Chapter 4: Reunited and It Feels So Good

 

 

WHEN ONE has a hornless gay unicorn as a best friend, one tends to know certain things as fact:

First, unicorns are not as pristine as one might think. They tend to be whores and will sleep with most everything that moves. They can be in monogamous relationships, but it’s a rarity. Usually, if they have a partner, they will tend to still participate in threesomes or foursomes or twenty-sevensomes.

Second, you do not fuck with a unicorn, because they will cut a bitch. They are capable of a uniquely terrifying rage that usually begins to reveal itself in the form of glitter secretion. No one knows where the glitter comes from, but when a unicorn starts to sparkle, it’s probably a good idea to run in the opposite direction, because you are undoubtedly about to get horribly murdered in a way that will be painful and drawn-out.

Third, unicorns formed extraordinary bonds with those they deem worthy. If you are able to gain a unicorn’s trust, it’s usually for life. And even if they give you shit every day and make fun of you and talk behind your back, it means that they love you more than almost anything in the world. They show it by damaging your self-esteem.

Fourth, if you have an extraordinary bond with a unicorn and said unicorn happens to be your best friend whom you left in the middle of the night almost a year ago without leaving them a letter specifically addressed to them, they will come barging in through the gates of whatever town you’re staying in, screaming about murder and death and how if they had their horn, Camp HaveHeart would be renamed Gore City, because there was going to be Gore City up in here, you get me, you pasty-ass motherfucking dick lickers?

But what makes it even worse is when said unicorn best friend is coupled with another best friend who happens to be a half-giant.

They feed off each other.

Giants (and therefore half-giants) get a bad rap. They’re considered brutish and violent and oh so stupid, and maybe there is some truth in that. They speak mostly in grunts and are prone to using their fists more than their words. And yes, there was a battle nine hundred years ago in which a tribe of giants tried to take over Verania in the Battle of Squished Innards where many people died after getting smashed, but that was in the past. These days, they stayed beyond the Northern Mountains and no one bothered them, and that was that.

Tiggy, of course, being the exception.

Tiggy, for all his clipped speech and love for brooms, was most certainly not a stereotypical giant. People underestimated him, thinking he was slow and thoughtless, incapable of actual human feelings. But of course, they were wrong, because Tiggy probably had the biggest heart of us all and was smarter than most everyone I knew. He was very protective of the people he loved the most, and usually destroyed any obstacles in his way to get to them.

Hence the barn door, which exploded inward, sending shards of wood flying around the room in an impressively dramatic display. Say what you will about Gary and Tiggy, but they knew how to make an entrance. I loved them with everything I had.

But that didn’t mean I wanted to die. “Hide me!” I squeaked to Kevin. “Oh my gods, you have to hide me. Swallow me whole and then throw me back up later after it’s safe! Okay, wait. That sounds disgusting. Don’t do that. Just my luck, I’d cause your acid reflux to act up, and we all know how that turns out.”

“We are so dead,” Kevin groaned, eyes wide. “There is going to be nothing left of us to bury. Do you think they would show us mercy if I tied you up and flogged you in front of them? Yes, I think they will. Let’s do that. Your safeword is meatloaf.”

“Sam of Wilds!” an ominous voice intoned through the thick dust. “Prepare to meet your doom.”

“Not my doom! You know how I feel about my doom.”

“Yes. I do. Which is why I said it, you little skank.”

“Oh. Right. Continue.”

The dust began to clear, and there, in the destroyed entrance to the barn, were a hornless unicorn and a half-giant.

Tiggy stood with his big hands on his hips, scowling, but also trying hard not to smile, which made for an interesting combination as he looked me up and down, taking me in hungrily. He didn’t look all that different than the last time I’d seen him. His thin dark hair was still wispy around his head, his nose bulbous, face kind and sweet, even though he’d just smashed a heavy barn door. He was wearing trousers that came just below his knees, and a patchwork vest my mother had made for him a few years before for All Hallowed Day, which he took great care of, saying he’d never had anything so nice before.

I wanted to hug his face until it fell off.

Next to him stood Gary, the air around him shimmering with glitter. His mane and tail had been dyed with streaks of purple and pink. His chest was puffed out, one leg raised in the air, bent at the knee and—wait.

I frowned. “Are you two posing?”

Gary snorted. The sparks that came out were periwinkle and teal. “Of course not,” he growled. “That would just be ridiculous.” He flipped his mane. It settled gracefully on the other side of his head.

“Tiggy.”

“Hi, Sam!”

“Are you posing?”

“Yes.”

“Tiggy,” Gary hissed. “Remember the plan.”

Tiggy’s face scrunched up. “Oh. Right. The plan.” He bared his teeth at me. “Sam in big trouble. Gary gonna bring the pain.”

“Oh,” Gary said, slowly turning back to look at me. “That’s right.”

“I am hard as a fucking rock right now,” Kevin muttered.

“Dude!”

“What? I am.”

“Not the time!”

“It’s never the time.”

“Yes, but of all the times, this is the one where it’s the most not the time.”

“That… wow. Your Veranian really took a hit in the woods, didn’t it. Are coherent sentences hard for you?”

“Enough!” Gary bellowed.

“Meep,” Kevin and I said.

Gary and Tiggy glared at us.

Kevin and I tried to make ourselves smaller.

