Chapter 8: Dark Wizards Can Kiss Our Asses

 

 

“AND ANOTHER thing, where does she get off being all buddy-buddy with Justin?” I raged. “He’s not her best friend 5eva. He’s my best friend 5eva, and she’s just jealous because Justin likes it when I give him hugs and braid his hair. We have pillow fights and eat flan and talk about boys and whatever. She doesn’t do that with him, and she never will!”

“I am so glad I never went to your sleepovers with Justin,” Gary said, lying on a pile of blankets in his and Tiggy’s barn. “I’ve seen you eat flan before. It isn’t attractive.”

I waved at him dismissively as I continued to pace. “There is no way to eat flan attractively. It’s impossible.”

“Bullshit. I can do anything attractively. It’s not a flan thing. It’s a you thing.”

I scowled at him. “Tiggy, tell Gary to stop being a jerk and that I’m right, and also tell me I am attractive because I need to feel good about myself.”

Tiggy looked up from where he was sitting amongst his brooms, having spent the last hour organizing them in a system that only he understood. “Gary not a jerk. We all right. And I love you.”

“You are the best thing in this world,” I told him seriously, and he grinned at me. I glanced at Gary. “And I would say the same thing about you, but apparently you’ve developed a taste for Lady Tina strange since I’ve left, so.”

Gary gasped. “You wipe that filth from your mouth. I will have you know that I am not about the ladies. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but you know how I feel about the mens.”

“You like them inside you,” Tiggy said, frowning down at a push broom like it’d offended him somehow.

“Exactly, kitten. I am a whore for cock. I mean, sure, I let Honest Helga tie me up and whip me, but that wasn’t sexual. I just like how she wields a whip.”

“There is so much wrong about you,” I muttered. Then, “Can we please get back to my problems because I would like to talk about me some more?”

“It sounds like to me that you’re the jealous one,” Gary said.

“No! Didn’t you hear anything I said? She’s the jealous one because of the bond I share with Justin and with how much Ryan loves me and worships the ground I walk on when he’s not super pissed off at me like he is right at this very moment.”

“And where are Justin and Ryan?” Gary asked.

“With Lady Tina and the Foxy Lady Brigade at the training fields,” I snapped. “Because apparently they want to see what the women have been working on, and maybe, Sam, you should just go get some rest because you still look tired and—oh. Wait. I can see the whole jealousy thing now. Dammit. And now that I think about it, I’m really jealous. Like, it’s burning inside of me.”

“Dawning realizations are my favorite kind,” Gary said. “How I have missed you and your particular brand of self-awareness.”

“I’m going to take that as a compliment,” I decided. “Because I need that right now.”

“They love you,” Tiggy said, setting aside a chimney-sweep broom that looked as if it’d seen better days. “Like we love you.”

“Thanks, dude. That’s nice of you to—”

“Not done.”

“Oh. Right.”

“They mad, though. Like we got mad. You left.” He shrugged. “All gone. Kevin gone too. Everyone scared. Villains came and Tiggy smashed, but it not good enough. And now you here, but different. You Sam, but bigger Sam. Big big magic, you know?”

“Some people think he doesn’t have much to say,” Gary said, looking at Tiggy fondly. “They’re wrong. He only speaks the truth. There’s no filler. Not like with the rest of us.”

I glared at the both of them. “I’ve already apologized. I don’t know what else to say to get you guys to believe me.”

“Sort of like Lady Tina, right?” Gary asked.

I blinked. “Oh, you son of a—”

“Look, Sam. We’re so happy you’re home. All of us are. We’ve been waiting for you for a very long time. And during that very long time we waited, things happened. Things that you weren’t a part of.” He sighed as he shook his head. “I get it. I really do. Where you’re coming from. And it’s valid. It’s like you were stuck in time, you know? The last thing you remember about all of us was how we were when you left. But for us, time hasn’t stopped. We’ve had to move forward, and—”

“And leave me behind,” I said, trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice. I failed quite spectacularly.

“No,” Gary said sharply. “Never that. There is a place for you here, just as there has always been. But you are different now. Just like we are. And we have to figure out how to fit again. You’re my best friend. My more unattractive sister from another mister.”

“Hey, man, I’ve met your brother now, and everything I’m hearing about your parents, maybe they’d like to—”

“I will cut out your heart and eat it in front of you.”

“I could get up on your dad,” I said, rather gleefully. “And your mom probably wouldn’t be too upset by it. She’d probably even join in. Just think, if Ryan decides I’m not worth the trouble and he seeks solace in Justin’s arms like I’m sure Lady Tina has masturbatory thoughts about (or even with Terry, what the fuck), then maybe I’ll need to find comfort somewhere else. I could be your stepfather. I wonder what it’s like to be between two unicorns? I bet it’s cosmic.”

Gary was on his feet in a split second. “You wouldn’t dare.”

“Sam gonna get some unicorn?” Tiggy asked, cocking his head.

“Maybe,” I said. “We’re all different now, right? Maybe that’s a thing Sam of Dragons likes. Get me some ’corn.”

“Really,” Gary said, a glint in his eyes. “Then you wouldn’t mind making out with me, if you like unicorns now.” He took a step toward me.

I swallowed thickly but put on my brave face. “Of course not. That sounds… just. Like. So hot.”

“Yeah?” Gary said, voice dropping an octave or two. I was sure it was supposed to be erotic, but it caused my balls to shrivel. “I’ve got a very long tongue. Could probably lick all the way down to your lungs with the tip.”

“Wow,” I said weakly. “That sounds… invasive.”

“Kevin gonna be sad he not here,” Tiggy said. “I sad that I am.”

“So invasive,” Gary said as he loomed over me. “I can’t believe I’m finally going to get to put myself inside you.”

I had to be strong in the face of such adversity. Two could play at this game. I arched an eyebrow at him and smiled widely in a way that I hoped said that I was giving serious consideration to making out with a hornless unicorn. “Yeah,” I said, sure that I sounded husky and sultry. “I’ve thought about this once or twice.”

“Bad thoughts,” Tiggy moaned in the background. “Bad, bad thoughts.”

“What?” Gary squeaked. He coughed. “I mean, yeah, totally, me too. This is going to be so sweet. Like, I’m pretty sure I’m thinking about getting an erection right now.”

“Oh good,” I said. “Because I’ve already started to get one a little bit.”

“No,” Tiggy said, rocking back and forth. “No, no, no, no.”

I could feel Gary’s breath on my face. It smelled like warm cookies and happiness. “Well,” Gary said, “maybe it’s time you found out exactly what my bakery is all about. Stop in. Have a seat. Let me take care of you. Maybe have a jumbo caramel banana muffin.”

Oh my gods. That was one of the more disgusting things on his bakery menu. It involved—no. No, I couldn’t even picture it, because the very thought of the depravity of Gary’s jumbo caramel banana muffin was enough to make me want to find the nearest church and pray for hours. “Sounds great,” I managed to get out. “Make sure it has extra caramel.”

“Whyyyyyyyyyy,” Tiggy moaned.

Gary’s eyes widened slightly. “Oh, I’ve got all the caramel for you.”

Tiggy gagged.

“Good,” I said. “Now, are you gonna kiss me, or are you just going to stand there and talk about it?”

“Here I come,” Gary said.

“Which is what I’ll be saying in like three minutes.”

Gary shuddered. “That’s so hot,” he managed to say, even though he sounded like he was about to be violently ill. “I can’t wait to see your orgasm face.”

Ugh. That’s not something you should ever hear from your unicorn best friend. “Yeah, it’s pretty… cool.”

“I’m going to put so much rainbow in you. It’s probably going to end up leaking out your ears.”

I threw up a little in my mouth but managed to swallow it. “Yeah, maybe after you can lick it up.”

He frowned. “You want me to lick my rainbow secretion from your ears?”

I shrugged. “Why not? Scared?”

He narrowed his eyes. “Never.”

“Happy place,” Tiggy muttered. “Going to my happy place.”

“Here we go,” I said, leaning forward, trying to force myself to pucker up but my mouth not really getting the message.

“Here comes the muffin,” Gary singsonged, and was I really going to do this?

Yes. Yes, I was, because making out with Gary was going to prove that Lady Tina was evil.

Or something.

I didn’t really remember how we’d gotten to this point. Which, to be honest, happened quite often.

