Chapter Fifteen
Nathan
I couldn’t breathe, my chest was so tight I had to gasp to get air in. I felt like I was drowning, like water was filling up my lungs and no matter how hard I kicked it kept on coming. I had never, ever felt that way before, and it was so overwhelming. I thought I was becoming more confident over the last few weeks in my new job position, but the light flashing, the questions being screamed in my direction, the knowledge that everyone would be pouring over the pictures in the morning, judging me, writing nasty things about me online just because of who I was with… it was too much.
Being the boyfriend of Rich Gold the man was one thing, but being the boyfriend of the infamous rock star was something else entirely. I wasn’t sure I was cut out for it. I’d thought about it, I tried my best to prepare myself, but now that I was here it was clear I hadn’t done a very good job. The reality was terrifying.
Every reassuring squeeze that Rich gave my hand only made me feel ten times worse. He was being so wonderful with me, doing everything that he could to make me feel special, but it wasn’t good enough.
I was a mess.
“So this is Nick and Michael,” Rich indicated toward the other members of Morton, the guys I’d watched from afar before now. I knew them, but also I didn’t. It was a very strange sensation. “And guys, this is Nathan.”
“H… hi, it’s nice to meet you all.”
As I shook their hands, I became acutely aware that my hand was slick with nervous sweat. To be fair to the guys they didn’t even blanche, but it made me shrink back in on myself.
“I’ll just pop to the bar, get us some drinks.”
I watched my comfort blanket wander off in the direction of the bar, a confident swagger in his step. When we were alone it was easy to forget that the world adored him, that they owned a piece of him.
One by one the other boys got dragged away as well, distracted by people they knew, members of the press or the music industry that they needed to schmooze, leaving me alone with the terrifying woman that had first approached me in the bathroom on that fateful night.
Only this time she didn’t look quite as strict and put together. Her eyes had bags hanging below them, her bottom lip fell out in almost a pout, her shoulders were hunched forwards.
“Are you okay?” Having someone who looked worse off than me gave me something else to focus on. I liked that. I needed that.
She turned to look at me with glazed, tired eyes and sighed deeply. “I thought the boys would be easier to manage once they got past their screwing around days. I thought that constantly having to calm down hysterical fans who thought they’d landed the love of their lives was exhausting, but somehow I’m more tired than ever.”
“Why?” I practically whispered, unsure if I was going to like the reply.
“Well, things are a bit better now that they’re all made up, but I feel like I’m constantly on edge waiting for the next big blowout. It’s hard, you know, being their manager.”
“Honestly, I think things will be better now.” I gave her a wise smile. “Rich seems to be in a good place, don’t you think?”
The look she gave me was filled with sympathy, which made me feel horrible about myself. If she was Jenny, the band’s manager that I’d heard a bit about, then she’d been with the band for years, it was unfortunate that she knew them much better than I did. I trusted Rich when he told me that things were different, but what if I were wrong? I didn’t think I was, but there was always that chance, however slim…
Oh God, with the panic already heating up my chest this was almost too much to handle. The water had now filled my lungs completely, and I needed to escape.
“I think I’m going to go and get some fresh air,” I panted, scraping my chair backwards.
“Don’t be long. I think the boys’ award is up first.”
I pushed my way through the crowds of well dressed, rich, famous people, oozing with charisma. The lights twinkled brightly above my head like stars, the plush navy blue carpet helped me walk with a bounce in my step, the endless bottles of expensive champagne kept grabbing my attention… all reminding me that this wasn’t my world. It was all too good for me.
I was normal and this wasn’t.
I needed to get away. I didn’t want my entire life thrust into the limelight to be picked apart by people I didn’t know. I didn’t want people from my past crawling out of the woodwork, selling half true stories about me to claim their own fifteen minutes of fame, all for it to come to nothing. This was a massive risk, a huge scary abyss of fear that I was about to dive into headfirst with absolutely no safety net.