“Now,” Gary said, “here’s how this is going to work. I am going to murder the both of you. And then I am going to resurrect you using arcane magic. And then I am going to murder you again. And then I will resurrect you again. And only then will I entertain the idea of setting a date far in the future in which I will consider the idea of possibly forgiving either of you for your crimes against Tiggy and myself.”

“Tiggy hug Sam now?” Tiggy whispered to Gary.

“No, you can’t hug Sam now. We still need to make him grovel—and you’re already hugging him.”

And he was. He’d taken three large steps forward, and before I could even react, I’d been swept up in his big arms and held tightly against his chest. His heart was beating rapidly, and he was breathing heavily, and I realized my wonderful friend was shaking. My eyes prickled with tears as I heard him sniffle. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his throat.

“My Sam,” he said quietly. “My Sam. My Sam.”

“Hi, Tiggy.”

“Hi.”

“I missed you.”

“Me too. No more, okay? You stay here with Gary and Tiggy forever.”

“Okay.”

“Promise?”

“Yeah,” I said, voice breaking just a little. And even though I knew it was a promise no person could ever make, I said, “Forever,” because I wanted nothing more.

“Tiggy!” Gary growled. “I have never experienced such disappointment in my life. We had a plan. There were going to be threats and intimidation and blood, and then we were going to make them do things for us like laundry and a dance choreographed by yours truly involving unflattering costumes for our specific amusement. And then we were going to cry and hug them and all that other stupid feelings crap.”

“I cry now?” Tiggy said, eyes filling.

“Oh no,” I whispered. “This is going to get very wet.”

“But if you start, I will,” Gary said, lips trembling. The Unicorn Rage glitter was starting to fade. “And at least one of us needs to be angry at them.”

“No angry!” Tiggy wailed, tilting his head back. “Hugging and crying! So happy and sad!”

“I didn’t mean to leave!” I cried. “You have to forgive me!”

Gary ran forward until he collided with Tiggy, who wrapped him up in his other arm, squishing both of us against his chest. “This is going to ruin my makeup,” Gary sobbed, his nostrils pressed against my eyes. It was terrible and wonderful all at the same time. “It will streak down my face, and I will look like the aftermath of a festival celebrating the art of bukkake.”

“That’s so disgusting,” I wept. “I hate you so much for saying that so close to my face.”

“Well, it’s true. And I hate you for making me say it!”

“What bukkake?” Tiggy asked tearfully.

Gary was still crying when he said, “It’s when a group of people take turns ejaculating on someone.”

“Gross,” Tiggy bawled. “Everything happy and sad and gross.”

“I missed you guys so fucking much,” I said, pressing myself closer to Gary. “You have no idea.”

“I expect I do,” Gary said. “And if you think I am letting you out of my sight again in the near future, you’d be sorely mistaken. I am going to cling to you like herpes, you understand me?”

“Tiggy too,” Tiggy said, squeezing us tighter. “I be herpes on your mouth.”

I sighed happily at the thought, which was an impressive feat, seeing as I was still crying along with them.

“Oh look,” a voice said from above us. “Kevin is here too. We should all give some love to Kevin so he doesn’t feel left out or anything and start to doubt he belongs.”

We all slowly looked up at him.

He looked around, eyes wide. “Now, who could have said that? I mean, it’s true, of course, so whoever said that obviously knew what they were talking about.”

Gary pulled away from Tiggy and me, tail up, chest stuck out as he pranced toward Kevin. “Did you fuck other dragons?” Gary demanded.

Kevin peered down at him. “No? One is like my brother. Two are lesbians, one of whom thinks I’m her baby. Which I am. The other is a cranky old man.”

“Did you fuck Sam?”

I gagged. “What? Of course not!”

“Not even when he begged for it,” Kevin told Gary.

“I didn’t beg for anything—”

“Yes,” Gary said, “that sounds like him.”

“In what fucking world does that sound like me?”

“He dressed saucily to try and entice me,” Kevin said, lowering himself until he was eye level with Gary. “But I resisted, no matter how often he tried to present his asshole for my inspection.”

“None of that happened,” I told Tiggy. “Literally none of that.”

“Shh,” Tiggy said, squishing my face back against his chest. “Shhh, Slutty Sam. That’s capitalized. It true now.”

“I will deal with that whore later,” Gary said. “So if you didn’t have sex with dragons or Sam, who did you have sex with?”

“No one,” Kevin said. “Because I was saving myself for you.”

Gary gasped. “You were?”

“I dreamed about going to your bakery,” Kevin growled. “And putting your poppy seed muffins all over my face.”

“Well maybe my bakery is closed permanently,” Gary said, turning his head away to gaze into the distance. “Maybe it went out of business and I don’t have the finances to open it up again.”

“Or maybe it just needs a cash-flow injection,” Kevin said, tongue flicking out. “Something to give it a boost.”

“Oh my,” Gary breathed. “I do like cash-flow injections. And then I could open my bakery and banana nut all over your chest.”

“Tiggy,” I said, struggling to get free, “we have to get out of here. They’re going to have filthy reunion sex, and your soul is far too pure to witness such atrocities!”

“Do you feel that?” Gary purred, rubbing his snout against Kevin’s. “I feel my bakery having a grand reopening celebration right now. In fact, I think there’s something hot in my oven as we speak.”

