Chapter Six
Rich
“Oh my God, what is wrong with you?” The words splayed from Liam’s lips like accusatory bullets. “Rich, why aren’t you listening to anything that’s going on here?”
The scrap of paper with Nathan’s number written across it rolled between my fingers, taking my mind off what was going on in front of me, but I no longer felt like I could admit that to my ex best friend because the distance between us was like a canyon. “Probably because this is boring as fuck,” I snapped, standing up. “Why are we discussing a set that we’ve done a million times?”
“It’s called listening to the fans.” He rolled his eyes at me, acting like I was the one who infuriated him, rather than the other way around. “They want more of the old stuff, and I think we should give it to them.”
"Oh bullshit, you spend too much time on social media,” I sneered without a single care. “You can’t please everyone, so what’s the point in trying to please anyone?”
“Because that is what people do these days, and you’d know more about that if you ever got involved.” Michael and Nick seemed to blend into the wallpaper as Liam spoke on their behalf. “Your ego gets the better of you a lot of the time. This isn’t just the ‘Rich Show’.”
A booming, mirthless laugh burst out of my chest. “Don’t be naïve, Liam. It isn’t exactly like they come to see you now, is it?”
He shook his head in utter disbelief. “You really are an asshole, you know that?”
“Yeah, well you’re a boring pain in the ass ever since you met Amy. That girl has brought out the worst in you. Before she came along you were decent fun. Now… well, now I can’t even stand to look at you.”
Liam’s chest clashed into mine, which caused my fingers to curl around into a fist. If this was a fight he wanted, then that was what he’d get. In fact, a damn good punch might just clear the freaking air here and make things better…
“Uhm, boys?” We were stopped at the last minute by Jenny’s meek voice calling to us. “You need to be on stage… like five minutes ago.”
That wasn’t enough to make me pull back, the crowd could wait a few more moments as far as I was concerned, but Liam wussed out. His body falling back from mine was my cue to give up on resolving this with violence. We’d have to find another way at some point, for now we had a show to do.
Fuck it, this was pointless as shit, it was time to get out there…
“Are you ready?”
The crowd screamed, but this time the effect on me wasn’t quite as substantial. It didn’t pump me up like usual, my emotions were oddly flat.
“Let’s get going then!”
Animosity burned behind me as the rest of the band raced up onto the stage, but there was no time to address our petty little argument now. It didn’t even matter that it’d only just happened. We had a show to put on. Tonight, we’d just have to be actors as well as musicians. It wasn’t the first time, and I was sure it wouldn’t be the last. Any group of lads that spent such an intensive amount of time together would fight, it was just the way it was.
My foot tapped to the beat of one of our more popular songs, Hate is a Four Letter Word. It was a bit of a cliché in title as well as lyrics, but it was one of the first songs that we’d written and it gave us the big break we so desperately needed. It was the one old song we could never remove from our set.
Even if it pissed me off to sing something so trite now that we all knew better, it would always be a crowd pleaser. We were stuck with it from now until Morton was done, and despite everything going on between us, none of us were wanting for that to happen anytime soon.
The lyrics burst free from my chest, filled with the thick emotion they needed. I was so good at replicating feelings these days that I couldn’t help but wonder if I needed to bother experiencing them for real at all. After all, they didn’t exactly get me anywhere. As I sang, I couldn’t stop my gaze from going to the one place I promised myself I wouldn’t look. Just because Nathan had left me his number, it didn’t mean anything. He was just being a user, trying to get another night of fun out of the whole thing.
So why did I care so much? Why did I want him down there looking back at me? Why did I want him to spend more time with me too? That wasn’t like me at all, and I couldn’t explain it even to myself. I just couldn’t get his face out of my mind, however hard I tried.
But there weren’t any baby blues looking back at me this time as I glanced down near the front of the stage. Of course there weren’t. Even if by some miracle Nathan had come to see Morton play again, he wouldn’t be standing in the same place. That was just crazy. No, I needed to look everywhere else instead.
Not that I was looking for him. Shit, what the hell was wrong with me? I just needed to focus on the singing, on the show. I wasn’t even going to bother looking for anyone else tonight. I was just going to get through this, then move on to somewhere else.
Fuck it, I was going to have to get wasted tonight even if I didn’t usually like to get out of control, just to wash these feelings away. They sucked, and I didn’t know what else to do with them. Drinking them down was the obvious choice.
I turned my back on the crowd, just for a moment, and in that second my eyes connected with Michael’s. I needed just a little moment of sympathy from him, a tiny bit of understanding about my current, weird predicament even if I hadn’t exactly vocalized it aloud, but of course I didn’t get any of that. Michael wasn’t a mind reader, he couldn’t understand my inner turmoil. All he knew was that I’d acted like an asshole before the gig, so the only look he could give me was one of utter distain.
If looks could kill, I would be dead.
***
Fucking bullshit… life was fucking bullshit. Okay, so maybe I was a bit pissed, and the booze had worked against me, highlighting my problems rather than dulling them, but still… why did I ever think this life was a good one?
I was stuck, moving from place to place constantly, barely getting a day off, not getting to know a single person except the idiot fuckwits I was in a band with. Just because they were my best friends at one point in my life, didn’t mean they were now. We’d grown apart in so many ways, and we were stuck together because of our jobs.
“Mate, I think you might have had enough now.”
