CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

—Bella—

 

“I didn’t like seeing you… in his arms.” I didn’t speak. “I didn’t like seeing another man holding you.” His hands reached my neck and hip. I felt the indentation of his fingertips press into my flesh. “I didn’t like seeing another man bring joy to your face.” He kissed the nape of my neck.

“Honestly, Jax, why do you care?”

He turned me violently. “You’re my wife, Bella, you belong to me.” He loomed over me—all power. I wanted to give into the tingle that swept my flesh. I wanted to give into the insurmountable desire I had for Jax, but I had to know what he wanted from me, what he expected.

“What do you want from me? Why are you doing this? Why not just let me go, let me be happy to find a man that could love me?”

His lips twitched at the corners, and anger leered in his eyes. “Is that what you want? For me to let you go?”

What did I want? I wanted love. I’d wanted a man to touch me and whisper secrets into my ear. I’d wanted a family one day—a normal life— and with Jax I wouldn’t have that. “Yes.”

His lips crashed upon mine. He didn’t ask for permission, he simply took what he wanted. His hands slid across my flesh finding my breast identical in my gown. “I will never let you go, Bella. You belong to me.” My body pressed against the car. He was about to take me, and there was nothing more at that very moment that I wanted because I did want him. I wanted him to choose me, to love me. But I knew that sex was all that would happen. He’d take my body and then leave. And I’d be left alone again, but I couldn’t do it this time. So, I’d tell him how I felt and watch as he would surely leave me behind. He slipped my breast from the gown and drew in a deep breath as his tongue swept my erect nipple.

I wanted desperately to give into Jax, but I had to stop him. My hands found his shoulders pushing him away. His eyes quickly found mine. “I need love, Jax. I need a man that can love me, that can admit he has feelings for me, and you can’t do that. I deserve more.”

He leaned away willingly, surprising me as he did. “You want me to love you?” He seemed caught off guard.

“I—I want you to be open to it. I want you to treat me as an equal, Jax.”

He stood still holding my wrists tight enough he pinched my skin. “You want me to love you?” he growled.

“I want to be good enough for you to love,” I spit.

“You want me to love you because you don’t feel good enough?” He leaned forward pressing into my breasts. “Is it?”

“Of course, it is, why would I say it if it wasn’t true?”

“Why do you want me to love you? I’m no one, Bella, I can give you anything, but I can’t give you what you’re asking.”

“Because I’m not good enough, you probably have someone else out there you really want to be with. I’m sure that’s where you are when you disappear for days leaving me alone.”

His eyes darkened, narrowed, and focused on me in a way they never had before. “Bella, I leave because I can’t stay away from you. I want to touch you and kiss you. I can’t be in the same room with you without becoming exactly what I’d swore I’d never become again.” I couldn’t speak. A tear slipped down my cheek, and my body stilled. His eyes darkened. “I’m sorry, Bella.”

“If you chose not to love then why apologize?”

“Because it hurts you and I don’t want to hurt you, Bella.”

“Then tell me why you’re unable to give me love. I deserve to know, don’t I?”

Jax leaned against the Maserati. I could see the hesitation in his posture. His face watched me as his lips pressed together.

“Your wife, she’s the reason.” Realization took hold. He was married before. I hadn’t even asked how she died; how insensitive of me. I’d literally never asked a thing about her. “How did she die, Jax?” Asking Jax questions was a difficult task, but I was sure this would be the hardest question of them all.

“Car accident.” His hand tapped the car he leaned against surprising me with the velocity of his response.

“Wow, I’m so sorry.” My body stood two feet in front of him. I watched him still.

“Don’t be. I would’ve killed her if the accident hadn’t. Truly, I’m grateful.”

“Are you kidding?” I couldn’t believe the admittance he’d made.

His chin lifted pulling his eyes to mine. “No, she betrayed me, Bella.” Jax was sharing real issues with me, and I barely had to ask. I knew that I had to be there for him in that moment.

“What did she do that was so horrible you’d wish her dead?”

“I’ve said too much.” Jax had let his guard down with me for a moment. He trusted me for that second with that information. He’d turned away from me facing the sunset. My foot moved into his direction scraping against the ground. My hand reached for his shoulder landing with ease.

