Chapter Four
Liam’s good mood continued for the rest of the week. He spent his mornings joking with Jason over the counter of A Shot in the Dark while he sipped delicious coffee and occasionally nibbled on cake that Jason refused to let him pay for. Speaking to Jason made warmth bloom in his chest, and he always left the coffee shop with his cheeks aching from smiling.
Throughout the day, Liam and Jason texted each other whatever was on their minds. Liam complained about his shareholders. Jason shared anecdotes about his customers, and they both reminisced extensively about the past. Charlotte seemed very perplexed by the sudden change in Liam’s mood, and almost annoyed by it. She kept commenting on it, with a slightly irritated tone. But Liam’s happiness remained untouched.
That is, until he began to entertain the prospect of him and Jason as a couple. The thought made him feel hopeless, and deeply sad. He knew it was almost impossible. Jason was a total catch, handsome and loving and talented, while Liam was a grumpy workaholic who had never even been with a man before. Why would Jason have him, when Jason could have anyone?
But as long as he stayed away from that thought, it continued to be the best week of his life. Perhaps the highlight was when Liam complimented the soft, beautiful guitar music that was constantly flowing from the speakers in A Shot in the Dark. Jason had blushed and ducked his head.
“I’m glad you like it,” he had said, with a nervous little laugh. “It’s, um, me playing actually.”
“Really?” Liam had asked. “I didn't know you played guitar.”
“I learned,” Jason replied, with his crooked little smile that made Liam’s heart skip a beat.
“So who is this song by?” Liam asked, indicating the closest speaker with the hand not holding coffee. “It's new, isn't it? I haven't heard it in here before.”
Jason blushed again, possibly even more than before. “You're right that it’s new,” he had murmured. “I only composed it this week.” Jason looked up at Liam through his long eyelashes and said in a low voice, “It’s called ‘Liam’.”
Liam’s throat went bone dry, and he fled the coffee shop desperately hard under his winter overcoat. Jason’s piercing dark eyes and velvet voice always went straight to his cock but this was different. There was something sultry, something hot and inviting about the song Jason had composed with his name. The song was a seduction, sweet and slow as honey.
By the time he got home, Liam was desperately hard under his suit trousers. All he could think of was Jason looking up at him while that guitar music played in the background. He collapsed into the bed fully clothed and shoved his pants down to get his hand around his cock, panting with want.
“Oh fuck,” he murmured through gritted teeth. “Jason.”
With his eyes screwed shut, he thought of Jason and his dark eyes, his lips, his hands. Imagining the way the rough callouses of Jason's palm would feel against his sensitive skin, he came embarrassingly fast.
Even now, when he thought of that song, and Jason's eyes, he couldn't suppress a shiver. Throughout the following weeks, Liam became more and more convinced that Jason’s interest in him was something more than friendly. The way that Jason’s fingers brushed against his seemed charged with sexual energy somehow, and the way Jason’s eyes met his and his smile turned from crooked to wicked drove Liam wild.
But still, he couldn't bring himself to hope that Jason felt the same way about Liam as Liam felt about him. Liam could picture himself spending the rest of his life with Jason. In fact, he might have always pictured it. More than once, he almost blurted out something really stupid while he and Jason were flirting across the counter of the little coffee shop. Not just that Liam wanted him, but how much he wanted to wake up to see Jason in the soft morning light for the rest of his life. Or that he thought Jason would be an amazing dad.
No, Liam never let himself hope that Jason was in love with him as well. But if Jason wanted to sleep with him…well, he'd take what he could get. Even if sleeping with Jason might break his heart.
All in all, Liam's good mood lasted almost three weeks. Almost three weeks of suggestive brushes of Jason's fingers against his skin, of good night texts that sent him to sleep with a smile on his face, of whistling to himself when he came into the office. Charlotte seemed continuously perplexed at his change in behavior. At one point, she even cornered him in his office.
"Whoever it is," she said with a small frown, "I'm really glad they're making you so happy."
Liam suspected she had been trying to find out if it was in fact a new romance that had brought about this change in him. He hadn't had the heart to tell her that so far, things with Jason were pretty one-sided.
Alongside all the flirtatious moments, there had been a few odd ones that caused Liam to doubt Jason's feelings about him. In particular, the shadow that passed over Jason's face when Liam had tried to subtly find out if the other man was single.
"There's nobody." Jason had said, in a tone that suggested further questioning would be extremely unwelcome. Liam had scrambled to change the topic instead to the little old lady who kept ordering the strongest espresso on the menu. The subject change worked and Jason returned to his familiar warm manner, but that moment kept Liam awake at night.
Could there be somebody else, somebody Jason wanted but couldn't have? Or an ex he had never gotten over? What if Jason reconnected with him? Liam wasn't sure if he could handle it if Jason started dating somebody else. But at the same time, he wasn't sure he could handle breaking off his friendship with Jason either. What would he even do in that situation?
Liam rarely allowed himself to think about these questions, not wanting to sour the relationship he did have with Jason. As a result, it wasn't any of those reasons that ruined his good mood almost a month to the day after he ran into Jason.
The problem was, his mother called.
Liam’s mother insisted on ringing him “to catch up” every month or so, despite the fact that their relationship was constantly tumultuous. It always had been, even when Liam was young. One particular memory always stuck in his mind—being almost eleven and his mother refusing to allow him to take the training wheels off his bike. Liam still vividly recalled the burning embarrassment and humiliation that came from watching all the other kids speed off without him, his own bike slowed down by the wheels. He’d begged and reasoned with his mother for weeks, but she didn't back down. She never did. Eventually, he worked out how to take them off himself. Instead of being impressed, his mother screamed at him for almost a full hour and grounded him for a month.
