Chapter 9

Ollie

The day had gotten away from me before I even knew it. I wasn’t sure how it had happened, but I had found myself sitting in Elana’s mother’s living room, a TV tray full of spaghetti and meatballs in front of me, the Packers game on the television, and questions floating through my head on how my day ended up unfolding like that. Surprisingly, I didn’t mind it much at all, and I was content with where I was. I was feeling better in that moment than I had felt since I returned to town. There was something comforting about being in Elana’s childhood home, surrounded by people that cared about me and getting to be comfortable and relaxed. Relaxed was a word that I barely even recognized before, even when I was in Phoenix. I had told myself that relaxing was something that people with no history, no sadness in their past did. Me? I was always thinking and remembering, leaving me incapacitated and unable to slow my mind enough to relax.

I had never actually been to Elana’s house before, but it fit her perfectly, and so did her mom. It was still decorated more like the eighties than present day, and her mom was exactly what I imagined, with dark hair and the same blue eyes, but a bit of a mess, like the teacher from the Magic School Bus. I could totally see Elana turning into her mom later on in life, only a bit calmer and interested in books and not stewed tomatoes. I had forgotten completely that she lived in the same neighborhood as Lillie, which I was starting to think was a happy accident for me.

Ever since the moment I dropped Elana off at her house after our disastrous time out, I had been chasing Lillie’s ghost. I couldn’t get her off my mind, so I had let it take me over, letting myself wallow in the grief over my beloved. It had gotten so bad that I found myself walking through all the places that we had spent time together. I was up all night Saturday, retracing the steps of when I had proposed. It was agonizing and self-destructive.

When that had become too little to keep the fire of grief going, my mind took me to her life before me, her childhood. I wanted to see what she saw growing up, feel the feeling of being where she had been. So, I ended up searching out the neighborhood and street she grew up on. It just so happened that I had been there a couple of times to visit her parents when we first met, and my mind had remembered exactly where it was, guiding me there like I was in a trance or was being controlled from another realm.

Her parents had sold the house our sophomore year in college, but it didn’t matter to me. I still walked all the way over and stood in front of it, almost able to hear her laughter coming from inside. I could remember being incredibly nervous to meet her family, but she took my hand and pulled me playfully up the walk, trying to make me realize they were people, too. I had gotten irritated with her for never taking anything seriously.

As I stood outside of the house, I could feel the guilt run through me for being upset with her. It was so stupid. Every couple fights, but most have a chance to spend the rest of their lives making up for it. It had actually been one of the very few times we ever bickered over anything. She was so lighthearted that it was impossible to stay mad at her, and she avoided conflict like the plague.

The house was quiet when I got there, no cars in the drive, but it didn’t matter to me. I had just wanted to feel close to her again, to know I was standing in a place that she once stood. But now, without even thinking, I had become immersed in Elana’s world, a place of laughter, loud voices, sarcasm, and a warm and comforting feeling I hadn’t even known with my own family. It wasn’t as scary or heart wrenching as I thought it would be, and I was finding myself hoping the day would drag on. Maybe it was because we were somewhere where Lillie wasn’t, or maybe I was so engrossed in my grief that she pulled me up for air, but either way, this had turned into an unexpected afternoon, something I realized I needed.

To top it off, when I got there, they were canning, which I had never done before. I had no idea what I was doing, but it felt good to be helpful to someone else. I lifted the heavy things and had the pleasure of letting Elana’s mom teach me how to do it. Of course, I really didn’t need to know how to jar tomatoes, but I could tell it made Tammy feel good to have someone to teach, so I listened intently, smiling at her quirks and looking over at Elana, who seemed miserable with the process. I guessed when you’ve done it a hundred times, it wasn’t quite as exciting as I found it.

All in all, this Sunday had turned out a hell of a lot better than I thought it was going to. I was pretty sure it was going to end with tears, suffering, and Jack Daniels. Beer, spaghetti, and football was such a better alternative, not to mention having Tammy and Elana as company: two people that were very unexpected in my life at that time. Maybe things didn’t have to be so hard between the two of us. Maybe there was an opportunity to start over with Elana in my life. Just as I thought that, Elana walked around the corner, shaking her head at me and sighing. She looked over her shoulder to make sure her mom was out of earshot and then sat down next to me. I steadied my tray as the couch shook beneath me and looked at her with a smile. Only this time, my smile was actually genuine, not faked like it was at the start of the day. She smiled back and let out a deep breath, obviously wanting to say something. She looked at the doorway again and leaned in closer to me.