“I’m sorry that she betrayed you. I was just surprised. I thought maybe you were still in love with her, maybe that’s why you couldn’t love me.” My words were soft and understanding.

His head focused forward. “When I found you on that road, I saw an innocence I’d never seen before.” His head fell and then his body turned to face me reaching for my cheek. “You scare me, Bella. Everything that you are is what I want. I want to love you and if I could let myself risk it, it would be with you.”

“But?”

“But the familia comes first, Bella, it always will.”

“You’re lying to yourself. You have no feelings for me?”

“That’s exactly why I can’t love you. Because I do have feelings for you and if you betray me I’d want to kill you, too. And I can’t let myself go there, not with you.”

My hand, held down at my stomach, rose reaching for his chest. He watched me. “How did she betray you? What could she have done that was so horrible?” No response came. “There are only a few things that I can see being that horrible. Either she ratted you out or… she cheated.” My fingers traced to his full lips. “Why would she do either?”

“Wouldn’t you if given the chance? If I didn’t lock you up, wouldn’t you cheat on me?” She cheated on him. The hurt behind his strong façade, made Jax human. He was always alpha, making it easily forgotten he was also a man with feelings. His feelings were real, and I hadn’t considered that he was broken. “If I let you go you’d run, fall in love with a good man, and leave this marriage.” My head shook before he finished his sentence. “Don’t lie to me, Bella. I told you before, I can offer you everything except love, but that’s all you truly want. The material bullshit means nothing to you. I know that. You want to be cherished and adored.” I nodded. “Kissed…” his lips crashed onto mine for a long deep kiss, “touched…” his hand slipped under my dress finding my panties.

“When I’m with you I feel human, Bella.”

“Then why not accept that it’s okay to love?”

“Love. A questionable desire that leaves us wanting more of something that cannot be taken and damn it, if I know how to earn it. I don’t know how to love you now and one day kill you for the inevitable.”

“I’m not her, Jax, I’m not a woman that cheats on my husband.”

“She did, Bella, she slept with Salvatore Casconi… she fell in love with him.”

“Sam?” I gasped. “Did Papa know?”

He shook his head. “No, only you.” His hands covered mine. “I couldn’t admit it to anyone.”

“Did he know that you knew about it?”

He shook his head. “Not until the day I put a bullet in his head.”

“I’m so sorry. I had no clue. But… is this why you wanted to marry me? To seek revenge?”

“At first, once I knew he could have you too. I felt compelled to save you from him and his wasteland. Give you something more.”

I watched him, wanting his lips on mine. “I’m not her, Jax.” His head turned from mine. “Look at me.” My hand rose to his cheek. His jaw flexed under my touch. “I had no idea that I could… feel this way for… you, but I do. When you’re not at home I find myself wishing you were, and when you’re not holding me I wish you were. I didn’t expect that I’d feel that way, but it’s happened.”

Sharpness in the darkness of his eyes held me. “You’re not listening, Bella. If I give in to my feelings for you, that puts you at risk. I couldn’t bare for you to be the one that crosses that line with me.” Was he saying that he did love me? Was Jax just hiding his feelings because he couldn’t come to terms with them?

“I think you found an excuse not to feel. I think that you’re scared, Jax.”

“Scared of loving you? You think Jax Moretti the boss of this family is scared of you?” Anger struck between our bodies like electricity. “Why are you so convinced that we should love each other.”

“You said before that you didn’t know how to earn it, but you already have it. I love you, Jax. I think I have since the night you saved me.”

“Your wrong.” He shook his head. “I’m a monster. I’m not good, remember? I kill people. Why would you choose to love someone like me?”

“We don’t choose who we love, it just happens. I fought it, I tried to hate you, but…” I raised my head. “I couldn’t hate what I loved.” He wasn’t hearing me. “I don’t think you understand what I’m saying. I’ll never walk away, I’ll never let another man touch what you’ve taken from me because it’s no longer mine to give away, Jax.”

Both his large hands lifted to my face holding me tightly. “You’re willing to completely give yourself to me?”

“I already have.”

“Okay.”

“Okay, what?” I smiled

“Okay, marry me… for real.”

“Seriously? A wedding cake and flowers?”

