Chapter 19

Ollie

I was really glad that I decided to stop off and pick up a pie before coming over to the house. Sure, my mom told me to never show up emptyhanded at someone else’s house, but in reality, I just wanted some kind of distraction so that I could ease into the conversation that I was planning to have with Elana. A pie or dessert of some kind seemed like the perfect idea.

“Did you watch the Packers game earlier?” Tammy looked excited.

“I did,” I replied. “It was a crazy game. I’m just glad they came out of nowhere and ended up taking them at the last second. I was really worried that the Steelers were going to take this one.”

“I know,” Tammy said. “I was out of my chair the entire time. I think Elana was worried for my safety.”

“I considered restraints at one point,” Elana said with an easier look on her face.

“Did you watch the game?” I looked at Elana.

“I did, and forgive me, but I have nothing technical to add to this conversation,” she said. “But let me tell you, I know it’s the kick off of breast cancer awareness, and I know those pink uniforms are for a really good cause, but when Roethlisberger hobbled out onto the field with his robot leg, I swore he looked like an old, chewed piece of bubble gum.”

I slapped my hand over my mouth, trying to hold back a laugh, but it was too late. Milk shot out of my mouth and over the table, the sound of my gasping laugh echoing through the house and breaking the barrier that had been sitting there between us. All I could think about was a giant piece of chewed gum with the Steeler’s quarterback’s head. Instantly, Elana collapsed into a fit of giggles, dropping her fork on her plate and covering her face with her hands. I looked over at her and wiped my mouth with the napkin Tammy had just handed me, snorts and chuckles coming in waves. Tammy chuckled loudly as she grabbed a towel and wiped up the mess, obviously enjoying the fact that Elana and I still couldn’t sit together for too long without bursting into laughter about something. It was really refreshing, and I could tell that Elana had loosened up quite a bit.

We sat there making jokes about the game and eating our pie for quite a while. Tammy stood behind us at the counter, interjecting her commentary as well. The house was once again filled with laughter, and so was my heart. When we were done eating, I cleared the table, rinsing off the dishes and putting them into the dishwasher.

“We need more of him around here,” Tammy teased, looking around at the clean kitchen.

“Thank you for letting me come in earlier,” I said, smiling at Tammy. “I’m probably going to get going here soon.”

“You know,” she said, leaning in and whispering. “It’s about the time that Elana gets going, too. Just figured I would mention it.”

I smiled at her as she wandered into the living room where Elana was putting on her coat. I stood there for a moment, trying to collect my thoughts, realizing that I needed to get her stationary in one spot to be able to talk to her. I walked forward and cleared my throat, catching her attention.

“I’m getting ready to leave,” I said nervously. “Can I offer you a ride?”

“Sure,” she said, after thinking about it for a minute. “That sounds better than riding the bus back.”

I smiled and put out my arm, letting her walk past me first and pausing at the door as she said goodbye to her mom. When she reappeared, her cheeks were flushed, but I didn’t pry, opening the door and walking her out to my car. When we got inside, I sat down and gripped the steering wheel, taking in a deep breath. I had spent all afternoon after the game and the entire drive to Tammy’s house rehearsing the speech that I wanted to give to Elana. Even though I had said it to myself over and over again, I was completely at a loss for words. I turned on the car and headed down the street, still sitting in silence. I had done a lot of things and said a lot of things that had come from a place of grief. I knew, though, that I couldn’t use that as an excuse. Whether I made the choice under duress or not didn’t change the fact that I had treated Elana badly.

I wanted her to be excited to hear me out, not dreading what she would have to say back to me. She looked so pretty sitting there, all bundled up in her coat now that it was starting to get cold at night. I had never looked at a woman that way before, and it was a bit overwhelming. Still, I needed to say what I came to say, knowing that whatever decision Elana made, it was the right one for her.

“So, I want to say a couple of things,” I said, watching her head turn toward me. “First, I want to apologize for the way that I left you last weekend. I should have woken you up and said goodbye, or at least left you a note that you could find in the morning. I ran out of the house in the middle of the night, and I know that has to have affected you in a way that I never meant to. It was extremely ungentlemanly of me to do.”

