Chapter 9: Always Go to Confession Before a Gangbang

 

 

“YEAH, I’M not going in there,” I said. “Nope. I refuse. Absolutely not. Do you need me to say it in Elvish? Glaarka-darkk-fuggit. Or however their language sounds. I don’t know, I can’t speak Elvish.”

“We don’t have another choice,” Justin said, sounding annoyed. And in a remarkably deeper voice too, seeing as how I’d magically modified his face and voice so now he resembled a rotund balding man who maybe smoked too many cigars. He wasn’t very happy with me for that. “The sewers are the only way into the City of Lockes. We talked about this. It’s part of the plan.”

“Well maybe we need a new plan,” I retorted. “Do you smell that? That is shit. That smell is actual shit. I don’t want to walk around in someone else’s fecal matter. I already spent a year in the woods having to poop into holes and then cover it up.”

“That was probably too much information,” Ryan said, stroking his chest-length beard as he was wont to do since I’d grown it for him. His skin was almost as dark as mine now, and while I thought I should have changed him a little more, I couldn’t convince myself to get rid of dat ass or dem biceps, so that was as far as it went. “And there are walkways in the sewers. We’re not actually going to be walking in… anything.”

“But the smell—”

“Maybe you should have stayed back at camp with the others since you’re so incapable,” Lady Tina said snidely. Or rather, Dark wizard Tim said, because she was my greatest creation. We’d decided that only four of us would enter the City of Lockes, with the others remaining in Camp HaveHeart. Gary, Tiggy, and Kevin hadn’t been pleased being left behind, but I couldn’t transmogrify them into something that wouldn’t give us away. And it seemed easier to keep the number of people involved low just in case things went sour.

I’d argued against Justin going, saying he needed to stay with our people, to be the face of the Resistance in case something happened to the rest of us. He’d shot that down instantly. It was his father we were rescuing, and if I thought he’d stay behind and let the rest of us muck it up, then I was mistaken. He’d been rather fiery about the whole thing, and I was impressed.

For almost thirty seconds.

Because then he wondered aloud if I should be the one to stay behind, given that Myrin had already been informed of my return. I’d responded that Myrin wouldn’t expect me to come to the City of Lockes so soon. I didn’t really know if that were true, because I didn’t really know how Myrin thought, but I tried to put myself in his position. I wouldn’t expect me either.

Justin just rolled his eyes.

But when it was decided that Lady Tina would be the fourth member of our party, both Ryan and Justin in agreement, I did the only thing I could.

I made her boyish.

Er. Mannish.

She was totally a dude.

She had a scraggly beard and a terrible bowl haircut and looked as if she wouldn’t be out of place at St. Bernadine’s Home for the Criminally Insane and Wayward Adults, a psychiatric facility in one of the lower wards of the City of Lockes. She still sounded like Lady Tina, but through the filter of a rough, cracking voice. Also, she had an egregious overbite, because I was an asshole and she was my mortal enemy.

I looked amazing, of course. My beard was long and luxuriant, my hair settling on my shoulders like the great mane of some fierce and wild creature. I made myself a foot taller and my chest a little bigger, and grinned at myself in the mirror at the sight of the new and improved Sam of Dragons.

The others weren’t very pleased with me.

I’d told them that my magic reacted to how they were on the inside.

Which was total bullshit, but still. The horrified looks on Justin’s and Lady Tina’s faces had been so worth it.

We were all as dressed down as possible, given that we’d be ditching the clothes after coming out of the sewers. The smell would most likely cling to the fabrics and would be a dead giveaway. Each of us carried a pack with our disguises and assorted weapons. Ryan, Tina, and Justin all had their swords at their sides, the brutish amateurs.

But we were virtually unrecognizable.

All thanks to me.

Which is why I felt that I was well within my rights to not want to wallow in poop.

“We could just stroll through the front gate,” I muttered. “It’d be easier, and I wouldn’t have to potentially throw up a lot.”

“I told you,” Justin said. “Entering the City of Lockes now requires identification papers that we don’t have. We don’t even know what they look like since they change biweekly, so we couldn’t have you forge any. This way, we get into the City undetected.”

“And what if we’re stopped inside?” I asked.

“I suppose we’ll see if any of the time in the woods made you capable of running faster.”

“Hey! I can run fast. Like, so fast. Do you know how many times I’ve had to run for my life?”

“This isn’t going to go well,” Lady Tina muttered.

“Then you can stay behind,” I snapped at her.

“Sam,” Ryan warned.

I groaned. “Sorry. I’m still not used to standing near her without making plans to punch her in the tit. It’s hard to shift my worldview in such a short amount of time.”

“Try harder,” Justin said, peering down into the sewer grate. “Because it’s getting closer to dawn. We need to be holed up in the slums by the time the sun rises so we can rest for entering the castle later tonight. Nut up, Haversford, and get your ass into the godsdamn sewer before I stab you in the throat.”

“Am I allowed to be turned-on by that?” I whispered to Ryan.

“No,” he whispered back.

“Crap. Okay.”

“If you two are done whispering sweet nothings to each other, could we please get this grate off now?” Justin asked.

Oh. Right. That was me. “Stand back,” I told them. “My magic is a powerful thing, and I wouldn’t want two-thirds of you caught in the backlash.”

