Chapter Sixteen
Rich
“…and the winner of the Best Album goes to…”
My butt perched on the edge of my seat, my knuckles curled around the table edge. The anticipation was too much for me, I couldn’t even stand it. I’d barely made it back from the bar on time to hear this, and now I was waiting… waiting…
The rest of the room had completely vanished, all I could see was the teen heartthrob actor up on stage, staring down at the card in his hand, a knowing smile playing on his lips…
Just say it! I wanted to scream. Put me out of my misery already. I need to know! Now, now, now!
This award was so important, more than any I’d ever received before because the man I adored was here to hopefully see me get it. There was some tough competition, and it was no guarantee that Morton would win, especially with the controversy that had circled us recently.
But still I hoped. I desperately prayed.
“Morton with Dire Straits.”
I bolted up from my seat, a booming roar bursting free from my chest. We’d done it. Despite my string of fuck ups, we still had it. This was the best news ever. I didn’t even bother to wait around for the cursory hugs with the rest of the band. I jogged up on stage ready to grasp that golden—fake, probably—award between my fingers.
I had the rest of my damn life to hug those idiots. This was my moment.
“Thank you so much.” My cheeks felt flushed, a beaming grin stuck on my mouth. I leaned into the mic as the other boys wafted in behind me. “Thank you everyone. This is amazing. We didn’t expect to win this one, what with the other amazing talent out there…”
My eyes scanned the room as I spoke the well-rehearsed words, desperately trying to find the one person I wanted to speak them to. He was here, wasn’t he? I hadn’t looked around the table as I sat waiting for the announcement because excited nerves had gotten the better of me, and it was challenging to see now because the glaring lights were beaming right into my eyes, but I was sure there was only one shrouded figure at our table. A distinctly female one. Jenny, our poor put-upon band manager.
“First off, we would like to thank the fans…” Nope, he wasn’t at the bar. “Without you there wouldn’t be any Morton.” Not by the toilets either. “And of course our wonderful manager, Jenny. Without her and the team we wouldn’t be able to organize ourselves to even get out of bed in the morning.” Everyone laughed, except me. I still couldn’t see him. “And,” my voice faltered. I’d been so excited about this bit but now I wasn’t even sure that I wanted to say it. Yes, I knew that Nathan was scared, but frightened enough to totally abandon me? “I would like to thank the new man in my life, the one who inspired me to keep on going even when things got tough.” Without being able to look into his eyes as I spoke those words, they lost so much of their meaning. “So, thank you, Nathan.”
Liam seemed to sense the crack in my voice, even if it was only a tiny one, so he snatched the microphone from me and proceeded to reel off the list of names I’d managed to forget. There was always someone, more than one person actually. All the time while he spoke I hunted, I looked for Nathan, but it was becoming increasingly obvious that he was gone.
I had just made a massive dick of myself, basically declaring the love I felt inside to the world, vocalizing it without actually saying the dreaded three words that I’d been trying to put off saying, just to discover that he was no longer here.
What did this mean for us now? I knew that Nathan would never make me chose between him and the band, but even if he never came to this sort of event again he wouldn’t be able to shy away from the limelight. Even the most hidden of partners were always discovered eventually. Amy never showed her face at anything, but the world seemed to know a whole lot about her.
In fact, she had almost felt compelled to break up with Liam at one point when an ex ran a “kiss and tell” on her in a trashy magazine. They’d only just managed to pull through that mess. That happened later in their relationship, which meant they were so much stronger.
This… things were so brand new. I didn’t know if we could take it or not. If something this little pushed him away, what would more do?
Did this mean it was the end? Just as I’d become settled in the idea that it was forever more? Could we ever come back from this?
Michael’s hand settled comfortingly on my back, but I couldn’t draw any warmth from it. It did nothing to settle the sad hollowness that threatened to encase me entirely.
Eventually we were ushered backstage, away from the crowds, and the veneer around me cracked. “Fuck,” I muttered noisily, kicking the ground beneath me in sheer temper. “Aw shit.”
Eyes flickered around to look at me, I felt stares coming from every angle which meant I had to hold it together. Maybe these people were all celebrities like me, but there was always the potential that a journalist or two had snuck backstage, looking for a scoop, waiting for something like this to happen.
“He’s probably out there waiting for you,” Liam did his best to reassure me as quietly as possible to prevent us being overheard. “And even if not, a freak out about an event doesn’t have to spell the end.” He could read me like a damn book, even now, even after all the changes I’d been through. “Please, don’t worry.”
“Hmm, yeah sure.” I glanced to one side, noticing a massive, unopened bottle of whiskey on one of the tables, calling out to me. It would’ve been so easy to snatch it up, to lose myself in it’s comforting warmth, to forget being unceremoniously dumped, but this time I didn’t want to. I needed to face this head on, with a sober mind, like an adult for the first time in my life. “Actually, do you mind if I get going?” I asked my friend desperately. “We aren’t nominated for anymore are we? Do you need me?” The sooner I fixed this the better. I didn’t want to give myself the necessary time I needed to freak out.
“You go,” Liam nodded seriously, indicating toward the door which would take me back out into the bar area. “Get this sorted. I’ve never seen you so happy as when you’re with Nathan. Go and make this right.”
“Thanks, buddy, I love you. All you guys.”
“And we love you too, so do this for all of us.”
Michael and Nick kept out of the way, but I could feel their love coming through Liam’s words. My mess was all our mess. I needed to sort this for all of us. I couldn’t be so selfish as to let my problems affect other people anymore. I wasn’t that guy, he was long gone along with my childhood.
I was a man now.
With that revelation, I raced from the room, determination surging through me. Liam was right. I could somehow make this work. It wouldn’t be easy, but then the best things in life never were. Nathan was worth it, and that was all there was to it.
“Excuse me, ‘Scuze,” I bulldozed past people as I made my way outside, walking as quickly as I could without causing everyone to stare at me. I didn’t need cameras flashing and questions being flung at me for this. This moment was just about me and Nathan.