TWENTY-THREE

 

When I awoke in the morning, everything looked the same. Thank god the Discman hadn’t sent me back to 1993 again. Not that it would’ve mattered. Nick hated me in both lifetimes now.

Snatching up my phone, I checked the date.

My heart sank.

Flinging the Discman across my bed, I cursed under my breath. Why hadn’t it worked this time? Was it like a one-time only thing? Like how a genie gives you three wishes. Maybe a Discman only gives you one roundtrip time travel.

Exhaling, I slumped back down on the bed. This was my last hope. My last-ditch effort to make things right with me and Nick.

I never would’ve done that to you.

His sad expression from yesterday flashed through my mind. I’d seen that face twice now, and it killed me.

Homecoming was tomorrow, and Nick was still so angry with me. I’d hurt him. I’d embarrassed him, and there was no way I could erase what I’d done.

Plus, I was sure he’d asked someone else by now. I’d heard rumors that he and Brooke were going together. That wouldn’t surprise me at all.

Groaning, I pulled the covers over my head.

A knock on my bedroom door startled me. “Remy? Can I come in?”

“Yeah.” I tugged the covers down to my neck.

“Feeling any better, honey?” Mom asked, walking toward my bed, her forehead a mess of concerned squiggly lines.

“Not really.” I ran a hand down my sweaty face.

Mom placed a cool hand on my forehead.

Nick did that once. It felt so nice. So sweet. God, I missed him. Moisture filled my eyes. I closed them.

“You’re a little warm. Why don’t you stay home and rest again today? I’ll call your school.”

Without opening my eyes, I nodded. Then I listened to her feet shuffling on the carpet and the soft click of the door as it closed. Dragging the comforter over my head, I pressed it against my face and cried.

 

***

 

Once again, social media was not my friend. Insta and Snapchat were filled with pictures from homecoming. An empty, hollow feeling spread through my chest like a disease. Mom and Aunt Kelly had tried to make me feel better, but it was no use. Unlike when Ian cheated on me, this time I welcomed the pain. This time I deserved it.

I sat in my room lingering over the pictures and allowing the tears to fall. It was therapeutic somehow. As if I needed this release.

With Ian, I was angry. With Nick, I was sad.

Reaching out, I fingered the nearby Discman wires, and I closed my eyes.

My pink nineties dress.

Poofy hair.

Nick in his tux.

Our fingers woven together.

Him holding me as we danced.

My eyelids flipped open, the hollow feeling spreading throughout my body until I felt numb everywhere. I lost Nick that night, and now I’d lost him again. But I guess that wasn’t really true, was it?

I’d never really had him. Not in this lifetime, anyway.

Did I cause this?

By going back in time, had I altered the present?

Maybe. Who knew?

Sighing, I looked down at my phone again. Nick hadn’t posted any pictures. Brooke hadn’t either. Were they together?

I heard Nick’s car leave about an hour ago. I couldn’t bring myself to look out my window, but I knew it was him. I’d recognize the distinct sound of his car engine anywhere. He was probably at the dance right now having a blast with whatever girl he brought. They were most likely pressed against each other on the dance floor…

I jumped when the phone rang in my hand.

Huh?

“Ava? I thought you were at homecoming,” I answered.

“I am,” she replied breathlessly. In the background I could hear girls chattering and the flushing of a toilet.

“Are you in the bathroom?”

“Yeah.”

“Eww.”

“It’s not like I’m going or anything,” she said. “I already finished.”

I cringed. “Please tell me you washed your hands before calling me.”

“Why do you care? It’s not like the germs can reach you through the phone.”

“You’re right.” I leaned back, my head resting on my bed frame, and sniffed. “Anyway, what’s up?”

“Nick’s here, and he asked me about you.”

The air left me like a deflated balloon. I felt dizzy. “What did he ask?”

“Just wanted to know how you were. He seemed concerned.”

“He didn’t seem that way when we talked a couple days ago,” I muttered under my breath.

“He was hurt, Rem.”

“I know.” I sulked. No need to keep reminding me.

“He also got into with Ian,” she said. “I seriously thought they might throw down.”

I sat straight up. “About what?”

“Oh, you know Ian. He was being a dick, saying that finally Nick had seen the real you and that you were a…well, I’m sure you can guess…”

“Yeah, I can.” I frowned.

“Anyway, Nick totally put him in his place. Told him not to ever talk about you like that again. Then he shoved him.”

My heart cracked in my chest. “He did?” He defended me? After what I’d done to him?

“He cares about you,” Ava said. “I can tell.”

My lips quivered. “I want to believe that. I really do, but I….”

“I know you’re scared of being hurt again, but I think Nick’s worth taking a chance on.”

