Chapter 30

Elana

I sat in the chair in my mother’s living room, running my hands up and down the velvet fabric of the arms. I stared out the window at the passing clouds, trying to get my mind to straighten out. It was a cold day, and for some reason, it felt like it was beating into my chest. I could barely think straight with so many memories, so many feelings going through my brain at one time. I hadn’t realized just how silent my mother’s house could get, and I understood now why she welcomed Sundays as a break from the deafening awareness that she was alone. I was ashamed that I was hiding out at my mother’s house, but I didn’t know what else I could do. I was like a child, running home to mommy when things got rough, instead of standing up and facing them head-on. Maybe I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was.

My mind wouldn’t stop replaying the night before, from the moment I woke up until the moment I heard Lillie’s name coming from Ollie’s lips. At first, I had thought that maybe I was the one dreaming, not thinking that Lillie’s ghost could possibly be haunting me in the middle of the night for no reason at all. When I realized it was real, I was okay at first, grabbing a glass of water and waiting for Ollie to wake up from the dream. However, when I heard him say he loved her and that he always would, a cold fear had gone through me, and it was something that I could still feel inside. It was the same feeling I got when Lillie died, like someone had carved out a section of my chest and left it gaping and raw inside of me. The cold breeze blew right through it, and I still couldn’t get myself warm.

After the words mumbled out of Ollie’s mouth, I stood frozen staring at the bed for several minutes. When I looked up in the mirror, it was like I too was in a dream, standing next to my beautiful friend, my hair chopped off and my glasses thick on my face. I stared at that reflection for a while, wondering why Lillie was haunting me like she was. When I was finally able to break myself free from the chains of her ghost, I set the water down and went into the kitchen. I sat there all night, thinking about my life, about Lillie’s life and about my relationship with Ollie. Millions of different scenarios played out in my mind, with me ultimately trying to justify what I had heard. In the end, though, I knew there was no mistaking what he said, and I could sit there for the rest of my life trying to justify it, but it would never go away. The feeling that Ollie still loved Lillie broke me. The idea that I was the closest thing he could find to bring back those feelings he once had for her.

I sat there trying to convince myself that it was insane, that Ollie truly did care about me. That the last few days and even longer had been real. They had been true and full. However, as the clouds pushed across the sky, my heart just sank lower and lower. How could Ollie have done this to me? I thought that we were at an understanding that life had to go on. I thought that we truly had something special, not something that he could just throw away with one bad dream. I wondered if he had remembered his dream, if he felt guilty about what he had done to me.

After I told her, my mom wavered back and forth, trying to grasp onto any hope that I was completely wrong, that Ollie did love me. Maybe I had to just live with the fact that he would always love Lillie, that she was the one for him and that I was just the person that came next. What if I was simply a stand-in for Lillie? A replacement for my dead best friend.

I shook my head, my heart breaking at the thought. I stood up from the chair and wrapped my blanket around my shoulders, walking back to the bathroom. I ran hot water in the sink, trying to warm myself but failing miserably. The house was warm like it always was, but the inside of me felt like an icebox. I just wanted to feel better, to rewind to the weekend where everything had been so amazing and freeze time. I wanted to wake Ollie up at the first sign of a mumble in the night, so I wouldn’t have to hear those words. But then I would be lying to myself, going on in a relationship where it was absolutely certain that I would one day find out the truth. The truth was so painful, and it made me question everything that I knew about myself.

I dried off my face and walked back out, going into the kitchen and grabbing a hot cup of coffee. My mom was sitting at the kitchen table reading the paper, but she put it down and watched me as I poured creamer into my cup. I knew she wanted to know what was going on, to make me feel better about all of it, but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her the whole truth. She always had calming and comforting words, but in my self-loathing, I didn’t want comfort. I just wanted to be miserable.

“Come sit down,” my mother said in a tone that I knew meant I had little choice in the matter. “Elana, you need to pick yourself back up. You can’t let whatever happened take you back down in a spiral.”

