Chapter Six
I can’t tell you for sure if I was in love or lust in the weeks following my movie date with Noah. All I knew for sure was that I wanted another kiss, and preferably a little less gentle this time. I got the impression that he thought I was kind of fragile, that I needed careful handling. That was probably truer than I wanted to admit. I also had this urgent need to be seen as a viable relationship candidate. As far as I was concerned, if we were going to be together, we were going to be together. No polyamory, or friends with benefits, or casual encounters whenever. And if I wanted that to work, I needed to make sure he felt the same way.
Don’t ever let anyone tell you the pursuit of monogamy isn’t hard as hell. Forget other people. When you’re a music nerd battling depression like me, you are your own worst enemy when it comes to the romance department. I spent hours lying awake at night, my morning shift at the music store a million miles from my mind, worrying that things would not work out. But at the same time, I harbored a fierce, sincere hope.
I think that hope carried me through a lot of those sleepless nights. That hope, and the memory of his goodnight kiss.
I don’t mean to make it sound like we were ships passing in the night, or that I was just sitting in my room pining for him. We texted, and neither of us wanted to go too long without seeing the other. But I knew the semester was nearing its end, which generally meant finals even for fine arts majors. I did the best I could to prepare myself for the inevitable disappointment of hearing that Noah was busy. He surprised me, as was apparently his wont.
We met up for lunch a week after the movie. He showed up with a bag slung over one shoulder, its canvas body visibly bulging. “Wow,” I said, pointing at it. “Busy day?”
He let it fall under the table with an audible thud, then leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “Can you tell?” he asked laughingly. “Who needs the gym when I’m carrying that thing around?” The grin on his face turned a little cheeky. “Don’t worry. I still go.”
I pretended I hadn’t noticed the sculpted contours of his arms and shoulders, the way his chest filled out his shirts. As if visions of him hadn’t been dancing in my head like some kind of sexy sugarplum fairy. I wondered if I should mention our first date, or if that would make things weird. It was a first date, right?
The thought chased itself around my head for forty minutes, begging to be vocalized somehow. I immediately engaged Noah in conversation regarding his academics, since I knew it would dominate whatever we talked about. He was tired, neck deep in work, living off caffeine and the student’s drive to survive. “Well…” I said, “you look great.”
His eyes sparkled. “Thanks, Colin. That’s nice of you to say.”
“Who am I kidding? You always look great.”
This time, he laughed. “Not always. You just haven’t seen me in the rough yet.” I debated responding with something saucy, but before I committed to it, he went on. “Hey, so I wanted to ask you something.”
My heartbeat sped up automatically. “Sure.” I felt like my hands were sweating even though I had zero reason to be nervous. It wasn’t like he was about to propose. We’d been talking for two weeks! But you know how it is when you really like someone and you hope they really like you, too. Every moment has the potential for great drama.
“I’ve got my junior recital coming up in May,” Noah told me. “Do you…I mean, would you want to come?” He looked at me, his gorgeous dark eyes expectant and slightly hopeful.
I blinked. “Yes.” Then, more confidently, “Yes, absolutely.” I blushed. “I’m honored that you asked me.”
“I’m honored you said yes,” he answered. We shared a few embarrassed giggles—yes, giggles—and then he reached over and took my hand. “Maybe it’s like, way too early to say this, but…” My heart raced again. “I think I’m really into you.”
I nodded. The whole thing seemed so new and young, I was afraid we were acting like a couple of love struck teens. Still, when you know, you know. And I can’t say it felt wrong when he pulled me close as we approached the main music building and kissed me again on the lips. His strong hand squeezed my waist. “Do you always say goodbye like that?” I asked, a little breathless. All the heat in my body appeared to concentrate in my face…and one other location.
Noah grinned. He stole another kiss. “I think I might start.” Our eyes stayed locked for another few moments while he turned his body toward the main doors. He waved. I waved. The doors opened and closed.
I walked home alone with the ghost of his hand on my waist, my lips buzzing. How was it possible that a boy I’d only tangentially known a year ago could come in and rock my world like that? The curtain of loneliness behind which I’d been hiding was slowly starting to peel away, and I was left with a jumble of emotions. Though the future remained murky at best, I finally had a reason to live for the present.
I decided to embrace it for all I was worth.