“I said this before, Bella. I have feelings for you that even I’ll never understand, but if you want to risk everything for me I need to risk things, too.” He wanted to marry me for real? Was he talking about loving me? “Plan a wedding, whatever you want and it’s yours.”

“Seriously?” His hands held at my hips.

“Maybe I’ve been going about this the wrong way.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah—” he shrugged. “—maybe giving this a chance is doable.” His lips lightly brushed mine. “Let’s go home.”

We would have a wedding and make this real. Would this work or fall apart?

***

“Are you ready, Isabella?” Alessandra held my hands.

My eyes locked on hers. I didn’t know if I wanted this for real. He would claim me again, but would I be able to do the same? Would I be allowed to sleep in his bed and have a real marriage? After he’d suggested we marry for real I had hopes things would change, but doubt washed over me every single day. I shrugged into the beautiful white silk gown. “I don’t know, Alessandra. I’m so confused.” I hated to admit that, but I knew that I could trust her. She was the only person that felt like a mother to me, and I treasured her. “I would like to ask you something.”

“Of course.” She adjusted the strap of my dress.

“Would you consider giving me away?”

A tear flowed from her gray eye. “I’d be honored.”  And a smile lifted her cheeks.

“I imagine if my mother were here, she’d be like you.” I leaned forward hugging her. “Thank you for everything that you do for me. I truly cherish you.”

“As I cherish you, my dear child.” She squeezed me harder. “Ah, it’s time.”

We left the small room of the church and entered the corridor. Tony stood close by waiting for the right moment to open the chapel door.

The organ began playing the wedding march, and Tony was told to open the door. I stepped over the threshold and onto the white floor below my feet. Jax stood tall at the altar. The church was filled with strangers, most of them familia from out of town. They never missed a wedding.

Weddings were a big deal in the family. As I entered the church everyone stood for me. I gripped the rose bouquet in my hand for support and focused on Jax at the end of the aisle wondering if this was the right choice. Yes, we were already married; yes, we lived a somewhat normal married life, but would love ever be a factor in our marriage?

The march stopped as I approached the altar. Jax stepped down from the steps and took my hand in his and led me up the stairs. The priest stood ready to marry us, only this time, I felt confident there wouldn’t be another uninvited guest like there had even the last time. And even if there were, there were probably enough people carrying weapons in the church to take out a small town, and that gave me comfort.

The priest began the wedding and asked that everyone sit. I was shaking. I suppose I thought of the other wedding as a joke. I knew that if I did go through with this, I’d never be able to walk away. I drew in a deep breath asking myself if I wanted to run or stay, and until Jax spoke I wasn’t sure which I’d do.

“Isabella, we were brought together by chance on the most of unexpected nights, but you…” he cleared his throat, “…you took my life in a direction I never thought possible. Until I met you, I had no idea I could feel this way. I’ll honor and protect you for all the days of our lives. Anything you want or need, it’s yours.”

He’d said he loved me even if he hadn’t actually said the words. He was saying he loved me in his own way. And I knew right then and there I wasn’t going to run because I loved Jax, as well.

 

—Jax—

 

I paced the small room, waiting while my heart pounded against my chest. Sweat beaded up on my brow and I pulled at my collar needing to breathe. The small room and the idea that I’d be marrying Bella in twenty minutes choked the hell out of me. Not because I didn’t want to marry her, but because I did. I wanted things with Bella I’d never wanted with anyone else ever. And the idea of her betraying me at some point was too much. I couldn’t control myself if she betrayed me, but I didn’t see it as, if she would but as when she would. It was inevitable. She was too good for me and I knew that.

She agreed to marry me today, and I’d agreed to try to give myself to her. I could marry Bella all day long, that wasn’t the issue. It was allowing myself to be vulnerable with her. I’d not ever been vulnerable except with Rebecca, and she ended up in Casconi’s bed.

“You okay, boss?” Mickie’s hand landed onto my shoulder.

I turned with a narrowed glare. “Do I look like somethin's wrong?”

“No, boss, just checkin’.” He stepped away.

“Ask me that again and it’ll be the last fuckin’ thing you ask.”

“Time to go,” Chase burst in.