Gary flicked his meaty tongue at me, and I was going to let that in my mouth and—

“What the hell is going on in here?”

“Eep,” Gary and I said at the same time as we jumped away from each other.

Standing in the ruined doorway of the barn were Kevin and Ryan. Kevin, of course, was staring at us with naked interest, glancing between the two of us as if he knew exactly what had been about to happen.

“Heeeeeyyy,” I said, waving awkwardly at the both of them. “Have I ever told you that your timing is the best thing about you?”

“What are you—mmph.”

“Ignore him,” Kevin said, the tip of one of his claws pressed against Ryan’s mouth. “Pretend we aren’t even here. Just… continue the conversation you were having. And if you can’t pretend we aren’t here, Sam, then how well do you do with taking direction? Because I want you to put your fingers up Gary’s—ow. You bit me!”

Ryan glared up at Kevin as the dragon took his hand away, before turning back to me. “Explain,” he demanded, and that should not have been as hot as it was, especially since I had just been two seconds away from Gary getting all up in my shit.

“Oh sure,” I said. “Yeah, that’s so easy. Like. Okay. So. I was coming in here just to hang out with my best friends because I missed them, right? And then Gary started hitting on me because, you know. He’s Gary. And I said, ‘No, Gary. You can’t do that. Because of Ryan and feelings.’ And then he said that he wanted to feed me his muffin or something. That part’s kind of hazy because gross. And then he was going to give me a rainbow injection or whatever, and then I said, ‘Hey, guy, just back off a little, because I’ve got my one and only.’ And then he said that you all trust Lady Tina, and that’s how this whole thing started, because whaaaat. And then… like. His dad. Right? I mean, his dad might want to have some of this, like whoa. And so Gary said, you’re different, Sam, and we’re different, and I’m an asshole because I’m not appreciating all that you’ve done for us. And then I said, ‘Yes, you’re an asshole for not appreciating all that I’ve done, thank you for saying so,’ and that’s when the bakery opened.”

He stared at me.

I smiled at him.

“You don’t trust Lady Tina and were jealous of the fact that she seems to have a place here,” Ryan said slowly. “And you don’t know where you seem to fit in. Don’t even get started with the justification that she’s trying to push Justin and me together like this has been her plan all along. So you picked a fight with Gary about it and tried to use his parents and brother against him in order to make him jealous, and then both of you ended up in a game of interspecies gay chicken that neither of you were going to back out of.”

“My favorite kind of chicken,” Kevin breathed heavily.

“Yes,” I said, nodding furiously. “That’s exactly what I said. You know me so well.”

“Gary,” Ryan said, sounding incredibly disappointed. “You know how Sam is. You can’t try and goad him like that.”

“Right? Gary, you know how I am—wait. What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“You’re right,” Gary sighed. “I do know how he is, and yet I continued to push him. And to think, once he’d had a taste of all of this, he would have been hooked for life. I’m the most dangerous drug there is.”

“He’s right,” Kevin said dreamily. “I’m an addict. I want nothing more than to get a good hit right now.”

“Today is sad day,” Tiggy said, staring morosely at his brooms.

“I apologize, Knight Delicious Face,” Gary said. “I should not have been trying to tempt your man away from you like the floozy that I am. I have to remember that my sexuality is the deadliest weapon I carry in my arsenal. Of course he couldn’t resist.”

“What? I can resist! I can resist so hard, you don’t even know! It was you who wanted to feed me your jumbo caramel banana muffin and—”

Ryan choked as Kevin said, “But even I won’t do that, and you considered doing that with my trial-reconciliation ex-husband? Sam, I’m impressed. You’re disgusting.”

I threw my hands up in the air. “I hate everyone here and wish I’d never met any of you.”

“Lie,” they all said.

“Whatever,” I grumbled. “I’m mad at everyone, and you’re all mad at me for doing what I had to do, and now you’re making me work with my most mortal of enemies because you think she’s a good person, even though I know she’s got nothing but malice in her heart. But please, tell me more about how she’s not going to turn on us right when it matters most—”

“She saved my life,” Ryan said.

I closed my eyes.

“When they came, they came in numbers we did not expect. We fought for days but were overwhelmed in the end. Castle Lockes was going to fall. The King had already been taken prisoner, and I was in the throne room, bleeding and tired and losing. It was—well.” He touched the scar on his face. “Ruv was there. He had the upper hand, and he knew it. He stood above me, my sword in his hands, and he told me he was going to relish taking my life, and that when he saw you again, he was going to describe in detail my last moments. He was going to tell you I begged and pleaded. That I told him I didn’t want you anymore. That I had forsaken you because you’d left us. That I sold you out and told him everything I could about you. That I died a coward, weak and frail. He was monologuing, and I couldn’t even find it in myself to hate him for it, because I could hear your voice in my head. Mocking him, calling him a douchebag villain just like all the others. That even though he thought himself different, he was exactly the same. And had I died right then, right at that moment, I would have done so with a smile on my face, because I was with you. Hearing you.”

“But you didn’t die,” I whispered as I opened my eyes.

“No. I didn’t. Because Ruv kept talking and talking, and he was so distracted, he didn’t hear Lady Tina coming up behind him, wielding the King’s scepter. She bashed him on the back of the head. He was knocked out. And we were able to find Justin and the others and escape the City through the sewer tunnels underneath Lockes. She—I know the history, Sam. I know what she’s done. I’ve been there for a lot of it. But she saved my life and the lives of many people that day with her actions. Her and the brigade. That didn’t mean I trusted her immediately. We locked her up as soon as we took back the Port.”

“But she’s out amongst everyone else.”

He shook his head. “We needed everyone we could get. I took a chance, Sam. I had no other choice.”

“It’s like you want me to forget about everything that came before,” I told him and, in turn, the others. “No, I wasn’t here. Yes, I was gone. No, I haven’t seen the things you have. But you saw what she did to me before. What she—”

“War changes people, Sam,” Ryan said. “It can bring out both the best and the worst in people. She tried hate. She turned people against you, letting it infect their hearts. But she saw firsthand what happens when you hate—”

“You mean when Ruv stabbed you in the chest and then Morgan died?” I bit out.

“Yes,” Ryan said. “That’s what she saw. And she had a part to play in it, sure. But she didn’t know who Ruv was working for. She didn’t know what he was capable of.”

“She’s still guilty by association.”

“Aren’t we all a little bit?”

“That’s not fair.”

He sighed. “I’m not asking for fairness here, Sam. We’re in a makeshift camp trying to survive. Nothing about this is fair. What I’m asking for is a chance to make things right again. For all of us here to live. To take back what’s ours. To give the people who were once against you a moment to prove to you that they’re on your side.”

“Convenient, though, don’t you think?” I asked, trying to keep my anger in check. “Being on my side. Let me guess. They suddenly found favor in me the moment they all heard the real story behind the Destiny of Dragons. That it was either going to be me or Myrin. And Myrin had just come in and taken their homes away. So of course they were going to put their hope in me, because they didn’t have any other choice.”

Ryan said nothing.

Green and gold began to gather in the air around me.

There were pulses in my head, blue and red and white and black. They whispered at me to calm and to breathe and to think, Sam, just think. You’re stronger than your anger. Better than your hate. You are not wrapped in shadow. You are home, and it’s warm and safe and—

It isn’t fair, I thought.

It just isn’t fair.

“What’s going on?” I heard Gary say from somewhere behind me.

“Sam?” Tiggy asked.

“Move,” Kevin snarled, and I knew his eyes would be completely black. “He needs to—”

Ryan kissed me.

I breathed.

He said, “Sam.”

I opened my eyes.

Ryan Foxheart stood before me, my face cupped in his hands. His eyes were bright and his touch soft, and all those pulses in my head faded as I was consumed only by him. This was something the Great White could never understand. Yes, it was dangerous that someone as powerful as me could put my faith in someone so breakable, someone so human. If something were to happen to him, if he was taken from me, I didn’t know what would happen. What I’d become.

But what the Great White didn’t get about my cornerstone—or cornerstones in general—was that they were good and kind and strong themselves. Ryan was chosen for a reason. He was brave and selfless, dashing and immaculate, and I’d loved him for almost as long as I’d known him. He was the foundation upon which I had built all I had.

My wonderful, foolish knight.

And so I just… let go.

The green and gold faded.

