Chapter 13: The Horn of the Unicorn

 

 

I JOINED Randall on the porch a short while later, blinking against the sunlight, the sounds of the bustling camp washing over me. I took in a deep breath of the crisp, clean air and scrubbed a hand over my face.

Randall was sitting on a wooden chair, watching the camp move around him, pack at his feet. “All right?”

I shrugged. “Did you read it? After he….”

“It wasn’t addressed to me.”

“He….” I shook my head. “I don’t know what I’m feeling right now.”

“I expect not. But I’ve learned sometimes it’s okay not to know. You’ll figure it out when you’re ready.”

“Ugh. Do I look puffy?”

He glanced at me. “Very much so. And your nose is running, and your eyes are red. You look terrible.”

“You don’t have to sound so pleased about it.”

“You’ve tested my patience today. I do believe I’m allowed.”

“You’re just jealous because I’m a twenty-two-year-old wizard and you had nothing to do with it. Well, aside from the whole helping Morgan to guide me from a very young age, challenging me at every turn, beating my ego to a bloody pulp, encouraging me to follow my heart with my cornerstone, and saving my life a time or two. So. Suck it.”

Randall looked at me warily. “If you try and hug me, I promise you the consequences will be severe.”

I took that into consideration.

I found the threat to be viable and kept my hands to myself, even though they were itching to reach for him.

“Besides,” he said, picking his pack up from the porch, “I would think you’d want to see what’s going to happen next.”

He had a point. “Have you ever seen a unicorn reunited with their horn before?”

“No. Gary’s the only one who I’ve ever known to have had their horn removed at all. There are… stories about others before him, but I can’t attest to their validity. Unicorns are rare, and the fact that they’re protected—or rather, they were protected—under Veranian law makes the offense of taking a horn unconscionable.”

“So what you’re saying is that we have no idea what’s going to happen.”

“Precisely.”

“Nothing could happen.”

“I suppose.”

“It might not even reattach itself.”

“There is that.”

“And if it did, he’ll just be the same as he was.”

“That too is a possibility.”

“Or the horn will reattach itself, there will be an explosion of rainbows and glitter, and then Gary will be so powerful that he’ll sing a song with a troupe of shirtless backup dancers choreographed immaculately before he turns on us and murders us all for hiding his horn from him under your magical mesh after you stole it back from a roving band of thieving nuns.”

Randall sighed. “I don’t know how it is that I get sucked into your shenanigans.”

“There’s no escape,” I told him solemnly. “Should we try and take this out of the camp so no one gets trampled and/or gets a ticket to Gore City after—oh. You’ve already opened your pack and uncovered the horn. Well. I honestly have no idea how this is going to go.”

The horn was… ethereal. It shimmered in Randall’s hand as he pulled it from his pack, glitter filling the air around it and sprinkling onto the floor. Little rainbows shot from the tip, fractals of light that moved almost as if sentient, swirling with a purpose, bright and beautiful. I was hit then, right in the center of my chest, with a sense of purity, of a white light that felt warm and inviting and incapable of corruption. I’d never felt magic like it before, so untainted and clean. The fact that it belonged to Gary was almost unbelievable, given that he tended to shout my name while he while getting rimmed by a dragon.

It struck me then that maybe we needed to have a talk about that.

But before I could formulate a course of action (Gary, please don’t say my name while Kevin is tongue-fucking your butthole, thanks, I really appreciate it), there was an unearthly shriek from somewhere in the camp.

Everyone froze and turned toward the source.

“Oh no,” I breathed.

From the barn came a blinding burst of light and, inexplicably, the strong odor of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, which probably meant that Gary had shit himself. Unicorns were fascinating creatures that tended to make gross things smell like a kindly grandmother’s kitchen. I once stumbled upon him and Tiggy planning on selling Gary’s poop for profit, trying to say that a unicorn’s feces had magical medicinal purposes. Somehow they’d roped me into the whole thing (“Just think about it, Sam! We’ll call it Gary’s Mystical Magical Wonder Shit and will make a fortune!”), but Morgan had discovered us hand-feeding Gary large quantities of fibrous foods and had quickly put the kibosh on the whole thing. (“Just think about it, Morgan. We’ll call it—” “No, Sam.”) But that had been so long ago, when we were younger and more foolish.

(It was two days before Justin had been kidnapped by Kevin.)

(I often did things I regretted later.)

“Maybe I didn’t think this through as well as I should have,” Randall said with a frown.

“GWAAAAHHHH!” Tiggy bellowed.

“Probably not,” I said weakly. “Whatever you do, don’t run. A unicorn’s vision is based on movement.”

“Isn’t that what all vision is based on—”

There comes a time in every young wizard’s life when he has a unicorn best friend named Gary who bursts out from a barn in a makeshift camp looking majestic as all fuck. It’s part of growing up.

And Gary did not disappoint.

He leapt into view, white coat practically glowing (or actually glowing, I wasn’t quite sure), his mane billowing around him like the gods themselves were sending a wind just for him. His head was held high, and one leg was raised out in front of him, bent at the knee.

“What is he doing?” Randall asked.

I sighed. “He’s posing. I swear, that unicorn. He gets it from Ryan. Or Ryan gets it from him. Either way, it’s a vicious cycle.”

“And is he… singing?”

I sighed harder.

I didn’t think singing was the right word for it. Yes, his mouth was open, and yes, he was making a noise that I assumed was his impression of an angelic choir, but then in all the years I’d known Gary, I’d learned that whether you wanted it to happen or not, unicorns tended to surprise you.

“Ooooh,” the crowd said.

“Yes,” Gary said, puffing his chest out farther. “Ooooh is right.”