“Thank you for acknowledging that,” she said, turning to look out the window.

“Next, I want to apologize to you for that text that I sent,” I said, grimacing at the thought. “I have never in my life said something like that over a piece of technology, and I’m really ashamed that I did you like that. Of all the people in my life, you’re the one that deserved the most kindness, the most heart, and the biggest consideration, but instead, I greeted you with a text that was wrong in so many ways. If my mother knew I did something like that, hell, she would kick my ass, and I’m a grown man. I have to admit, though, I haven’t been acting like a grown man very much lately. The truth of the matter is, I took the coward’s way out, depending on technology to deliver a message that should have never been sent in the first place. I was too afraid to talk to you to your face, but that was what you deserved. You didn’t deserve to be blindsided by me the way I did.”

My palms were sweaty, and I rubbed them around the steering wheel as I drove along. I knew that she was listening to me, but it was killing me that she wasn’t having any response to my words. The speech I had cooked up in my head was so much better than the blabbering I was doing right then and there in the car, but as soon as I saw Elana’s face, everything that I had thought of went right out of my head, leaving me to improvise. So, there I was, staring at the lines on the road, nervously trying to express to Elana how sorry I was without sounding like an idiot. I felt like I was failing miserably.

“I’ll be honest,” I said, continuing. “I sent that message instead of talking to you face to face because I was scared to see you. I had made my mind up, not based on my heart, but completely based on fear and guilt. I wasn’t clearheaded in the least, and I knew that if I stood in front of you, there was a really good chance that I would have lost my nerve. I would have ended up with the right decision, though I couldn’t see it at the time.

“Everything about our time together had been perfect. From the laughter and togetherness that your mom and you showed me earlier in the day, to the laughter that we shared at the pool hall, and all the way to how we made love that night. It was all so damn perfect, and I tell you what, it sent me for a loop. It freaked me out that I could have feelings like these for you, and I kept fighting with myself to know whether I was making the right choice or not. I had never been in a situation like that before, and I really had no idea what I was doing or what I was supposed to do in that circumstance. It’s not meant to be an excuse. There is no excuse for my actions. I’m just trying to give you an idea of what my mindset was like so hopefully you can understand where I was coming from with all of this.”

I really didn’t want to bring up Lillie, but I knew that she was a seriously big part of Elana and my story. The thought of mentioning her name made me hesitate, but I knew that if I wasn’t upfront and honest with her right then and there, I would never have another chance to get her back. She still was sitting there, completely quiet, her hands clenched together, and her eyes darting back and forth out the window.

“I haven’t really dated anyone seriously since Lillie’s death,” I said. “What I have with you, though, feels so comfortable and so good. I couldn’t even start to imagine what life would have been like if I had come back and never run into you. I’d probably still be stuck running the same loop every day and crying the same tears every night, never realizing that I was actually still alive, and I had the opportunity to make something beautiful out of my life.

“See, you were Lillie’s best friend, the only person that I knew she loved more than me, and I thought that being with you, loving you, was wrong, like it was going to offend her memory. In reality, I know that we will always have Lillie between us, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. She lights our path and gives us both hope. That was her eternal gift to this planet, opening our eyes to each other and to the bigger picture. I can see now that being afraid to be with you was wrong. It was the biggest mistake that I’ve ever made in my life.”

I took in a deep breath as we stopped in front of a stop light, sitting there for a minute as the other cars passed by. This was the big part, the questions that I had been dying to know the answers to. I knew that I had to do this, to commit to this, because Elana was my only way out of this trap that I had been enclosed in.

“I guess what the whole point to all of this is, besides just expressing how eternally sorry I am for the way that I treated you, was to ask you to stay with me,” I said, being completely vulnerable. “I’m asking if you’d be open to exploring what might be between us. If you decide that you want that as much as I do, I promise that we’ll take things very slowly. I will make sure you are safe and secure because this is what I want. I want to try for our sake. I just don’t think I want to be in a world where you aren’t by my side.”