The gathering magic dissipated.

“You with me?” he asked quietly, his breath warm on my face.

“Yeah,” I muttered. “I’m with you.”

“What the hell was that?” Gary demanded from behind me.

I took a step away from Ryan, his hands falling from my face. “That was me becoming a wizard much quicker than I was supposed to.” I shook my head. “What the Great White did to me, it—I’m not unstable, but it’s….”

“Big,” Tiggy said. “Sam has big magic. Big big.”

“Big big,” I agreed. “Everything I am, everything I’ve become, it’s big big. Bigger than any one person has had before. Add the dragons to that mix and I’m a little… volatile. It’s hard being back here. Surrounded by people I don’t trust. Not you guys,” I added quickly, before they could protest. “Just… everyone else. You say they believe in me. Fine. Okay. But I don’t believe in them. Not yet. Especially Lady Tina. I don’t know if I ever will. And you can’t blame me for that.”

“Are you in control?” Gary asked.

I shrugged. “Mostly.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better.”

“Oh. Sorry. Uh. Yes. Totes in control. I got this, dude.”

“Feel a little worse now. What the hell did he do to you?”

Ah, and wasn’t that the thing. I could still hear his voice in my head, whispering to me, telling me that there was a very real chance I would not survive. You are strong, he’d said. Stronger than I’ve ever seen. But you have months to learn what should take a wizard decades. There is a chance of death. And if not death, then madness. We will find out just how lightning-struck your heart actually is, and if it’s capable of being torn into pieces.

“What he had to,” I said, sure that any answer I was willing to give would be unsatisfactory.

“Kevin’s eyes go all black,” Tiggy said thoughtfully. “With your big big.”

“Yeah,” I said scratching the back of my head. “They tend to do that.”

“Others too?”

“Yeah.”

He frowned before tapping the side of his head. “You hear them? In head?”

I squinted at him. “How’d you know that?”

“Like before. Zero. Pat and Leslie in the snow. All the time now?”

“No. Just….”

“With the big big.”

“Yeah. With the big big.”

“Your head should be your own,” he said, and showed me that no matter how long I’d known him, he could still surprise me. “Think for yourself.”

“You are the best half-giant alive,” I said in awe.

He preened.

“But you’ll still help them,” Ryan said, because apparently he was still stuck on that. “The people. Even if you don’t believe in them.”

I snorted. “Well, yeah. I’m not that big of an asshole. And I have faith in you. If you put yours in them, then I guess I can trust that.”

Ryan looked relieved. “And Lady Tina?”

“You know, your crush on her is really starting to concern me.”

“Sam.”

I scowled at him. “Don’t push your luck, Foxheart.”

He rolled his eyes. “Well, the people of Camp HaveHeart are throwing a feast in your honor tonight, so you’ll get to see firsthand just how much they believe in you.”

Yeah, no, that wasn’t a thing that was going to happen. “Oh no,” I said. “Would you look at that. I have something else to do tonight that involves not going to a feast and being stared at. Darn. Of all the rotten luck. Maybe next time. Though probably not then either.”

“Oh?” Ryan asked, arching an eyebrow at me and, combining that with his beard, making me really want to smack my dick against his mouth. It was unfair just how good he looked. I was going to go dashing and immaculate all over his ass later. “Really. And what exactly do you have to do tonight?”

Curses! I was going to have to lie. My greatest weakness! “Um. I have to go. To that. Meeting.”

“What meeting?”

I broke. “Damn you and your unbelievable interrogation techniques! I cannot withstand your barbarism and must now admit to all that I just don’t want to go to a feast because that sounds terrible. For shame, Knight Commander, for shame. How do you sleep at night?”

Barbarism, Ryan mouthed to Tiggy, who shrugged.

I could be merciful. “Fine. I guess I shall attend this feast in my honor where people will ooh and aah over me and essentially beg for my forgiveness, and maybe, just maybe, if they’re lucky, I’ll consider bestowing upon them my forgiveness, for I am a wizard now, and a wizard should show both mercy and magnanimousness, both of which I have in spades. Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to retire for the afternoon, as today has been exhausting and I deserve rest. I say good day to all of you.”

“Yeah, you didn’t just spend a year in the woods with Kevin or anything,” Gary muttered.

I moved to leave.

“Sam—”

“I said good day!” I called over my shoulder.

And I was about to leave the barn when I remembered I had no idea where I was staying.

I sighed and had to acknowledge that my dramatic exit was ruined.

I turned, and the others were staring at me, looking entirely too amused for my liking.

“I don’t know where I live,” I mumbled.

“You’re with me,” Ryan said dryly. “Like you would be anywhere else.”

“Well, then, hop to it, Foxheart. I haven’t got all day. If I’m going to be greeting my adoring and repentant public, then I need to put on my face.”

Ryan sighed but walked toward me.

It was when we left the barn that he took my hand in his and leaned over to whisper, “I missed you, I’m still furious with you, I love you, and I’m so happy you’re home,” that I knew I would fight like hell to make sure everything turned out okay.

Even if that meant working with Lady Tina DeSilva.

 

 

WHEN I’D arrived at Camp HaveHeart I’d been unsure what kind of reception I was going to receive.

But now?

Nothing says we’re sorry for being racist assholes and trying to get you killed and a whole bunch of other bad stuff like a party thrown in your honor so people could grovel and eat large slabs of pork.

Camp HaveHeart was lit with brightly colored lights hanging on strings about the center of the camp. Fires were roaring, cooking meats that sizzled and crackled as the fat split. There were tables of fruits and vegetables, bread in bowls illuminated by candlelight. Casks of wine were rolled out, mugs filled and sloshing as people sank themselves in drink. A stage had been set up next to the tables, lined with knights standing at attention, and a quintet of musicians sat upon it, a jaunty tune flowing brightly into the cool night air. Men and women danced, children laughed and clapped, and everything seemed merry and light. I wondered if this was for them as much as it was for me.

It also felt like they were trying too hard, because I saw the looks on their faces as we approached, Ryan next to me. He made a wonderful vision, handsome and strong, shoulders squared and head held high.

And I was at his side, adorned in something I hadn’t had to wear in a very long time: a long flowing robe, green like the forest and covered in crystals that reflected the firelight like stars. The hood was pulled up and over my head, the sleeves so long they almost covered my hands. It’d been a gift from the King when I turned eighteen. Ryan had saved it during the exodus from Castle Lockes, though I was sure there were many other important things he could have grabbed.

But it didn’t stop there. Gary had decreed that I needed makeup around my eyes, black lines that caused my eyes to seem bigger than they actually were, smoky and dark. I told him that I wasn’t trying to look slutty, that I needed to be respectable. Then I’d seen the look on Ryan’s face when he’d walked into the room, and demanded that Gary do my other eye as quickly as possible, because I planned on getting motherfucking laid when this party was over.

Ryan had blushed.

Gary had grinned.

We made quite the pair, my knight and me, and the people of Camp HaveHeart couldn’t help but stop and stare, like they were waiting for something. Yes, they were laughing and singing and dancing, but their gazes kept darting over to us—to me—and I didn’t know what they expected from me. It was a heady feeling, having such sway over them all, but it rankled more than it pleased. I never asked for any of this. Their sorrowful reverence, these dragons, Myrin, this destiny. I just wanted to live my life with my friends and my knight and be the best wizard I could be.

Things were different now. Nothing would be the same again.

No one tried to stop us as we moved through the crowd, and no one spoke to us. We received acknowledgment with a nod here or there, or a bow and a curtsey. I was relieved, because I was feeling a little overwhelmed, still not used to being surrounded by so many people. The lights were almost too bright, the people too loud. Ryan must have felt my unease, because he gripped my elbow a little tighter, digging his fingers into my skin and grounding me.

It was enough.

A long table sat facing away from the stage where the others were already waiting. Kevin lay on his stomach, front legs folded in front of him, wings at his sides, tail twitching with the beat of the music. Gary sat next to him, face inside a mug of wine, the fucking lush that he was. Tiggy was in a large chair next to him, head tilted back as he smiled up at the stars.

Mom and Dad were next. My mother looked beautiful in a long blue skirt, her feet bare, a sash tied around her waist. Her midriff was exposed, and she wore a puff-sleeved peasant blouse, looking more like a gypsy than I’d seen from her in a long time. She had large hoop earrings and a necklace made of large gold coins.