Lady Tina rolled her eyes as she backed away.

I looked up through the trees to see the outline of the City of Lockes in the dark, torches flickering along the wall surrounding the City. In the distance, I could see the flags atop Castle Lockes waving in the cool breeze. This was as close as I’d been to my city since the night I’d headed into the forest to face the Great White. I was surprised at the lump in my throat at the sight of it, that I could miss a place almost as much as I’d missed the people.

But there wasn’t time for that now.

We had a king to save.

I pushed out the barest amounts of green and gold, and the grate crumbled into dust that sloughed to the ground.

“Gods,” Justin said quietly. “That’s… could you have done that before?”

I shrugged. “Maybe. It’s… easier to manage now. I could probably always do these things, but it could have easily grown beyond my control. People could have gotten hurt who didn’t deserve it.”

“Ungh,” Ryan said, watching me with heated eyes.

“Does that happen every time?” Lady Tina asked Justin.

“Yes. And even when we have time for it, it’s still awful.”

“Then you wouldn’t mind going first,” I said cheerfully. “Especially since you’re all gung ho about going into the Shit Tunnels.”

“You capitalized that, didn’t you,” Justin said, peering into the sewer.

“Sure did. That’s how you know it’s gonna suck.”

“Fine,” Justin said, squaring his shoulders. “I am the Grand Prince of Verania. We are going to save my father, our King. I will lead the way.”

“Into the Shit Tunnels. Just say it. Say into the Shit Tunnels.”

“Into the Shit Tunnels,” he snapped at me and then disappeared into the sewer. Lady Tina huffed out an annoyed breath, hitched up her robes, and followed the Prince.

I whirled on Ryan while we had a moment alone, grabbed him by the back of the neck, and kissed him fiercely. He grunted in surprise, but his mouth opened immediately, his tongue in my mouth, hot and slick. I ground my hips against him as his hands found their way to my ass and pulled. I gasped into his mouth as I tightened my grip in his hair.

“What was that for?” he asked as I pulled away, his eyes hooded and dark.

“That was for saying no to sex and making sure we got a good night’s sleep last night like an asshole. Don’t you know anything about dangerous missions? You’re supposed to have life-affirming sex before you go.”

He rolled his eyes, but if the bulge in his trousers meant anything, he was not unaffected. “We’re going to be okay,” he said. “As long as we stick together. You don’t go doing anything stupid or half-cocked. Understand?”

I scoffed. “When have I ever done anything stupid or—”

“All the time. Like, everything you do. It’s literally who you are.”

“I’m not—”

“Promise me, Sam.” He’d lost the shine of lust in his eyes. Dammit. He was being serious, and I couldn’t blow him or blow him off. “You promise me that you’re gonna stay by my side.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Sure.”

He jostled me a little. “Sam.”

“I promise.”

He searched my face, trying to decide if I was being truthful. I gave him the ol’ Look-How-Precious-Sam-Is eyes, and he nodded slowly. “We’ll have time. After.” And he kissed me, swift and sweet, and disappeared into the sewer.

Before I followed, I looked up at the night sky above, the stars twinkling brightly. “You better take care of them,” I said quietly. “No matter what. Justin and Ryan. Lady Tina, if you have time. Nothing can happen to them, or you won’t like what I’ll do.”

I thought maybe David’s Dragon flashed a little brighter, but it could have just been what I wanted to see.

I turned and went into the sewers.

 

 

AND IMMEDIATELY gagged because dear gods.

“What do the Darks eat?” I moaned, covering my nose and mouth. “Their feelings? Sweet molasses, this is terrible.”

It was like getting hit with a wave of spoiled meat and evil. The air was thick and heavy, and I was pretty sure vomiting was an acceptable reaction to our current predicament. The others were similarly affected, breathing shallowly through their mouths. They stood upon a wooden walkway that had been constructed atop a noxious stream of water and many other things I didn’t want to think of. The sewer was dark, but we couldn’t risk lighting a match or a torch, given the gases rising from below us. I snapped my fingers, and a little burst of light exploded above my hand and began to flit around like a fairy.

The brick walls and ceiling were wet and dripping, covered in a blackish moss that seemed to grow all around us. I waved my hand toward the darkness ahead and the light shot forward, leaving a thin trail behind it.

“The quicker we move, the faster we’ll be out of here,” Lady Tina said.

I hated it when she was right. So I ignored her in favor of Ryan. “You’re sure this is the right sewer? Those schematics were dense. I couldn’t make heads or tails of them.”

“It’s a good thing I could, then, huh?” Ryan said. “Part of my training, making sure I knew every way in and out of the castle.”

“So glamorous. I can see why you’d want to be a knight.”

He laughed quietly as he bumped his shoulder against mine. “It has its perks. You noticed me, after all.”

“Gods,” Lady Tina said. “I liked it better when Sam wasn’t here. At least Ryan acted like a knight and not some lovesick teenager.”

“You get used to it,” Justin said. “Mostly. Ryan will lead. Then me. Sam will be next, and Lady Tina will bring up the rear.”

Lady Tina looked startled at that. “Your Majesty, I think I should be the one who’s behind you. We don’t know what troubles lie ahead.”

Before I could retort (how dare she question me), Justin said, “Sam will have my back, just like I know you’ll have his. He’s my wizard. He’ll—Sam, get that look off your face. We are not hugging right now, so don’t even think about it.”