I thought it was worth it, I assumed Rich and I could weather anything, but I was back to doubting everything about myself at the very first hurdle.
Maybe I wasn’t cut out for any of it.
Once the ice-cold air slapped me in my face, I slumped back against the nearest wall and gasped painful breaths. I just needed to calm down the boiling panic, slow my racing heart, and find a way to stop shaking with fear. I couldn’t even begin to think straight until I did.
“Boring in there, isn’t it?” a man with thinning hair, a scruffy checked shirt, and a cigarette hanging out his mouth called out to me. “Don’t worry, it gets better later when they all start getting wasted.” He shook his camera at me. “That’s when I start getting the good pics.”
I nodded because I couldn’t speak. I had no idea what to say to that one. This was all so bizarre.
“” He clicked his fingers while he thought. “Morton, that’s the one. Yeah, I remember you from the red carpet. You looked like a damn deer caught in headlights.” He laughed the gruff throaty sound of a heavy smoker. “Those pics will be classic tomorrow. Hey, can I get another one of you now? Maybe ask you some questions?”
“N… no.” I covered my face with my hands but he flashed away anyway, regardless of what I wanted. Was this fame? People invading your life however much you pushed them away? It felt awful! I felt sickly and violated, like I’d do absolutely anything to make it end.
“Oh, come on, don’t be a bore. Maybe if I get some better shots of you the world won’t focus on the shit ones you took outside where you look like Rich’s charity case. Yeah, this will be awesome! I can get to know the real you. Maybe we could even do a little interview. That would be first class. My editor will be kissing my ass tomorrow morning.”
“Leave me… leave me alone.” I needed Rich, I needed the other boys, I needed Michelle… anyone to help me get out of this. But of course, there wasn’t anyone, only me.
“How long have you been with Rich?”
“I don’t…” I stepped backwards but he kept on coming.
“Do you care about his sordid past? What about the sex party? How does that make you feel? Do you get involved with his sex games?”
“Please, stop.”
“What do you think about the time he hooked up with Liam?”
"That’s not true…”
The terror was growing. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could take it. I was getting dangerously close to being left with only two options: run back in there, or run the hell away. I could get back inside to my comfort blanket, to the man I adored even if he was from another world entirely. Or I could go back home to where I could actually be me. Where I didn’t have to be afraid anymore.
I couldn’t stay here, being stuck with this vile man wasn’t doing anything to calm me down at all. If anything, it was making me a million times worse. He was awful, like a shark with the scent of blood up his nose, willing to stop at nothing to get what he wanted from me.
“Show me your face, come on. This is bullshit. I need more from you. Why won’t you answer any of the questions I’m asking you? I’m offering you the chance of a lifetime here, the chance to give your side of the story before the whole world decides who you are.”
“No, you… you aren’t.”
Sickness was swirling. If I wasn’t careful the picture I’d have to worry about would be the one of me spewing all over the place. That would be so much worse than one of me looking freaked out. I had to clap my hand over my mouth and pin my lips together to stop anything from spilling past them.
Keep it in, don’t freak out, hold it together.
“Just… just fuck off!” I finally spat out, taking some of Rich’s attitude as my own. "I’m none of your business, leave me alone. In fact, it might be better if you do everyone a favor and you damn well leave!”
Okay, so it wasn’t so much holding it together, but it did manage to achieve something. The guy’s eyes widened in shock, he stepped back automatically and paused… but then his lips twisted up into a smirk, his mouth curved and evil slid behind his gaze.
Maybe I had accidently just given him exactly what he wanted.
I glanced from side to side, my body frozen to the spot while my mind whirred. Whichever way I decided to go would change the course of everything. If I bottled it, I risked losing Rich forever, but if I remained I could end up with this as my life forever. Which choice was the right one for me?
Back to Rich?
Back to me?
Then, as a snap decision, I picked the way I wanted to run and I took off at the speed of light without glancing back even once.