My father wore a sleeveless coat, the neck of which was lined with fur, like the people in the North wore. His arms were thick with muscle. A metal band that looked as if it would break apart if he but flexed even a little wrapped around one bicep.

Vadoma sat next to my father, but she was ignoring him in favor of whispering with Lady Tina. That couldn’t possibly end with anything but destruction, and I would have to find a way to separate them as quickly as possible.

Justin was next to Lady Tina, dressed down more than I had expected. He wasn’t wearing a crown (if he even had one still) or any kind of kingly robe. He wore a long-sleeved white shirt with a black jerkin over it, accentuating his chest and arms. His trousers were tight and his boots dusty. He looked regal but more of the people than he ever had before.

“I can see why you had sex with Justin,” I whispered to Ryan. “Dat ass, you know?”

Ryan tripped over his own feet.

“Whoa there. Walk much? Ha. Classic.”

“Why are you staring at the Prince’s ass?” he hissed at me.

“It’s right there. But have no fear. I like yours better.”

He rolled his eyes but muttered, “Damn right you do.”

There were two open chairs next to the Prince, which I assumed were meant for Ryan and myself. At the other end of the table stood Terry, his horn gleaming in the firelight. He smiled at the sight of Ryan, and I vowed to flirt aggressively with his father if we ever met.

“Our lives are really weird,” I said.

“Glad you’re just now figuring that out,” Ryan said, fake smile plastered on his face as he nodded at the people of Camp HaveHeart.

“Can we sit at the other end of the table? I don’t know that I want to be next to Terry. He creeps me out with the way he wants to put his face in your asshole.”

“Sam.”

“Oh please. Like you can’t see he has a massive crush on you.”

“He does not.”

“He’s looking at you right now like he wouldn’t mind if you flopped your dick on his mouth. I should know. I often look at you the same way.”

“That’s how he normally looks.”

“Uh-huh. Whose idea was it to ride him when you came into camp?”

“His. That doesn’t mean—”

“When have you ever known a unicorn to offer to let you ride them?”

“Gary. At Kevin’s keep. After the truth corn.”

“Well, yeah. Gary told me later that he wanted to hate-fuck you.”

“What?”

I shrugged. “He didn’t like you very much back then, but he could still appreciate your finer qualities. Like your thighs wrapped around his neck.”

“I’m feeling so objectified right now. And slightly queasy. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look Gary in the eye again.”

“You get used to it, trust me.”

“That should not be a thing you get used to.”

“What? Who are you to tell me how to live my life—oh. Right. Monogamous boyfriend. Sorry, dude. I promise not to bring up what else Gary has said about you if you won’t have sex with Terry.”

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.”

I gasped. “Are you not saying no? Does our love mean so little to you that you can’t even refute the accountant unicorn’s lecherous gaze? Huh. That sounds like the beginning of a really weird porn. You know what? I’ll allow it. Knock yourself out.”

“I’m going to knock you out—”

“I’m so pleased you’ve decided to join us,” Justin said, sounding annoyed. “And why are the two of you looking like you’re conspiring toward something I won’t like?”

“Ryan told me he’s going to cheat on me with a unicorn,” I said morosely.

Justin stared at Ryan, who scowled. “Does that sound like something I’d say?”

“Normally I would say no. But when you get with Sam, you’re just as odd as he is. It’s infectious. Like a disease. But on the flip side of things, you really have been rather boring since he’s been gone.”

“Justin loves me more than anything in the world,” I told Ryan. “You might as well accept that now.”

“I barely tolerate your presence,” Justin retorted because he was complicated and had to save face.

“Yeah,” I said, winking at him, because I knew what he meant. “I barely tolerate your presence too, best friend 5eva.”

“Whatever,” he grumbled. “Sam, you will sit at my right side since you are my wizard. I expect you—why are you looking at me like that? How in the name of the gods are your eyes so big?”

“You just called me your wizard,” I breathed.

“Oh no, Sam, you get that look off your face right this second. I won’t be hugged when you get like this, you—godsdammit.”

“Shh,” I whispered in his ear, wrapping my arms around him, holding him tight. “This is a magical moment that we need to share by touching each other.”

He sighed. “You have to know how that sounds.”

“Yes. Like I love you.”

“Sam.”

“Yes, Justin.”

“Two minutes.”

“Ten.”

“One.”

“Five.”

“None.”

“Shhhh. It’s okay. I know you have to act a certain way but that you wish we were alone so you could hug me back and not let me go for a long time. It’s okay. I got you. I got you, Justin.”

“I don’t wish we were alone, you ridiculous cretin. In fact, this hug is over. Ryan, take this thing off me before I skewer it where it stands.”

“I’m feeling so many things right now,” I announced as Ryan somehow managed to pry me from the Prince, who gave a haughty sniff before moving toward the stage.

“You’re an idiot,” Ryan told me, but he sounded rather fond.

I shrugged. “Sometimes. But you notice how Justin didn’t shove me off right away? And he hugged me when you guys got back to the camp. My plan is working.”

“And what plan is that?” Ryan asked as he pulled my chair out for me. I couldn’t even be bothered to give him shit for it because I was ridiculously charmed.

“To wear him down until he can no longer say no to me. It’s a good plan.”

“It sounds like you’re committing a serious crime.”

“Fine line, Foxheart. You gotta learn how to walk it.”

“Hi, Sam!”

I turned to see Tiggy waving furiously at me from farther down the table.

I waved back just as hard, because when a half-giant expends that much energy in a greeting, it means you are loved. I wished we had been seated next to them, but I understood that wasn’t always going to be the case. I was, as Justin pointed out with rapturous joy, his wizard now, which meant my position was by his side. I had a job to do, and I was going to make sure Justin didn’t regret me too much.

Ryan took his seat next to me, his armor bulky and uncomfortable-looking, though he’d had years of experience with it. Terry batted his eyelashes and whispered a greeting to Ryan that was meant to be innocent but made me want to punch him in the eye, because honestly.

Justin took the stage as we turned our chairs toward him, and the music came to an end with a grating flourish. The people of Camp HaveHeart began to cheer at the sight of their Prince. It roared over us like a crashing wave, and I was surprised at the sheer ferocity of it. Even Justin looked taken aback, mouth dropping open as his subjects cheered for him, as the knights guarding the stage turned as one, curling their right hands into fists and pressing them against the left sides of their chests as they bowed.

It went on and on and on, until Justin finally raised his hands to quiet the crowd. They complied, and the knights guarding the stage turned back around, snapping to attention.

“Thank you,” Justin said, voice carrying over the feast. “I didn’t expect… that from you. I don’t know why I didn’t. I should have. You are my subjects. You’re—no. Not just my subjects. You’re my people and I’m your Prince, and I should have expected that you would care for me as much as I care for all of you.”

“We love you, Justin!” a woman screamed. “Wooo!”

Justin looked startled at that, and his face broke into a rare smile. In that moment he looked so much like his father. “Thank you,” he said, chuckling. “That’s… very nice of you to say. I, uh… I’m not very good at this. As I’m sure you can tell. My father, he—um. He’s great at this sort of thing. More than anyone I’ve ever known. He taught me everything, and if I am any sort of success, if I become even half the king he is, then know it’s because of him.”

“To the King!” another voice cried out, followed by hundreds of voices repeating it over and over again. Mugs were raised, and men and women alike wiped tears from their faces.

“To the King,” Justin echoed as the cheers died down. “To the King, because we are Verania, and King Anthony belongs to all of us. He’s… a prisoner of war now. Taken from us by a man who wants to separate us, to make us weak. That’s what this man thinks he’s done. And maybe it started out that way. We lost many things. Our homes. Our friends. Our family. Meridian City. The City of Lockes.” He glanced at Vadoma. “Mashallaha, the home of our gypsy brethren, many of whom have been enslaved by the Dark wizards who came for us in a moment of great mourning.”

The crowd was completely silent, and even though I stared straight ahead, it felt like all eyes were on me.

Justin looked down at his hands and shook his head. “I wish… I wish I had stood here on this stage long before now. I should have been the prince you needed and, instead of trying to greet you in passing, spoken to you as one. We lost much to this… man. This Dark wizard. He took Morgan of Shadows from us all.” He looked back up at the crowd, jaw tense, gaze steely. “I’m afraid of many things. I’m afraid for you. For my father. For our future. But I am not afraid of him. And I am not afraid to say his name. There is only one person to blame. One person who has brought his fury down upon us. One person who attempts to take all that you hold dear. And his name is Myrin.”