I looked down at my coffee and watched as the cream stirred around in the dark liquid. I knew she was trying to help, but I just didn’t know what to say to her. I didn’t know how to tell her that I felt broken, so I stayed silent.

“Elana,” my mother said, putting down the paper. “From the first time that I saw you and Ollie together, I knew there was more to it. I knew that whatever you two had going on in your lives, it all stopped when you were next to each other. Remember how much fun you two had when we were all watching the football game? Or when we sat around the table eating pie and talking about everything going on in the world? I haven’t seen you that happy since before Lillie died. And I know you don’t want me to talk about Lillie, but five years later, and she still haunts you. Ollie was your reprieve, the person that made you stop thinking about all of that for just a little while and focused your attention on the future instead of the past. From what I’ve seen, Ollie is a really great guy, but you are an amazing woman, too.”

“I know, Mom,” I said, sighing. “And you’re absolutely right. Ollie is a fantastic man. He is kind, caring, and sweet, and we really have an amazing time together. This past weekend was the first time in my life that I felt like I was in a real-life relationship. We did things that normal people did, and for once, I didn’t feel like the grieving best friend.”

“See, that’s great,” she said, smiling.

“It is,” I sighed. “Which is why it makes all of this so much harder.”

“I just don’t understand,” she said. “If things were so perfect, then what happened?”

“It’s complicated,” I replied. “The past just keeps getting between us. It’s a ghost all in itself, and every time things start to get good, it haunts me. Not just me. It haunts Ollie, too. Neither one of us can seem to get away from it, no matter what we do. That is why it’s useless to even talk about it, unless you have a time machine stored somewhere back there in your room.”

My mother smiled at me kindly and shook her head, not sure what else to say. The thing was, there really wasn’t anything else to say; it was what it was. I could have told her the whole story, but it wasn’t needed. When it came down to it, the past was standing in the way of my future once again, but this time, I was powerless to stop it. I couldn’t force Ollie to love me any more than I could force him to let go of Lillie. All of that was up to him, and I needed to decide whether it was worth standing around and waiting, getting my heart broken at every turn, or break away while I still had at least part of myself still intact.

I took my coffee back to the chair in the living room and sat down, wrapping my blanket tightly around my shoulders. Moping seemed to be the name of the game that day, but I didn’t care. I just felt like total hell. It was no secret. I had gotten pretty good at tearing myself apart, letting myself get to a place where I felt completely alone and helpless. That wasn’t really where I wanted to be—I knew that deep down inside—but I had put myself in an impossible situation, and now my heart was being stomped all over. The reasonable part of me knew that what Ollie was doing was not intentional. It was his own way of moving forward while still holding onto the love that he had for Lillie. At the same time, though, I was the one that ended up getting caught in the middle of it.

I put my mug down on the table next to me and sighed, rubbing my hands over my face. I wished I could just stop my brain from running wild. That I could step back from the situation and see it from an outside perspective. That was impossible, though. I was in way too deep to go back now.

I knew that I should stand up for myself, tell Ollie how I really felt, and take control of my life and my relationship. I knew that I had every right to feel safe and secure with the man that I loved, not second guessing whether I was number two on his list. But how could I express that I didn’t want to be someone’s replacement? How could I say, “Enough is enough,” and that if that was all I was, then we have nothing between us anymore?

I groaned, laying my head back in the chair and staring blankly at the street. My mom was right, though. I was amazing, too. It wasn’t just Ollie. I had a lot of things to offer. I wanted him to understand that I wanted someone to love me for me. I knew that with everything that had happened, and with the most recent events, with Ollie, I would always wonder to myself. How could I not? How could I not wonder if he was with me for me, or because I reminded him of her?

I had loved Lillie my whole life, even after she died, but lately, her ghost was starting to piss me off. The thing was, her ghost wasn’t actually her. It was a manifestation that both Ollie and I had created to make ourselves feel like we didn’t have to let go of something so wonderful. However, over the past few weeks, I’ve started to think that maybe Lillie’s ghost was more of a hindrance than a help. Hopefully, Ollie would eventually realize that as well.