“I’m only agreeing to the no-hugging thing because I’m pretty sure I just saw something that used to be alive floating underneath us, so. Yeah. I’m good with that. But don’t think I won’t get you later. You called me your wizard again. You adore me.”

He muttered something I couldn’t quite make out but I assumed was complimentary. Then, “Any more questions? Good. Let’s move.”

 

 

WHEN ONE is traipsing through a Shit Tunnel in the dark trying to infiltrate a castle to rescue a king from a group of villains, one has time to reflect upon all that has led them to this moment. I thought maybe this was divine retribution for all the things I’d done wrong. But then I remembered that some of this shit could belong to the King, having had to poop into a bucket, and it solidified my resolve, though I would never tell anyone that I’d had such a thought. Well, maybe years and years from now when we could look back on this whole thing and laugh.

The light swooped back and forth in the tunnel as we followed Ryan, first turning left, then right, then straight, then left and left and right. I trusted him to know where he was leading us, because I’d already gotten mixed up three or four turns back.

And somehow I’d gotten used to the smell. At the very least, the bile in my throat was gone, and I could breathe a little deeper. Every now and then we passed an opening above us, moonlight drifting down and illuminating the path ahead.

There was a moment, perhaps an hour later, when I felt something wash over me. Not physically, because there would have been a lot of screaming that followed, but mentally, like a blast of cool air in my mind that burst through the fog. It took me a minute to realize what it was. And what it meant. Who it meant.

“We just crossed into the City,” I said quietly.

Ryan looked back at me. “How do you know that?”

“I felt it. It’s…. Randall and Morgan are scorched into the bones of the City of Lockes. Into the wood and stone. Everywhere. Morgan’s gone, and Randall’s only the gods know where, but their magic is still here. It’s… dissipated. But I would know it anywhere. I always felt it when I came back from our adventures. I always thought it was just a feeling of being home. But it’s… it’s them. Even the Darks haven’t been able to take that away. That’s a good thing.”

A hand squeezed my shoulder as I sighed.

Ryan nodded slowly. “That’s… great. That means we’re on the right track.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Why do you sound so relieved? You said you knew where we were going!”

He shrugged. “It’s always good to have validation.”

“I’m onto you, Foxheart.”

“Sam, I told you. Not now. I’m obviously busy leading a mission to save the King.”

“God, that’s so hot when you get all Knight Commander.”

“Yeah?” he said, eyeing me up and down. “You like it when I take charge?”

“Oh yeah. If we weren’t standing in a fog of urine and fecal matter, I’d be all up in your shit.”

Ryan winced. “Might want to work on the phrasing.”

“Oh my gods,” Lady Tina moaned. “I hate everything.”

“It only gets worse,” Justin muttered.

“Justin, Tina, stop wasting time,” I scolded them. “Let’s get the fuck outta here, then, shall we? We have to be close. The slums weren’t that far from the gates of Lockes.”

They had matching looks of irritation on their faces. It would have been sweet if one of them hadn’t been Lady Tina in the skin of a man.

But whatever.

It took us only a little while longer before Ryan came to a stop next to rusted metal rungs that rose up the wall toward a sewer grate above. “I think this is it,” he said, squinting up. We could see patches of sky beyond the looming buildings, and the stars were fading into a lighter blue. We didn’t have much time before the City awoke to whatever it had become now. At the very least, I assumed there would be Darks in the streets. We needed to hurry.

“You sure?” Justin asked. “I could have sworn that we had a few more turns to go.”

“Pretty sure,” Ryan said. “I’ll go first. Check it out. Stay here.”

“Don’t you dare do anything stupid, Foxheart,” I growled at him. “If we need to move to the next one, we will. We can double back if we have to.”

He winked at me like a douchebag. But since I loved his face, I didn’t call him on it.

He dropped his pack on the wooden walkway and began to climb the ladder. I helped him by groping his ass under the guise of assisting him up the unsteady rungs.

“It’s so pretty,” I sighed.

“It really is,” Lady Tina agreed before coughing and shaking her head. “I mean, one would think you could at least control yourself in a sewer, Sam. However, the only thing shocking about this is how not shocked I am.”

“I was surprised at how easy I acclimated to the smell of the sewers,” I said mildly. “But then I realized I’d been near you for the last day or so and there’s not much of a difference in odors. Also, you look like an ugly man.”

Before she could reach for her sword and give me justification to Flora Bora Slam the hell out of her, Justin intervened. “Would you both shut up? We don’t have time for petty squabbles.”

“Yes, my Prince,” Lady Tina said, bowing low.

“Yes, my Prince,” I mocked under my breath.

I looked back up to see that Ryan had reached the sewer grate. His head was bent at an awkward angle as he tried to see around him before he attempted to lift the grate and set it aside. We weren’t going to disintegrate this one, given that it’d be more noticeable if it was missing.

Then an alarming thought hit me. “What about the map?”

Justin glanced at me. “What map?”

“The elven map. In your father’s office. Won’t that show us coming? As a threat?”

Justin shook his head. “It doesn’t work that way. It only shows villains with malicious intent. If anything, it’s probably swarming with Darks right now. Even if it showed us, we wouldn’t stand out. It’s one of the things I wish I could have grabbed when the City fell, but I didn’t have time.”