A large shadow fell on the crowd from a creature circling overhead. People shouted and scattered as Kevin landed, kicking up dirt and grass. “My love!” he cried. “I felt something that I’ve never felt before! While I was flying high above Camp HaveHeart—which I do believe we all agree should be renamed Camp DragonCorn in honor of our epic love—protecting you and the little tiny bugs known as humans from any danger that would dare show its face, a shock of great power rolled its way through me! It was the strangest thing, but it felt familiar to me, like I had once been inside of whoever the power belonged to. So there is a chance that one of my exes is here, and I ask that you don’t fight over me, even if you feel the need to cover the both of you in oil and wrestle. I shan’t allow it.”

“I can’t believe he’s one of the dragons that are supposed to help save the world,” I muttered.

“These are your friends,” Randall added unnecessarily, because he was an asshole.

“Oh please,” Gary said with a delicate sniff, still somehow maintaining his magnificent pose. “If one of the disasters of your past dared to show their face in my presence, they would be overcome by the glory that is me and flee in shame that they ever tried to look you back up because they’d randomly been thinking about you the other day and wanted to check in and see how you were doing.”

“Yes, exactly,” Kevin said, tail twitching like it did when he was starting to get worked up. Someone needed to put a stop to this before it escalated. There were children present. Poor, innocent children who believed unicorns were pure. “I am so glad you agreed to move beyond trial reconciliation to the We’re Back Together stage of our relationship.”

“He capitalized that,” I whispered to Randall. “So you know it’s true.”

“I absolutely do not care.”

“I know,” Gary said to Kevin. “You’re very lucky that I’ve decided to forgive you for your egregious transgressions that I don’t exactly quite remember.”

“It because Kevin put his name first,” Tiggy said, coming out of the barn.

“Et tu, Tiggy!” Kevin hissed.

“Gesundheit,” Tiggy said.

“I don’t have time for your fallacies!” Gary cried. “My horn is here!”

The crowd gasped dramatically.

Kevin brought a clawed hand to his throat. “My word.”

“For true?” Tiggy asked.

“Yes, kitten. For true. Which means someone in this camp has kept it from me and therefore betrayed me! And I will have my revenge.”

As one, the crowd took a step back.

“Oh my gods,” I said to Randall. “He knows we have it and is just being dramatic. You have to hide it. Put it back in the bag! For the love of all that’s holy, Randall, put it back in the fucking bag.”

“Eh,” Randall said. “I’d rather see how this plays out. Catch.”

And then he tossed the horn at me.

My life flashed before my eyes.

I’d had a lot more sex with a hot knight than I thought.

Which, you know. Was pretty awesome.

At least I would have that cold and sticky comfort before I died.

The horn hit me in the chest, and I fumbled with it before I wrapped my hands around it.

Gary’s head snapped in my direction.

His eyes narrowed.

His nostrils flared.

“Sam,” he growled.

“Holy fucking balls of shit!” I squeaked as he began to charge toward me.

But before he could crush me under his considerable weight (something I learned never to say to his face, for fear of castration), another voice snapped, “Gary Matthias Pontificus Esmerelda Juanita Lopez Alabaster Kennedy the Fourth!”

He stopped, dust swirling around him.

I blinked, unsure if I had died yet.

And then Gary’s brother burst through the crowd, an irritated look on his face. He stalked toward Gary, eyes narrowed. Gary glanced back at Terry, then at me, then at Terry again, prancing in place like he couldn’t keep still, his Glitter Rage flowing from him.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?” he asked Gary as he came to stand at his brother’s side.

“My horn!” Gary cried. “Sam has my horn. He stole it from me, and I will crush him and then stuff his twitching remains with blueberries.”

Terry cocked his head in confusion.

“He’s allergic to blueberries. He’ll go into anaphylactic shock, his face swelling and throat closing, and then he’ll die.”

“Whoa,” I breathed. “That’s diabolically detailed. And your full name is ridiculous, FYI.”

“Sam is your friend, though I don’t understand why.”

“He wants to sex up Ryan,” I told Randall.

“Of course he does,” Randall sighed.

“But—but my horn,” Gary whined.

“I can see that. And even though he is completely underwhelming, do you really think he’d keep something like that from you?”

“I always knew he was a shifty-eyed little beast,” Kevin told a random man in the crowd, who appeared as if he was quite terrified of dragons.

“He’s got Glitter Rage Sickness,” Terry said, sounding bored.

“I will eat the flesh from your bones,” Gary growled at me, eyes flashing.

“Eep,” I said, because being threatened by a unicorn would always be petrifying.

“Glitter Rage Sickness?” Randall asked as if he had all the time in the world.

Terry shrugged. “It happens when a unicorn gets really worked up and won’t listen to reason. He can’t stop leaking glitter, and it’s fogging up his mind. All his good feelings and inner sunshine are buried in the stuff.”

“Unicorns are so stupid,” I said.

And then Ryan, sword drawn, came into view, followed by pretty much everyone else I knew. His gaze flew from Gary to Terry to Tiggy to Randall before it locked on me. He gave Gary a wide berth before he hopped over the railing fluidly like the douchebag that he was. Terry sighed dreamily at the sight of it, and I promised myself that if I lived past the next five minutes, I was going to have to have some words with that unicorn about stepping off from my man. I started to formulate a plan where I would somehow get Terry and Justin on a date where they’d fall in love and have what I assumed would be disgusting and tender interspecies sex when Ryan said, “Is that Gary’s horn?”

“Oh dear,” my mother said. “This certainly is a tense situation. Is anyone drawing a picture of this? I’d like a copy for my scrapbook.”

