Chapter 20

Elana

I sat there staring out the window, listening intently to Ollie. He seemed incredibly nervous, but at the same time, I could tell that he was being brutally honest, pulling no punches and giving it to me straight. He was telling me things that were inside his head and inside his heart, not just what he thought I would want to hear. Still, even as the words flowed from his mouth to my ears, I was having a hard time comprehending what he was saying. Was he saying that he wanted me? That he wanted me, and no one else but me? Was he really telling me that I was the girl for him, no matter what past that we had? I just couldn’t wrap my head around his words quickly enough.

I took in a deep breath and sat there, making sure that I understood what was going on before getting too excited or overwhelmed. He was telling me that he made a mistake and that he wanted me to be in his life, to see how far our feelings went for each other. It was everything that I had wanted to hear from him for so long. It was like my dreams were finally coming true. All those nights that I laid in bed, dreaming about what my life would be like if he and I ended up together were actually coming true. He wanted me to be the biggest part of his life, filling the empty spaces in between and walking into the future hand in hand, instead of standing still in the past.

Still, I hesitated, feeling the nerves rising in my chest, and the worry unload on my back. Things were never that easy and simple in real life. If anyone knew that, it was me. I wasn’t the kind of girl that ever got the guy, especially the guy who really did like me for me. There was a block right there at my heart, screaming out for me to be careful. If we did take the chance that he was talking about, and he behaved like he did a week ago, running away only to text me later with a generic “go your own way” kind of response, it would completely and utterly crush me.

I had struggled with my old memories, my grief, and my anger ever since he came back into the picture, but I knew that one more heartbreak would change me from who I was for the rest of my life. The whole idea of it thrilled me, and I felt a rush of excitement surrounding us, but I knew I couldn’t make a decision just based on the feelings I had for him. I knew that I would have to really think about whether I was ready for the consequences if he did what he did last time.

Was I really willing to take the risk of him rejecting me again? For some reason, the way he felt about me, the way he looked at me, and the kind of person he thought I was, was extremely important. Those things had actually mattered to me since the first time I met him with Lillie. I really wanted to believe that I could trust my heart in all of this.

I watched out of the window as we pulled up in front of my house, putting the car in park at the curb. My heart was beating wildly in my chest, and my mind was racing with thoughts of Ollie and myself growing together, in a relationship, through life. I could already see just how happy that we would be, but it was still fuzzy in a way that made me realize how terrified I was to have him hurt me again. I took a deep breath and turned toward Ollie, who was sitting there staring at me. He reached out and touched my hand, sending chills through my entire body. I leaned my head back against the seat rest and turned it toward him, showing how scared I was through the look in my eyes.

“I know that I’m asking a lot,” he whispered gently. “I just really think that we could be good together. No, even more than that, we could be epic together. I am surer about this than anything I have ever been sure of before, even when I asked Lillie to marry me, and I was pretty darn sure at that moment in time. I know that it will take you a really long time to trust me again fully, but I’m just asking you for the chance to prove to you that my word is my bond. Please, will you let me take you out soon? I don’t think that I can continue to go on without you in my life. It just doesn’t make any sense. I promise you that I won’t fuck up again, at least not on purpose, though I can’t promise I will remember every anniversary and every birthday. But I can promise you I won’t fuck up on the really big stuff.”

I tried to hold back a laugh, but I just couldn’t, so I smiled big and let it out. At first, he was confused, but then he realized that he had lightened me up enough to let his words into my heart. I knew in my heart and my mind what my answer needed to be. I knew that if I said no right then and there, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I knew if I walked away, I would spiral back down again, living in Lillie’s ghostly shadow. It was crazy to me how everything had flipped around. At first, I didn’t know if I could be near him because it made me think about Lillie and the grief, but now, it was the complete opposite. I was positive that if I didn’t have him in my life, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from falling back into a deep depression. It was almost as if he was the savior that I had been waiting for.

