black slacks with a blue button-down silk shirt. Her black ballerina flats make the outfit. Poised and sophisticated.

“So where is Jumping Jack?” Mallory asks, looking around the desk.

“That’s me, Grandma,” he says, pointing at himself.

“That name so suits you,” my mother tells him, and then she looks at Mallory. “I’m Shirley.”

“Nice to meet you. I’m Mallory,” Mallory tells her, holding her hand out to shake it. “Now, come on, Jumping Jack. We need to get you ready.”

She reaches out for his hand, and he takes it. “I’ll go with him,” my mother says, and I just nod my head at her as Denise smiles at her.

“How you feeling?” she asks, putting her hands in her pockets of her lab coat.

“Nervous, scared, anxious.” I release a big breath. “That’s just the start of it.”

She reaches out to hold my arm, squeezing it. “I can’t even imagine, but it’s going to be okay,” she says, and I have to believe her. “Let’s go take care of business,” she says, grabbing the chart, and I follow her into the room where Zack went.

Mallory has him on the bed, and they are taking off his top, and she puts on a hospital gown for him.

Denise goes to sit on the rolling stool in front of the bed. “Okay, Jumping Jack,” she starts, and I see that this is the serious Denise. It was a subtle switch, but I know that she is talking to Jack the patient. “I’m going to explain what is going to happen today.” She smiles at him, and he just nods his head.

“Mallory is going to take blood from you. It might look like a lot, and we may have to do both arms,” she says. “It might hurt a bit, but”—she leans in—“I heard you’re stronger than Daddy, so I think you’ll be okay.”

He hangs on her every word. “After we draw the blood, we are going to send it to the lab, and they are going to work magic inside on it.”

“Magic?” he asks, and his eyes go big.

“Magic,” she repeats. “Once they send it back to us, you come in and we put that magic inside you.”

“That is going to kill the cancer?” he asks, and it hits me right now at this moment that this could work, as if it can’t work. And I’ll have to hold my son’s hand while he fights this disease.

“It’s going to try,” she says, and he looks down.

“Jumping Jack, do you want to choose a color for the elastic band?” Mallory asks him, and I turn to walk out of the room to compose myself. Denise sees this and follows me out of the room. She sees me leaning against the wall when she walks past me and puts her hand out for me. I grab her hand, and she brings me to a small little room with a cot and two chairs.

“Let it out,” she says, and I just look at her.

“I could lose him.” My voice cracks. “My baby is in there, and I could lose him.” I put my hand to my chest as the tears stream down my face. “Why?” I ask her, and she doesn’t answer me because she has no words. Instead, she comes over and gets on her tippy toes and wraps me in her arms.

I bend my head and bury it in her neck. My arms go around her waist, and the tears come; everything I’ve been keeping in, afraid to show, always having to keep my brave face on is gone. With her, I let it go.

“I promise,” she whispers, “I will do everything in my power to make him better.” She softly rubs my head while I compose myself. “You feel better?” she asks softly.

“How do you do that?” I don’t want to let her go, but I do it anyway as I step out of her embrace.

“Do what?” she asks, and I see that she has her own tear marks down her face.

“Know what to say and when to say it,” I ask her.

She goes over to the little desk and grabs a Kleenex and wipes her eyes. “I don’t want Jack to see me like this.” She totally avoids what I just asked.

“You’re beautiful,” I tell her, and she looks at me.

“We should go and check on him,” she says, and I just nod at her, but I grab her hand before she walks out of the room, making her turn back to look at me.

“Thank you,” I tell her. She just nods at me but doesn’t let my hand go as we walk back to Jack.

“There they are,” Shirley says, looking at us and then down at our hands. Denise lets go and then walks to the side of the bed.

“How is the patient?” She smiles at them, and Mallory looks at her.

“We are almost done,” she says, and then Jack looks at Denise.

“I don’t feel so well,” he says, and I see that his lips are turning a little white.

“Mallory, get some juice.” Denise springs into action while I stand here with fear gripping me. She lowers the head of the bed and grabs a pillow to put under his legs. Mallory comes back with apple juice, and she puts the straw between his lips. “Take a sip for me, honey,” she tells him, and he does. “Little sips.”

As he’s taking small sips, Mallory gets the sphygmomanometer out and takes his blood pressure. “Eighty-five over sixty.”

Denise looks over at me and my mom holding hands. “His blood pressure is low.” She looks back at Jack. “How are you feeling, honey?”

“A little tired,” he says, and she just nods at him.

“You just have to keep talking to me for a bit, and then if everything is okay, you can take a nap.” He takes another sip of apple juice while he lays there.