“Looking good, son!” Dad called out. “Maybe stand a little taller and look a little less like you’re about to vomit.”

“Thanks, Dad,” I said meekly, squaring my shoulders, because he was right. I was a man, and I’d take it like a man.

“Filthy creatures,” Vadoma muttered as she stood next to my parents.

“Is this what the camp is usually like?” the King asked. “Because if it is, I really missed out, being in the dungeons.”

Justin sighed. “Would it surprise you to know that it was actually pretty normal until Sam came back?”

“Not in the slightest,” the King said fondly.

“Okay, Gary,” Terry said. “Why don’t we let Sam explain why he has your horn, and if it’s for an innocuous reason, then great. If not, then we can trample him to death.”

“Yesss,” Gary hissed in a strange voice. “He has it. Gives it to us, precious.” He coughed, clearing his throat. “I mean, yes, please, Sam. Please explain why you are holding my horn before I take your life—I mean, so I can hear you out as the friend that I am.”

“I love you guys,” Tiggy said happily.

Everyone turned to look at me.

“Um,” I said.

They waited.

I glanced at Randall.

He grinned at me, motioning for me to continue.

I hated him with every fiber of my being.

So I decided to throw him under the carriage. “Randall had it!”

Randall rolled his eyes.

“That’s impossible,” Gary said. “I sniffed him when you came back. And even though I wanted to demand he tell me where it was, I allowed you to have your talk with him. Well guess what, Sam? The time for words is over. We’re about to throw down. Fight me!”

“This is so erotic,” Kevin said to the Foxy Lady Brigade, who looked as if they might agree. Well, most of them did, anyway. Lady Tina looked as if she had bitten into a lemon and then punched herself in the face.

“He had covered it in magic cloth,” I said. “That blocked anyone from being able to sense it.”

“I have no idea what he’s talking about,” Randall said. “Magic cloth? What flights of fancy are these? I’m old and senile and incapable of doing whatever Sam is saying.”

“Why are you like this?”

He looked at me blandly. “I’m old, Sam. I’ve earned it.”

I turned back to Gary. “You know he had it. Terry told you he did.”

“Wow,” Terry said. “Maybe leave me out of this, huh, Sam? Don’t involve me in your plots against my brother, who I love and respect more than anything—”

Gary immediately stopped leaking glitter. “Okay,” he said. “Unicorn Rage Sickness gone, because I know Terry is full of shit. Respect? You don’t respect me. Anytime I came over to your house, you made me sit on plastic because you said I would leak semen on all of your furniture!”

Tiggy snorted but then covered it up with a cough.

“Maybe you should just give him back his horn,” Ryan whispered.

“I’m trying. And maybe you should stop flirting with his brother!”

“I’m not flirting with his brother!”

“Oh please. I’ve seen the way you look at his haunches when he’s walking away. You know I’m trying to set him up with Justin.”

“What,” Justin said.

Ryan looked horrified. “His haunches? Are you out of your mothercracking mind? And when the hell did you tell me you were trying to set him up with Justin?”

I frowned. “Oh. Wait. I just thought of that like two minutes ago. My bad. But still. You’ve ridden him. I’ve been back for days, and you haven’t ridden me at all!”

“Well,” Dad sighed to Mom, “at least we can say we tried.”

Mom squinted at him. “We can?”

“Maybe we can talk about this later?” Ryan said through gritted teeth.

“My sex life is doomed,” I moaned.

“I can help you with that!”

“Shut up, Kevin!”

“CAN WE PLEASE FOCUS BACK ON ME!” Gary bellowed, and everyone fell silent. “I mean, it’s not as if we’re talking about my horn or anything, something that I’ve been without for years.”

“He’s right,” I told Ryan. “Stop flirting with Terry. You’re wasting everyone’s time.”

“You’re so stupid,” Ryan muttered, glaring at me mutinously.

I ignored him, because that was what one did when getting insulted. “Gary, you know I wouldn’t keep your horn from you. Dude, I’m actually getting a little turned-on at the idea of you getting it back. I wouldn’t keep that from you.”

Gary’s eyes filled with tears. “That was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

“That says a lot about all of us,” Kevin said.

Tiggy ran his hand over Gary’s mane. “Pretty Gary. You horny for your horn?”

“A little,” Gary said, sniffling. “And also nervous. I’ve been without it for so long, what if I’ve forgotten how to unicorn?”

“You can’t make words into verbs just because you want to,” Randall said. “Stop it. All of you need to stop it.”

“Having a horn doesn’t make the unicorn,” Mom told Gary.

“Yes,” Dad said. “It’s about what’s on the inside that counts.”

“And your insides are filled with rainbows and sunshine,” I said. “And also rage, murderous intentions, biting sarcasm that can destroy self-esteem in four words or less, sexual deviancy that puts even whores with the loosest of morals to shame, a tendency to trample first and ask questions later, a fierceness unrivaled by anyone I’ve ever met, and the ability to make any situation that much more awkward by simply existing.”

“I’m so lovely,” Gary sobbed. “Everyone thinks so.”

“I love you with or without a horn,” Kevin said. “Also, I like putting things inside of you.”

“One day,” the King said to Justin, “these will be the people you’ll rule over.”

Justin scowled at all of us. “Is it too late to be put up for adoption?”

“Okay,” Gary said, eyes suddenly dry. “I think I’m ready. I had doubts, but then you all talked about how glorious I am—which, honestly, I already knew, but it doesn’t hurt to hear—so now I’m ready to get my horn back.”

“Okay,” I said, licking my lips nervously. “So, do I just… stick it back on your head?”

Gary blinked. “I have no idea.”

