Chapter 37

Ollie

I hated to see the tears falling from Elana’s eyes. I hated that this relationship had put her through so much turmoil and inner struggle. And I hated that my hand was stained in the grief that I had given her. I watched as she tried to keep it together, telling me her theory on why we shouldn’t be together. I could see how from her point of view, that seemed like the reality of the situation, but in fact, it couldn’t be further from the truth. When she finished speaking and brought the napkin up to her eyes, drying her tears, I took in a deep breath and slowly let it out, preparing to explain.

She had taken the dream I had and twisted it into the exact opposite thing that actually occurred. I knew from an outside perspective, what she was saying seemed like the ultimate truth, but in reality, it couldn’t be further away. I was slightly worried that when I explained, she wasn’t going to believe me, but I had to take that chance. I had brought her to Dolly’s so that the two of us could find peace between us. So that she could understand how I felt about her, not her as a replacement, but her as an individual, completely separate from Lillie and completely separate from our history. The dream had been what completely and fully lifted me from any guilt of being with Elana, not the other way around as she saw it. If she wasn’t so hurt, and this hadn’t ruined everything, the situation might be almost comical.

“Elana,” I said. “Let me explain the dream to you. At first, Lillie and I were walking down the streets of Madison. There was a lot of fog, and I kept losing her in the mist, reaching out but never feeling her there. Each time I lost her, I would call her name out, which is what you heard when I was yelling her name, I guess. We were walking up the sidewalk in the quad, coming to meet you. We were supposed to meet you at the Lincoln Statue, just like we had so many other times in life. I could see you even before we reached halfway, and there was a glowing light behind you. With every burst of emotion in my chest, Lillie’s ghost would flicker, becoming almost translucent in front of me. It was a strange dream really, but it made a lot of sense at the end.”

I lowered my head and set my napkin in my lap, taking a moment to collect myself. I hadn’t realized how emotional it would be for me to tell Elana about this dream. It had been an eye-opener for me of massive proportions, and it made me want to tell her everything. For some reason, though, I couldn’t seem to choke down the burning in my chest. She looked over at me with almost pity as I struggled to continue, knowing she was taking my emotion out of context. She was sitting there thinking all of these things, the same things she had been thinking for over a week, and I felt completely terrible about the fact that I had let it go on this long. I was so scared to fight for her that I let her sit in misery, not understanding the truth of everything.

“When we reached the statue,” I said, shaking my head. “Lillie walked off to the side and stood with her hands folded in front of her. It was like I was looking at my past and my future at the same time. I stood there in the fog, watching your beautiful face, beaming and excited to see me. It felt almost as if you couldn’t even see Lillie, like she was only visible to me. Our voices echoed through the air. They were conversations we had when Lillie was alive and conversations we had just recently. Your laughter floated along, hitting me straight in the ears. In my dream, I felt as if I was losing my mind, like the dark parts of me that were there for so long were trying to desperately hold on, but Lillie was taking them away. I turned to you and reached out, pulling you into my arms and feeling the warmth of your skin warm me instantly. The glow that was basking around you, well, it enveloped both of us. I leaned you back and kissed you, like the night that I was fulfilling my bet, only even more emotion was behind it.”

She tilted her head and looked at me, confused by what I was trying to say. I knew that I could have made this all simpler, but I felt it was imperative that I told her every moment of the dream and how exactly I was feeling. She needed to understand the separation I went through during that dream, and it wasn’t from Lillie, but the ghost of Lillie I had created in my head.

“After that,” I continued. “We both turned and looked at Lillie. She was beaming at both of us with that smile. Well, you know the smile. I could feel contentment and peace washing over me, and I could tell that when she left, she took all of the dark with her. You see, when I said I love you, I wasn’t saying it to Lillie. she was already gone. I was saying it to you. I was looking deep into your eyes and telling you how I felt from the bottom of my soul. There was no fear, no apprehension, and no confusion whatsoever that you were you, someone completely different than Lillie, and not someone to fill any hole, because she took that emptiness with her when she disappeared.”