“Maybe I should get in there and take it out before it burns,” Kevin rumbled.

“Gary,” Tiggy said, “what about the others?”

“Yeah, you should just stick your face in there and pull my muffins out of the oven before they—oh shoot. The others.” He stepped away from Kevin. “Thank you for reminding me, kitten. I lost my head there for a moment.”

“But,” Kevin whimpered, “what about my muffins.”

“I’m still angry with you,” Gary said, tossing his mane like a godsdamn diva. “And I shall not forgive you, no matter how enticing I find you and how much you make my thighs quiver. You are on my shit list. In fact, you are covered in my shit list. You are a pile of shit on a list that I own.”

“I could have done without that description,” I said to no one in particular.

“And don’t think I’ve forgotten about you,” Gary said, eyes blazing.

“But we cried together,” I sputtered. “That’s how we know everything is okay!”

“Okay?” He sounded outraged. “You disappeared and took my ex-husband, who I was separated from but was considering a trial reconciliation with. How in the world is any of that okay?”

“We hugged, though.”

“Yes, we did. And you’re welcome for that. You must have really enjoyed being so close to me. But just because we hugged doesn’t mean I have decided whether or not to skin your flesh from your bones as of yet and wear it as a Sam suit to frighten all the children away.”

“So graphic,” I breathed.

“Indeed.”

“I get to wear your face,” Tiggy said, kissing my forehead. “Sam mask.”

“You would look so cool wearing my face,” I assured him. “And what others? Is it Ryan and Justin?” I gulped audibly. “Aren’t they with you?”

“They’re coming along shortly,” Gary said. “Ryan woke us all up in the middle of the night, saying he’d had a dream you were back in Camp HaveHeart and that he thought it was real, so Tiggy and I took off running, leaving them behind because we get to have the first We Hate You Reunion—and yes, that was capitalized, because it’s motherfucking true—since we are your oldest and dearest friends. Ryan and Justin remained behind, yelling after us for some reason I didn’t have time to think about.”

I cocked my head at him. “Maybe because you left them behind?”

“Oh. Right. Yeah. Huh. How about that. I guess I was just too much in a hurry to get here and yell at you because I hate you.”

“You don’t hate me.”

“Little bit.”

“Where were you, anyways? I was told you were on a mission—”

His eyes narrowed. “Who told you that?”

“Katya and Brant.”

“Ah yes,” Gary said. “Those two. Obvious ancillary characters who served no real purpose other than to reintroduce a dashing hero and will probably never be mentioned again.”

“Probably,” I agreed. “But they were nice people. And thank you for the dashing hero comment. I concur completely.”

“It was a figure of speech that doesn’t necessarily describe my feelings for you, you strange whore. And yes, they’re the nicest. How did you meet them? They were supposed to be infiltrating a Dark post.”

“We found them in the forest cornered by Caleb and some other Darks. I rescued them and—”

“Did you murder his entire existence?” Gary demanded.

I shrugged. “Nah. I used him to send Myrin a message that I was back and badass and stuff. Did this whole magic thing that was really impressive, if I do say so myself.”

“Well,” Gary said. “Not the direction I would have gone, but okay. I’ll allow it.”

“Also, I wore my hood while kicking their collective asses and didn’t reveal my identity until the end.”

“You bitch. How dare you try to upstage me with theatrics. I hate you.”

I grinned at him, face feeling a little tight. “Dude, I love you.”

“Obviously. I am the light of your life, as I should be.” He paused, then shook his head. “Just… don’t. Ever again, you understand me? We can’t—” He coughed and looked away. “We can’t be without you. Not that I need you or anything. I am a strong, independent unicorn who don’t need no mens, and I will not take your shit. Is that clear?”

“Crystal.”

“Good. Okay! All is forgiven.”

I blinked. “Really? That… huh. That was easier than I thought.”

His nostrils flared dangerously. “Would you like me to rethink that decision?”

“Nope,” I said hastily. “I’m totally in agreement.”

“Hurray!” Kevin said. “I have never felt more jubilant than I do right now—”

“Not you,” Gary snarled, whirling back on the dragon. “You are still going to face my wrath when you least expect it.”

“You forgave Sam!”

“Of course I didn’t. I just said that to lull him into a false sense of security so that one day, when I come for him, he won’t be expecting me—I mean, yes, yes, I did forgive him. He’s my best friend and I love him so.” His eyes shifted side to side. Shiftily.

“Oh no,” I whispered. “My life is over.”

He smiled sweetly. “The moment you stepped foot back into Camp HaveHeart.”

“Should have waited for Justin and Knight Delicious Face?” Tiggy asked.

“Not at all,” Gary told him. “They have legs. We’re not their bitches. If they want to see Sam so bad, they can run here just like we did. And gods help them if they didn’t bring my luggage back. I will fuck their shit up.”

“I’m so dead,” I whispered.

 

 

CAMP HAVEHEART was awake and moving when we walked out the destroyed barn door, a crowd having gathered but quickly dispersing like they wanted us to think they hadn’t been listening in on every word. Mom and Dad were waiting for us on their porch, Vadoma seated next to them, her pipe between her lips. My parents looked relieved as we all walked out side by side, as if they expected missing limbs and kicked-in teeth. Which, to be fair, I’d expected too. Mom said something I couldn’t make out to Vadoma, but whatever it was, Vadoma just shook her head. Mom sighed and then pulled my father to fall in step beside us.