“I’m so sorry for throwing you into the canning festival my mother was having,” she said. “I just thought it would be best if you came inside, and she gets excited to have company. She doesn’t have anyone to show all her proud secrets to, so you were pretty much in for it the moment you jogged past my house. Actually, I’m convinced now that you actually brought this upon yourself.”

“Oh yeah?” I laughed loudly at her sarcasm. “But don’t apologize. It’s actually been really cool. Thank you for having me here on your Sunday with your mom.”

She beamed at the thank you, and I couldn’t help but smile back, almost like it was catching. She was so funny and sweet, and I felt like this day had helped her too, in a way. She was struggling as well, but I had been so absorbed when she found me walking the neighborhood that I didn’t even think about it.

“Really, I appreciate everything,” I said. “I didn’t know it at the time, but sitting here and reflecting, I realized this might have been exactly what I needed, at exactly the right time. You must be a wizard.”

“The wizard actually,” she said, straightening her shoulders before bursting into laughter.

Her smile was beautiful and bright, and I realized once again just how gorgeous Elana was, something that, for some reason, I had never really seen until I came back to Madison. I knew it wasn’t her silky long hair or her face without the glasses, though those definitely highlighted her beautiful face. It was more than that. It was the way she looked at me, the way she brushed her hand across my arm when she laughed, and the fact that we got each other’s humor better than anyone I had ever met.

However, mixed in with the butterflies in my chest was a bit of an awkward feeling, making it hard to swallow sometimes. It was definitely a strange feeling, this attraction to my deceased fiancé’s best friend. I had known her for a long time, but I had never truly seen her until this moment. My emotions were mixed all over the place, and I didn’t know whether to beam or run away, chastising myself for what I was feeling. I wondered if the same thoughts were running through her head.

Just before the silence got weird, Tammy turned the corner carrying two trays. She set one of them up by Elana, next to me, and the other at the chair across from us. Elana jumped up and went into the kitchen, helping her mom bring out their dinner and beers. We sat there and ate our delicious homemade spaghetti and meatballs and watched the game, laughing and talking as we did. It felt so natural and so real, and I wasn’t even going to try fighting it. I hadn’t felt like that in a really long time, if ever.

Tammy pushed her tray to the side when she was done eating and sat on the edge of her seat, cheering every time her team made a touchdown and booing at every call against them that the refs made. She was boisterous and loud, and it made me laugh, thinking about my dad and how loud he was at football games. As her team made another touchdown, she got up from her chair and did a victory lap around the living room, slapping our hands and embarrassing the hell out of Elana. I thought it was awesome and considered joining in with a little end zone dance to help make her feel less awkward. We laughed and joked through the whole thing, and I didn’t even think about Lillie once. When it hit halftime, Tammy ran off to refill us on beer and snacks, and I looked at Elana and smiled. She wasn’t boisterous at all during the game, but I could tell that she was enjoying watching it. Not to mention she knew the calls and the plays without me coaching her. I was a bit confused by the change of heart.

“What has happened to you?” I asked, smiling. “I used to have to practically drag you and Lillie out to football games. You guys would be literally kicking and screaming. I remember because you accidentally kicked me in the shin that one time and gave me a limp for a week.”

“Oh, my God,” she said, throwing her head back and laughing hard. “I had completely forgotten about that. We were literally kicking and screaming, trying to give you a hard time. Lillie thought it was hilarious that an injury came out of the whole ordeal, and I felt terrible for like a week.”

“Except when you were drunk,” I pointed out. “Then you made fun of me for walking like Hayrettin Barbosa, the pirate.”

“Yes, and then Lillie kept asking for like two hours who that was.” She laughed. “She thought it was the kid in our English class from Greece.”

We laughed so hard I thought I was going to cry. For the first time ever, I thought of a memory with Lillie in it and didn’t break down in grief and sorrow. It was like a gift that I never wanted to give back.

“In reality, though,” she said, still giggling. “I learned to enjoy the sport from all those games you forced me to go to.”

That was the best answer I could have possibly gotten.