The crowd sighed as one, and gooseflesh prickled along my arms and the back of my neck.

“His name is Myrin, and he is the enemy of Verania. And the gods knew of him, knew what he was capable of. They knew what was coming, and in the end, chose one of us to rise against the dark.”

“Oh no,” I whispered. “That bastard.”

“He knows what he’s doing,” Ryan said, breath hot against my ear. “You need to trust him in this.”

“As you know, Sam of Wilds has returned to us, after… communing in the Dark Woods with the dragons of Verania.”

Communing, I mouthed furiously, and I swore I saw Justin’s lips twitch.

“Except he is no longer Sam of Wilds, apprentice to the King’s Wizard. He is now Sam of Dragons, wizard. And if I have my say, if what I hope will come to fruition, then he will serve my father as the King’s Wizard for a long time to come. And once I am called upon to take the crown, I hope he will serve me just the same.”

The crowd erupted again, and Justin stared down at me defiantly, as if daring me to speak against him.

Instead I chose to sputter. I was going to give him so much shit later.

“But we cannot be dependent upon one person,” Justin continued, “even if he has been chosen by the gods. Each of us must contribute if we’re to have any hope of returning Verania to the way it once was. And I believe we can, because I believe in all of you. So while we now have the advantage of our wizard, we must all rise against the Dark before the country we know and love becomes mired in shadow. We will take back what is ours, I promise you. I am your Prince, yes, but I am also one of you. They have taken just as much from me as they have from you. And I will not stand for it any longer.”

The crowd cheered their approval.

“He’s going to make a noble king,” I muttered.

“I think so too,” Ryan said. “And you’re not going to do so bad yourself.”

“Gee, thanks. That was heartwarming.”

“Still pissed at you. Take what you can get.”

“Oh, I’ll take it all right. And then you’re gonna get it, mark my words.”

He shivered a little.

I grinned.

“Now,” Justin said, sounding more annoyed, “before we continue, I’m told there is an… entertainer here who would like to perform a song he says he created just today.”

I frowned. Why did that sound familiar? Ryan just shrugged at my questioning look, so I turned my gaze farther down the table to see Tiggy and Gary whispering to each other. They must have felt me staring at them, because they immediately quieted and grinned at me like they knew something I didn’t.

Justin looked like he had just sucked on a rather juicy lemon when he said, “Ladies and gentleman, I give you… Zal the Magnificent.”

Those. Fucking. Assholes.

The people of Camp HaveHeart lost their damn minds.

I started to rise from my seat, but Ryan tightened his grip on my hand. “Sit down.”

“Did you know about this?” I growled at him, trying to jerk my arm away so I could go and beat down a hornless unicorn and a half-giant.

“Absolutely,” he said, not even having the decency to look contrite. “Why do you think I kept you away all afternoon? Gary and Tiggy didn’t want to take the chance of you running into him and ruining the surprise.”

“The surprise? Do you know how long it’s taken me to get that godsdamned song out of my head? Years, Ryan. It has taken years.”

He shrugged. “I thought it was kind of nice.”

I gaped at him. “You thought ‘Cheesy Dicks and Candlesticks’ was nice?”

“If it makes you feel any better,” Lady Tina said from my left, “I hate the song too.”

“Thank you, Lady Tina,” I said. “At least someone here is in their right mind, even if it happens to be my mortal enemy.”

“You’re welcome.”

I turned slowly to stare at her. “Don’t push it.”

I heard snickering farther down the table and saw Gary and Tiggy looking inordinately pleased with themselves. Making sure they were watching, I pointed at them, then drew a finger across my neck before miming gouts of blood shooting out from my throat.

“We’re, like, six people away,” Gary said. “We can hear you just fine.”

I blinked. “Oh. Right. Sorry. Okay. So, in case you couldn’t tell what I just did, I am going to slit your throats, and all your blood is going to come out onto the ground and stuff. It’s going to be super violent and really gross, and I hate you guys so much.”

“No hate,” Tiggy said, frowning at me. “Hating is bad. Not nice.”

If you’ve ever been rebuked by a darling half-giant, then you know it feels like getting hit in the chest with all the feelings in the world. “Sorry, Tiggy,” I muttered.

“Thank you.”

“I’m still going to have my revenge.”

“Silly Sam, cheesy dicks are for everyone.”

And then Zal the Magnificent took the stage.

He didn’t look any different than when we’d stumbled into his tavern on our quest to save the Prince from the evil dragon. The bard was a tall, thin man with a goatee that wouldn’t look out of place on a villain who monologued everyone in their immediate vicinity to death. His dark hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and his clothes were dusty and travel-weary, as if he’d been on the road for a long time. But he had that same wicked smile on his face, and he carried the same oak lute he’d had in the tavern.

“You know what?” I said, starting to rise again. “This has been fun, but I think I’m going to—”

“Terry!” Gary screeched. “Now!”

“Do I have to?” he sighed.

“Yes!”

I frowned at him. “What are you going to—oh my gods, no, please don’t—”

But it was far too late, because Terry had already charged at me, spun around, and sat in my lap.

“Why,” I wheezed as the chair creaked beneath me. “Why… is your… whole family… like this?”

“This wasn’t my idea,” Terry muttered. “In fact, I absolutely refused. Then Gary reminded me about the whole horn thing, and I had no choice.”

“I have had… so many… unicorn assholes… on my person.”

“Oh please,” Gary said with a sniff. “You know what they say about a unicorn’s backside. Touch a unicorn’s ass, and the world will love you en masse.”

“No one… says that. Literally… no one.”

“I heard it before,” Tiggy said. “From Gary.”

“You guys are so embarrassing,” Terry muttered.

“You’re the one… sitting on me.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I don’t want to be.”

“Ryan… help me.”

“Nah. I’m good.”

“You… bastard.”

“Most likely.”

“Camp HaveHeart, how we doing tonight?” Zal cried.

Camp HaveHeart was apparently doing very well, if the sound they made gave any indication.

“I hope you’re enjoying your evening here. But since this is essentially a refugee camp as our homes have been taken away from us, you’re probably not having very much fun at all.”

The crowd laughed.

“He’s so right!” a voice called out. “I’m laughing, but I’m also dying a little on the inside!”

“He’s… repeating… material,” I managed to say. “Not… funny… the second time….”

“But we are truly in the presence of greatness tonight, aren’t we? I am thrilled to have been invited by the emissaries to the Prince of Verania, General Gary and Major Tiggy. Give them a hand, folks, won’t you?”

“General and Major?” Justin said, standing next to the stage. “What the hell—”

Gary stood up taller next to Tiggy, flipping his mane unnecessarily. “Thank you,” he said to the smattering of applause. “Just happy to be here. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, please. Stop. I didn’t actually mean stop. My gods, do none of you know what humble looks like? A lost cause, all of you.”

“I like pine cones,” Tiggy said, waving jovially at the crowd.

“Yes, yes, if there has ever been a more capable duo, then I’ve never met them,” Zal said. “Granted, I’ve never met any other unicorn or half-giant, so I could be completely wrong.”

“Wow, we didn’t pay you to insult us,” Gary said loudly. “Only Sam.”

“Funny, that,” Zal said. “You haven’t yet paid me at all. But! I digress. Before we move on to the main event, please enjoy this brief word from our sponsor, which helps to pay the bills since unicorns are apparently cheap as all hell.”

“Excuse you, you strange whore!”

Zal exited stage left, and that same godsdamn man who’d been with the bard the first time with the same godsdamn receding hairline walked onto the stage, looking bored as he frowned down at the dirty piece of parchment in his hands. When he spoke, his voice was as monotonous as ever. “Does your life seem as if it has lost any and all meaning? Is your plumbing backed up? Do you wake up in the middle of the night screaming because of the shadow monster on the ceiling that is about to descend and feast on your innards? If you answered yes to any of those questions, then have I got some great news for you. Dr. Troy’s Amazing Elixir for Depression, Constipation, and Defenestration. Just one sip and your life will be bright, your bowels will be tight, and you’ll be able to sleep all through the night. Dr. Troy’s Amazing Elixir for Depression, Constipation, and Defenestration. Buy it today.” He dropped his voice and spoke rapidly. “Dr. Troy is under royal decree to disclose that he is not a real doctor, has never been to medical school, and makes the elixir in his shack in the woods. It should not be consumed by children, pregnant women, or really anyone who doesn’t want to run the risk of learning what it feels like to have their insides pour to their outsides from every available orifice. It can be given to animals, but be advised that it will drive them mad and they will attack you until you are nothing but a pile of bone and gristle and regret.”