That was always the way they were together. Her reaction was almost exactly the same when he started his own company at twenty-nine without her offer of investment. He knew she was only trying to protect him, but too often her protection was really a form of control. Both Liam and his mother were such strong, stubborn personalities that any attempt at control by her or criticism by him ended in a colossal argument.
When he saw her name come up as an incoming call on his phone, Liam tried to steel himself. He didn't want his high to end, especially by the hands of his mother. Perhaps, he wondered, she would be in an unusually good mood? After all, everything else in his life has improved since he reconnected with Jason. Why not this?
“Good afternoon, mother,” Liam answered his phone, after locking the door to his office.
“Darling!” his mother cried. “It's been so long!”
“Not very,” Liam replied, teeth already on edge. “You called last month, remember?”
“Oh, but that was forever ago,” she said. Liam could picture her dismissive hand-wave as if she was in front of him.
“I've learned so many interesting things to tell you since then. By the way, darling, are we still on for lunch next week?”
“Mmm hmm,” Liam acknowledged, rifling through some papers on his desk. He'd misplaced a newspaper article he’d wanted to show to Jason tomorrow morning.
“Perfect, perfect,” his mother continued airily. “So, did you hear that Jason Williams is back in town?”
Liam froze in his searching. He felt his blood pumping in his ears. His heart was thudding against his ribcage. She couldn't know, could she? There was no way she could know. Even Jason had no inkling of his true feelings—or at least Liam hoped he didn't.
“Yes,” Liam said, swallowing around the irrational lump in his throat. “I ran into him recently, actually.”
“Ooh, really?” his mother asked, suddenly intrigued. Liam very rarely shared genuine details of his life during these little chats. He wasn't quite sure why he was sharing them now.
“Mmm hmm,” Liam managed, anxiety swirling in his gut. “At his new coffee shop.”
“I heard he did something like that,” his mother mused. “A shame too. That boy had so much potential.”
Liam felt anger bloom in his chest. “He's happy,” he told his mother through gritted teeth. “Isn't that enough?”
“Of course,” his mother said, placatingly. “But couldn’t he have been happy with something more?”
Liam closed his eyes briefly, like he was in pain. Those words triggered the memory of old anxieties, of hours of tutoring after school and hellish extra-curricular activities he neither enjoyed nor cared about. His mother had never particularly approved of his friendship with Jason. In her opinion, Liam’s friendships should exist to fan the flames of his competitiveness and push him on to greater things. It was as if she saw other people as opportunities for rivalry or alliance, rather than as opportunities for genuine emotional connection.
Even when they were younger, Jason had been the most genuine emotional connection Liam had in his life. Jason kept him calm, grounded, and happy. When Jason was there, he didn't feel the daunting pressure to constantly achieve and to always be one step ahead. His mind stopped buzzing, and he was able to actually relax.
Without asking her, Liam intuitively knew his mother would never understand the value of such a relationship. Her relationship with his father had been difficult, and fractious, and full of doubt. She seemed to think that this was the only way to be close to someone.
“And I heard,” his mother was saying, “that he's gay now.”
Liam’s heart almost stopped in his chest. His tongue glued itself to the roof of his mouth. The sneer in his mother’s tone made him feel low and slimy. For the first time in weeks, he began to wonder if his feelings for Jason were natural. His mother had always been scathing of ‘the homosexuals,’ as she referred to them. She had made her hateful comments in the blithe reassurance that her son was straight and shared her views. She could never guess in a million years that the exact opposite might be true.
Or could she? Liam was gripped by the fear that this whole conversation was a roundabout way of telling him that she knew everything about his feelings and to stay away from Jason. But he was a grown man. Why did he care so much about her opinion?
“Is that right?” Liam managed, realizing his mother was expecting a response.
“Yes!” She loved sharing such scandalous gossip, Liam knew. “Joanne Garrick told me, you know, little Amy Garrick’s mother. Amy grew up pretty, you know, darling. And single!”
“Uh huh,” Liam said, trying to get her to stay off the topic of the pretty and single Amy Garrick. By now, he was very well-practiced at avoiding his mother’s attempts at matchmaking.
“Anyway,” his mother continued. “Jason Williams, a homosexual! I can't believe it! But then, I always knew nothing would come of that boy.”
Liam tried to push down the burning anger in his chest at his mother’s judgment. She had no idea what Jason had made of himself, how talented he was, and how incredibly kind and generous he was. It was exactly like her to think less of him for not being focused on money and status, and it was also exactly like her to look down on him for his sexuality.
This was the attitude that led Liam to ignore his own sexuality for so long. If his mother had not been so dismissive and homophobic, would he have realized his feelings for Jason earlier? Would he be with Jason now? Would his dreams have literally come true?
The thought that he could have been happy with Jason for years by now made his voice stick in his throat.
“Liam, darling?” his mother was asking. “Are you still there?”
Liam had to swallow twice before he could answer.
“Yes,” he managed. “But I…I have to go now. Work.”
“All right,” she said, sounding vaguely disappointed. “I'll see you for lunch next Thursday?”
“Yes, yes,” he repeated, desperate to get her off the phone. “Goodbye.”
“Goodbye, darling,” his mother trilled, oblivious to her son’s distress.
Liam held the phone to his ear even after the hang up click. He felt numb and desperately sad. He’d wasted so many years trying to be what his mother wanted instead of trying to be happy.
There was only one person he wanted to see.
He dialed the phone.
Jason answered on the first ring. “Liam?” he asked, sounding concerned. They rarely called each other. If they wanted a casual chat, Liam just walked the short distance to the coffee shop. “Is something wrong?” Jason continued.
“Yes,” Liam said honestly, his voice sounding rough even to his own ears. “Can you come over?”
“I'll be there in five minutes,” Jason said decisively, and hung up.