I swallowed past a lump in my throat at the thought of what he must have went through while I was gone. “I should have been there.”

“Maybe. Or maybe you did what you were meant to. It doesn’t matter now, Sam. What’s done is done. The only thing that matters at this very moment is getting to my father.”

Before I could respond, Ryan had made his way back down the ladder. “Road looks empty,” he said, wiping his hands on his trousers before picking his pack back up. “And the grate is easy to move.” He smiled quietly at me. “You’re not going to believe where we are.”

“Where?”

“You’ll see. Or you will if you remember. Come on. Sun’s coming up. The morning bells will start ringing soon.”

I waited a couple of rungs below Ryan while he grunted as he shoved the sewer grate up and over. He climbed up, then turned around and reached down to help me up. I didn’t need it, but since I had a chivalry kink, I allowed it, and absolutely did not giggle and flutter my eyelashes at him as we stood face-to-face, my hands upon his shoulders, the corners of his eyes crinkling slightly as he leaned in to—

“Seriously,” Justin said. “Now? You’re doing this now?”

I rolled my eyes and stepped away. “Once all of this is said and done and I’ve saved Verania from the clutches of evil, I’m going to find you a boyfriend so when you have special, intimate moments, I will be there to interrupt them like an asshole.”

“Good luck with that,” he muttered. “Because I don’t care about—what’s wrong?”

I barely heard him.

Because I was too busy taking in our surroundings.

Where we stood.

It was—

“Holy shit,” I whispered.

“Told you,” Ryan said, sliding the grate over the sewer again after Lady Tina climbed out.

“What is it?” she asked. Then she frowned. “Gods, these are the slums? It’s far worse than I ever imagined. And you came from here? No wonder you—”

“Not the time,” Justin snapped, and she looked sufficiently cowed.

“This is…,” I started but couldn’t find the words to continue.

Ryan came to stand beside me. “I stood just there,” he said near my ear, pointing down the cracked cobblestone road that stretched out before us. “I didn’t know why I was so upset to see you walking away with Morgan. I hated you. You were annoying and stupid, and I thought I’d be happy to see you go. I told myself I was just angry because you were getting to have a life I would never have. That it was unfair.”

“But you were just already lusting after me.”

“You were eleven.”

“Okay, maybe not lusting.”

“You turned back and waved at me. Just once. And then you were gone.”

“I remember. It was….” I shook my head. “I don’t know what it was. Funny how things turn out.”

His smile was a beautiful thing. “Yeah. Funny how things work out.”

“Are you two finished?” Justin asked. “Because we don’t have much time.”

I glared over my shoulder at him. “Excuse me. We’re being romantic. It’s not as if—”

The morning bells began to echo over the City.

“Shit,” Ryan said. “We need to move. Now. Sam?”

“Got it. I know where we are now. You’re sure it’s empty?”

He nodded but wouldn’t look me in the eye for reasons I didn’t understand. “It’s empty. Lead the way.”

I didn’t have time to question him. I moved toward an alley to our left, the others following.

It was strange, really, an odd sense of dissonance crawling over me as we made our way through the slums. Before Myrin rose to power, before Vadoma and my Destiny of Dragons, I’d made a point of coming back to the slums as often as I could, if only to remind myself where I’d come from. Ryan never came with me, more inclined to forget the past and focus on the future, but I was okay with that. We were just different that way.

The slums looked mostly the same, maybe a little drabber and more run-down, but the buildings stood as they always had, their shutters hanging off their hinges, gutters dripping water onto the broken cobblestone. It was grimy and dark and felt more like home than Camp HaveHeart ever would.

Justin and Ryan had told me that those who had been captured in the City had been relegated to the slums, that it was more like a prison than anything else. No one was allowed out, whether they be rich or poor. All were treated the same here, and while I thought there was a twisted sort of justice to it, everyone here was a prisoner. It didn’t really matter what they’d thought of me or what they’d done before I’d disappeared. They were all the same, and they didn’t deserve any of this.

Candles and torches were lit in windows and doorways as we kept to the shadows, moving through the slums toward our destination where we’d camp out for the day, waiting for dusk before making our way toward the castle.

It wasn’t long before we exited an alley onto the street where I’d—

I stopped.

Ryan crashed into the back of me, and I took a stumbling step forward. He grabbed me by the shoulders, but I couldn’t tear my gaze away from the sight before me.

There, between two dilapidated buildings, was our little house.

The one I’d grown up in.

It looked the same as it had the day I left. Yes, I’d come back to the slums often, but I’d never dared come here, sure that it’d undo my wish that had somehow come true. I’d been part of something greater than myself, and I’d been convinced that if I returned here, everything I’d been given would fade away as if it were a dream.

This was the first time I’d seen my home since Morgan of Shadows had taken me by the hand and led me to the castle.

And yes, the house itself looked the same, but the piles of freshly cut flowers around it were different. The scraps of parchment pinned to the walls and door were different, scrawled with words I couldn’t make out. The chalk drawing of a heart with a lightning bolt through it on the ground near the doorway was different, the heart green, the lightning bolt gold.

“What is this?” I asked quietly.

“It started a little while after you left,” Ryan said, taking my hand in his. “When the Darks started to come from the woods.”