“Josh-pop,” Tiggy said, picking up my father and setting him on his shoulder. “Hi! I miss you. My brooms okay?”

“You don’t have to carry me,” Dad grumbled. “What if all the knights see?” Tiggy made to set him down, but Dad wasn’t fooling anyone when he pushed Tiggy’s hand away. “Your brooms are all accounted for. I made sure.”

“Good Josh-pop,” Tiggy crooned.

Mom was petting Gary’s mane. “Did you give him the ol’ what for?”

“He was crying and everything,” Gary said haughtily. “It was so embarrassing for him. Snot just dripping from his nose.”

“Hey! You cried too! Remember the whole bukkake thing?”

Gary stared at me. “Sam, how dare you speak like that in front of your dear, sweet mother. Honestly, Rosemary, I don’t know where he gets such things from. Obviously too much time was spent in the forest. I will correct that immediately. You can count on that.”

“Stupid fucking best friends,” I muttered. “I love you so godsdamn much.”

“Good,” Mom said to Gary. “And Kevin?”

“The bakery is closed for the foreseeable future,” Kevin said mournfully. “I can’t even get any biscotti.”

“Ew,” Mom, Dad, Tiggy, and I all said at the same time.

“The mission?” Dad asked from Tiggy’s shoulder.

“Unfortunately partially successful,” Gary grumbled. “But I told you they would be nothing but a pain in my ass. There was a reason I didn’t ask them for anything to begin with. I don’t like them that much.”

“But if they can help you find your horn, then don’t you think it’s worth it?” Mom asked, pressing a kiss to the side of his head.

“You say that now.”

“Your horn?” I demanded. “You found it? Who’s coming here? What can they do? Why am I yelling?”

“No,” Gary said, “we haven’t found it yet. There’s no point.”

“Of course there is,” Mom said quietly. “And don’t try to convince us otherwise. If there is to be any hope, then we need you to find it. You know that. Everything counts now.”

Gary sighed. “I know.”

“Why isn’t anyone telling me what’s going on!”

“Like you told us when you were leaving?” Dad asked.

“Boom,” Tiggy said, offering my dad a fist bump, which he gladly accepted.

“You guys suck,” I muttered. “I’m a wizard. You don’t get to—”

“Apprentice,” Gary coughed.

I grinned smugly at him. “Not anymore, dude, so bite me.”

Gary screeched to a halt. “Say what?”

“No longer can you interject apprentice into conversation with a ridiculous pseudocough. I am full-on hard-core wizard now.”

“Whoa,” Tiggy said. “For true?”

“For true, my height-advantaged friend.”

Gary was immediately in my space again, nostrils flaring as he pressed his nose against mine. I went a little cross-eyed trying to focus on him. “Hi,” he panted heavily.

“Um. Hi?”

“You’re not an apprentice anymore?”

“Nope.”

“Big-time wizard.”

“Yep.”

“Not Sam of Wilds?”

“Nope.”

“Sam of….”

“Dragons.”

“Huh. That’s sexy.”

“Thank you.”

“I might be attracted to you.”

“Uh.”

“You might want to keep checking your mail.”

“For….”

His mouth pressed against my chin. “For your invitation to the grand reopening celebration of my bakery.”

I shoved his face away as he cackled. “I will not go to your grand reopening celebration, you foul beast.”

“Where is my invitation?” Kevin asked.

“Got lost,” Gary said breezily. “How sad. Moving on.”

“What? Damn mailman. I shall see him between my teeth.”

“Well, you should have thought of that before you chased this hot piece of ass into the forest. Speaking of, Sam. Have I ever told you that I can open my mouth really, really wide? It’s almost like I can unhinge my jaw. And I don’t have a gag reflex.”

“He doesn’t,” Kevin said sadly, wings drooping. “It’s one of the things I like about him. Other than his heart.”

“Don’t you dare try and make me swoon, Kevin. Shit list. You are covered in it.”

“Worst reunion ever,” I muttered.

 

 

THERE WAS yet another gathering at the gates, and I wondered if these people had nothing better to do all day than gawk. It didn’t help that I was unsure how Ryan and Justin would react. I told myself to be ready in case they walked up to the gates hand in hand, staring deeply into each other’s eyes, laughing at inside jokes only they got. I’d be the spurned wife left holding a child on each hip, looking at Ryan and Justin in all their happiness. My heart would shrivel in bitterness, and I would begin to spiral into madness. The children would be taken away from me, and Ryan and Justin would raise them. Eventually, six years down the road, I would be caught up in a spiderweb of lies and deceit, standing over Justin’s body after he’d been poisoned eating pumpkin soup, sobbing and asking if Ryan was happy now, that he made me do this, he made me kill my best friend 5eva and—

“Whoa,” I whispered. “I’m slightly psychotic. That’s not a revelation I expected at this juncture.”

“What was that?” Gary asked.

“Oh nothing. Just making plans to make sure Ryan loves me forever.”

“Creepy,” Tiggy whispered.

“That’s what happens when you become a wizard,” Gary explained patiently. “Sam is no longer adorable. He has bushy eyebrows and—”

“I forgot to pluck!” I wailed, covering my face. “How could you let me out into public looking like this?”

“I thought we were just ignoring it in hopes that it went away.”