I groaned. “This isn’t about Ian, Aves.”

“You’re right. It’s about you.” Her words caused a tremor in my lower belly. I took deep, steadying breaths in an effort to quell it. “I know you don’t think so, but you’re good enough for Nick. Hell, you’re too good for him.”

“Yeah, right.” I snorted.

“It’s true,” she said firmly. “You care too much what people think, and you let it change the way you see yourself. But you’re so awesome, Remy. I wish you could see that.”

Emotion welled up in my throat, the tremor in my belly getting stronger. “Ian isn’t the only guy who’s walked out on me, Aves.”

“I know,” she said so softly I barely made out the words. The tenderness in her voice broke me, and a tear rolled down my cheek. I wiped it with the back of my hand, but another quickly followed. “Your dad doesn’t leave because he wants to. He leaves because he has to.”

I released a ragged breath. “I know that,” I said softly.

“Do you?”

“Yeah,” I whispered, wiping the tears from my face.

“And the other guys you’ve dated are losers.”

I laughed, grateful she was done being so serious. “Totes,” I joked.

“But Nick isn’t a loser.”

I sniffed and ran a palm down my face. “It doesn’t matter now anyway. He’s at homecoming with someone else. I already jacked this up.”

“He didn’t bring anyone.”

“Then who’s he with?”

“Just his buddies.”

Huh. My skin prickled.

“I don’t know what to do, Aves. He’s so angry with me. Tell me how to fix it.”

“You embarrassed him in front of half the school. Whatever you do, it has to be big,” she said. “Oh, crap. Sam’s looking for me. I gotta go. You okay?”

 “Yeah,” I lied.

“All right. Call you later.”

“Have fun, Aves.”

“Oh, I will.”

“But not too much fun.”

“I’m hanging up now.” I caught a snippet of her evil laugh before she clicked off.

Something big.

What would that be?

A blimp?

One of those giant cards?

Ooh, a giant helium balloon?

Okay, I didn’t think she meant it literally had to be big. Think, Rem.

If only we’d had this conversation a couple of days ago, I could’ve asked him to homecoming in front of the school. That would’ve been big.

And he would’ve been able to see that I wasn’t afraid to put myself out there for him.

But it was too late.

You turned me down in front of everyone. I never would’ve done that to you.

OMG! I knew what I had to do. Glancing at my phone, I checked the time. Homecoming was over in an hour. Hopefully that would give me enough time.

I stood on shaky legs and found my reflection. Taking in my puffy tear-stained face and dirty, messy hair, I cringed. Tilting my head down, I caught a whiff of my arm pit. Oh, god. Then again, what did I expect? I’d been lying in bed for two days with no shower.

This would not be a quick fix.

Hurrying across the hall, I jumped in a quick shower. Then I dried and straightened my hair and put on some makeup. I’d never gone to a dance, so I didn’t have any homecoming dresses. But I had gone to a wedding last summer, and Mom had bought me the prettiest pale pink dress for it. I slipped it on along with the matching silver heels and headed downstairs.

After explaining the situation to Mom and Aunt Kelly, Mom let me use the car.

I was running out of time, so I drove swiftly to the school. When I got close to it, a few cars sped out of the lot, students from our school crammed inside. My throat burned.

The lot was only half-full when I entered. I didn’t see Nick’s car. Was I too late?

After parking, I tore out of the car. The air was crisp, and I shivered in my short, sleeveless dress. Inside it was warmer, and relief hit me when I heard the band still playing. The gymnasium was dimly lit with lights flashing from the ceiling. Spots filled my vision. Blinking, I walked slowly forward.

I searched the room for Nick, but couldn’t find him.

“Remy?” Ava raced up to me, eyes wide. “What are you doing here?”

“I need to find Nick,” I answered, heart hammering in my ears. It was so loud in here. So chaotic. And where was Nick?

Her face crumbled. “I think he left.”

My heart dipped. “He did?”

She nodded slowly, her gaze darting around. “I saw him and his buddies heading toward the door a minute ago.” She turned her head and then gasped. “Wait. There he is!”

 I followed where she pointed with her index finger. Nick and his friends were walking toward the middle doors of the gymnasium. They were about to leave. I was running out of time.

I had to move now.

“I’ll be back,” I said to Ava before hurrying across the room and running up on the stage. The band had finished up a song and was about to start another when I tapped the lead singer on the shoulder. “I need the mic,” I said breathlessly, pushing hair out of my face. “It’s an emergency.” With a concerned look on his face, he nodded and backed away from the mic.