I sucked in a deep breath, wiped my brow one last time, and entered the cathedral. The familia gathered in their seats with laughter booming throughout the church. Weddings made everyone happy. I don’t know if it was legit or faked because after all, I was the boss, but I didn’t give a shit. As long as nothing ruined the day, I was good with whatever.

The Bratva had been quiet lately, but that only meant they were gearing up for something big. It was a matter of time before Orlov struck where it hurt most. My crew surrounded the church, waiting—in case today was the day. What better way to hurt us, we were all in one place. Orlov though, he was a tricky bastard. He liked to play games, get people paranoid and shit.

My eyes scanned the large area waiting for somethin’ to go down. Men stood at every exit surrounding the church. I knew they’d take care of anything that came up. Chase and Adam stood to my left and my parents’ sat in the front row.

“I’m really happy for you, Jax, Isabella’s  a keeper.” Chase was the nicest of my brothers, and the one I’d trust around Bella.

Adam smirked while he checked out his phone. He was the most selfish and dangerous. I didn’t trust him with Bella. I didn’t trust him with anything. But those thoughts and worry disappeared the moment the wedding march started to play and the cathedral doors opened.

A beautiful woman faced the crowd. Clad in a white silk gown that I ‘d had handmade and sent from Italy. I wanted everything to be perfect for her on this day. And the wedding gift that I had for her would top everything else. She would love it, I had no doubt about that. Her hair hung in beautiful chestnut brown waves around her shoulders. The dress had fit her hourglass curves perfectly. Her eyes focused on mine, and my vision narrowed on only her. Thoughts of everything I’d worried about since the day I’d met Isabella washed away. I drew in a deep breath blowing out every worry I’d had. I wanted to love her and—I did… love her. And she would be mine forever.

I smiled as my hand clasped around Bella’s. I’d been searching for the truth before her. There was a reason I’d found her. She saved me from myself that night. I’d planned on killing Casconi without permission from Anthony Sagatori, but a spark that ignited in the dark had called me to another place. I’m grateful that I hadn’t broken my vow because she was now here with me. Her bright eyes, small soft hands, beautiful heart that are my universe. She’s my beautiful.

When the priest signaled me to start with my vows, my mouth went dry. I’d wanted to say things to Bella for a while, but today all of that would come out.

“Isabella, we were brought together by chance on the most of unexpected nights, but you…” I cleared my throat, “…you took my life in a direction I never thought possible. Until I met you, I had no idea I could feel this way. I’ll honor and protect you for all the days of our lives. Anything you want or need, it’s yours.”

A tear fell from her beautiful eye as she listened and then began to speak. “You’re the first one I think of when my eyes open, you’re the reason I’m here and I can’t—” she smiled, “—I don’t want to live without you. I found myself loving you without knowing if you could ever feel the same about me. I chanced a love with you. A love with someone that dominated me in a way no one ever had. I thought I could walk away… until the moment I saw you standing here, waiting for me. I know now, without any doubt in my heart, that I’ll never leave you. You’re everything that I want. I give myself to you, Jax Moretti.”

“I don’t deserve you, Bella, but I’ll love you until the day I die.” I pulled her into my arms and kissed her fearlessly.

“You love me?” she whispered into my ear.

I pulled her to face me as our guests waited patiently. “I’ve loved you since the first moment I laid eyes on you, princess.”

“And now the prince has won his princess. If you love me, don’t let me go, Jax.” Tears fell to her chin.

“Never.” I’ll never let her go.

Once the formalities were completed, I entangled my hand with Bella’s and walked us off of the altar. The guests wished us well and the cathedral doors opened. The chaos the guests created made me nervous and desperate to get Bella into the safety of the car.

“Bye.” Bella waved to the people most important in her life. The moment was set in slow motion as her dark hair flew around her face and the shining sun brought out her radiance, as her dainty hand clutched into mine and the other held her bouquet. The women yelled, and Bella winked as she released her hand and tossed the flowers behind her.

I smiled because she was smiling, she was happy in that moment. Her pure heart shined brighter than the sun ever had. I knew in that moment I had everything to lose, and I couldn’t take any risks where she was concerned. I wouldn’t wait for Orlov to attack. I’d hunt him down and dispose of the situation.

I ushered her into the car as I scanned the area. I needed to make a call to end the war before it took from me what mattered most. Bella smiled as she slid across the seat of the limo and I followed stepping inside next to her. I couldn’t help but smile back at her.