“Okay,” I said. “New idea. I run, and Ryan and Justin live happily ever after with my babies—”

“Nice try,” Gary said, pushing my back with his head, forcing me through the crowd. “Do you know how long I’ve waited to witness this?”

“Don’t you dare say eleven—”

“Eleven months. You won’t deprive me of drama when it is so readily available. It has been absolutely dreadful without your carriage wreck of a life. Who do you think feeds my need for the dramatics? Tiggy?”

“I ain’t no cheap trick,” Tiggy said, much to my consternation.

“I taught him that,” Gary said proudly.

“Great,” I said. “Fantastic. Glad to be of help.”

“You shut your bitch mouth,” Gary snarled. Then he blinked. “Yikes. Sorry about that. Apparently I’m still slightly angry with you. Strange how that works, you do something without me and then come back like it was nothing.”

“You don’t need to—” But then Gary pushed me into someone. Before I could apologize for Gary’s ridiculous behavior, I saw who I’d stumbled against.

She turned to scowl at me, holding her head high. “Of course it was you.”

“Lady Tina,” I said. “How unfortunate that you didn’t pass beyond the veil overnight. I expected more from you.”

“Sorry to disappoint,” she said primly, the Foxy Lady Brigade standing at attention behind her, facing the gates. “I was too busy protecting what remains of the proud country of Verania.”

“Yesssss,” Gary hissed. “This is what I’ve missed. Cut each other with semi-thought-out barbs. Fight to the death!”

We stared at him.

He didn’t even have the decency to look chagrined. I loved him even more for it.

I didn’t know what that said about me.

“Why are you even here?” I asked.

She stiffened. “In case you missed it yesterday, I am in charge here under Knight Commander Foxheart and Prince Justin. While they were absent, Camp HaveHeart was left in my capable hands.”

“Uh-oh,” Gary whispered.

“Well, that will be something that will need to be addressed once they return. In fact, I do believe you shall be banished. In fact, why don’t you go pack up your belongings now so we don’t have to delay the inevitable?”

The crowd began to whisper furiously around me.

Lady Tina’s eyes narrowed. “I think you’ll find yourself outvoted in that regard. I have more than proven myself to those that matter.”

“Oh, girl,” Gary whispered. “You should not have said that, girl.”

“Really,” I said coldly. “You tried to turn the people of Verania against me. You played a part in the death of Morgan of Shadows. You nearly got Ryan Foxheart killed. Randall is missing. I was forced into the Dark Woods to seek out a way to finish this once and for all. Tell me, how exactly have you proven yourself to those that matter when I wasn’t here?”

For a moment she looked slightly fearful, and I thought I’d won. But somehow she found the strength to shore herself up against my vindictiveness. She stood tall, and if she were anyone else, I might have been impressed.

“I accept my actions for what they were,” she said, voice even. “I made mistakes. But like before, you place blame on others without accepting any for yourself. What about your actions, Sam? What about everything you did which led to where we stand now?”

I was giving serious consideration to turning her whole body into so much running pus, but before I could, something in me shifted, a void in my head and heart filling like it hadn’t in a long time. My magic began to sing, and I had to close my eyes against the onslaught of it all. It was more than I remembered, but then, I was a different person now.

And I knew what it meant.

Lady Tina was forgotten. Gary and Tiggy and Kevin were forgotten. My parents were forgotten.

The crowd around us, undoubtedly already spreading rumors, didn’t seem to matter anymore.

All I cared about was that my cornerstone was near.

Even when we were children and he was a teenage douchebag I had turned to stone, there had been a connection between us. I truly believed it was because of him my magic manifested the way it had. Randall had once said we were woven together more tightly than even he expected, and I didn’t know if I’d ever heard him speak more of the truth.

I remembered the way his hand had felt in mine when we’d danced that night at the ball the King had thrown when he’d promoted Ryan to Knight Commander. The way Ryan had looked at me as we danced those three waltzes—like I was the only person in the world—had made my skin itch and heart hurt.

He loved me even then, and I didn’t know. I thought he was out of my reach.

And then I’d been at his side, facing the Darks, and the cruel twist of fate revealed itself when my magic sang for the first time in a way I could recognize as home. He was my home, and he belonged to another.

He stood upon a keep far from everything I’d known and wished for nothing more than me.

But wishes spoken aloud never come true. Everyone knew that. So I let him go.

But we were tied together. The both of us. Randall had been right about that. Something about us was always meant to be, and the void was filling, and I thought there was a chance I could do anything asked of me, if only he could be at my side.

Once upon a time, I sat alone in the desert under a night sky and made a wish. One that I’ve never told anyone, because I wanted it to come true.

Make me mortal. When all is said and done. I will protect my King, this one and the next. I will protect my kingdom. I will do all that you ask, but I want a mortal life for my happy ending. This is my wish.

I needed to hope he already hadn’t had Justin’s babies.

Because I would hate to have to steal some children’s father away from them. I’d feel real bad about it for at least a week, and no one wanted that.

I started to push my way through the crowd, but they offered no resistance. They parted as if they, too, had been waiting for this exact moment.

When I reached the open gate, I saw something unexpected.

I stopped.

And breathed, “I’ve had sex dreams that started just like this.”