“Yes,” I said softly. “Yes, I will let you take me out and prove to me just how much you actually care about me. The thing is, Ollie, I think I already know how you feel about me because I feel the same way about you.”

The smile on his face lit up the entire car, and I was feeling back on cloud nine again. No matter how much caution I wanted to show, there was no way that I could hold back my feelings for him any longer. He was the man I had wanted for a very long time, and now he was telling me that he wanted me, too.

“Thank you,” he said happily. “I promise I’ll call you so that we can arrange a date. We can do anything you want.”

I smiled at him and giggled, watching as he reached over and took my hand in his. He grasped it tightly, pressing his lips against the back of it. The feeling of his warm lips against my skin sent shivers down my spine. Everything about this man made me want to be as close to him as I could possibly get. When his lips left my hand, he pulled my whole body closer, leaning over and kissing me gently on my cheek. The smell of his cologne wafted into my nostrils. I could feel the warmth of his breath on my face, and he lingered there, just being. He didn’t try to kiss me or come in when it was time to leave. He simply showed me how much he cared for me.

Slowly, he began to move away, the feeling of separation from him pulling at my chest. I could have sat there all day with his lips on my skin, but he had promised to go slow, and I knew that was exactly what he was doing. He wanted me to feel safe and secure in his arms, and even though I wasn’t going to tell him, I already felt safe and secure anytime he was around. He pulled his head back and smiled, biting his bottom lip and staring at me before getting out of the car and coming to my side. Like a gentleman, he opened my door and stuck out his hand, helping me to my feet. Slowly, we walked arm in arm up the staircase to the front door. We stood there for several moments, just looking into each other’s eyes. I wanted to kiss him so badly, but I knew I needed to wait. He shook his head and laughed, putting his hands on my cheeks and leaning forward, kissing me on the forehead.

“Goodbye,” he said. “Have sweet dreams tonight. I’ll call you very soon and have a date all planned out for us. It will be perfectly normal, like I want us and our lives to become. I can feel it this time, Elana. I can feel the veil of grief lifting from both of us. I can feel our lives beginning to intertwine, and I couldn’t be more excited if I tried.”

I stood there on the stoop and watched as he skipped his way back down the stairs and to his car. Before he got inside, he blew me a kiss, making my cheeks blush and allowing a small giggle to escape my lips. Ollie had turned me into a giggling, lovestruck little girl, and I was perfectly okay with that. I turned to the front door and opened it up, going inside and closing it as he drove away. I smiled big and shook my head, completely blown away by what just happened. I locked the doors and went upstairs, readying myself for bed and crawling in under the covers.

Like I had done so many times before, I laid on my back looking up at the ceiling and thought about everything that had just happened. It was so clear in my head just a few minutes before, but I could tell that my emotions were blowing all over the place. Fear, excitement, love, lust, they were all mixed in there. I started to wonder, looking up at the ceiling, what exactly I had gotten myself into. Everything had been so sudden, and I was so shocked that all I could really do was nod my head yes and smile. Half of me was exploding with excitement at the prospect of being Ollie’s girlfriend, and the girl that he fell in love with. The other half of me, though, was absolutely terrified. What if he changed his mind? What if he had a bad day, and it started to mess with him, causing it to affect our relationship? There were so many different scenarios where things could go wrong, and I had already lost him once. I didn’t want to think about losing him again. I had waited years, thinking about how I figured that day would never come, but there I was, completely smitten and melted by Ollie.

No matter what fear plagued me, no matter what uncertainties ran through my mind, I had no choice but to take a chance and allow Ollie into my life. I had the real possibility of getting everything that I ever wanted. I couldn’t wait until he called me with the plans. I didn’t know if it would last forever, but I did know that Ollie cared about me, even so far as to be sneaky with his plans for me, something he rarely did for anyone. I had finally reached a point where I was able to reach for hope and not despair.