Justin groaned. “Seriously? Do any of you know what you’re doing?”

Gary turned to his Terry. “Do you know?”

Terry shrugged. “I’ve never been an idiot and lost my horn before.”

Tiggy leaned forward to stare at the nub of bone sticking out from Gary’s head. He frowned for a long moment. Then, “Glue.”

“Glue,” Gary repeated.

“Glue. Just glue it.”

“We’re not going to glue it.”

Tiggy smiled. “Out of ideas.”

Randall sighed. “Sam, just… place it atop his head.”

“Me?” I looked around, but no one else seemed to be offering solutions. “Why me?”

“You’re a wizard, are you not?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Just trust me.”

“Easier said than done,” I muttered, but stepped off the porch toward Gary.

And it was in that first step that I felt the horn pulse in my hands, feeling hard and warm and—“This might be a little more sexual than I bargained for.”

“Would you stop stroking it?” Gary yelped. “You’re embarrassing me!”

“I didn’t mean to! It’s just so firm!”

“Would anyone mind if I touched myself inappropriately?” Kevin asked.

“Yes,” the crowd said.

Rainbows began to spill from the tip of the horn and splash on my hands, dripping to the ground. I grimaced at the thick consistency of it. “Oh gods, it’s leaking all over me. I’m getting covered in Gary’s rainbows. Dude, gross.”

Ryan sounded like he was choking behind me. I hoped he was all right.

Sparks began to shoot from the tip, chartreuse and marigold and seafoam. The horn was getting warmer, and it was beginning to vibrate. I groaned at the sensation, rainbows shooting out and landing on my chest.

“Yessss,” Kevin hissed. “This is fantastic.”

“Gary! Maybe not just stand there and come get your fucking horn.”

“But I’m nervous.”

“I swear to the gods, I will fucking throw this in the garbage if you don’t get your ass over here!” I gagged as a bit of rainbow got in my mouth. It tasted like freshly baked bread, and all I could do was think of Gary’s bakery menu, and I was traumatized.

Gary shuffled his feet in the dirt, looking at his horn, then at me. “Okay. Okay. I can do this. I can do this.”

“Ugh, it’s all over my face.”

“Yeah,” Kevin breathed. “It sure is.”

“Is it still possible for me to return to the dungeons?” the King asked.

“Absolutely not,” Justin said. “If I have to watch this, so do you.”

The horn began to glow, and the rainbow spooge made it slick as I struggled to hold on to it. The grooves and ridges slid against my palms and fingers, and I could barely make out Gary’s approaching figure with all his horn juices covering my face.

“Oooh,” Gary moaned. “I can feel it. It feels so good.”

“So good,” Kevin whispered. “Everything about this is so good. You get that horn. Just let Sam give it to you.”

“I’m going to go back to the desert now,” Vadoma said.

“You can touch my horn,” Terry told Ryan. “If you want.”

“Um,” Ryan said. “No, thank you.”

“Sam!” Gary cried. “Put it on my head! Hurry!”

I grunted as I raised the horn. It was shaking so badly, rainbows splashing everywhere, sparks shooting out and hissing on my skin. My arms were sore, my hands numb, my face covered in rainbows, but I took that last step—

And slammed the horn back on Gary’s head.

I felt the moment the bottom of the horn struck the bony protrusion on Gary’s head. There was a scrape of bone against bone, and then a shock of pure power shot through me, gold and green slamming into every other color of the rainbow. A rising wind whipped around us, and Gary’s breath felt hot against my face. I gritted my teeth and held on for dear life.

And then, just because it seemed I needed more strangeness in my life, I heard what sounded like a choir singing again.

Only to realize moments later that it was Gary.

“What are you doing?” I managed to say.

“Aahhh aaahhhh AAAAAAAAAaaaahhhh—what?”

“Why are you singing?”

“Because this is a magical moment, and I always told myself that when I got my horn back, I would sing about it. Gods, don’t be a bitch, Sam. This is my moment, and I will not allow you to make it about yourself. Allow me to have this one thing, for fuck’s sake.”

I sighed, even as the wind roared around us and I felt assaulted by magic.

So Gary continued singing, head bowed, and I held on for dear life, closing my eyes against the bright flashes of light that began to emanate from where the horn was pressed against his head.

And then it was over.

The wind died.

The magic faded.

Gary stopped singing.

I let go of the horn.

And then the crowd gasped.

“Holy shit,” Ryan said from somewhere behind me.

I opened my eyes.

Gary stood before me, looking hard-core as fuck. The air around him was shimmering, but in a softer light than if he’d been in the throes of Glitter Rage. His mane and tail were now rainbow colored and fluttering in a soft breeze. His eyelashes looked as if they’d grown by inches as he slowly batted his eyes.

And his horn. His horn. It was long and rigid, cut into perfect spirals to a sharply pointed tip. It was longer than Terry’s and thicker too. The tip sparkled with a beautiful light, as if a star sat upon it.

“Holy shit,” I breathed. “It’s huge.”

“Yes,” Gary said, his voice having an eerie ethereal quality to it. “I’ve always been a bit… bigger than other unicorns.”

“It’s not about the size,” Terry muttered, “but what you do with it.”

Gary ignored him and turned toward the crowd, who stared back at him openmouthed. “’Tis I,” he said, voice fluttering musically. “Gary. You may gaze upon my stupendousness and—hey. Hey. You there. With the abnormally large nostrils. In the back! What are you doing?”

The crowd turned to stare at some random dude near the rear of the crowd. He did indeed have abnormally large nostrils. “Me?” he asked.

“Yes, you. You’re not gazing upon my gloriousness!”