He scurried off the stage.

“I… hate… everyone,” I hissed out.

“I’m having such a wonderful time,” Gary said. “Tiggy. Oh, Tiggy. Are you having a wonderful time?”

“Eh,” Tiggy said. “Feels like unnecessary rehash.”

“I suppose,” Gary said. “But everything is so different now, you know there are going to be people who complain when things aren’t exactly like they used to be.”

“What… the hell… are you talking… about?”

Gary flipped his mane prettily. “Never you mind. Oh, look! Zal is back. What fun this is going to be!”

“Your brother weighs less than you,” I snarled.

“You bitch! Why, if I wasn’t already sitting down to hear whatever mess is going to pour from the bard’s mouth, you’d be dead. You hear me, Haversford? Dead.”

“Thank you, Jerome,” Zal said, strumming his lute. “You are a beacon of beauty in a darkened world.”

Jerome curled his hand into a fist and moved it up and down quickly, rolling his eyes.

“Indeed!” Zal said. “Now, I haven’t been to the Port in ages, and I see it still smells like fishy death. Don’t ever change, you hear me? I mean, why would you when you can literally taste the thick seafood fog in the air?”

“Thank you!” someone called out in the crowd. “That’s very kind of you!”

“I know,” Zal said easily. “But I must admit I didn’t have plans to stay here. After all, when one’s country has been taken over by Dark wizards, one tends to keep on moving, especially when one is a bard, as everyone knows a bard is most likely one of the most highly sought-after individuals in the country at the moment.”

“Bards are the worst,” I ground out, sure that my face was turning blue.

“But just as soon as Jerome and I were about to pass this place right on by, who did I hear shrieking delightfully after me but my old friends Gary and Tiggy, who I met ages ago in a tiny little hamlet that somehow managed to avoid eradication by Dark wizards. But that’s only because no one actually wants to go there.”

Silence. Well, until someone coughed.

“Yeesh,” Zal said, completely unaffected. “Tough crowd. Moving on. I was told by Gary and Tiggy that our savior had returned to us after a long and arduous absence, and that is something I had to see for myself.” He grinned down at me as I flailed, trying to move Terry’s fat ass. “Sam! How lovely of you to make an appearance. Things have certainly changed since last we met. Once you were on a quest to save a prince, and now you’re tasked with saving the world. Talk about a promotion. How are you feeling tonight?”

“Like I’m being suffocated!”

“Fantastic,” he said. “We have a saying where I’m from.” He strummed his lute again. “We travel far, we travel long, stories told through ale and song.”

“Yaaaayyyy,” a man in the audience said.

“Now, we know my skills with the lute are unique,” Zal said, and I figured now was as good a time as any to let myself die. “My voice has been called melodious and on fleek. Now I shall sing you a song banned from all holy Masses. Ladies and gentlemen, the Grand Prince of Verania, I give you… ‘Dark Wizards Can Kiss Our Asses.’”

“Oh no,” I moaned.

“What,” Ryan said.

“What is this?” Justin growled at Gary.

“I love everything about my life,” Gary breathed.

“Hurray!” Tiggy exclaimed.

And Zal the Magnificent began to sing.

 

Once there was a country strong,

with a people most sweet and proud.

They always figured right from wrong,

and to a great King they bowed.

 

Then there came the darkest day,

from all of us this was taken.

Shadows came and had their way,

and left us all a-shakin’.

 

Buuuuuut… to themmmm… we saaaaaaaay….

 

Dark wizards can kiss our asses!

We’ll stab ’em in the gut.

Listen to me, lads and lasses,

Let’s fuck them in the butt!

 

“Wow,” Dad said. “I can see why you like him.”

“Right?” Gary said gleefully. “It’s like he’s from my dreams.”

 

There was a boy of simple means,

upon whose shoulders hopes were laid.

More weight than on kings and queens,

To him we looked and prayed.

 

Called upon the hopes of men,

he would need the help of dragons,

of which it can be said again,

That all the rest are laggin’.

 

“Sam! Sam! Did you hear that? Did you hear that.”

“Can… barely… breathe….”

“Yeah. He heard that.”

 

Annnnnnnnd… to eeeevil… we saaaaaaaay….

 

Dark wizards can kiss our asses!

We’ll stab ’em in the gut.

Listen to me, lads and lasses,

Let’s fuck them in the butt!

 

People had started joining in on the chorus. I was having a terrible time.

 

The gods had a chosen one,

to represent us all.

And if there’s a time when he’s truly done,

The rest of us will fall.

 

It’s a good thing, then, it rests on Sam!

A boy who has become a wizard!

He’s the one who’ll give a damn!

And possibly conjure up a blizzard!

 

“Ungh,” Ryan said, eyes glazing over as the chorus picked up again.

“I’m not even doing anything,” I snapped at him.

“Yeah,” he said. “But a blizzard. That’s so hot.”

“Oh please,” Terry said with a sniff. “It’s not that great.”

 

He’s returned to us to save the world,

and give some Darks the ol’ what for!

Knock ’em for a loop, causing ’em to swirl!

Hear the people behind you, Sam, as they start to roar!

 

The crowd roared.

Zal grinned.

I punched Terry on the thigh.

He grunted but didn’t move.

 

We ask of you to save us all,

And we’re sorry for past transgressions.

We’ll be with you, Sam, in the brawl,

acting out all our aggressions!

 

And to those bitches we saaaaaaaaaaay….

 

“I should have just stayed in the godsdamned woods,” I mumbled as the crowd sang loudly.

“Nah,” Ryan said. “I would have found you eventually.”

“That sounded creepy.”

“Or did it sound like ‘I love you’?”

“That’s not a boner for you,” I told Terry. “It’s for Ryan.”

 

And alas, after a verse or six,

We’re coming to an end.

Cheesy dicks and candlesticks!

We’re looking for our hearts to mend.

 

My eyes started to burn as the song slowed, as Zal’s voice broke just a little.

 

We turn to you, the boy we lost,

your body now littered with scars.

We know what your bravery cost,

and for you we wish upon these stars.

 

Annnnnnd we saaaaaaaaaaaaay.

 

Dark wizards can kiss our asses!

We’ll stab ’em in the gut.

Listen to me, lads and lasses,

Let’s fuck them in the butt!

 

He finished with a flourish, loud and raucous, the crowd crying out joy and pain, in happiness and sorrow. I saw tears on the faces of many, and as Terry finally stood and I sucked in a full breath, I had to wipe my own eyes.

Ryan was there next to me, his forehead pressed against mine, and he said, “They hurt you. I know they did. And they don’t deserve you. None of them do. Not after the way they treated you. But they need you, Sam. Almost as much as I do. Because without you, we’ve lost. Believe in me, because I’ve always believed in you, even when I was at my angriest.”

“You’re so stupid,” I muttered wetly. “I hate you so godsdamn much. You’re all manipulative, and I should curse you and then move far, far away.”

I felt his smile more than saw it. “But you won’t.”

“I won’t.”

“Because you love me.”

“More than anything, I think.”

He laughed quietly, and I thought it the most wonderful sound I’d ever heard. I wondered when last he’d done that, been carefree and happy.

“If you two are done being disgusting, I need Sam.”

Ryan sighed but pulled away.

Justin stood on the other side of the table, looking uncomfortable. “I didn’t have anything to do with that.”

“I know. I’ll deal with them later.” I shot a glare at Tiggy and Gary, but they just waved cheekily back at me. Their deaths would be slow and painful. After I hugged them.

“I need you now.”

“Justin, please. Not in front of Ryan. You know how jealous he gets.”

Justin rolled his eyes. “I need you to speak to them. To our people. They need to hear from you. They need to know that you forgive them.”

“And if I don’t?”

“Speak or forgive?”

I shrugged, because it seemed to be the same.

“Then you don’t. And they lose hope. They won’t know what we do, that you’ll fight for them until your last breath. That you will do everything in your power to take away the shadows and bring them back into the light.”