The spotlight shone right in my eyes, blinding me. My heart hammered in my ears, and my palms moistened. The crowd of students all stared up at me, confusion all over their faces. Murmurs, giggling and whispers swept through the room like a breeze. What the hell was I doing?

Squinting, I saw Nick and his buddies walking through the double doors.

Oh, man, I didn’t have time to hesitate.

“Hey, everyone,” I spoke into the microphone so loudly it shocked me. And, judging by everyone’s faces, it shocked them too. Nick froze in the doorway. “I…um…well…there’s something I need to say…something I need to do. I…um…I did something really stupid. And I hurt someone I really care about.” He still hadn’t turned around. But he also hadn’t left. He stood like a statue in the doorway. Not quite inside, but not outside either. Desperation bloomed in my chest. I continued, “There’s this boy. He lives next door to me.” Ava moved closer to the stage, offering me an encouraging nod. I took a deep breath. Please turn around, Nick. “I’ve had a crush on him for years. Ever since the day he moved in, actually.” Finally, it happened. He turned. I exhaled.

“Boo!” A kid yelled from the back of the room. I couldn’t see who it was.

“Put the band back on! This is lame.” This time it was Brooke. I frowned.

“Everyone shut up!” Ava shouted in response.

Nick took a step back into the room. I held his gaze. “I’ve always fantasized about him asking me out, but when he finally did, I got scared.” My lips shook. “It’s just that I like him so much…and I guess…well, I was afraid of getting hurt. But now I’m more afraid of him being mad at me forever.” My whole body was trembling by this point. Sucking in some air, I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment. “Nick Sinclair, can I please have this dance?” There. I’d said it. Opening my eyes, I looked back at the place he’d been standing when I closed them.

But he was gone.

Panicked, my gaze shot around the room. He was nowhere to be seen.

Everyone was gaping at me. Even Ava looked helpless, her lips curled downward and her eyes narrowed. I felt sick.

But then her gaze slid over my shoulder, her eyes widening, her lips twitching at the corners. A hand landed on my back. When I turned, Nick rushed at me, his palms framing my face, his lips crashing into mine. As his mouth took mine greedily, his fingers tangled in my hair. Reaching out, I fisted his shirt in my hands. My head spun as his tongue coaxed my lips open. As our kiss deepened, I forgot about everyone else but him.

I traveled back in time to fall for the boy that had been right in front of me all along.

And now I was falling for him again.

He was nothing like I thought he’d be. Not when I crushed on him from a distance. He wasn’t just the quarterback; the fantasy of every girl in the school.

He was so much more.

Clapping and cheering resounded throughout the room. It stunned me, and I pulled back. I laughed at the sight of everyone rooting for us like they were watching a sporting event. Well, everyone except for Brooke and Ian. They were both scowling up at the stage. But I didn’t care about them.

Only one person mattered to me right now.

Turning to him, I stared into his perfect blue eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” I said again.

“Hey.” He tucked his thumb under my chin. “No more of that. You’ve said it enough.” He smiled. “Now how about that dance?”

Grinning, I allowed him to lead me off the stage. My legs were still shaking from all the adrenaline, so I held tightly to his hand to keep from falling over.  Once we reached the dance floor the band started playing a slow song. Nick released my hand and then looped his arms around my waist.

This made it all worth it.

I laid my head on his chest, sliding my hands up to his shoulders. He held me tightly, his heartbeat thumping steadily under my cheek.

“You look gorgeous,” Nick murmured into my hair.

Ava walked past and flashed me a thumbs-up. I smiled back and then pressed my face back into Nick’s chest, breathing in his familiar scent.

“This is exactly what I dreamed homecoming would be like,” I said.

“I’m glad you came,” he said. “I know how much going to homecoming means to you.”

I lifted my head, staring up at his sharp jawline. “It was never about homecoming, Nick. It was always about you.” His gaze met mine.

“Me, huh?” He smiled.

“Yep.” I grinned back.

His hand left my chin and curved around my cheek. His other hand slid around my waist. My heart took off like a runner at the starting line of a race. Tilting his head, his lips lined up with mine. My knees softened. I looped my arms around his neck, the tips of my fingers skimming the edges of his hair. His lips grazed mine softly, his minty breath hot as it skated over my mouth. When I wasn’t sure I could take anymore, his mouth pressed down over mine. He kissed me slowly. Gently. In time to the music. It was languid. Lingering. Sensual.

His hands were hot on my skin, my cheek, my waist. His tongue was soft and sweet as it slid over mine and swirled in my mouth.

I’d never been kissed like this.

To me kissing had always been like a race – manic, fast, hurried – as if we were sprinting to the finish. This was like a marathon. Like he was pacing himself. Like he wasn’t planning to reach the end for a long time.