He shrugged, looking bored. “There is literally another unicorn standing next to you. Once you’ve seen one unicorn, you’ve seen them all. You all look the same.”

“Oh no,” I said.

Gary’s eyes narrowed as glitter started to slough off him. “Excuse me?”

Mom stepped forward. “Gary, maybe you should take a breath. You just got your horn back. You don’t have control like you—”

“Unicorns are dumb,” the man said, apparently incapable of fear. “And pointless. And they annoy me.” He paused, considering. “And I don’t like their faces.”

Before I could take a step forward to do something, a bright rainbow shot from Gary’s horn. It shot up into the air like a firework before it arced and started to fall to the ground.

The crowd shouted as they ran out of the way.

The man didn’t have time to move.

The light hit him on the top of the head and exploded. I waited for the man to keel over or burst in a flash of blood and gristle. I was already forming a plan in my mind to smuggle Gary out of Camp HaveHeart, where he’d have to spend the rest of his days on the run as a fugitive. Maybe one day we’d be able to meet up again, but it’d have to be in disguise, and we would reminisce about the times we’d spent together before I’d betray him by turning him in for the offered reward. I’d feel bad about it, sure, and when I testified against him in court, I’d cry on the stand about how I thought I’d done the right thing by helping him escape, but that my conscience wouldn’t let me sleep at night knowing a murderer walked the streets because of me.

But I needn’t have worried, because the man didn’t die.

Instead, his skin turned blue.

“What,” I said.

“What,” Ryan said.

“Pretty,” Tiggy said.

“Ha!” Gary crowed as he began to prance. “Suck it, random speciesist guy who thinks we all look the same! You’re going to be blue for the rest of your life!”

“Oh dear,” the King said as random speciesist guy began to scream.

“One day,” Justin said, staring up at the heavens. “That’s all I ask. One day where nothing weird happens and everything is normal.”

“What did you do?” I demanded as the man continued to wail.

Gary frowned. “I turned him blue.”

“But what does that do to him?”

“Nothing. He’s just… blue.”

I blinked. “But why.”

“I am a unicorn. With a horn. I don’t have to have a reason to do anything.”

“Change him back.”

“No.”

“Gary.”

“Sam.”

“Tiggy!” Tiggy said.

“I get it,” I said. “Dude’s a jerk. But you can’t just change someone’s skin color because they insulted you.”

“Sam,” Gary said slowly. “Did you or did you not turn Ryan to stone when he tried to kick your ass when you were kids?”

“I didn’t do it on purpose.”

“It sort of felt like it was on purpose,” Ryan muttered.

“It’s the same thing,” Gary said, flipping his newly colored mane prettily. “He hurt my feelings, and so I got my revenge.”

“You can’t just go getting revenge on whoever you—”

“Actually, he can,” the King said mildly.

I turned to gape at him.

The King shrugged. “Magical Creatures Act. They are protected from harm, but there’s also a subclause that allows them to seek revenge if their feelings are hurt, as long as it doesn’t end in the taking of a life. I thought about changing it, but then Gary reminded me that most magical creatures are emotionally mature and don’t seek revenge.”

I sputtered at that. “B-but… Gary. And Kevin!”

“Hey!” Kevin said. “I’m so emotionally mature.”

“This is the dumbest day,” I groused. “Randall made me talk about feelings and shit and then almost got me killed by throwing a horn at me, and then I jerked it off accidentally until it jizzed rainbows all over me, and now that guy is blue, and I am bothered by all of this.”

“What do you mean you jerked it off?” Ryan growled. “Why would you—”

But he was interrupted when cries went up from the guards standing along the walls of Camp HaveHeart.

My heart pounded as I turned toward them, the lights of the dragons pulsing in my head.

“Riders!” Todd cried, his ears sticking out adorably under a helmet too large for his head. “Approaching quickly.”

“Kevin,” I snapped.

“On it, boss.” The crowd scattered as he spread his wings, the membranes stretching as he pumped them up and down, lifting quickly toward the sky.

Ryan was barking orders at his knights, something I would never get sick of seeing. Justin was pulling his father toward the rear of the camp, though the King was protesting immensely, saying that he was the King, godsdammit, and he could fight if he wanted to.

I wiped my face off as best I could as I stalked toward the gate. Randall and Ryan fell in step beside me, Tiggy and Gary bringing up the rear.

“It’s not Myrin,” Randall said, his gaze slightly unfocused. “I would know if he approached.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s not something else.”

“Tiggy smash?”

“Maybe, dude. I’ll let you know.”

The green and gold were swirling around me, and I was tense, shoulders stiff. By now, Myrin had to know the King was gone, and while I didn’t think he’d come himself, he most certainly could have sent other Darks. He’d be foolish to do so, and if they tried anything, I’d wipe them from Verania. It didn’t hurt that I had a freshly minted unicorn snarling under his breath behind me, still spurting rainbows as if he had no control over it. It was endearingly disgusting.

“Open the gates!” I shouted as we approached.

Todd looked like he was going to object, but then he nodded toward the men on the ground below him. They reached up and began to spin the wooden wheels on either side of the gates, which groaned as they opened before us.

I could see Kevin circling above us, and I told the other dragons to hold, to calm, to wait until I could be sure what we were looking at.

In the distance, three figures approached on horseback at a high rate of speed, dust kicking up behind them. A storm cloud seemed to be chasing them.

“Do Darks ride horses?” I asked.

“Yes,” Gary said. “Because they’re racists.”

“Dude, I’ve told you. That’s not racism—you know what? I’m not even going to get into that with you right now.”

“What’s the plan, Sam?” Ryan asked.

I glanced at him. “We wait until they get close enough to identify. If they’re good, then we help them.”