Because a big fat ray of sun had burst through the clouds and was shining upon Ryan Foxheart, who was galloping toward me atop a steed, its white mane billowing majestically. He wore his Knight Commander armor, which looked as if it’d been spotlessly scrubbed, cuts of red rock embedded into the silver metal. His sword was drawn, and as I watched, he flourished it almost as if he were in slow motion, his wavy hair jostling about his head, green eyes bright.

He looked like every fantasy I’d ever had, and it was imperative that I fuck him senselessly into the nearest surface, not caring if we had an audience or not. Even the fact that my parents were there wouldn’t stop me. I was going to destroy him. He was going to be covered in my spunk, so much so that it was going to make Gary’s glazed donuts seem like work done by an amateur.

“Yeah,” I muttered, not caring who could hear me. “You ride that steed toward me, you dirty motherfucker. You’re not going to be able to walk for a week by the time I’m done with—”

And that’s when I saw the horse upon which he rode was not actually a horse at all.

It looked suspiciously like my best friend standing next to me. Aside from the fact that it had a large, shimmering horn atop its head.

Which killed any and all sexy thoughts. Mostly.

Because what.

“What a fucking show-off,” Gary muttered, coming up beside me. “Did he really think he would get away with that? It’s so racist.”

“Who?” I asked, unsure of what the hell was going on. “Ryan?”

Gary rolled his eyes. “Not Ryan. Terry.”

“Terry.”

“Yes, Terry.”

“Terry.”

“Why are you repeating his name? Do you really hate me that much?”

“I don’t—wait. Terry. As in your twin brother Terry.”

Gary squinted at me. “So you got stupid in the woods, huh? That’s unfortunate.”

“Your twin brother. Is here.”

“You don’t have to keep reminding me. I was against this, but Ryan and Justin thought we needed him.”

“I have no idea what’s even happening right now.”

Gary sighed. “Maybe if you would stop drooling over your boyfriend riding my brother, you’d be able to figure it out.”

“Oh my gods, phrasing. You can’t just say it like that!”

“It’s literally what is happening. Ryan is straddling my brother, thighs wrapped around his middle while he rocks back and forth—oh look. There’s the Prince.”

Grand Prince Justin of Verania was walking toward the gates, still a distance away behind Ryan and Terry. He didn’t look too pleased, as he appeared to be carrying quite a few bags.

“Oh thank gods he remembered my scarves,” Gary said. “I would have hated to see his blood spilled underneath my hooves.”

“Your brother,” I insisted.

“Yeah,” Gary sighed. “My brother.”

Gary and his family… well. They didn’t exactly have the most loving relationship. Oh, sure, I knew they cared about each other, and Gary didn’t exactly have a terrible childhood, but things were strained between them. The last I’d heard, his mom and dad had been off on some swingers tour that had apparently lasted for at least three years, where they would tour the world and apparently partner swap with other magical creatures at large orgies that sounded amazing in theory (taste the rainbow!) but disgusting in actuality (it tasted nothing like rainbows!).

And even though Gary and I had been friends for years, I had yet to meet any of his family. They sent letters every now and then that always seemed to be dusted with copious amounts of glitter, and Gary and Tiggy went to see them once years ago, with Morgan refusing to let me go with them, saying that a seventeen-year-old me did not need to be surrounded by three unicorns. Something about potentially triggering an apocalypse or whatever. I’d made Gary promise to bring me a souvenir. He’d told me to go fuck myself, and then he’d brought me back a T-shirt that said I’M NOT GAY BUT MY GIRLFRIEND IS. It had confounded me greatly.

Terry, on the other hand, was more of a mystery. From what I gathered on the little pieces Gary had dropped every now and then, their relationship was… contentious. Gary had said once that he wished he’d consumed Terry while they were still in the womb to save him from having to deal with his existence.

I’d laughed because I’d thought he was kidding.

Looking back, I didn’t think he was kidding.

So the worst thing I could have said was “Your brother looks pretty fucking majestic.”

Gary gasped. “You fucking come slut. How could you say that to my face!”

“Oh, man, I am so sorry. I meant to think that, not say it out loud. Dude, my bad.”

“I hate you. This is the worst day of my life.”

“Hey! I just came back after being gone for almost a year. This is the best day of your life.”

“Gary! Hey, Gary! Look at me! Look how progressive I am! I’m letting a man ride on my back. Who’s stuck-up now, you light-footed ninny?”

Light-footed ninny, I mouthed to myself.

Terry came to a stop in front of the gates, panting slightly from the exertion. His chest and legs were muscular, and his tail and mane were white, thick, and wavy. His horn was much larger and thicker than I expected it to be, and had it not been for Ryan Foxheart on his back, I might have swooned a little bit, which was a very odd thought to have.

Ryan dismounted with ease, armor clinking as he slid from Terry’s back.

I wished more than anything that everyone would leave.

But they didn’t, of course. They were waiting to see what was going to happen as much as I was.

Ryan looked… good. Really good. He was a little thinner than he’d been, cheekbones more pronounced, and the beard he’d worn temporarily back at Castle Freeze Your Ass Off had made a reappearance. His blond hair was as long as it’d ever been, and he reached up to push it back off his face in a practiced move that would have been stupid on anyone else but made me want to eat him alive.