And that was okay with me.

I was in no rush to finish this.

Boldly, I raked my fingers along the back of his neck. He shivered. Growled in my mouth. Goosebumps arose on my flesh. My head spun.

The music was the same. Still slow.

But he sped up. His mouth moved faster, his hands no longer locked in place. The one on my cheek moved to cradle my hand, his fingers tangling in my hair. The one on my waist traveled up my spine. A delicious jolt ran through me, my skin warming everywhere he touched.

When his lips separated from mine, I stared into his eyes. Those deep blue eyes I’d dreamt of a million times. Reaching up, I touched his face, the pads of my fingers tracing his flesh. My fingertips trailed his nose, his lips, his cheeks.

“What are you doing?” he asked in a playful way.

“Making sure this is real.”

“It’s real.” Lifting his arm, he picked up my hand and ran his lips across my knuckles.

A chill ran through me.

“I never want this night to end,” I said honestly.

“If I could stop time for you, I would,” he answered, and it was seriously the most romantic thing I’d ever heard. I was a puddle on the floor. “But since I can’t, I’ll give you the next best thing.”

“What’s that?”

“Me.”

I giggled.

“Okay, I probably should’ve worded that differently.” He laughed. “What I meant is that we can have lots of nights like this.” Glancing around, he furrowed his brows. “Well, maybe not exactly like this. But we can do things like this.” He kissed my lips again. Just one small peck, but it was enough to leave me wanting more. “And this.” He stroked my face with his thumb. “What I’m trying to ask is, do you want to be my girlfriend?”

It was such a funny question. Of course I wanted to be his girlfriend. I’d have to be an idiot not to, but I wasn’t expecting such a formal question, and it kind of threw me. When I didn’t answer right away, his smile slipped.

“I guess that came out kinda cheesy, huh?” he said in a tone so unlike his usual cocky one.

“No,” I said quickly. “It was super sweet. It just surprised me. I didn’t realize you liked me like that.”

His face grew serious. He snatched up both my hands. “Of course I like you, Rem. Why do you think I was so upset when you turned me down? It was never about my pride. I want to be with you. I have for a long time.”

If I thought his last statement floored me, this one knocked me over. “But you barely know me.”

“I do know you.” He tucked a finger under my chin, lifting my face slightly until we were staring in each other’s eyes. “I know your hands shake when you’re nervous. I know you blush when you’re uncomfortable.” As if on cue, my face heated up. I tried to look down, but he kept his finger locked in place. “I know you wore a bright purple shirt on the first day of high school.” Damn that purple shirt. I have no idea why I chose to stand out my first day of freshman year. There were seniors who called me “purple” until the day they graduated. “I know you like to sing every chance you get, and often it’s in your room with the windows open.” My blushing resumed. “I know you fight with your brother a lot and that you cry every time your dad leaves. You usually do it outside, and I’m assuming it’s so your family doesn’t see.” Nailed it. “I know you and Ava take turns giving each other rides to school and that you have sleepovers almost every weekend.” He smiled. “I know you’re gorgeous and funny and real, and incredibly talented. And I know that whenever you’re around my heart beats faster and I can’t keep from smiling.” He winked. “And I know you’re a hell of a kisser.” Leaning forward, he pressed his lips to mine.

Our mouths and bodies moved in sync to the music. It was a fluid dance of mouths, hands, arms and legs.

I thought I had fallen for Nick in 1993, but I was wrong.

I was falling for him now. In this moment.

 

***

 

Late that night, after I’d changed out of my dress and gotten in my pajamas, I stood at my window. Nick’s house was dark. He was probably asleep. It was past midnight, but I was too wired to rest.

Staring down at the street, I could see it all – nineties Nick working on his car, present Nick doing the same. I could see us outside cleaning up toilet paper from the lawn, and I could see us talking in 1993 about his past and his grandpa.

I could see all the years I’d stood at this exact window pining after the hot neighbor boy who I was sure would never notice me.

Since returning, I’d thought of Nick as two people – 90s Nick and present Nick. And I treated them like two totally different people. But they weren’t. They were the same.

He was the same.

I loved him now the same way I’d loved him then.

Nick and I had a history that he’d never know about. But we had plenty of stuff he had experienced. And we had so much more time to create even more memories.

Bending down, I picked up the Discman, gathering the cords in my palms. Then I carried it downstairs, through the family room and into the garage. After flicking on the light, I headed over to the shelves on the wall filled with boxes. Finding the one that read “Steph’s old crap” in Mom’s handwriting, I opened the lid and gently lowered the Discman inside. Then I closed the lid tightly, securing the Discman inside.

I no longer needed it.

I was exactly where I wanted to be.