I squinted at him. “And how do you know I’ll do that?”

He snorted. “I know you, Sam. Very well.”

“Not carnally. That’s only for my babe.”

“Thank the gods for small favors.”

“I don’t—”

“I’ll say it.”

“Say what?”

He looked as if he were about to take the hardest shit. It was not a flattering look. “You know. The thing.”

“What thing?”

If it were possible, the holy-shit-this-shit-hurts look deepened. “You know. The thing.”

I gasped. “You will?”

He nodded like it pained him.

“In front of everyone,” I decided. “In fact, you should stand on stage and say it, and then I’ll believe you.”

“What are they talking about?” Terry asked Ryan.

“Honestly, I don’t even ask questions about it anymore. It’s easier that way instead of knowing my ex-boyfriend and current boyfriend have a thing together.” He frowned before turning to me. “I don’t like the sound of my own sentence.”

I patted his arm, because he was special to me.

“I can console you,” Terry said helpfully. “Do you want me to sit on you like I did for Sam?”

“Uh. No? Thank you, though. That’s very kind of you.”

“Anytime. And I mean that. Anytime.”

I glared at him. “I didn’t know accountants were supposed to be devious.”

“Do you know many accountants?”

“Well… no.”

“Then shut up.”

“Do I have to do the thing?” Justin groaned.

“Yes,” I said. “On stage, in front of everyone, and that will help me decide if I want to give a big, rousing speech that will inspire people generations to come.”

“You know what? I changed my mind. I don’t want to you to talk.”

I shrugged. “Your loss.”

“Dammit,” he muttered. “Okay, fine. I’ll do it. But then I will never do anything for you again.”

I grinned at him. “We both know that’s not true, but whatever you gotta tell yourself.”

He grumbled as he made his way back up on stage.

I grabbed Ryan’s hand and pulled him toward the opposite end of the table. “Lady Tina, Vadoma. You’re both looking… alive. Mom. Dad. I love your faces, so don’t ever change them. Gary. Tiggy. Your deaths will not be quick, and you will scream as I remove your intestines by attaching them to a winch and then turning said winch and pulling your guts out slowly. Kevin, you haven’t gotten on my shit list in the last twenty minutes, so keep it that way and we’ll be square.”

“He’s such a whiny little bitch,” Gary said to Tiggy.

“Right?” Tiggy said. “Bitches be whinin’.”

I smacked Gary on his left flank. “Rude. Also, I need your help. I have to give a speech that will inspire generations of people, and I just came to the realization that I have a startling fear of public speaking. I need you to help me overcome that fear, and also cowrite a speech with me.”

Ryan sighed like the drama queen he was.

“You’re in luck,” Kevin said. “I like public speaking because that means everyone’s attention is on me where it belongs.”

“And I write good speeches,” Tiggy said.

“And I will fix your appearance,” Gary said. “So people aren’t put off by how you normally look—I mean, bring out your inner self for all the world to see. How much time do we have? Three days?”

I glanced back at Justin, who was walking up the steps onto the stage. “Probably thirty seconds.”

They gaped at me.

“Justin is going to do the thing,” I said. “He wooed me into this with promises that were like balm to my beleaguered soul!”

“Huh,” Gary said. “Well, you’re fucked.”

“This gonna be funny,” Tiggy said. “Or sad.”

“One lesson I’ve always taught about public speaking is that you need to picture everyone in the audience naked,” Kevin said.

I blinked. “Oh, thank you. I suppose that could—”

“If it helps, I’m always naked.”

“And now I’m frightened again.”

“You know what?” Gary said. “Now that I think about it, I’m always naked too.”

“Tiggy be naked?”

My eyes widened because of the children. “No—”

“Tiggy be naked.”

And he dropped his drawers before holding his hands above his head and crowing loudly.

“He’s so wonderful,” Gary whispered to me. “We all are.”

I put my face in my hands.

“I’m hung,” Tiggy proclaimed loudly.

“I taught him that,” Gary said. “Because it’s true.”

“I am so glad they’re all back together again,” I heard Mom say.

“It was getting a little boring living in the refugee camp after our homes had been taken from us by evil wizards,” Dad agreed.

Justin cleared his throat loudly.

The crowd fell silent again.

Tiggy did not pull up his trousers.

It was good to be home.

“Thank you to Zal the Magnificent for that rousing rendition of… whatever that was,” Justin told the camp. “Truly. And since I now know who to blame for ‘Cheesy Dicks and Candlesticks,’ I’m even more grateful for your presence.”

Tiggy and Gary gulped audibly.

“I’ve already said most of what I could say,” he continued. “And I hope you take my words to heart. You are not alone. We are not defeated. We will not bow down to the shadows that crawl along our feet. I promise you, we will take back Verania.”

The crowd cheered.

“And now, I want to give the stage to someone who I think deserves our undivided attention.”

“He’s gonna do it,” I whispered fervently.

“Someone who has sacrificed much for King and Crown.”

“Oh my gods. Oh my gods.”

“Someone who will one day stand at my side at the throne in Castle Lockes.”

“Oh my gods oh my gods oh my gods—”

Justin looked rather pained as he said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my….”

“Say it,” I hissed. “Yaaassss, say it.”

“I give you my best friend 5eva, Sam of Dragons.”

The noise I made at that exact moment will not be described in detail here. Suffice it to say, I didn’t regret it one bit, even if everyone in my immediate vicinity turned to stare at me, as if they couldn’t believe such a sound could have come from a human being.

“That was amazing,” I said excitedly. “I knew he loved me more than anything else in the entire world. He just needed to be coerced into saying it by—”

“Ahem,” Justin said, glaring down at me. “Sam? If you don’t mind?”

I stared back up at him, confused. “Why would I mind? Justin, that was the greatest thing—”

“You need to go give your speech,” Ryan whispered to me.

“Oh. Oh. Riiiight. That. You know what? I’m good. Thanks, though.”

“Kevin,” Justin said.

“On it, boss man.” And then the traitorous dragon plucked me up from where I stood.

“Boss man,” I screeched, outraged. “You turncoat. I’m your boss man! Me! Sam of Dragons. Unhand me now, you vile creature!”

“He’s so loud for such a small thing,” Kevin said. “But as you wish.”

He set me down on the stage in front of the crowd of hundreds.

Instant stress sweat.

“Wow,” I whispered to Justin. “Did you know your bowels can loosen almost instantaneously? I didn’t know that until right this second.”

“I said the thing,” he growled back at me. “Now give the best speech you’ve ever given in your life.”

“I’ve never given any speech!”

“Well, here’s a good place to start.”

“Justin, why would you—where are you going? Are you leaving me up here by myself? Why would you do that to your best friend 5eva? You know what? I revoke that title. You are not—ah, man, I can’t do that to you. You’d be crushed. Never mind! Justin! Never mind! You are still my best friend 5eva!”

Someone in the crowd coughed quite pointedly. Like an asshole.

And then something remarkable happened.

Ryan Foxheart, the most dashing and immaculate Knight Commander that had ever existed, started to clap.

Slowly.

In the history of his lifetime, he had never started a slow clap.

He thought they were stupid.

But here he was, doing it just for me.

“I’m going to do you so gross later,” I threatened him under my breath. “Your asshole is going to be gaping.”

Tiggy, with his bits and bobs still hanging out, picked up on what Ryan was doing and began to clap along with him. Kevin started next. Gary followed by scraping the ground with his front left hoof. My parents joined in.

And it was like the dam broke after that.

Soon the entire camp was applauding me, even Lady Tina and Vadoma, though they didn’t seem to be very enthusiastic. I chalked that up to the fact that I hated them.

I now understood why people stood in front of others.

“I am so powerful,” I whispered. “Yes, love me. Love me.”

I raised a hand at the crowd.

They roared in response.

I raised my other hand.

They got even louder.

I did a little shimmy.

The cheers got quieter at that.

Rude.

I could do this.

I could do this.

Eventually they fell silent again, all eyes on me.

I swallowed thickly, wishing I could lift my robes to get a good breeze blowing on my nether region, but figured that probably wasn’t polite, especially since I was pretty much free-balling it underneath.

“Um. Hi,” I said.

Good start.

“Speak louder!” someone shouted. “I can’t hear you, and I want to dissect your every word for truthfulness and validity!”