She looked across the table from me, her expression lightened and her shoulders less tense. Her mouth had dropped slightly open, and it was more than obvious that she was surprised by my words. I could almost feel the tension leave the conversation. I looked around the room momentarily, feeling something different. It looked like Dolly’s, the place I had fond memories of, but instead of those memories attacking me, they just made me smile. Lillie lifted from the two of us, and for the first time since I met Elana, I truly felt like it was just the two of us, side by side, spilling our hearts to each other. From the look on Elana’s face and how she wrapped her arms around her shoulders and looked over at the bar, she could feel the weight lifted as well.

There was a moment like nothing I had experienced in many years, where I felt like myself. Like a man looking forward to the future, excited about the prospects that laid ahead of me. And I had no want or reason to turn around and look behind me.

“I left those messages, and I wrote that letter so that you could be sure that it was you that I loved, not some memory of a lost fiancée,” I explained. “Every word I wrote in that letter was true, and I could have gone on for pages and pages, but I was pretty sure that what I said would give you the point I was trying to make. I know that if we are together, that list will only grow as I learn and move alongside you. I know that we have a lot to learn about each other, even after all these years, but with the past no longer haunting us, we can relax and really listen to what we are saying to each other. We can truly become partners in this life, and not just two people drawn together, but fighting it every step of the way. I love you, Elana, not the memory of Lillie. She will always be a special part of our lives, a piece of the past that we will carry with us, but she doesn’t need to be a part that completely controls everything we say and do.”

“I don’t know what to say,” she replied, tears filling her eyes.

“Know this,” I said, reaching forward and taking her hands in mine. “I love everything about you, from your nerdiness to the way you brush your hair. I love the giggle that comes from you when you’re trying not to laugh at a bad joke. I love the way your face rests on the pillow when you are sound asleep. I love the way you smell, and how just one whiff of you can turn me into a puddle at your feet. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Elana. I want to grow old with you, raise a family, explore the world, and all the other things that we both want to do. Sure, I could do them on my own, but in reality, I can’t imagine my life without you in it, walking next to me, not in front or behind me, sharing in our dreams and sorrows, supporting each other through the thick of it all. I think I’ve known this from the beginning, but it took me letting go of a ghost in order to fully see it and appreciate it.”

I took a deep breath, feeling better that everything was out in the open. Elana, however, was having a hard time with everything. She clasped her hands together, trying to get them to stop shaking. Tears were flowing down her cheeks, and I couldn’t figure out whether they were good tears or bad, but from the sigh that escaped her mouth, I knew they weren’t bad at all. I could tell that she had let out a sigh of relief, all the emotions of letting go flooding her immediately. It was extremely overwhelming. I knew the feeling, and I knew I had to get her out of the restaurant. I stood up and pulled her up, wrapping my arms around her entire body and feeling the light sobs into my shoulder. I leaned down to her ear and pursed my lips, hesitating to speak, but realizing I needed to.

“We should go somewhere private,” I whispered. “Let’s get you out of here.”

She nodded her head yes, and I threw some money down on the table to cover the bill. I wrapped one arm around her tightly and led her out of the restaurant, trying to be discreet so she didn’t feel embarrassed by her emotions. Carefully, I led her through the parking lot to my car and opened the door, helping her climb in. I reached up and pulled the seatbelt over her, fastening her in tightly before walking to my side and getting into the driver’s seat. I looked over at her for a moment, reaching across and wiping the tears from her cheeks. She took in a deep breath and leaned her head against the headrest behind her, looking at me but not speaking. I wasn’t exactly sure what she was thinking or feeling, but I knew after that load of information, she needed some time to process.

I pulled out of the parking lot and turned on the heat, wanting to make sure that she was warm and comfortable. She stared out the window as we drove, but I could see her face in the reflection. She had stopped crying, and now, she looked contemplative. When we pulled up to her house, I got out of the car and walked to her side, helping her out and walking up to her door with her. I was extremely nervous. This was the make or break point. If she wanted me to walk away, I would, but I knew that it would completely gut me.

“Why don’t you come in for a while?” she asked.

I breathed a sigh of relief.