Mallory takes his pressure again. “Normal,” she says when she finishes.

“Okay, if you want, you can take a nap or sit up,” she tells him, and he turns on his side.

“I want to stay here a bit,” he says, and she runs her hand over his head.

“Okay, honey,” she says softly to him, and Mallory walks out of the room.

“Did he eat a big breakfast this morning?” she asks me, and my mother answers.

“He was a bit antsy, so he took a couple of bites, but not much.”

“That could be it. But I would like to keep him a bit for observation.” She looks back at him. “And if he’s all better by the end of the day, he can go home.”

“Whatever you think,” I say, and then Jack looks up a bit.

“You okay, buddy?” I say, going to the bed, and he just nods his head.

Mallory comes in with a blanket in her hands. “Look what just came out of the dryer.”

She places the blanket on Jack, and he smiles. “It’s so warm.”

“It is,” she says and then looks at Denise.

“I have to go see some of the other patients. But I’ll be back,” she says, leaning over and kissing his cheek. Her eyes come up to me. “Page me if you need me.”

“I will,” I tell her and watch her walk out the door.

My mother walks to the side of the bed where Denise was just at and sits next to Jack, taking him in her arms. “Do you want to sleep a little?” she asks him, and he shakes his head, but his eyelids have other plans. Soon, his snoring fills the room.

“She’s something else,” my mother says, and I sit at the end of the bed, looking at her and Jack. “When I first met her, I didn’t think much of it, but then I saw her with Jack.”

“She’s good with him.”

“No, she’s great with him,” she corrects me. “I’ve never heard him laugh so much. I’ve never seen such happiness in him when he was just playing cars with her. She gives him all of her.”

I don’t say anything. I can’t because she does, and she has from the beginning. “We are very lucky she took the case.”

“I don’t think luck has anything to do with it,” she tells me. “Jack isn’t the only one I see her saving.”

“Mom,” I tell her, and she just shakes her head.

“No, you let me have my say,” she says a bit forceful. “When you brought Chantal home, I didn’t say anything. In fact, I bit my tongue. A lot.” She opens her eyes wide. I just laugh, thinking about the first time I brought her to my parents’ and how she cried when she got mud on her shoe. “Then you came back, and you were engaged, and I thought to myself. My son wouldn’t marry someone like that; I was hoping I was wrong.”

“Mom,” I say, rolling my eyes.

“I’m sure you loved her,” she continues. “She was easy on the eyes, as your father says, but then you came back, and she was pregnant, and I tried. God knows I tried to form a bond with her, but I couldn’t. She just was ...” She looks up at the ceiling like she is trying to find the right words. “She was a bitch.” I laugh now because my mother hates to swear. “Then she had Jack, and I tried to bond with her over Jack, and well, we all know what happened there.”

“You mean your visit to our house that lasted four days?” I ask her, thinking back to when Jack was born and I flew her and Dad down. I was so proud to be a dad, so proud to show her Jack, my son. Well, I was the only one happy. Chantal made it quite clear that she wasn’t up for any visitors, so my mother took the hint, and she and Dad packed up and left the next day.

“Exactly,” she says, “but then I meet Denise, and when she comes into the house, do you know how she greeted me?” she asks me, and I shake my head. “She came in and hugged me right away. She literally hugged me standing in the entrance of your house, thanking me for having her over.”

“She’s a good person.”

“She sat down and played cars with Jack and Michael for three hours and not once did she raise her voice. She wiped up mess after mess at the table, and not once did she scold them or tell them what a mess they were.” Her eyes find mine as if she is trying to burn the image in my brain.

“I get it, Mom,” I tell her.

“Do you?” she asks me. “Do you really? She saw the look on your face when you were looking at Jack. She saw you leave, and she made an excuse to walk out to see to you.” I look down at my hands. “She took care of you, something I don’t think Chantal ever did.”

“It wasn’t all bad,” I try to tell her, but she just looks at me.

“I want you to find love, son,” she starts. “I want you to be loved, and I want you to be so loved that you never have to second-guess it. I want you to find that love and hold onto it, make it bigger, make it everything.”

“She’s probably like that with all her patients,” I tell her.

“Bullshit,” she says loudly. “Stop finding excuses and do something about it.”

“I can’t cross the line. Because then if things don’t work out, it’s awkward for her and especially for Jack,” I tell her, and it’s just another excuse.

“But what if it isn’t?” she says, and I let the question linger in the air, not ready to answer it. Scared to answer it. She doesn’t get a chance to say anything else because we hear a commotion in the hallway and then see nurses flying down the hall.