“And if they’re villains?”

I grinned at him. “Then you’ll get to see what I’ve been up to all this time.”

“Ungh,” he said, eyes glazing over slightly.

“Yeah?” I asked, curling my lip a little. “You like that? You want to see me do magic?”

“So much,” he said hoarsely. “You gonna do a lot of it?”

“I’m gonna cover them in my magic,” I growled, turning toward him and bumping our chests together, my nose scraping his cheek. “They’re going to be stiff with it.”

“Oh my gods,” Gary moaned. “You’re covered in my rainbows and making Ryan sex stupid. This is the worst Horn Reunion Day I’ve ever had. And yes, that was capitalized, because I think that should be a yearly thing from this point on.”

“I sex stupid?”

“No, kitten. You don’t have Ryan’s weird magic kink.”

“Aw,” Tiggy said, pouting.

“We don’t have time for your capitalizations,” I said. “We’re trying to be serious. By the way, you look awesome, dude.”

“Thank you,” Gary said, preening. “And if you ever tell me we don’t have time for my capitalizations again, I will motherfucking stab you with my horn, you little bitch.”

“Whoa,” I breathed. “That was believable this time. Because of the horn.”

“Children, focus,” Randall snapped.

A shadow fell over us as Kevin descended. Ryan’s knights were gathering along the outer wall, Lady Tina barking orders at the Foxy Lady Brigade, each of them moving swiftly and with purpose as they spread out behind us. The gates groaned again as they closed.

Kevin landed in front of us, the ground shaking lightly. He winked at Gary, who swooned, before he looked down at me. “Darks,” he said.

“And the riders?”

“Mama. Moishe. Letnia.”

“What? I thought they were leading the Resistance from Old Clearing!”

“Something must have happened,” Ryan said, flourishing his sword, because he was incapable of not being that guy when he had a weapon in his hands.

“Shit. Okay. Here’s the plan. You guys stay here and watch me kick some ass. Kevin, we’re going to—”

“No,” Ryan said, grabbing my arm. “You can’t take them on your own. You’re gonna get hurt, or worse, captured and they’ll want to have sex with you.”

I pulled my arm free. “Actually, dude, things are a little different nowadays. Stay here. I promise it’s gonna be fine.”

And because I was the hero of the story, I kissed my beloved fiercely, pressing his lips back against his teeth. He grunted into my mouth, lips smacking as I pulled away.

“I’m about to be so badass, you don’t even know,” I said with a grin. “Kevin! Let’s rock!”

“Wait, Sam—”

But Kevin had already picked me up and tossed me over his shoulder. I fell toward his back, grabbing on to one of the sharp spines, sliding down until I landed on his back. His wings were spread and he was lifting off even before the others could stop us. I heard Gary say, “Holy shit, I want to get up on both of them,” before Kevin launched us into the air.

There was red and blue and white in my head, and I thought hold, hold, we’ve got this, I promise, and they agreed, though GW didn’t seem to be too pleased.

“He’s a pain in my ass,” I muttered.

“He’s just mad because he thinks you’re delaying the inevitable.”

“Thank you, Kevin. I surely needed that contribution.”

It was a short flight, all things considered. Kevin was quick, the wind slamming into my face, causing my eyes to water. Green and gold swirled around me, crawling along my skin, the scars on my torso heated and electrified. My heart was thundering in my chest, and I was suddenly angry, furious at the notion that Mama and the others were most likely riding for their lives. Letnia and Moishe mattered, yes, but it was Mama I thought of, beautiful and terrifying Mama, who was most likely filled with such a dangerous rage at being forced from her home. And since she was on her way here, it meant her army of whores had been defeated and most likely captured.

Kevin descended quickly, my stomach rising to my throat. His wings were folded at his sides as we hurtled toward the earth. Right at the last minute, he spread his wings, which billowed, causing us to slow. He landed, claws digging into the earth. He lowered his head toward the ground, and I slid from him.

He growled as the sound of horse hooves grew louder. I patted his side and stood near his head.

Mama was in the lead, looking fierce as all get-out as she galloped toward us. Her eyes widened when she saw me standing next to Kevin, and she started to slow her horse.

“Keep going!” I shouted at her.

She looked as if she was going to argue, but then she glanced over her shoulder beyond Moishe and Letnia and saw the shadows racing after them, Darks using magic to run faster than any human should have been able to. She dug her heels into the side of the horse, urging it faster. “You better not die, precious!” she bellowed as she passed us by. “I will murder you if you do!”

I grinned at her. Letnia didn’t even spare us a look as she rode past. Moishe stared at me curiously, his gaze unnerving. He had to have known I was a full-fledged wizard now. Elves could taste the magic as if it were a physical thing. He would have felt what the others could not.

There were five of them, all Darks. They’d seen the dragon and were slowing, but when they spotted me, they came screeching to a halt, dirt and grass kicking up around them. It would have been comedic had they not just been trying to capture Mama.

“Hello!” I called out cheerfully, squinting against the bright sunlight.

A rather portly Dark said, “Holy shit, it’s him.”

“What’s he covered in?” asked a second Dark. “Is that… wet paint? Why is he covered in wet paint?”

“Maybe he was painting something,” a third Dark said.

“He’s actually covered in the horn spunk of my recently reconciled husband,” Kevin growled.

They gaped at him.

“Godsdammit,” I muttered. “Did you have to say it like that?”

Kevin looked down at me. “But it’s true.”

“Well, yeah, but you didn’t have to tell them that. Come on, dude. I only have one chance to make a first impression.”

“Actually,” the fourth Dark said, “I met you once before already.”