“People prayed here,” Justin said, coming to stand on the other side of me. “To the gods. To you. To help them. To believe in them. They came here because they didn’t know where else to go. They thought you had forsaken them.” He shook his head. “And no matter what we said, they couldn’t be convinced otherwise. It started with just people from the slums. But then it grew to the other quadrants of the City. And then beyond the City.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You’re their hope, Sam,” Justin said. “It’s as simple as that. And hope can become a weapon when all else seems lost. They’ve been waiting for you to return. And now you have.”

I walked across the street, the others behind me. The doorway to the shack was covered in flowers and notes, and as I read them, I wondered if I deserved such faith, such faith and veneration.

Please come back.

I hope you’re safe, Sam.

I’m sorry for what I said about you, wizard. I just didn’t understand.

MYRIN SUCKS BALLS.

My brother is missing. He believed in you more than anything.

I don’t want to be scared anymore.

Fuck the Darks! Sam of Wilds is the best wizard there is!

HAVEHEART 4 LIFE! :) :) :)

And one, written in a childish scrawl: We will always believe in the light.

I didn’t deserve them. Any of them.

“What if I let them down?” I asked, staring at the dozens of notes pinned to the door and wall. “What if I can’t be what they need me to be?”

It was Lady Tina who said, “You’re not alone, Sam. It doesn’t just rest upon you. We’ll all fight to take it back. And we’ll win.”

For once, I couldn’t think of a single snarky thing to say to her.

Ryan stepped over the flowers and pushed the door open. He looked back at me and held out his hand. “You ready?”

I hesitated, but only briefly. I took his hand and went inside.

 

 

“YOU NEED to get some sleep,” Ryan said. He was lying on the floor in my old room, head resting on his pack. Sunlight was beginning to filter in through the slats of the shack, and I knew the room would get warm later in the afternoon. I was busy staring at a collection of rocks piled in the corner. “We’re going to need to be as fresh as possible.”

I snorted. “Just because you can do that freaky thing and fall asleep immediately doesn’t mean the rest of us can.”

“Army training. Learned to sleep wherever and whenever we could.”

“Yeah. Freaky.”

“Why are you staring at those rocks?”

I shrugged. “They used to be mine.”

He squinted up at me. “What?”

“I collected rocks when I was a kid.”

“Why?”

“Because we were poor and there was nothing else I could get for free. And they were pretty. Sometimes.”

“You were a strange kid.”

“Right? And look at me now. Collect rocks, kids, because one day you’ll get to bone a knight and do magic and go on adventures.”

He laughed. “Maybe refine that message a little before you actually tell children that.”

I arched an eyebrow. “It’s pretty much true.”

“I think you might be a special case.”

“Heard that before.”

“Come here.”

I sighed and shoved my pack next to his. He opened his arms as I lay down, my head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me close. He kissed my fake hair, and I nuzzled his fake beard. It was nice. Mostly.

“You’re still mad at me.”

He snorted. “Yeah, but I’m allowed to be. Doesn’t change the fact that I’ve always believed in you, even when I told myself I didn’t.”

“Leaving you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.”

He sighed. “I know. But you did what you thought was right.”

“Was it?”

“Time will tell, Sam. But I think so. We’ll get through this. I refuse to believe that villains win in the end. They rise, but so do heroes. And we’ll fight back until we have nothing left. Because that’s who we are.”

“Fancy yourself a hero, do you?”

“I am rather dashing and immaculate, in case you didn’t know.”

“I do. Still sort of douchey, though. In case you didn’t know.”

“And in case you didn’t know, these walls are very thin and we can hear every word you’re saying,” Justin called out irritably from my parents’ old bedroom.

“It’s like they never stop,” Lady Tina moaned. “This is why I shipped Rystin.”

Ryan snorted into my hair.

He fell asleep shortly after.

I stayed awake for the longest time, watching the sunlight stretch across the wall.

 

 

NIGHT HAD fallen by the time we stepped outside the shack again. We’d all changed out of the clothes from the previous day and were wearing Dark wizard robes that the Resistance had gathered over the past few months. They were black and heavy, the material scratchy, but they were thick enough to hide weapons, and coupled with my shaping magic, we looked the part quite fiercely.

Ryan went first, making sure the street was clear before signaling the rest of us to follow. Apparently there was a curfew in effect for all residents of the slums, which meant the only people who should have been out on the streets were the Darks themselves.

“There was even talk about forcing the people here to build a wall,” Ryan muttered as we crossed the street quickly. “To keep the people away from the rest of the City. They haven’t gone about it as of yet.”

“Gods, they’re such assholes,” I said as we entered an empty alleyway. “Do they really think a wall would help if people wanted to get through?”

“We did the same,” Justin reminded us. “At Camp HaveHeart. To keep them out.”

“Yeah, but let’s be honest here. The Darks suck ass. It doesn’t matter what color your skin is or how much money you have. I’d rather be with those people than with fucknuts.”

“As topical as this is,” Lady Tina said through gritted teeth, “maybe keep quiet for now? We’re not exactly going to be the only ones on the streets.”

She was right, of course.

I’d never admit that out loud.

Because she also sucked ass.