There was a scar too, on his face, that hadn’t been there before. It was thin and white and started on the left side and stretched toward his nose. In the scheme of things, it was minor, but it hit me then, truly hit me, that there was a history here that I wasn’t privy to. Events that I wasn’t a part of had occurred. Someone had hurt him—a while ago, from the looks of it—and I hadn’t been there to protect him.

The thought made my chest ache.

“Ryan,” I croaked out, and I took a step forward to—

Lady Tina beat me to him. She pushed past me, marching forward, and stood at attention in front of him as if she were one of his knights. Ryan glanced at her before looking back at me with that intense gaze of his, as if he thought there was a chance I’d disappear.

“Knight Commander,” Lady Tina said, a hint of a purr in her voice. “Welcome back to Camp HaveHeart. I’m pleased to see the mission was successful. If you’d like, I can provide you with a detailed report of day-to-day activities that occurred in your absence.”

He looked a little startled at that, glancing back at her again. “I would hear it, and I’m sure it would be as… comprehensive as always, but there are matters of pressing importance that I must attend to first.”

Lady Tina stiffened just a little, and I was barely able to hold back my crow of victory, because I was the matter of pressing importance, and I was going to press him against so many things.

If he let me, that is.

“I understand,” Lady Tina said slowly as if she didn’t understand it in the slightest. “I suppose I can give my report to Prince Justin.”

“Yeah,” Ryan said, once again distracted by me. “That sounds… good.”

“Ooh,” one of the Foxy Ladies breathed as the others started to titter. “I think I’m starting to quiver. You know. Down there.”

Lady Tina glared back at them, and they fell silent immediately.

She stepped aside.

Ryan took a step toward me as he sheathed his sword.

“Knight Commander,” Terry said, and I thought I would be capable of murdering the next fucking thing that interrupted us. “Or should I call you Ryan now? I mean, we are close after letting you on my back, after all. Ryan. Yes. I think I shall call you Ryan. Anyway. Ryan, since I am a guest at your camp, I would like to—”

“Would you shut your fat mouth?” Gary hissed at him. “You’re interrupting the reunion I’ve written fan fiction for. This has been almost a year in the making. I swear to the gods, Terry, if you ruin this for me, I will kick you in the fucking uvula.”

Terry snorted daintily. The sparks were chartreuse. “Like you could even find my uvula. You don’t even know what a uvula is.” His voice was deeper than Gary’s. It was really rather dreamy. For a unicorn.

“Well… okay. That’s true. I don’t. It sounds disgusting. But I won’t stop until I find it, even if that means I need to trample all over your stupid body, so help me.”

“In your throat,” Tiggy whispered. “Dangly.”

“Thank you, kitten, I don’t know what I’d do—annnnd Sam is glaring at me. I wish I could say I hadn’t missed that, but that would be a lie. He looks like a frustrated crack-addicted puppy. It’s so adorable, I feel the need to give him an intervention.”

“That’s Sam?” Terry asked, peering over at me. “The fearsome wizard who will save us all? How… underwhelming.”

“Terry,” Ryan said, a warning clear in his voice. “Leave Sam alone.”

“Fine,” he sighed. “You know I would do anything for you.”

Ryan looked back at me. “When did you—”

“Just kiss already,” Deidre hissed. “I need to see it.”

“Please don’t get them started,” Justin said, sounding as dry as ever. He approached the gate, looking as perfect as always, dark brown curls falling artfully around his head. He was cool and aloof, and I knew he was trying desperately to keep from throwing himself at me, sobbing that I was never to leave him again. He was good at keeping his emotions underneath the cold exterior, but I could see right through him. “They’ll never stop, and it’s something I don’t want to have to witness until I’ve worked up to it.”

“Gary,” Kevin whispered.

“Yes, dragon who I haven’t decided if I’ve forgiven yet?”

“What are your feelings on having sex with twins?”

“Well, I don’t suppose I’ve given it much thought. I mean, if there were two of you—wait a godsdamn minute.”

“You’ve talked about me with your brother?” I asked Gary, feeling strangely touched.

“Nothing nice,” Gary said savagely. “Because you do stupid things like leave me behind. In fact, I doubt I’ve ever complimented anything about you when talking to him.”

“Oh please,” Terry said, rolling his beautiful eyes. “If I didn’t know any better, I would have assumed you wanted to mount him.”

“I can’t believe this is real,” I whispered feverishly. “I’m so happy. Not about the mounting, of course, but everything else. Oh, and once, just once, I’d like to meet a magical creature whose name is something like Volos or Fraenier.”

“You know a dragon named Zero Ravyn Moonfire,” Gary pointed out. “And also, your name is Sam. That’s super boring, just like everything else about you, you little fuck.”

“I will punch your friggin’ face off,” I warned him. “Come at me, bro. You mess with the bull, you’re gonna get the horn.”

Gary gasped. “How dare you make fun of the fact that I don’t have my horn yet!” His eyes filled with tears. “As if I would ever do that to you.”

“We gonna cry again?” Tiggy asked, bottom lip trembling.

“No,” I said, throat thick. “We can’t cry. We don’t have time to—”

“Yes!” Gary wailed. “Sam goes away for a year, and then he comes back and makes fun of me!”

“You made fun of my eyebrows!”

“Because they’re hideous! What did you expect me to do?”

“That’s just mean—okay, time out.”

Gary and Tiggy’s tears dried immediately.