Great. No pressure. How did the King and Justin do this? How did Morgan when he—

Morgan. It always came back to him, didn’t it?

He was where it started. And he was where it’d ended. The last these people had seen of me had been the day Morgan of Shadows had been laid to rest.

Always him.

I said, “I was just a boy. From the slums. I woke up every day knowing I was loved. Knowing I had a roof over my head, even if it leaked sometimes. That I had two people who loved me more than anything in the world. And it was good. It was good, because I was taught to be thankful for what I had.

“But some days were hard. Some days we went to bed hungry, and I could hear my mom crying through the wall and my dad telling her that it’d be okay, that as long as we were together, we’d figure it out. Those were the days when I’d lay in my bed and look up through the little window in my room. If I craned my neck just right, I could see the sky and the stars, and I… wished sometimes. They weren’t anything special, just the wishes of a kid who wanted his mom to be happy and his dad to be healthy. I wished to be someone great one day. But not just for myself. I didn’t want it for myself. I wanted it for them. Because I—”

I shook my head. “I don’t know if wishes work. I don’t know if the gods hear them. Consider them. Discard them or make them so. If it’s a frivolous thing or if it’s something we all must do. But I did it anyway, because I was a child who believed the world was a bright and wonderful place. And whether it was my wishes, or whether it was the gods themselves, he came for me. He told me that I was meant for something greater, something more, and that I—I don’t. I don’t know that it mattered. What he kept from me. What he knew even before I was born. You’ve heard of the… prophecy. Much has probably been made of it. It’s been twisted into something unrecognizable by people who wanted nothing more than to bring me to my knees.”

Lady Tina looked down at the table. Vadoma stared straight at me.

“I don’t… like. The word. Destiny. Because it means I don’t have a choice. That my decisions don’t matter. That everything I’ve done in my life has been preordained by higher powers, moving me like a chess piece across a board. That who I am, what I’ve become, was set in stone long before I was even a conscious thought.

“Stone, though. It crumbles. A friend taught me that. And Morgan was doing what he thought was right—and maybe it was. Or maybe it wasn’t, but it doesn’t matter in the end. I was angry with him. For a long time. For what I thought was a betrayal. But it’s different now. Because regardless of his actions, regardless of what he kept from me, I know one thing to be true with all of my heart: Morgan of Shadows loved me. He loved me and wanted nothing more than to keep me safe. Much like he loved all of you. Much like he loved Verania.”

I sniffled as I wiped my eyes. “He’s gone now. And not because of the actions of anyone here. Not because of anything you did, or I did, or—just.”

Lady Tina’s shoulders were shaking.

“But because of his brother.”

The crowd sighed.

“Because of Randall’s cornerstone.”

They bowed their heads. All except for Justin and Ryan, who stood side by side, watching me with fierce pride.

I took a deep breath. “It was Myrin. He took Morgan from me. From us. He took our homes and our towns and our cities. He took our friends and our families. Once, he was good. And kind. He was loved. But he let himself become mired in shadow and chose a path that led to the darkening of his magic. He was stopped, once. For a time. But he returned and took and took and took from all of us. And I ran.”

Everyone was silent.

“He took Morgan from me. And I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I tried. Please. You have to believe me when I say I tried. I have this… heart, this lighting-struck heart that beats in my chest, and I would have gladly given it up if it meant Morgan could still be… here. With all of you. That day, in that house, Myrin took from all of us, but I could only focus on what he took from me. My cornerstone was terribly wounded, I’d been betrayed by people I didn’t expect, Randall was gone, and Morgan was….

“I ran. Even if it had been expected of me, even if the only way I could have fulfilled my destiny was to enter the Dark Woods with the dragons of Verania, I still had a choice. I could have stayed. And fought by your side. Done what I could to make sure you knew that it would be okay again one day. Maybe if I’d stayed, things would be different. We’d be… and the King would still—”

Movement caught my eye. A man pushing his way through the crowd toward the front, but not to me.

“And for that, I’m sorry.”

The people of Camp HaveHeart breathed as one.

“I’m sorry I left you to deal with this on your own. The King asked me to be his Wizard, and I took his hand, a promise made that I did not keep. I should have done more. I should have been better. I should have—okay, you know what, dude? I can totally see what you’re about to do, so you might as well stop right now. I’m being super emotional up here, pouring out my heart and shit, and I’m not in the mood for whatever shenanigans you’re about to try. And notice how I said try. Because if you take one more step, I’m going to kick your motherfucking ass like you wouldn’t believe.”

The crowd was startled, looking around wildly.

The knights tensed in front of the stage.

Ryan pulled his sword, and Tiggy cracked his knuckles.

Gary started raining glitter, and a curl of smoke twisted up from Kevin’s nostrils.

The green and gold were there, stronger than ever.

The man didn’t hesitate. I saw the glitter of a knife as he started running toward Justin.

I sighed even as people began to shout.

I raised my hand, palm out, and snapped it closed into a fist.

It was done without the use of the ancient tongue.

Effortless, really.

The ground around the man shifted and broke apart, rock rising from the earth and wrapping around his arms and legs even before he could take another step. It was over in a matter of seconds, people shouting out in warning as they moved away from him.

Ryan was snarling as he pointed his sword at the man’s throat, Justin being pulled away by my parents and surrounded by the knights, their weapons drawn.

“Godsdammit,” I said. “You know how hard that was to be all profound? I mean, I was pouring out my soul on this stage. I don’t even like public speaking! And the Prince had just called me his best friend 5eva, and I was going to fucking wreck my boyfriend later, and it was going to be a good night for all of us—”

“Maybe not the time,” Ryan said through gritted teeth, the tip of his sword pressing against the soft skin of the would-be assassin’s throat. Only the man’s head and throat were exposed, the rest of him covered in rock.

“Right,” I said. “Not the time. Still, if I ever have to give a rousing speech again, I’m always going to think about how this guy ruined my first time.”

“He’s so self-aware,” Gary said to Tiggy. “I taught him that.”

“Very proud,” Tiggy growled, punching a fist into his other hand threateningly.

“Myrin knows you’ve returned,” the man gasped defiantly. “There is nothing you can do to stop him. He is expecting you now. You will not win. The time of the Darks has come, and we are—”

Ryan sighed. “Did you really have to say that? Gods, you all have to know by now how he feels about—”

“Monologuing,” I exclaimed. “You just tried to kill the Prince, and you’re monologuing? Oh my gods, I am going to explode your fucking nipples so hard, you don’t even know. You want the Flora Bora Slam, motherfucker? Because you got it. Gary! Tiggy! Hold me back before I kill every part of his body!”

“But you’re all the way up on the stage,” Gary said. “And we’re down here. You know how I feel about stairs, Sam. Beings with four legs shouldn’t have to try and navigate stairs—”

“Godsdammit,” I muttered. “Rage momentum ruined. Thanks, Gary.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Everyone! Everyone. I’m so sorry my speech was ruined. It was going to end awesome and you were all going to feel bad about turning against me and then we were all probably going to group hug and stuff and maybe cry on each other’s shoulders. Then I would have said I was on the road to forgiving all of you or whatever. It would have been totes awesome and would have gone down in the annals—”

“Heh,” Kevin said. “I’d go down in your annals—”

“Kevin. Shut. Up. I’m trying to be serious!”

“Oh. Right. Sorry.”

“Dammit, now I forgot what I was say—wait. Hold on. Group hugs, crying, forgiving, me being wonderful, annals—okay! And then I would have announced we have a plan—sort of—to take back what’s ours, and blah, blah, blah, we would have ended the night in semidrunken revelry, and everything would have been just swell.” I glared at the man in stone. “But then this guy had to ruin that. Dude, I am not very happy with you right now.”

“In the name of Myrin!” he shrieked. “We will return for—”

I snapped my fingers, and the stone crawled up, covering his mouth. I thought about raising it to his nose, but I didn’t.

“Okay!” I said, clapping my hands. “Who’s ready to kick some ass and take some names? I know I am. Going to kick some ass… and take. Um. Names. Or. Whatever. You know what? Doesn’t even matter. I’m here, I’m queer, and I am super pissed off. It’s time to take back what’s ours.”

“Yaaaayyy?” someone in the audience said.

“See if I ever try to give a stirring speech again,” I muttered. “You all suck balls.”