We kept to the shadows, moving through the City as quickly and quietly as we could. I was surprised at just how little resistance we met, given that I expected checkpoints on almost every corner. Maybe it was because we knew this City better than the Darks ever could, knew the side streets and the rooftops that would let us move almost undetected. In fact, I was starting to feel a little cocky about everything when—

“Stop!”

We all froze on the sidewalk.

“You there. You four!”

We turned slowly.

A single Dark wizard rushed toward us, robes flapping. He had a pencil-thin mustache over his upper lip. His mouth was twisted into a scowl, his brow furrowed. Great wisps of black hair flew up around his head as he moved. He wore large glasses with thick lenses that made his eyes look huge.

He was panting by the time he reached us. He bent over, hands on his knees, gasping for breath.

I was about to kick him in the face when he said, “Where do you think you’re going?”

“Um,” I said.

“Well,” Ryan said.

“You see,” Lady Tina said.

“Idiots,” Justin muttered. Then, “We’re on patrol, of course.”

Oh. Right! We had a cover story.

“Yes,” I said, because I felt the need to help. “That. Exactly that. Patrol, of course.”

Justin kicked the back of my leg as a reminder that I was not allowed to speak, given that I couldn’t lie for shit.

“Who is your supervisor?” the Dark demanded.

“Merle,” I blurted out.

Justin groaned behind me.

“Merle,” the Dark said. “I don’t know any Merle.”

I gasped. “You don’t? Oh my gods, that’s awful. He isn’t going to like it when we tell him that. No, I expect him to actually be very upset about it. And then he’ll probably do some Dark wizard things, like monologue unnecessarily or kick kittens with big eyes who don’t deserve it because all they want is to have a home of their very own.”

The Dark stared at me. “What.”

I shook my head ruefully. “How disappointing.”

“He kicks kittens?”

“Quite viciously.” I looked away, gazing into the distance, thinking about just how appalling it all was. “Once, he dropkicked one over the wall. Said the next time someone didn’t know who he was, he was going to dropkick them.”

The Dark winced. “He sounds very strict.”

“The strictest.”

“I had a kitten once.”

“Oh. Great. Um. Please. Tell me more.”

The Dark sighed. “He was this scrappy little thing. My pa got him for me. For my birthday. I have issues with my father, you know, deep-seated issues that I’ll probably never get over, but that day I thought maybe it was going to be okay. But it turned out it wasn’t a kitten at all. You see, I was practically blind at that point, not yet having been fitted for eyewear, and it turned out my kitten was actually a rat.”

“That’s… um. That’s super sad. Oh, you. There, there. It’s okay.”

The Dark shrugged awkwardly. “Yeah, it really hurt. I still think about it sometimes. Have you ever held a rat?”

“Can’t say that I have.”

“They don’t feel very nice.”

“You don’t say.”

“Yeah.”

“Well,” I said as I clapped my hands. “This has just been swell. You learned things, we learned things—unfortunately—and now we’ll continue on our way and you can forget you ever saw us.”

“Yes,” the Dark said. “That sounds fine. Thank you for listening to me. I should—wait. Why should I forget I ever saw you? Who did you say your supervisor was?”

I widened my eyes in surprise, looking over his shoulder. “Oh no, look! There’s your father bringing you another rat!”

“No, Papa, no!” the Dark cried as he whirled around.

I punched him in the back of the head. “Motherfucker,” I howled, shaking my hand against the biting pain. “What is your head made of? Bone?”

He held his head as he turned back toward us. “Did you just punch me?”

“Yes. Why aren’t you unconscious? Everyone knows if you hit someone in the back of the head, they get knocked out!”

“I just don’t understand why you would hit me! How uncalled-for. Here I am, pouring my heart out about my rat-giving father, and you hit me? Are you trying to make me regress to my childhood? Papa, is that you? Why can’t you love me?”

“Heeeee-yaaaah,” Lady Tina shrieked as she pushed me aside and roundhouse kicked the Dark in the face. He immediately crumpled to the ground, out cold.

“Whoa,” I said. “Like, I still don’t like you, dude, so, so much, so do not take this as a compliment. But that was badass.”

“Thank you,” she said primly, adjusting her robes.

“Still wasn’t a compliment, so. You know. No need for thanks.”

“You said I was badass.”

“Would you two stop flirting?” Justin snapped. “We don’t have time for this.”

“Flirting?” I gasped. “Are you out of your godsdamned mind?”

“As if I would ever,” Lady Tina exclaimed.

“Stay away from him,” Ryan warned her. “I don’t care that you guys have a history of mutually adoring me. You don’t get to touch him.”

“Ha!” I crowed at her. “You don’t get to touch me.”

“Like I would want to,” she snarled at me. “I don’t have a thing for unattractive people.”

“Oooh,” I breathed. “Gary! Did you hear that? You need to bring the pain—oh, wait. They’re not here. Dammit. Why couldn’t we bring Gary and Tiggy again so they could have my back? Oh, right. The Darks would recognize them because of their existence. Dammit. I guess that means Lady Tina can stay.”

She glared at me.

I winked at her.

“Stop flirting,” Ryan growled at me.

“Why is this my life?” Justin asked no one in particular.

 

 

SINCE WE couldn’t very well march up to the front gates of Castle Lockes and demand entrance no matter how good our disguises were, we had to come up with another way inside.