I picked up the phone. “Mickie, I need you to get a crew together. I need our problem taken care of before it visits my house.”

“Consider it done.”

I disconnected the call. There are times you don’t wait for the tornadoes to hit. I’d been waiting foolishly for the tide to come in. I knew the storm would come, but now…watching her, smelling her floral scent, feeling her hand inside of mine, completely in love with her… I couldn’t wait for somethin’ to close in. I’d start the war with one breath and end it with the next. It would be a Take no prisoners bloodbath that would come without a moment to spare.

I turned my phone off, reached for Bella’s hand, and slid her onto my lap.

“Did you mean what you said?”

Her big brown eyes shined back at me. “I meant every word.”

I traced my hand along the edges of her full lips. “Are you ready to take one day at a time toward forever with me?”

A smile pulled onto her face.

“I am.” I pulled her into my body and kissed her, breathlessly, determined, honestly and irrevocably in love with her. Admitting it made the air easier to breathe. I wouldn’t have to hide from her any longer. I’d never hide again. She loves me, and I pray she never let’s go.

I wrapped her in my arms needing every piece of her in my possession. Our hands touched one another’s as we watched them fit together perfectly. I’d make love to my wife now. I’d claim every inch of her.

“You’re the only one for me,” I breathed against her skin. “And I’m the only one for you.” I traced my hand along her soft skin. I needed to be inside of her so badly.

“Yes.” Her head fell onto my chest.

I lifted her and swept her hair away, and ran my tongue along her neckline. Our hands grabbed at one another desperate, each wanting the other.

I slipped out of my jacket while Bella quickly unbuttoned my vest and shirt. Her dress wasn’t as easily removed so I opted for the easier of ways; I pulled the dress up grabbing for her flesh into my hands. Our kisses became urgent, needy, and unpredictable.

I unbuttoned my tux pants pulling to get them out of my way. The desire that filled my blood for her was relentless. I sprang out and Bella’s hands immediately dropped to my dick. She caressed it. For the first time, she seemed completely and utterly willing to take me and to give herself without regret.

She positioned herself over me, her arms wrapping around my neck as she slowly slid my dick inside of her. A gush of air left her lungs as she seated herself fully over me. I was completely inside of her and the feeling was impeccably perfect. Warmth wrapped inside of velvet. I could smell her desire, her fragrance a delicate floral scent. She rode me, at first, easy as my hands fisted through her hair. She began falling on me harder and harder. My balls tingled knowing I could explode inside of her any moment. I wrapped my arms around her, so that I could fill her with each thrust. Our breaths were ragged and harsh.

“Harder… Jax… Harder.”

I shoved inside of her until our breaths were silenced by the slapping of our flesh. She came the same time I did. I didn’t stop moving inside of her, I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to let it stop. I was losing control. That moment was the closest I’d ever been with another woman. She owned me, and I’d never be the same.

She lifted her head an inch from my face. “Holy shit.” She said before laughing uncontrollably.

“What’s so funny?”  She shook her head attempting to catch her breath. She snorted. “Breath, Bella.” She snorted again. “Damn, was it that bad?”

She shook her again grabbing for my chest. “No, no, no.”

“Then what’s the matter?”

She inhaled deeply, “God, Jax, that…” her head fell, “…Oh. My. God. That was mind blowing. I didn’t even know orgasms like that, were freaking possible.”

“I didn’t either.” I reached for her face so that I could taste her sweet lips.

“Can you imagine what everyone will say when they see us?” She giggled. “Ah, who cares what they say.” Her body fell against mine, exhausted. “You’re all I have now; you, Alessandra, Tony, Sal, and Emily. You’re all I have in this whole world.”

I hugged her close as I gazed out of the limo window.

“I miss him.” She whispered moments later.

I pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “I know you do.”

“Will it get easier?”

I didn’t know. “Yes.” I lied.

“I hope so, Jax, because the feeling of losing the only man that you’ve ever loved with all of your heart is terrible. But now...” She lifted her head. “I have you.” She inhaled deeply. “And I’m grateful.” I did the only thing I knew to do, I kissed her, hoping that she felt the love from the depths of my soul.