Liam used his dreadful ‘sensitive and caring’ tone of voice, which only served to wind me up further. How dare he try and control me? What goddamn right did he have, especially after what happened earlier? Where did he get off acting like he was so much better than I? I clutched onto the bottle of whiskey, or whatever it was, so tightly that my knuckles turned bright white. I needed that disgusting bottle of liquid, I wouldn’t let him steal it from me.
“Give it a rest,” I murmured quietly, curling in on myself.
“Well, we’re all going back to the hotel now. I think you should come with us.”
“Fuck off.” I knew that I was just being petty for the sake of it, but I couldn’t seem to stop. There was a bitter snake twisting through me, coiling its way through my intestines, acting out on my behalf.
“Rich, this is ridiculous. Come on.”
“Yeah, let’s just forget about the argument. It doesn’t even matter now.”
I couldn’t even look at Michael as he spoke, and not just because there were about three of him glaring back at me over there, but because of that look he gave me out on stage. Okay, so maybe I wasn’t usually one for needing any kind of emotional support, but I did right then, and I didn’t get it. Michael wasn’t psychic. It wasn’t his fault, but still I blamed him.
“Just leave me here.”
“Stop being pathetic.” Oh, wonderful, now Nick wanted to shove his opinion down my throat. “Let’s just get some sleep. We’ve got a long ass bus journey tomorrow. Let’s not make this any harder than it already is.”
I stood up… well, it was more of a stagger into an upright position, but as soon as I managed it I could almost hear a collective sigh of relief from the other boys. How was it that they’d become a single living organism and I was on the outside? I fucking ruled this band. I started it, I was the lead singer, it was mine. How fucking dare they push me out?
“I’m going to a bar.”
I shoved Liam out the way and forced myself out of the room. Going to a local bar in a city where we’d just performed was a massive mistake. It was the best way to ensure I got myself mobbed. That would be even worse in the black mood I was in. I’d probably end up doing something that screwed things up for the band, but I just couldn’t make myself care.
“Rich… Rich…”
Voices swirled around behind me, but none of them deterred me. I had a goal in mind, a bar that I needed to get to, and none of those fuckers were going to stop me.
“What can I get you?” The miserable looking bartender barely even looked at me as he spoke. I knew this bar was a good idea, this sort of dingy place always offered the anonymity I desired. That was exactly what drew me in from outside. The cracked sign with three letters missing, the terrible paint job, the fact that I could see just one old guy slumped over the bar through the dirty windows.
“Vodka,” I growled back, before falling onto the nearest bar stool.
Now that I was alone, I could be more honest with myself, and I felt like utter shit. I was being an asshole to everyone I cared about, acting like a stuck-up prick to my band mates, and all because I was confused.
Spending the night with Nathan, feeling a powerful chemistry with him that I hadn’t ever had before, then thinking about him all damn day long had accidently unleashed something inside of me. A dissatisfaction that I hadn’t even realized was there. This life… it wasn’t enough for me anymore. It was all so superficial. I needed something deeper. Something like what Liam had.
Maybe that was why I felt the need to be such a dick to him. Because I was jealous of what he had with his girlfriend, Amy. It had been a shock to him as much as me, a powerful love that had come out of nowhere, but he’d grabbed onto it with both hands, he’d embraced it, and now he was the happiest man alive. He had the best of both worlds. He could make money making music, the thing that he loved, and he also had something wholesome and wonderful waiting for him at home at the end of it.
I hated that I wanted that for myself.
I tugged the screwed-up bit of paper from my pocket and examined it once more, running my fingers over Nathan’s loopy handwriting. Was I ready to try something new? To delve into the unknown, try and see what it might be like to have someone for real. The long string of nameless men in my bed had been fun at one point, but now I was growing up. I didn’t want to get older, but it was happening all the same.
Maybe getting to know Nathan just that little bit better would help me to determine whether he was the one I could have those new experiences with.
I grabbed my cell phone, wanting to call him, but I couldn’t. Could I? It would be a risk, I’d be pushing everything that I was to one side… but maybe it was time. I’d given everything of myself to that band, just to get treated like that by the others. Maybe it was time for me to think of myself for once.
My fingers lightly brushed the keys on my phone, and I typed in the number still undecided. The idea of seeing Nathan again tugged at my heart. I wanted that, I yearned for it, but still…
Bravery wasn’t something I usually struggled with, but today I didn’t really feel like myself. It was like someone had snatched away my tough outer shell, and all I was left with was the vulnerable bits of myself that I never liked to expose to the world.
Call him.
Don’t call him.
Who the fuck cares?
I sighed deeply, and hit dial, before hanging up once more, courage completely deserting me.
“Hey, are you… oh my God, are you Rich Gold?”
Shit, it was happening. I’d been recognized. If I couldn’t get away with being me in here then I didn’t stand a chance in hell of getting some attention-free booze anywhere else.
“Can me and my friends get a picture with you?”
It seemed that my phone call was going to have to wait…
“Sure.” I forced a bright, fake as shit smile on my face and posed as best I could for the camera. “Whatever you kids want.”
“So, what’s it like being in a band?”
Hands worked their way around my back, across my chest, making it difficult not to flinch. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t in the mood, being in the public eye meant I didn’t always belong to me. As the flash beamed out, I hoped that I didn’t look as wasted as I was. Bad reputation or not, it was never good to have that half-eyes closed look.
“Is Liam really taken?”
“Where are the rest of the band?”
“Yeah, aren’t you guys, like, best friends?”
I sighed deeply and started talking, answering questions to people who already thought they knew everything about me…