Ryan had an alternative. Given his role as the Knight Commander, he had access to a master key that opened most doors in Castle Lockes. Oh, not all, of course, because the King understood the value of privacy, but the necessary doors? All Ryan. And he, aside from the King, was the only one in possession of such a key. I could probably break whatever door we had to get into, but the less magic I used, the better, especially given we didn’t know how far Myrin’s reach extended. I’d felt him before, back in Mashallaha, calling me to him. And now that he’d consumed Morgan’s magic, I needed to do all I could to lie low.

So the front door was out.

But a side entrance? Perhaps one used by the knights to go in and out of the castle on their way to the training fields?

That was possible.

Well. It should have been possible.

Except for the fact that there were four Darks standing in front of it, shooting the shit without a care in the world.

“Dammit,” Ryan whispered as we peered around one of the King’s stables. “There’s too many of them. We can’t risk them raising an alarm. We need to find another—”

“Don’t worry,” I said, eyeing each of the Darks individually. “I got this.”

“What?” Justin hissed. “You can’t just—”

“Babe, tell him how villains love me.”

“He doesn’t need to tell me. Everyone knows about their weird obsession with you. But in case you didn’t know, we’re trying to remain undercover. You can’t just go out there and be gross with them!”

“I’m kind of going to agree with Justin,” Ryan said.

I glared at him. “So this is what betrayal tastes like. Bitter.”

Ryan rolled his eyes.

“And it’s not about Sam of Dragons,” I told Justin. “I just gotta be myself. I can charm the hell out of anyone, even looking like this. I’ll play the role Gary says I was born for, the wide-eyed newbie who stumbles upon a group of rough-and-tumble men and has his innocence devoured in a gangbang—you know what? I really should stop listening to Gary. And I’ll do that. Starting tomorrow. Hey, big fellas!”

“That’s who you chose,” Lady Tina whispered behind me as I stepped out into the open. “Over Justin. Are you kidding me?”

The four Darks turned toward the sound of my voice. I reminded myself that I wasn’t lying, per se, but acting. There was a difference, and this would be the role of my career. There would be stories told of my performance this night, and I would—

“Well, well, well,” Dark One said lecherously, which meant this would go exactly as I expected. He had a mean look on his face and a sloping gut. “What do we have here?”

I could do this. I could so do this. “Well, butter my biscuits and cover me in gravy, I do declare that I’ve found myself lost without an escort.”

Gary would be so proud.

“That right?” Dark Two asked, he of the hairy knuckles and bulbous nose that looked as if it’d been permanently reddened by drink. “All by your lonesome, are we?”

I batted my eyelashes at him. “All by my lonesome. Why, when I left the farm to head for the big city to be a Dark, I never thought I’d get so turned around. Those buildings are so massive.”

Dark Three laughed cruelly. His teeth were crooked and yellowed, and he smelled like badly aged cheese. “Do you like other things that are massive?”

“Why, whatever do you mean?” I asked, hand at my throat. “What else here could possibly be massive to li’l ol’ me?”

Dark the Fourth took a step toward me. “What’s your wizarding name, darlin’?”

On the spot! Ye gods! “Purity of the Blushing Virgins,” I blurted.

They gaped at me.

I heard wheezing behind me.

I winked at the Darks, hoping it would be enough to make their underwear fall off, tangle in their legs, and make them fall down and hit their heads and die.

It wasn’t.

I was disappointed in myself.

Dark Two popped his hairy knuckles. “Purity of the Blushing Virgins,” he repeated. “How. About. That.”

“Yes,” I breathed. “How about that. I, of course, didn’t choose that name for myself. Why, it was given to me by the monk where I lived.”

“The monk?” Dark One asked. “Thought you came from a farm, not a monastery.”

They could remember things! Curses! “Yes, exactly. The farm. It was a monk farm. Where the monks… farmed. And. Um. They adopted me? Yes, they adopted me after I was found in the woods as a child, and took me in. I worked their farm and kept myself pure and untainted because I wanted to make sure I remained… intact, and save it for the man I loved.” I licked my lips. “Or maybe four men I met on a dark road near a castle.”

They exchanged looks before turning back to me and grinning. Dark Three said, “Well, we seem to have found ourselves in a situation to help make all your dreams come true. Especially the wet ones.”

“Why, I suppose we have,” I said as my dick shriveled and my balls crawled back into my body. “Whatever shall we do with such a situation?”

Dark the Fourth grabbed his crotch and leered. “I’m sure we can find out. Why don’t you come a little closer so we can… get to know each other better?”

I didn’t think he was talking about tea and conversation. “But I’m so scared,” I whimpered. “Will it hurt?”

“Only a lot,” Dark One promised. “But after a while, you’ll be so stuffed, you won’t even remember your own name.”

“Ugh,” I said, grimacing. “I mean, ohhhh. Yes. That’s exactly what I want. I have so many holes to put things in. Tell me, will you treat me right?”

“Probably not,” Dark Three said. “But a pretty young thing like yourself can take it, don’t you think?”

“Sweet molasses,” I breathed as they got closer. “I might not have thought this through entirely.” And before they could reach for me, I cried, “Wait!”

They stopped, eyeing me hungrily.

“Before I do such a thing, I must go to confession!”

They eyed me a little less hungrily after that. “Confession?” Dark Two asked.