I cocked my head at him. “You did? When was that?”

“At the restaurant that time you were on a date,” he explained. “The knight was your chaperone, even though you wanted to make love to him. And then you covered us in rock.”

“Oh gods,” the fifth Dark said. “Listen to this guy. Make love. Come on.”

“Hey! Just because you’re vulgar doesn’t mean I have to be.”

“Ohh,” I said. “Riiiiight. I remember that. Oh man, that seems like such a long time ago. How’ve you been?”

“Pretty good, I guess. You know. Taking over villages. Looting treasures. Not a bad life, if I’m being honest.”

“Cool, cool. So, not a first impression for you, but I think that whole thing in the restaurant was good, so. We’re square. As for the rest of you, well. Allow me to introduce myself.” I bowed. “My name is Sam of Dragons.”

“And I’m one of the dragons just previously mentioned,” Kevin said, snapping his teeth. “The handsomest one, in fact.”

“I think Pat would probably argue with you about that.”

Kevin rolled his eyes. “She’s a lesbian. She can’t appreciate my fine male form.”

I frowned. “That doesn’t sound like a very nice thing to say.”

“I know. Please don’t tell her I said it. She scares me.”

“It’ll stay between us.” I glared at the Darks. “Right?”

“Right,” the Darks said.

The portly Dark said, “Sam of Dragons? That’s… okay, that’s actually pretty darn impressive. Dang it. I was hoping it’d be something dumb, and then we could all make fun of you and be like, oh, look at this dork. His name is so stupid.”

I nodded sympathetically. “Yeah. That might have been good if my wizarding name wasn’t so hard-core. Like, I mean. It’s Sam. Of Dragons, you know? You really can’t get much better than that. Especially since I actually have an actual dragon and you guys have… what.”

“I have a bo staff,” one of the Darks said, pulling said bo staff off his back.

“Wow,” I said. “That’s—that’s just nice.”

“Thanks. It’s actually a stick I found in the woods, but. It’s… big? I guess. So I tell people it’s a bo staff.”

“Do they believe it?”

Another Dark scoffed. “Not at all.”

“I like it, Brad. You don’t see me making fun of your stuff.”

“That’s because all of my stuff is great, Neil. I don’t go through the woods and say, oh what do you know, here’s a big stick I found on the ground and I’m going to take it with me and tell people it’s a bo staff.”

“Brad,” the portly Dark said. “We talked about this. Neil can do what he likes, because he earned it by locating the Resistance in Old Clearing and reporting it back to us. If he wants to use his reward to pick up a stick—excuse me, a bo staff—then that’s his right.”

“Thank you,” Neil said. “I’m getting better at it.” He attempted to twirl the stick but ended up hitting himself in the face. “Oops! Okay, it’s a work in progress, but I’ll figure it out.”

“Yeah,” I said. “That’s just swell.” I clapped my hands. “So! I’ve introduced myself. You’ve told me some things about you. Like, Neil and his bo staff. Or Brad being a jerk.”

“Hey!”

“And you’ve met my friend Kevin here,” I continued. “I think that’s pretty much all we need to know about each other. I guess that leaves just one more thing. A choice!”

The portly Dark frowned. “Choice?”

I nodded sagely. “Yes. A choice. You can either turn around and start running, and then keep on running until you are out of Verania where no one knows who you are. And you’ll need to promise to never harm another living soul ever again.”

“That sounds like a lot of work,” Neil said. “I mean, I get what you’re trying to say, but that’s so much running.”

“Yep,” I agreed. “It is. But it might be better than the alternative.”

“Which is?” Brad asked snidely, and I decided I hated him.

I grinned at him. He flinched. It made me happy. “Thank you for asking, Brad. The alternative is that Kevin and myself kick your collective asses and then take you to Randall, who’s waiting back there at the gate—ah! I can see by the looks on your faces that you know that name really well. Yes, Randall is here, and he is not in a good mood.” I didn’t know if that was true, but it was Randall, and he usually looked pissed off. “So, choice is yours, my dudes.”

“There’s only two of you,” Brad said, full of bravado. I hoped he chose to fight, because I wanted to punch him.

“One of whom is a dragon. But yes. You’re right.”

Brad had less bravado then. “And Randall is old and way back by the gate.”

“Oh, Brad. Brad, Brad, Brad. You’re not sounding like you’re going to make the right choice here.”

Then, quicker than I expected, a fucking fireball hurtled toward me, bright and hot and burning the air around it as it flew at my head. I held my hand out in front and the fireball stopped, hovering in the air inches away from my palm.

“Neil,” I said, a little startled. “I didn’t expect that to come from you. I thought we were friends. You’ve chosen… poorly.”

Neil looked shocked. “How are you doing that?” he demanded.

“Oh, the stop-the-fireball-in-midair thing? Yeah, as it turns out, I’m actually stronger than most people thought. Funny how that works out. Also helps when this guy is with me.” I nodded up at Kevin. “He acts as a conduit of sorts. Focuses my magic with a precision that you wouldn’t even believe.”

“I tamed him,” Kevin said. “All he needed was a stern hand. Call me Master Kevin of the Winds.”

“Oh my gods, we talked about this.”

“Right. Just making sure you hadn’t changed your mind or anything.”

I looked back at the Darks over the fireball. “Sorry about that. Where were we? Oh. Right. Hey, Brad. Catch.”

I barely put anything into it, and the fireball flew back at the Darks. Neil screamed in warning, but Brad was already moving, fingers twitching, and the earth broke apart before them, a wave of dirt rising and colliding with the fireball, which sputtered and hissed before it went out. The dirt fell to the ground, but it was already too late for them.