“Okay,” I said. “New rule. Can we agree that if one of us has to go live in the forest for an extended period of time, the others can’t make fun of their appearance when they return? I mean, it’s not like there’s a lot of facilities in order to maintain our beautiful selves at the level we’re used to.”

“That’s true,” Gary said. “And also, it’s not as if you necessarily have control of how you look. It’s like making fun of someone who is bald. Why would you do that? It’s not fair, because they can’t control their hair loss.”

“I just like all people,” Tiggy said.

“Okay, we agree we can’t make fun of the way another looks after they go into the Dark Woods for a long time and come back out with unruly eyebrows—”

“And oily-looking skin,” Gary added. “And rambunctious nose hairs. And—”

“Thank you, Gary,” I said through gritted teeth. “Those things, and we also can’t make fun of balding people, because that’s just mean. Agreed?”

“Aye,” Tiggy and Gary said.

“The ayes have it, then,” I said. “Rule number one thousand, eight hundred, and forty-seven of the Sam/Gary/Tiggy Friendship has been—”

“Everyone leave!” Ryan Foxheart barked, sending shivers through me. This was the Knight Commander I knew. “If anyone bothers Sam or myself for the next hour, there will be consequences.”

The crowd didn’t even hesitate as they dispersed, Gary and Tiggy immediately stopping their tears as they glanced between Ryan and me.

“What’s happening?” Tiggy whispered to Gary.

“Someone’s butt is gonna get reamed.”

“Good way or bad way?”

“Could be both, kitten. Could be both. Now, come on. You can help me ignore Kevin and also try and ditch my brother. We’ll pretend we have an important meeting to attend to, but in actuality, the time will be spent with you telling me how pretty I am while feeding me freshly peeled grapes. And when I say peeled, I mean peeled. A plague upon your head if there is any skin left, you understand?”

“I like my brooms.”

“Yes, yes, I know, you gigantic weirdo whom I love desperately.”

I didn’t see them leave, as I only had eyes for Ryan Foxheart, my stomach flip-flopping nervously.

“Are you sure?” Terry asked Ryan in a low voice. “I can stay here with you if you think you’ll need me.”

“I won’t,” Ryan said.

“Well, then,” Terry said stiffly. “If you want to put it that way. I forgive you, though. I know the strain you’re under must be extraordinary. I’ll be here when you’re done.”

And then there were only three of us: Justin, Ryan, and me. The Prince looked between Ryan and me before he rolled his eyes. “Gods, you two are the worst. You have an hour. We have many things to discuss now that Sam has finally returned. Not a minute more. If I have to send someone to find you both, there will be trouble. This may not be a Verania I recognize anymore, but I am still the godsdamn Prince, and until we get my father back, I act in his stead.”

And that… shit. That was something I hadn’t given much thought to. Oh sure, I’d felt sick at the idea of Myrin imprisoning the King, and was planning on at least forty-seven different ways to have my revenge, but I hadn’t put myself in Justin’s shoes. I had lost much, but in my absence, the country Justin knew had changed and his father had been taken from him. And that rested upon my shoulders. If I’d stayed, things might have been different.

But Justin’s father had been taken, not just the King. I could only imagine how I’d feel if Myrin had my dad.

“I’m sorry,” I tried to tell him as he walked by, an annoyed look on his face as he dropped all of Gary’s luggage. “I didn’t mean—”

“Sam.” He stopped beside me, shoulder to shoulder. “Don’t.”

I nodded, because he was right. He didn’t want to hear an apology from me. I didn’t blame him for being angry with me.

He sighed loudly like I was an idiot. Which, to be fair, was probably true.

And then he did something I didn’t expect.

He pulled me into a hug.

As far as hugs go, it wasn’t great. His armor was bulky and poked at my chest and stomach. He felt stiff, and it was awkward. But the fact that he initiated it after everything I’d done meant more to me than I could put into words.

“I’m glad you’re home,” he whispered in my ear. “And I will kill you if you tell anyone I said that. I mean it, Sam. I will chop off your head myself. But I’m glad. Even if your inane prattling makes me want to stab my own eardrums, it… hasn’t been the same without you.”

“We’ll get him back,” I said, voice muffled against his shoulder. “I promise. I’ll do everything to get him back.”

He tensed a little at that but didn’t pull away. “I know,” he said, voice tight. “And I don’t blame you for this. I know you must think I do, and no matter what I say, you won’t believe me. But it’s true. This is on Myrin, and no one else.”

I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t think I had anything left to say.

“And go easy on Ryan, okay? He’s… just. Let him say what he needs to. It’ll be all right. In the end.”

He pulled away after that, the stoic mask of the Prince once again on his face. He glanced back at Ryan. “One hour. I mean it. Don’t test me.”

And then he was gone.

Above us, the guards of Camp HaveHeart moved along the walkways, the wood shifting and groaning. They were talking overloud, as if they thought it’d give Ryan and me some privacy. I didn’t think it worked as much as they thought it would.

Ryan must not have thought so either, because one moment he was staring at me with a strange look on his face, and the next he stalked toward me, scowling. He grabbed me roughly by the arm, ignoring my squawk as he pulled me behind him.

“Hey, hey, maybe buy me dinner first before you manhandle me, you big—”

The glare he shot over his shoulder was not to be trifled with, so I shut my mouth and let myself be led to my doom.

Gods. I really hated my doom.