“Yes,” I babbled. “Confession. I must confess my sins to the gods before I give myself unto you and your manhoods. I ask that you meet me at church and sit with me while I confess before I let you fill me with what I expect to be extremely potent love juice.”

Dark the Fourth frowned. “That sounds like… a lot of work.”

“Ohh,” I said, rubbing my hand along my torso and neck. “I can promise you it’ll be worth it.” I accidentally poked myself in the eye. “Ow. Fuck. Ignore that part. Why, I do declare that I can’t wait to ride each of you in turn while the others stand and stroke themselves around me.”

“To the church!” Dark One cried.

“But we can’t leave our post,” Dark Two argued. “You know we could get in trouble.”

“Bah,” Dark the Fourth said. “This is a shit job anyway. No one comes this way. And it’s not like anyone can get in. The door is locked.”

“And besides,” Dark Three said, “when was the last time you had virgin? Can you imagine how tight he’s gonna be? It’ll be like trying to force your fist into a mouse hole.”

“Exactly like a fist into a mouse hole,” I managed to say, even as I fought the urge to vomit. “Now, as the monks taught me, I can’t be seen in public with men of your… voracity. So you head on to the church, and I will follow posthaste. And once I’ve made my confession, I expect to be ravaged. Though not in the church, because that would be blasphemous. And also, the church needs to be the one all the way on the other side of the City. Because reasons.”

“I don’t know,” Dark Two said, frowning at me. “Something about this doesn’t smell right.”

Time to up my game. I batted my eyelashes so hard I thought they were going to fall off as I took a step toward Dark Two. He was breathing heavily as I rolled my hips, thankful Gary had taught me how to walk like a sexy beast when I was fourteen. Granted, at the time, I’d failed miserably and he’d told me I was going to be alone forever, but still. I was doing this.

I reached Dark Two and put my hand on his chest and sucked my bottom lip between my teeth. “My loins,” I whispered, looking up at him. “They ache for you. I think I’d let you go first and teach me the ways of the flesh. Why, I should think someone of your mass knows exactly what to do with someone as sweet as me. I expect that I taste like cherry pie. Everywhere.”

He nodded furiously. “Church. We’re going to the church. Right now. Right now.”

I squealed and clapped my hands as I stepped away. “Oh, the joy in my tight, tight butthole knows no bounds. I am all aquiver. I am trembling with need and—you’re all running away. Great. Fantastic. Well, don’t I feel used.” I glared at the backs of the retreating Darks as they ran down the road. Soon they had disappeared from sight.

I turned back around toward my adventure companions.

Justin looked horrified.

Tina looked disgusted.

Ryan looked both turned-on and furious, which made me want to gag on his cock, but now was not the time for such endeavors, given that we were on a mission to save the King while remaining undetected, and public fellatio was not conducive for being incognito.

“What?” I asked.

Justin said, “I have lost any and all faith in people’s taste.”

Tina said, “Were they all blind? Because that’s the only thing that makes sense to me.”

Ryan said, “I could have taken them all with one hand tied behind my back, a blindfold over my eyes, a wooden sword, and no legs.”

We all turned slowly to look at him.

He looked extraordinarily grumpy as he crossed his arms over his chest. “What? I could have. I’m great at everything I do.”

“We absolutely don’t have time for your ego right now,” I said, waving my hand. “In case you can’t remember, we’re trying to rescue the King.”

He looked even grumpier at that. I had to remind myself that I’d already decided no blow jobs. The things I sacrificed for Verania. Once freed from the dungeons, the King was going to need to be made aware of my selflessness.

“Now,” I said, clapping my hands. “Shall we?”

Ryan pushed by me, muttering what I assumed were compliments about the power of my sexuality under his breath. I heard the jingle of keys from one of the pockets of his robes. He stood in front of the door, eyeing it warily.

“Do you not remember how keys work?” I asked him slowly. “Because I can show you if you—”

“I’m readying myself,” he snapped. “For all we know, the door is booby-trapped and will explode the moment we open it.”

“Then why would the Darks have been guarding it—from your expression, that was the wrong thing to say. Instead I am going to validate your concerns, because that’s what a good boyfriend does.”

“Oh, is that what a good boyfriend does? I thought a good boyfriend offered himself up like a sexual platter for Darks to feast upon.”

Sexual platter, I mouthed to Justin, who sighed and shook his head.

“I wouldn’t have slept with them,” I told Ryan. “You’re my one and only.”

His eyebrows looked like he didn’t agree with me.

I kissed his cheek.

His mouth twitched a little.

“You know that one thing you like that I do with my tongue underneath your balls?” I whispered in his ear. “I’ll do that to you later.”

“Blech,” Lady Tina said. “We can hear you.”

Ryan flushed furiously, but he looked placated. The promise of a hummer will do that to anyone.

He put the key into the lock, and while I didn’t think it would explode the moment it opened, I wasn’t going to take the chance. I readied myself to freeze time if I had to (something I didn’t even know if I could do, but it sounded good, so whatever).

The tumblers clicked loudly as he turned the key.

We all held our breaths.

The door did not explode.

He pulled the key out.

We sighed.

“Okay,” he said, shaking his head. “I think we’re good.”

And then he reached for the handle and opened the door to Castle Lockes.