Before, with the sand mermaids and again with Myrin in Mashallaha, I couldn’t control the furious burst of magic that exploded from me. It was rooted in desperation, in the fear that I was losing those closest to me. Seeing Tiggy and Ryan sinking in the sands had whited out all thought, and I acted instinctively.

I wasn’t in control then.

But I was now.

It wasn’t so much pushing or pulling the magic anymore.

It was about thought.

Almost like I was wishing it so.

Kevin helped, as did the others, but it still came from within me.

I raised my hand.

The air rippled like the surface of a lake, and the pulse of green and gold was brighter than it had ever been. Lightning pushed through the scars on my chest and crawled along my skin, wrapping around my arm and hand and fingers. The ripples became electrified, and with Kevin growling low behind me, the lightning leapt from my fingertips, crisscrossing until it became like mesh, a web far larger than anything I’d created before. It fell upon the Darks, cocooning them in a domelike structure that crackled and sparked.

It took seconds.

I barely broke a sweat.

I lowered my hand.

“Huh,” Kevin said. “That was new. They don’t seem too happy about it.”

I tilted my head up at him and grinned. “Pretty cool, right? You could say I’ve found them… en-lightning. Get it? Because they’re trapped in ligh—ow. You didn’t have to hit me!”

“You deserved that,” Kevin said. “I approve of your sex puns because they’re about sex. But I draw the line at lightning puns. Because those are stupid and I hate them.”

I rubbed the back of my head as I watched Brad get electrocuted when he tried to touch the dome. He was knocked back on his ass, smoke curling up from his ears, eyes sliding unfocused.

“Ha! I bet Brad found that that hertz. Get it? Hertz with a z, because—ow! Kevin, if you hit me one more time, I’m going to—oof.”

I was knocked off my feet and landed on my back, suddenly covered from head to toe by a rather frisky knight. His lips were on mine and his hands were wandering, trying to find as much skin as he could. His tongue was in my mouth before I could think, slick and hot, and I couldn’t stop the groan that rumbled from me. Ryan ground his hips against me, and I pulled away from his mouth with a gasp. He proceeded to nip at my jaw before attacking my throat, sucking up a mark.

“What the hell—” I tried to say, but it fell off into a strangled squawk when his tongue went into my ear and my eyes rolled back into my head.

“Ungh,” Ryan said.

Oh. Oh.

“You liked that?” I growled at him. “You liked me putting my magic all over them?”

His breath was warm on my neck as he panted. “They shot a fireball at you. And you caught it.”

“Yeah, I did. And now I’ve got a fire in my pants that I need you to put out—”

“Oh my gods,” the portly Dark moaned. “This is worse than any torture that could be thrust upon us. Please, I’m begging you. Waterboard me. Anything so I don’t have to witness this horror.”

“What are they doing?” Neil asked, sounding horrified. “Are they eating each other?”

“Shhh,” Kevin hissed. “You’re going to ruin it.”

And it might have gotten worse if we didn’t have water poured on us right at that moment. Ryan sputtered as he jumped up. But then he tripped over my legs and fell on his back, breathing heavily.

Randall stood above us, frowning deeper than I’d ever seen before.

“Not cool, bro!” I snapped at him. “You didn’t need to get us wet.”

He rolled his eyes. “That’s what you do when dogs are in heat and tied together.”

I grimaced. “Ugh. Mood ruined.”

“Noooo,” Kevin moaned. “Why would you do that? Have you seen Ryan’s ass? It’s a thing of beauty.”

“Thank you,” Ryan said, pushing himself up. “I do a lot of squats.”

“You could be squatting on my dick right now,” I muttered. He snorted, extending a hand toward me. I let him pull me up.

But instead of letting me go, he pulled me to his chest, his mouth near my ear. “Tonight.”

“Yeah? You still mad at me?”

“Yes. But I’ve heard angry sex is cathartic.”

I nodded furiously. “Yes. Yes, it is. I agree. All of that. You should be so pissed at me. And then I’ll piss on you—whoa.” My eyes bulged. “Too far. Way too far.”

“Why would you say that?” Ryan asked, sounding horrified.

“I was caught up in the moment! This is all your fault! You tackled me!”

“Well, you’re the one who caught a fireball and then did that lightning dome!” He glanced around, flushing. When he spoke again, his voice was lower. “You know I have a kink for that kind of thing.”

“Please kill us,” Neil begged from behind the electric barrier. “I can’t listen to them anymore.”

“Are you two finished?”

I turned to glare at Randall. “The next time you’re feeling frisky, I’m going to—you know what? Scratch that. If you’re ever feeling frisky, I don’t want to know.”

Frisky, Ryan mouthed to no one in particular.

Randall nodded toward the crackling dome. “This is… impressive.”

“Wow. Thank you. Maybe next time, don’t sound so constipated when you say it.”

“Oh, trust me, there probably won’t be a next time.”

“Rude. But expected. Thank you, Randall.”

“Can you move it?”

“The dome?” I grinned at him. “Fuck yeah I can. Dude, I’m a wizard now. I can pretty much do anything.”

He sighed. “May the gods have mercy on us all. Bring them to the camp, if you please. We need to find out what happened with Mama. Ryan, stay with Sam. Kevin, come with me. I have a job for you.”

“Ooh, is it a blow job? And if so, follow-up question. Are you wearing dentures? I assure you those two things are related in ways I shall explain later.”

“No!” the portly Dark cried. “Don’t leave us with them! What if they start attacking each other with their mouths again!”

“I’m having a hard time thinking and moving,” Brad said, still sounding dazed. The tips of his hair were singed.

Poor guy.

I hoped his brains were scrambled.